Helios

Helios

probably eating milk steak
Sep 29, 2021
6
I was talking to a friend about white torture of all things, where someone is locked in a small white room with lights on 24/7, in total isolation from people. We spoke about how inhumane it is to deprive someone of any stimulation, and how it leads to people feeling deep depersonalisation and derealization.

I thought about how depression makes me want to isolate myself, and how it drains me of any energy so I stay in bed for days. The crushing loneliness. We are social creatures, and our brains needs stimulation. I could never begin to imagine what people in those rooms actually felt like, but it made me grateful I have thousands of things to keep my monkey brain entertained when I feel alone.
 
http-410

http-410

nowhere
Sep 12, 2020
744
Everything is ordinary, everything goes on as usual. The people outside going about their business, the sky, the stars, the seasons. Everything repeats endlessly, it does not even matter whether there is a pandemic or not.

It's hard to imagine that at some point there will be a cut (or a dragging leaving?) and then - nothing.

I will leave this planet, somehow, and never see this moon and stars again. I will never press that power button on my PC again.

Paradoxically, I appreciate life more the less time becomes, yet nothing changes my hopelessness. I feel completely torn, like I'm going forward and backward at the same time. I can't help but stand still, and at the same time it tears me apart.

This reminds me of bugged characters that wobble so much until they eventually fly around, just disappear, or the program crashes.
 
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The Divine Comedy

The Divine Comedy

Everything that has a beginning has an end
Oct 19, 2021
40
I thought this thread could be interesting. Sometimes one might have a topic they want to talk about or just vent, but they might think it is not worth making a thread about it.

For example, I will start.

Earlier when I was taking a shower, I remembered something I had long forgotten and it made me realize I might have been wishing for death for longer than I thought. It was of my belief that I started wishing to die around my 15 years old mark or so, but even before that, I now remember fantasizing in my head about dying to protect/save someone. The someone in question would change, but they were usually my yearly school crush (I pretty much had a different crush every year when I was a kid). It is weird, isn't it? Even as a 10 years old or so kid, death was already a common thought for me. I wonder why...



Anything goes, but keep it civil and no prejudice/hatred here, please. If the thread isn't interesting, just let it fade away — Eventually it will be buried by other new threads.
I had similar fantasies for a long time. After some reflection, I realised it was dually motivated by both the desire for death and the desire for meaning. Sacrificing oneself for another fulfulls both of those desires. It is a beautiful thing. One might call it sublime.
 
http-410

http-410

nowhere
Sep 12, 2020
744
Both life and suicide are a waste of time.

It's weird how everything ends up in insignificance. Like flushing the toilet.

Seeing other people go down any path, whether to life or death, makes me realize how stuck I am. I think it would do me good to hide the recovery section.

Somehow I managed to dissociate myself af by being there and standing around. I wonder why the dogs barked at me so aggressively.
 
littlelungs

littlelungs

Arcanist
Oct 21, 2018
460
I just had a George Michael song stuck in my head and I automatically thought to myself, "He's so talented; I wonder what he's been up to lately?"... and then right after that thought popped into my stupid head, I remembered that he died in 2016. What the fuck. :ehh:
 
Circles

Circles

There's a difference between existing and living.
Sep 3, 2018
1,485
While I’ve been looking into alternate history the curious side of me kinda wishes what World War 1 and 2 would’ve been like if both lasted atleast a decade each. God the history documentaries would be insane.
 
avoid_slow_death

avoid_slow_death

Ready to embrace the peaceful bliss of the void.
Feb 4, 2020
938
So can't wait until January 1st at midnight. Will be able to finally leave this nightmare of a life behind me. I'm actually excited like in a countdown to Christmas kind of way!:love::love:
 
avoid_slow_death

avoid_slow_death

Ready to embrace the peaceful bliss of the void.
Feb 4, 2020
938
So....this is what my last days are like....wanting to die so badly, but delaying it temporarily for others sake. Everyone aware I can do it any minute but nobody trying to stop me and then there's the worst part....no close friends. Not one. Sad thing is, I saw it possibly ending this way a long time ago. Guess I really was right. I really am a completely disposable and worthless piece of trash and taking myself out is no different than throwing out the garbage....
 
AverageFanEnjoyer

AverageFanEnjoyer

The Real Monster
Sep 26, 2021
1,277
ally me feelings are all over the place. (im absolutely drunk rn so expect many typos whoops). I don't know what to do. I feel very anxious regarding something about uni right now. On another side is ym whole future and of course now I have on my shoulder the weight of having a crush again. I have the highest urge to confess now that I am drunk but I have to hold myself otherwise it will go to shit. Would I even confess ever? even when they got everything planned? I don't know. I dont even know wtf is love anymore. even which kind of love ifeel rn. 99% of the time i can;t describe what I feel. I dont know myself anymore. Its like im a complete stranget even to myself. I actually always felt like I was myself living in the wrong mind and body. The all the moments of depersonalization i had holy cow. My firt one was at 6-7 years old for fucks sake. i think thats it for now i cant do more im too drunk.
 
R

rationaltake

Specialist
Sep 28, 2021
390
So....this is what my last days are like....wanting to die so badly, but delaying it temporarily for others sake. Everyone aware I can do it any minute but nobody trying to stop me and then there's the worst part....no close friends. Not one. Sad thing is, I saw it possibly ending this way a long time ago. Guess I really was right. I really am a completely disposable and worthless piece of trash and taking myself out is no different than throwing out the garbage....
I appreciate your posts. Your character shines through. I tend to brevity so this is short.
 
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AverageFanEnjoyer

AverageFanEnjoyer

The Real Monster
Sep 26, 2021
1,277
He's so frickin' perfect and sweet I can't even...
 
AverageFanEnjoyer

AverageFanEnjoyer

The Real Monster
Sep 26, 2021
1,277
My self doubts and negativity always get in the way of what could be a chance, a something good in my life. I hate myself to the oblivion for this.
 
Manaaja

Manaaja

euROPE
Sep 10, 2018
763
This world doesn't feel real. It's odd, the more realistic and pessimistic I am the more everything feels unreal and fake like a bad nightmare, and whenever I'm positive and happy everything feels real. I just have this innate instinct that everything good and happy is real and everything bad is unreal. I feel much more sane and mentally healthy when I believe in good miracles and good deeds, and completely retarded, evil and psychotic when I believe that bad things are real.

Maybe that's why it's almost impossible for me to be depressed, because I have this child-like faith that good will beat evil and good miracles happen. But not now, I'm the most exhausted, tired, depressed person right now.

Lately I've been absolutely atheistic. I hate it. I hate it when I'm an atheist. Because it's impossible for me to be mentally sane and function if there's no greater goal and no greater goodness. Like if I see a bad person and a good person. When I'm theistic or spiritual or whatever it is, I think that the bad person will be punished and go to hell and the good person will go to heaven and be rewarded. It makes me so happy. But when I'm feeling atheistic, I just think "That bad person probably has been rewarded with free sex, significant others, friends, good health, dream houses, lots of money, easy jobs, good parents, lovely siblings, and all kinds of good things, while that good person will probably suffer from poverty, abuse, rape, loneliness, bad health, awful living conditions and then finally commit suicide"

This is all unhealthy. I wish I could get full control over my own life.
 
OrcWitch

OrcWitch

Specialist
Sep 3, 2021
356
Wet Dry World in super mario 64 is kind of eerie. A lot of things in that game are eerie but I was unable to see it when I was 5 and playing it for the first time. Another eerie game was Donkey Kong country 3 for the SNES, which I also didn't see as a kid. The barrel boss and the snowman boss are nightmarish creatures.
 
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http-410

nowhere
Sep 12, 2020
744
I feel weird and I don't know what to think. I guess I'm just tired. If I go for a walk right now, my flow of thoughts will probably start working again. I wonder if that's such a good thing.

Recent reports have been off-putting, but I don't know what to do. The last few weeks in particular have been tough. It can't go on like this forever.
 
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http-410

http-410

nowhere
Sep 12, 2020
744
I wish I had the guarantee that it won't be bad and agonizing and that I won't regret it. I wish I had N.

It's terrible that people have no other choice.

Ugh, I knew going for a walk was not a good idea.

I'm also wishing for a bunch of fast food right now.