littlelungs

littlelungs

Arcanist
Oct 21, 2018
457
Waiting for my MIL to complain at me for things beyond my control and passive aggressively tell me how much of an inconvenience my husband and I are in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...

Edit: Yep, business as usual. The gaslighting was a nice little bonus.
 
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Seaghost

Seaghost

Student
Apr 14, 2019
177
I'm alive but I don't feel like it.
Try to climb a ladder and it's always gettin higher and higher. Sometimes I know I deserve this but I don't want that anymore.
My heart is cramped but it's beats further.
Can it just stop with it?

And which pill now? Which will do it? What is now the correct chemical thing to be alive? To stay alive? Drain Cleaner?
To survive is not to be alive

Talked to sky, to the universe....anything that could be there in the space above us. Nothing...not even an answering machine.
Just nothing. I have enough of nothing.
 
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Lauralyn

Member
Sep 16, 2021
39
Besides the stuff I saw that made me uncomfortable too its just like me to do something that everyone disapproves of. I'm an idiot.
 
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aviation

aviation

It's time to go home.
Jul 30, 2021
128
I love humanity, very deeply. But I am talking about the core of humanity, the true spirit of humanity, not its application in this world. But to people here - to humanity, by what you know this to mean - this world's application is all there is. And then there is no contrast to recognize this application with, or to differentiate application from its core, what shapes it, with. It's just 'what there is', not seen. If light was all you knew, you wouldn't see it, either. You'd need to know the contrast of darkness, for there to even 'be anything' in your perception. Else, it would just be 'reality'.
 
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L

Lauralyn

Member
Sep 16, 2021
39
I guess with events that have happened in my life maybe I'm not as conscientious as I thought I was. I definitely should have had strong feelings against something that I just didn't have. I can kind of reframe things in my head and see where my thinking went wrong at least or where I was lacking.

On a different note, in other ways, my mom I think is too much like me in some ways, she's been very sweet to me lately, I just hope she never has to go through feeling like her voice doesn't matter.
 
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Molded foundation

Molded foundation

Member
Sep 17, 2021
96
If I'm on the edge of a cliff and about to jump, I want somebody to play this and sing along to it while breakdancing to try and change my mind.
 
Meditation guide

Meditation guide

Desire=half of life. Indifference=half of death.
Jun 22, 2020
4,974
I know people have big problems mentally on this site and it's hard for them. But there are a few who are simply evil to the core.
There are others, more rare, who are angels and go above and beyond to help people too. I've experienced both kinds.
 
L

Lauralyn

Member
Sep 16, 2021
39
Understanding peoples feelings is a gift I just didn't have growing up. Not sure what changed me. I guess lacking close relationships is lack of practice. I know I had a boyfriend I loved once breaking up and reading about borderline personality helped me somewhat and just seeing and observing people more sensitive than average. You'd think being one of those people might have made a difference but I guess I just didn't really process other peoples emotions besides anger. I wouldn't have been good for anyone going through this stuff.
 
FuneralCry

FuneralCry

I want to sleep for an eternity
Sep 24, 2020
5,989
I need to go to sleep soon. It is past midnight. I always stay up too late. I feel so tired. I do not think I get enough sleep. It makes me feel terrible the next day. I always tell myself to try to go to sleep earlier but I never do. I hope I do not wake up again.
 
L

Lauralyn

Member
Sep 16, 2021
39
Just thinking about how when I was in psychosis the last thing I wrote in my notebook was someone's name who died the same night back when I was decoding everyone's names and believing someone could cause a heart attack with energy pointing devices. Weird things that happen just because you're psychotic. More things to be superstitious about.
 
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DunnoWhyButYeah

DunnoWhyButYeah

~*-*~
Apr 3, 2020
286
Some people are alone for a reason.

I got rid of a person who was very manipulative. He is full of self-pity, he feels a lot of hatred for women and other men, he is toxic and he blames other people for everything he experiences. He does not see himself as the reason why he is alone. I periodically understood him for a long time (too long!), I tried to help him... I do not understand why? I tolerate a lot of thinking that he can behave that way because he has bad experiences with people ...

Now I'm relieved. Still annoying that he will never understand. It also annoys me that I didn’t make him realize what he was doing to others and at the same time to himself.
 
C

clown_17

Recovery is a myth for me, time is of the essence
Oct 24, 2020
127
I am a much better, happier person on stimulants. I can focus, think through things deeply, and stay awake. Today is a no Vyvanse day and I can barely keep my eyes open. My brain literally feels hollow. I haven’t accomplished a single thing today.

The rat race of life is stupid. People get excited for the weekends and then end up being disappointed by them. It’s like there’s no point of anything but to escape a different undesirable situation.
 
littlelungs

littlelungs

Arcanist
Oct 21, 2018
457
Been awake for way too long. Tried to work on my notes so I can get closer to relief, and got absolutely nowhere because I just didn't know how to express what I wanted to say. Constant guilt about being a useless fucking burden on everyone. Threw up from the PEM and severe pain in my muscles. Paresthesia in my thighs and simultaneous numbness and burning on the skin, can't get comfortable in bed because of my spine. The clothes on my skin hurt. I genuinely cannot fathom how anyone could possibly love me; I don't see it, and I never have.

I feel like such a broken record. I'm so sick of my shit.
 
L

Lauralyn

Member
Sep 16, 2021
39
Why I wasn't gifted to see things in the right way always pretty low in antisocial traits someone said you're obsessed with rules I thought this is true how does someone I just met know me so well. This is part of my illness I'm gonna break some rules I thought. I think I'm interesting. Rules would include legality. Why doesn't my common sense work. Why do some things feel legal when they're not idk what else was the gonna say. I was 18. Maybe it's good to care about rules like I should stop smoking in my room lol maybe I was wrong. Maybe someone is smarter than me or maybe not just in certain ways because why else am I here. Bart Simpson ugh

Praying that my family handles all the bs I'm going through well esp my poor mom. Every day morning day night. Praying for my grandparents health while I'm away just scared its not gonna be the same once I do see them. Everyone is getting so old.
 
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stygal

stygal

.
Oct 29, 2020
1,675
I see so much violence at work.
Sometimes it makes me feel uneasy because I know that this is the real world - nothing is pretty about it and nobody is going to yell: “cut” so that you know it’s all just an act.

It’s real and it’s messy and it’s fucked up and I hate it.

Not even love saves anybody - all I see are toxic relationships and forced “make-believes” because of dependency or time.

I don’t know how in god’s name anyone could ever think that it’s a good idea to force another human into this shit hole by procreating.That should be a crime.

Everyone will suffer in the end.
 
L

Lauralyn

Member
Sep 16, 2021
39
Stressed out people trying to be my friend and hang out who wouldn't like me if they knew me

Another reason to scratch and bite myself. Like that stuff really isn't contributing. I don't know if I really deserve this I know what I think and feel about things and I could have done a lot worse things that were more obvious and been in a better situation now just I know what I thought and felt and I don't mean to minimize the the things I've done but I know I've had a lot of time to process things and see what I should have been thinking instead and I do have regret. Other things on my mind are how I've always wanted to apologize to people and things I've done in the past out of immaturity. I guess those people are gone though so whatever. One day when its appropriate I should apologize to my mom for being difficult. Obviously when I know what the effect is on human beings I regret the things I do which is a big difference between me and some other people. I actually have a conscience. Now that things are coming back to me I remember that was another reason I was self injuring. I was upset about things I said hurting a lot of people not just one person. Now I'm past the point of crying getting angry and SHing over anything it seems like. I'm selfish too.
 
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Seaghost

Seaghost

Student
Apr 14, 2019
177
Set the pills dose one step higher.
The framework of me and myself is a bit mir stable but it's not me....it's just chemistry.
Behind the chemial wall ist the void. It's waiting for me. It's wanting me.
And no magic to fill it just pills. The legal shit....
 
http-410

http-410

nowhere
Sep 12, 2020
732
It is futile...

How explicit am I supposed to express it?

I feel lost in a maze, my brain sucked out. I can't think.

I wish I could be helped, but I am repeatedly reminded that there is no help. Hopeless, desperate.

It's always the same cycle.

I am an idiot. For not breaking out of the circle. For still being here. What a coward. Babbling about suicide here, babbling about suicide there. But I haven't done it yet. Will I also fail to kill myself in the end? Am I such a big failure? Ugh, I can't stand myself anymore.
 
stygal

stygal

.
Oct 29, 2020
1,675
I start to give even less of a shit about others ...don’t know whether that’s a good or a bad thing.
One step away from being completely isolated.

Going off meds sucks, my brain is screaming at me right now.

I saw a bizarre incident today where a rat fought a pigeon that’s what you get by working in one of the dirtiest cities in the country.
 
Dr Iron Arc

Dr Iron Arc

Into the Unknown
Feb 10, 2020
15,518
I might have screwed myself over when it comes to my CTB plans by donating to a Kickstarter. I just noticed their eta for delivering the final product to me is December 2022 which I’m not sure I can bear to be around for. Hopefully it comes out sooner or if not then at least my loved ones will be consoled by the sick jazz arrangement album I’m getting delivered. :ahhha:
 
foxdieΩ

foxdieΩ

Experienced
Sep 16, 2021
208
Trying to setup/practice hanging on a door can be like a fucking Benny Hill sketch with Yakety Sax in the background. I feel like a Looney Tune, goddamn Wile E. Coyote over here. My god this would be hilarious if it wasn't so morbid.

 
C

callme

Wizard
Aug 15, 2021
687
Listen (fat), it's time to stop.

-CTB. How does it come out to a dyslexic? Probably CBT. They'll involuntarily get mixed up with the enemy!
Why bus? We are going to the hospital, the precinct or the psych ward? Well not the psych ward, buses don't go there but..

Why not plane? Going up there - to see the boss, because if he's reponsible as the church says, I am sure he looks like your boss. I also hope there's an HR department, for detailed complaints.

For the disbelievers, I am one btw, why not the baloon? Best one yet. Flying on your own. Self-reliance, borne by self-realizarion, using self-admittance and ends up in self-expression.

- Fall seven times get up eight. Why not seven? Fall seven times - get up an equal number. How and why do you get up an extra time, without first falling an extra time? Bad "motovational" marketing much?

- Wears his heart on his sleeve. So he's been to a japanese reeducation camp.

-Screams from the top of his lungs. You need little effort for that, it's very close to your trachea so you aren't screaming at all - not taking a deep breath if at the top of your lungs, just normal talking. If you need lots of air to scream, it's from the bottom of your lungs damnit.

- Democracy is the least worst. Then why is it the demo version, and not just cracy? Or crazy.

- Alternative medicine. Alternnative to real medicine? Then it's fake. If it worked, it would just be medicine.

- Half-pure. It's either pure or not, makes no sense. Can be half-whole, but that's not the same.

- Friend zone. If you are approaching from behind, the next logical step is to go for the touchdown all the way in, aha? But then they push you back. Why invent zones and make it sound like american football, when it's more like getting a behind in aussie football - just one point isntead of six...

- Quarterback. Neither is he back, neither on quarter the distance.

- Hit a homerun. You hit a ball, running comes later.

- Let's go home. Let's COME home. Are you "going" as if it's not your own home, or you at least live there? Going makes it sound like you're talking about a frat party.
 
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