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Meditation guide

Meditation guide

Desire=half of life. Indifference=half of death.
Joined
Jun 22, 2020
Messages
4,529
My anxiety has settled into a numb mindless background noise.
 
Nessie

Nessie

Cynical
Joined
Aug 23, 2020
Messages
1,204
The older I get the more I'm convinced that every person that claims that money don't define their happiness, don't work as a good motivator or generally don't matter that much for them simply have never experienced poverty or even a risk of poverty. Sure, money can't always make you happy. But having no money can certainly prevent you from ever feeling happy, unless you live in the wildreness or something. Having no money when you desperately need them is such a dehumanising, degrading, miserable, soul-crushing experience. Especially when it isn't a one-off occassion, but a pattern of poverty and debt following you throughout your entire life that you can't escape no matter how hard you try.
 
Scribble Fan

Scribble Fan

I'm out!
Joined
May 30, 2019
Messages
624
Bad News: I give up on partial suspension. Whatever magic touch is required to find that sweet spot I simply do not have.

Good News: I may be able to afford SN next month! Maybe. Oh I hope so, I really do.
 
http-410

http-410

nowhere
Joined
Sep 12, 2020
Messages
568
I wish I could ask my therapist how I manage to stop procrastinating and finally get it over with.

Is there a solution for this? Maybe I should start reading ebooks about palliative care. My whole body hurts, and I don't know why.
 
http-410

http-410

nowhere
Joined
Sep 12, 2020
Messages
568
What a useless, wasted "life".

I can't make it. I can no longer do anything at all except to vent. I don't even have the energy to end myself, or is it something else? Am I trying to come up with excuses again?

Aggression.

It's like an internal struggle. I want to violently shred this body in all directions, but at the same time I want to go peacefully.

I am so sick of myself. Every day the same shit. Every day the same thoughts. Every day my same posts on the forum. Every week the same shit with my therapist.

Lots of blah blah, but I don't get anywhere.

What if I lie to my doctor to get beta blockers? Would I do it then, or would I come up with other excuses again? I'm a fucking coward. It's just ridiculous. What a coward. I guess the constant nosebleeds are also just a figment of my imagination. It's all in my head. I should stop clogging up the healthcare system. I am beyond help. Just grant me a humane way and I'll stop complaining.
 
http-410

http-410

nowhere
Joined
Sep 12, 2020
Messages
568
They make me angry when they think that everything is just a question of will. All these phrases do is fuel my suicidality. Maybe that's what they want.
 
Last edited:
nightnightnitrite

nightnightnitrite

baby blues
Joined
Apr 17, 2021
Messages
214
I've been angrily texting my dad(receiving no responses) over the past week and a half and I had plans to tell him on his birthday next week that I hope he choked on his cake. Then I had a nightmare last night. In it, my dad called to tell me one of his blood relatives passed away and I said I didn't care and then I get a call from the hospital saying he caught the same thing and was going to die in the next few days. I saw him in the same spot my other papa was in during his hospitalization days before he passed and I couldn't go back to sleep. I'm so angry at him and blame him for so much but despite not talking to him, if I were to lose him from this world I don't know what I would do. I can't stop crying and I feel so alone.
 
BlankUser

BlankUser

Specialist
Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
358
I just hate my boyfriend's brother. This piece of shit makes me hate life even more. I do my best to tolerate this cunt, because my boyfriend has a strong bond with him. I don't want to upset my boyfriend talking negatively about this idiot. But damn, I hate that brother more and more everyday.
 
nightnightnitrite

nightnightnitrite

baby blues
Joined
Apr 17, 2021
Messages
214
I almost panicked because I thought SS was down): The past couple of days I've decided to not eat aside from one can of fruit a day so if I do decide to take SN I'll be ready at a moments notice. I've been thinking of taking SN on my birthday because it's supposedly a super moon that night and if I can manage to get up somewhere in the mountains or head back to California to a beach I'd love to pass under the moonlight. It would be pretty fitting passing on the same day I came into this world 22 years ago.
 
Dr Iron Arc

Dr Iron Arc

Into the Unknown
Joined
Feb 10, 2020
Messages
14,684
Today is a year before the expected release date of Jurassic World Dominion, which is so far the latest thing I’m waiting for before I finally CTB. Unfortunately I’ve just realized it’s very likely that both this and NEXT year’s E3 could announce some games I really want to play plus some movie/tv announcements could also happen which could cause me to delay my death further.

And yet every waking moment I’m not thinking of the entertainment that excites me, I’m sinking deeper and deeper into despair over my reality. I absolutely refuse to get a job, pay attention to my health, learn anything new, or even get the stupid corona vaccine unless I fall in love with someone which I’m doing my best to ensure that doesn’t happen because I honestly don’t want to burden anyone with ever associating with me.

I hate all this pressure people are putting on me to try any of those things as if they expect that becoming a wage slave is going to make it easier for me to build confidence and attract women. I will not be manipulated in such a way. I would rather die than waste a shred of effort on something I don’t want to do without a guaranteed soulmate first. Why is that so hard for people to understand?

I wish I could do a better job at convincing people I’m evil. Maybe I should get started on my suicide note soon...
 
Seaghost

Seaghost

Member
Joined
Apr 14, 2019
Messages
96
Read a bit more about SN.
Gettin doubt by reading few not so good reports and yes...there's the vomit.

A cheer up to our health minister who blocks the whish of self-destermined dying. May he get what he deserves!

With pleasure I would wright more but actually its so difficult to translate.

Miss you ex girl.... :/
 
Eire1992

Eire1992

Conducting an experiment on how it feels to die
Joined
Jun 7, 2021
Messages
19
I'm tired of the mask that's just become life. Sometimes I wonder am I just that good of an actor or are the people around me choosing to not see how I really am? "How are you?" All I want to do is scream. Is it really not plain to see the answer to that question? Is what's been going on in my head for the last 15 years really just locked inside to the point where nobody knows? I can't and won't keep going like this. I have nothing left to give. I can only keep this mask in place for so long and I'm nearing my endurance.
 
Dr Iron Arc

Dr Iron Arc

Into the Unknown
Joined
Feb 10, 2020
Messages
14,684
My suicide note’s going to be so pretentious and insufferable. I love it. I hope it makes anyone who tries to read it sick to their stomach and filled with regret for ever caring about me.

It starts with ‘Chapter 1’… :pfff:
 
nightnightnitrite

nightnightnitrite

baby blues
Joined
Apr 17, 2021
Messages
214
I keep trying to get on this site but it keeps going out saying host error. Idk what's happening but I do NOT like it):< I'm just trynna send out my daily hugs and not feel so isolated:,)
 
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Reactions: Dead Meat
http-410

http-410

nowhere
Joined
Sep 12, 2020
Messages
568
Every day could be the last. All it takes is the last straw to break the camel's back. What's the point of all the planning if it's going to happen on impulse at some point.

I am too soft to live a normal life. Sleeping pills yes or no?
 
CyanideSoup

CyanideSoup

Memento mori
Joined
Oct 1, 2019
Messages
459
I don't know if it's just me not understanding because my brain is broken, but WHY do people offer their support when they don't mean it? And I don't just mean those people who go "oh well you know I'm always here" when you say things have been a bit difficult. I mean the ones who go out of their way to push you to say how you feel only to provide no support at all.. I hate it. I hate being vulnerable, but I never learn. I feel so embarrassed for pouring my heart out about something so painful and personal just to be ignored.. Time to go socially isolate myself for 6 months again. So much easier.
 
nightnightnitrite

nightnightnitrite

baby blues
Joined
Apr 17, 2021
Messages
214
My ex texted me. I missed talking to him but I was scared if I got to message him again and plan a meet up Id go back to feeling good. It sounds weird but it would mean all of these thoughts wouldn't have been real and I was just being manic and stupid. However, I don't feel like I want to live any more than I did 5 minutes before getting his message. I'm happy to hear he is safe and doing better than I thought he was but I still feel like living life right now is pointless. I wish he had the courage to message me sober. I wish he didn't put me through what I went through in the first place but I understand why he did it.
 

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