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The older I get the more I'm convinced that every person that claims that money don't define their happiness, don't work as a good motivator or generally don't matter that much for them simply have never experienced poverty or even a risk of poverty. Sure, money can't always make you happy. But having no money can certainly prevent you from ever feeling happy, unless you live in the wildreness or something. Having no money when you desperately need them is such a dehumanising, degrading, miserable, soul-crushing experience. Especially when it isn't a one-off occassion, but a pattern of poverty and debt following you throughout your entire life that you can't escape no matter how hard you try.
I can't make it. I can no longer do anything at all except to vent. I don't even have the energy to end myself, or is it something else? Am I trying to come up with excuses again?
It's like an internal struggle. I want to violently shred this body in all directions, but at the same time I want to go peacefully.
I am so sick of myself. Every day the same shit. Every day the same thoughts. Every day my same posts on the forum. Every week the same shit with my therapist.
Lots of blah blah, but I don't get anywhere.
What if I lie to my doctor to get beta blockers? Would I do it then, or would I come up with other excuses again? I'm a fucking coward. It's just ridiculous. What a coward. I guess the constant nosebleeds are also just a figment of my imagination. It's all in my head. I should stop clogging up the healthcare system. I am beyond help. Just grant me a humane way and I'll stop complaining.
I've been angrily texting my dad(receiving no responses) over the past week and a half and I had plans to tell him on his birthday next week that I hope he choked on his cake. Then I had a nightmare last night. In it, my dad called to tell me one of his blood relatives passed away and I said I didn't care and then I get a call from the hospital saying he caught the same thing and was going to die in the next few days. I saw him in the same spot my other papa was in during his hospitalization days before he passed and I couldn't go back to sleep. I'm so angry at him and blame him for so much but despite not talking to him, if I were to lose him from this world I don't know what I would do. I can't stop crying and I feel so alone.
I just hate my boyfriend's brother. This piece of shit makes me hate life even more. I do my best to tolerate this cunt, because my boyfriend has a strong bond with him. I don't want to upset my boyfriend talking negatively about this idiot. But damn, I hate that brother more and more everyday.
I almost panicked because I thought SS was down): The past couple of days I've decided to not eat aside from one can of fruit a day so if I do decide to take SN I'll be ready at a moments notice. I've been thinking of taking SN on my birthday because it's supposedly a super moon that night and if I can manage to get up somewhere in the mountains or head back to California to a beach I'd love to pass under the moonlight. It would be pretty fitting passing on the same day I came into this world 22 years ago.
Today is a year before the expected release date of Jurassic World Dominion, which is so far the latest thing I’m waiting for before I finally CTB. Unfortunately I’ve just realized it’s very likely that both this and NEXT year’s E3 could announce some games I really want to play plus some movie/tv announcements could also happen which could cause me to delay my death further.
And yet every waking moment I’m not thinking of the entertainment that excites me, I’m sinking deeper and deeper into despair over my reality. I absolutely refuse to get a job, pay attention to my health, learn anything new, or even get the stupid corona vaccine unless I fall in love with someone which I’m doing my best to ensure that doesn’t happen because I honestly don’t want to burden anyone with ever associating with me.
I hate all this pressure people are putting on me to try any of those things as if they expect that becoming a wage slave is going to make it easier for me to build confidence and attract women. I will not be manipulated in such a way. I would rather die than waste a shred of effort on something I don’t want to do without a guaranteed soulmate first. Why is that so hard for people to understand?
I wish I could do a better job at convincing people I’m evil. Maybe I should get started on my suicide note soon...
I'm tired of the mask that's just become life. Sometimes I wonder am I just that good of an actor or are the people around me choosing to not see how I really am? "How are you?" All I want to do is scream. Is it really not plain to see the answer to that question? Is what's been going on in my head for the last 15 years really just locked inside to the point where nobody knows? I can't and won't keep going like this. I have nothing left to give. I can only keep this mask in place for so long and I'm nearing my endurance.
I don't know if it's just me not understanding because my brain is broken, but WHY do people offer their support when they don't mean it? And I don't just mean those people who go "oh well you know I'm always here" when you say things have been a bit difficult. I mean the ones who go out of their way to push you to say how you feel only to provide no support at all.. I hate it. I hate being vulnerable, but I never learn. I feel so embarrassed for pouring my heart out about something so painful and personal just to be ignored.. Time to go socially isolate myself for 6 months again. So much easier.
My ex texted me. I missed talking to him but I was scared if I got to message him again and plan a meet up Id go back to feeling good. It sounds weird but it would mean all of these thoughts wouldn't have been real and I was just being manic and stupid. However, I don't feel like I want to live any more than I did 5 minutes before getting his message. I'm happy to hear he is safe and doing better than I thought he was but I still feel like living life right now is pointless. I wish he had the courage to message me sober. I wish he didn't put me through what I went through in the first place but I understand why he did it.