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lanax09

lanax09

wanted in 17 countries for arson
Joined
Apr 17, 2021
Messages
235
Today at school we played benchball, which I haven't played since I was about 8. Had so much bloody fun and felt like a kid again, now I'm missing year 2 so bad. Why does life get so boring when you grow up?
 
BlankUser

BlankUser

Specialist
Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
359
I bought one bottle of vodka today... I thought it's gonna be enough. But no!!!... I drank it all and went to buy another one. I hate myself and I don't have much money, but alcohol makes me forget everything. It reduces my fear, my pain, my OCD... But living as an addict is not living. And I don't think I can stop:(
 
Dr Iron Arc

Dr Iron Arc

Into the Unknown
Joined
Feb 10, 2020
Messages
14,684
I'm kind of nervous for E3. If they announce too many hype games for 2022 then I might actually have to postpone my CTB til after next year if I can't beat them in time. Let's hope it doesn't come to that. So far the latest movie release I'm excited for will be Jurassic World Dominion in 2022. Hopefully there won't be too many games I actually want to play.
 
http-410

http-410

nowhere
Joined
Sep 12, 2020
Messages
568
Everything is broken... I'm confused.

I already had the feeling that they were hiding something from me. I was right.
 
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BlankUser

BlankUser

Specialist
Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
359
At least I had a better day today. It's rare for me. The weather was really nice, I had some fun time with my boyfriend, we went out to birdwatch and saw some really funny hatchlings. Our parrot was happy too, singing in the balcony. I'm not even bothered by old ladies upstairs having a party lol. The last two weeks were horrible for me, but today was better. I feel like my brain got some relief finally.
 
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thatguyakira123

thatguyakira123

Student
Joined
Apr 10, 2018
Messages
187
I really wish I could hurt my older brother. Why does he get to be abusive towards me and my mom and he gets to live while I have to die? I made myself promise not to live past 30 and I'm now 31. Shitdemic aside there were times where I was home alone and could killmyself, but didn't becuase I'm a bitch. I keep dreaming of life where my brother is dead, I have my own place and I'm making my own money. Cept my attempts to get my own place and work have failed so many times that I've given up on ever getting there.

By all means I shouldn't stay alive, yet here I am.
 
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Nessie

Nessie

Cynical
Joined
Aug 23, 2020
Messages
1,204
Why did I do this again? Why do I keep doing this? If you're nice to me and you make a move on me that's it, I'd let you do whatever you want to me even if I'm not remotely attracted to you, I will pretend that I am and I will pretend to enjoy it even if I'm dying inside. What in the world is wrong with me?
And how did I manage to make it worse? Oh well, I just started crying when the situation started to make me too uncomfortable (Imma spare you the details but well, let's just say that making me too uncomfortable is not an easy fit but he managed it) and that just completely ruined everything. I tried to play it off as nothing, but I couldn't, I just ended up leaving the poor guy frustrated, disappointed and confused. I'm the most pathetic person imaginable.
 
http-410

http-410

nowhere
Joined
Sep 12, 2020
Messages
568
These thoughts accompany me everywhere, no matter what I do. Whether I'm dreaming, showering, cooking, petting my cats, or looking out the window. I can't judge if it's bad or not, it's just a logical consequence.

I wish there was a more pleasant way out. I'm postponing it, and I can't stand that. I feel bad talking about this with a therapist but not having done it yet. I want to do something right for once in my "life".
 
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Scribble Fan

Scribble Fan

I'm out!
Joined
May 30, 2019
Messages
624
Damnit, I wish I could just CTB in peace. I don't want to be a part of this world. I fucked up every single one of my suicide attempts, am I really that useless? I'm so fucking done with this life but I'm still trapped here and I don't know what to do anymore.
 
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hotelbeneathground

hotelbeneathground

zzz
Joined
Apr 13, 2021
Messages
1,882
Touch me, I'm trying. I'm not like this all the time, I'm not like this all the time.
 
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Meditation guide

Meditation guide

Desire=half of life. Indifference=half of death.
Joined
Jun 22, 2020
Messages
4,530
When my business is good I become completely cold blooded and my emotional life shuts down. I sometimes wonder who the real me is.
 
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Meditation guide

Meditation guide

Desire=half of life. Indifference=half of death.
Joined
Jun 22, 2020
Messages
4,530
I feel some anxiety. I'm concerned that my life is taken up too much by my business. I really enjoy it however but it's like an addiction. I do eat right and exercise every day. But I feel much too content with the business and know it's a serious problem known as being a workaholic.

I have my bf coming and my ex also coming and wonder how this is going to play out. Probably not too good.
 
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http-410

http-410

nowhere
Joined
Sep 12, 2020
Messages
568
I knew exactly that I couldn't remain numb. It hurts and this cycle will never end unless I end myself.

I just want it to stop.

No time to cry. I have to pull myself together and try to act normal, the appointment starts soon. I feel sick. If this misery continues like this, I won't be able to last much longer. I'm so sick of it.
 
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BlankUser

BlankUser

Specialist
Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
359
Another day when I forced myself to go to the gym! That is a good thing. I did chest, shoulders and triceps! The feeling after a good workout is definitely good. It's just hard to force myself to do it. But now.....!!! I'm drinking wine instead of a protein shake lol.
 
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UseItOrLoseIt

UseItOrLoseIt

Fugazi
Joined
Dec 4, 2020
Messages
1,534
To a fake ol' friend

If I can't prove to you I'm not what you think I am, I will prove to you I am exactly what you think I am. You want an asshole, you'll get an asshole.
 
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Lmd

Lmd

Mage
Joined
Jul 12, 2020
Messages
575
I've been living in a bubble where people aren't assholes and now that I've experienced what's out there I'm nauseous.
 
Scribble Fan

Scribble Fan

I'm out!
Joined
May 30, 2019
Messages
624
I had this blissful dream that I caught the bus with a partner. We both got a bunch of balloons and hung ourselves with them. It was like the suicidal version of Up lol

In real life I'm way too scared of predators to find a partner. That plus I'm socially awkward. It's a shame really, it would be so nice not to feel lonely during my final moments :(
 
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BlankUser

BlankUser

Specialist
Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
359
Sun rays are amazing! I stayed in the sun a lot today and my suicidal thoughts diminished a bit. I got a nice golden tan and felt a little better. I know it doesn't work for everyone, but I recommend it to people who stay isolated inside too much. Maybe natural vitamin D and other stuff that sun provides will give you some relief.
 
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http-410

http-410

nowhere
Joined
Sep 12, 2020
Messages
568
Apparently, my facade is still so convincing that people think I am capable of living a normal life. That doesn't make things any easier, but what can I do? I don't need pity, concerned people, or soothing words. I can't expect anyone to accompany me along the way. Would I even want that?

Sometimes I think there are serious physiological problems as well. This is not normal. Since I was last sick months ago, I don't feel recovered, but I don't feel taken seriously. It's all psychological, all in my head.

Too tired, too numb. I watch myself withering away. This is agonizing.
 
Seaghost

Seaghost

Member
Joined
Apr 14, 2019
Messages
96
What a bad sunday...can't get over it.
So much trouble with one person in our shared appartment.
The rage against this guy is unspeakable.
Need to gwt outa here as soon as possible but I'm searching for the strength to do that

Indepently and already before that situation I've got that whish that my family - which practically doesn't exist - give me love that just parents can give.
I'm empty.

Sorry for my english
 
hotelbeneathground

hotelbeneathground

zzz
Joined
Apr 13, 2021
Messages
1,882
To kiss you, but never be the object of your desire. What can I do but go straight to you?
 
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Scribble Fan

Scribble Fan

I'm out!
Joined
May 30, 2019
Messages
624
Tied my extension chord into a hangman's noose... Feeling pretty close to finally catching that bus.
 
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Rayzieka

Rayzieka

Not Really Here
Joined
Apr 28, 2021
Messages
284
Been thinking about what would happen to my support system if I were to stop taking the meds they insist I take
They hardly do anything but give me side effects and it physically hurts
 

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