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http-410

http-410

nowhere
Joined
Sep 12, 2020
Messages
630
I can't put it into words, but it's unpleasant.

Pain?

Another night of nightmares awaits me.

I wish I could leave.

I don't want to see people die.

I don't want all this, I never wanted it, but it has come to this.

It's so tragic. I hope it happens quickly for them. I wish I could go with them.
 
littlelungs

littlelungs

Experienced
Joined
Oct 21, 2018
Messages
209
People from Scandinavia and the Netherlands speak English so freakin' well... sometimes even better than a lot of native English speakers. I'm always so impressed by their language skills.
 
Meditation guide

Meditation guide

Desire=half of life. Indifference=half of death.
Joined
Jun 22, 2020
Messages
4,839
When two people are friends, there is the initial good behavior from each. It's like a general public niceness and friendliness used for everyone. As time goes by and the two people get to know each other and become more familiar there should be a deepening of mutual regard and respect.

Sometimes it happens that you don't feel this deepening of mutual regard and respect, and all that remains is the public politeness and friendship routine. There is no outright rudeness, but that respect isn't there. Then at some point you get the uneasy sense, through their words or behavior, they do not respect you. It can be subtle and easily overlooked. But it indicates the direction things are going; in a toxic direction.
 
littlelungs

littlelungs

Experienced
Joined
Oct 21, 2018
Messages
209
Even eating is such a massive struggle. I used to love to cook and try new recipes when I was still somewhat "able" to, and I'm obviously grateful to have any food at all... but now I'm lucky if I can manage to heat up something premade in the microwave. Nothing is even remotely enjoyable anymore. I wish I just didn't have to eat at all.

Guess it's some grapes with beans and corn from the can again.
 
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littlelungs

littlelungs

Experienced
Joined
Oct 21, 2018
Messages
209
I wish I didn't still have stuff to take care of, just so that I can go in peace. I'm so sick of everything being so difficult all the time.

I'm so ready for this suffering to finally be over.
 
hʚll

hʚll

not real
Joined
Jun 18, 2021
Messages
266
after many years of being in this world, i'm still in disbelief that most people think is normal to suffer or that it's something to be proud of or that it somehow makes you special.
i just can't accept it. i won't ever. it makes me angry, sad and SUICIDAL.
i think i post a lot on ss. sorry. i just don't know where to go
if i could drink my sn now, i would. but family is always home, and if i go out, they would call police on me, because they know i'm suicidal.
 
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http-410

http-410

nowhere
Joined
Sep 12, 2020
Messages
630
Yesterday, when I went to make myself breakfast, I suddenly became very dizzy/foggy/dissociated, and when I wanted to say something trivial to someone, I realized I couldn't speak, so I panicked slightly. I couldn't string words together or pronounce them, even though I wanted to.

Probably it was just a dissociative thing, even though I haven't experienced anything like that before. Or maybe it was a stroke. Even if it was, I don't care. As long as I don't become a nursing case and can still kill myself if I survive it...

I read that mini strokes are an indication to regular strokes and 10% of people with mini strokes die within the next few weeks. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
 
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S

S like suicide

Arcanist
Joined
Apr 29, 2021
Messages
438
I feel so alone and trapped:( lost and even unable to kill myself...i hate myself so much...i can't even move from my bed...i just sleep and stand in my dark room all the time breathing...i don't have motivation even for eat or go to the bathroom...why do i exist?i feel so bad and so wrong...i would like to harm myself badly and shut up my fucking mind but i don't have even tha force to do this.I don't want do nothing all day and every days...i live in constant procrastination...i can't do nothing
 
littlelungs

littlelungs

Experienced
Joined
Oct 21, 2018
Messages
209
Fuck. I might have sent too many messages at once. She sent me messages, too, so I was responding, but I'm so afraid that it was too much at once.

What if my voice sounded too depressed, or too weak from not talking a whole lot as it is? I'd assume that nobody wants to be friends with someone who even sounds like me. She's successful, intelligent, beautiful and doing exactly what I would have wanted to do in life if I wasn't such a fucked-up failure... and
then here I am, an actual dumpster fire in human form.

She asked me about my illness, but what if I shared too much in response? I can't even delete the messages on the app I used. She might figure out how fucking crazy I actually am and not want to talk to me anymore. No wonder I have barely any friends left. It's probably in their best interest and I did it to myself, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

And my Czech and Slovak "skills" are still so painfully bad, so why the hell did I even attempt to speak those in a voice message in the first place??? She probably won't understand a single word of what I said.

I hate myself so much. I'm severely ill, pathetic, crazy and stupid, and I wish I
could just blow my bullshit brain into oblivion, exactly where it belongs.
 
http-410

http-410

nowhere
Joined
Sep 12, 2020
Messages
630
Was back at the tracks, frustration drove me there.

A derelict looking man was there. He stood with his bicycle further away, and seemed to be watching the trains.

Whether he also struggles with his life? He left after a while and I was uncomfortable when he passed me. The place is a bit remote.

I feel like crap, so I called the crisis line. I squatted down next to my bicycle. Suddenly it fell on me while I was on the phone and knocked my phone out of my hand, lol. It was hard to understand each other as trains passed. At some point I felt so weird that I had to end the call. Maybe I sat in the sun too long. Maybe it's dissociation. But I'm still... frustrated.

I try not to think about it, but I fail. It is always there. As soon as I lie in bed and close my eyes, frustration engulfs me. Nobody understands me. Everyone waits like vultures. They are waiting for a spectacle.
 
downbad

downbad

Member
Joined
Jul 18, 2021
Messages
14
I sometimes see my family post in our whatsapp groups and makes me rethink if I really wanna ctb and never see them again but then I realize how shitty my life decisions have been recently and how grim the future looks then i get reminded why I gotta ctb.
 
http-410

http-410

nowhere
Joined
Sep 12, 2020
Messages
630
Procrastinating, avoiding the inevitable. I don't want to face it, I don't want it.

It feels like I've mostly died a long time ago, and yet I'm still hanging on by a thin thread.

I want to tear it apart... no, I will have to do it.

I watch myself die.

No medicine nor a human being can make me understand what it is worth fighting for.

There is simply nothing.

Not even I am no longer here.

There is only pain and despair.
 
hotelbeneathground

hotelbeneathground

zzz
Joined
Apr 13, 2021
Messages
2,853
Could you stay with me in this blood-red room?
 
WOODESITY

WOODESITY

Experienced
Joined
Mar 15, 2019
Messages
201
This night right now feels lonely, and all the anger in me is still bothering, death sounds very comforting, so comforting that i wait for courage when i can off myself, back to my favorite lovely thread, this random thread is very nice to me, just writing whatever comes on my mind
 
Seaghost

Seaghost

Student
Joined
Apr 14, 2019
Messages
117
Try to look foward either ending my life, love or both of it.
At he moment I'm playing Cyberpunk. It's trivial I know but it distracts me. Sometimes I think the story contains small parts of my life.
 
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hotelbeneathground

hotelbeneathground

zzz
Joined
Apr 13, 2021
Messages
2,853
I'm ready for the laughing gas. I'm ready to pretend I'm glad to be alive. I'm ready for the crush. Hey baby, hey baby, shhhh, I'll make us feel so good before we crash...
 
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