Seaghost

Seaghost

Student
Apr 14, 2019
181
Mhhh one of that things thats bad to discribe as non native speaker but its in my head and wanted out so badly.

I wish I could fly like Peter Pan.
So I could fly around the planet. A few minutes at every user here. Having a hug for you or just some kind words so that your pain isnt so intense in that short time. Give you a smile and and some kind of positive vibrations.
Like a bee frome flower to flower.
You are awake at night and need someone to see...someone who knows you are here. I'd fly to you. Say its good to see you. Good you are alive.
You wanna ctb? Its ok. I fly to you. Give you peace in that moment. Waiting till your body release that magical 21gramms of your soul and bring your spirit wherever you want.
You were not able to ctb? Something goes wrong? I would fly to you. Give you some peace. Try to make your suffering a lil bit fewer.
You want recovery? I bring you some flowers. Some good news of your friends and if you don't have some friends I bring you to other people in that situation so you will be friends

If I could fly...
I can't fly. I am no bird, no dragon, no angel.
Maybe I can do that if I'm dead. So dear Santa Claus make me that I'm dead and let that corrupt thing called body behind of me and fly to people who suffer and give me the power to mak em happy.

I wish I could fly!!!!!
 
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littlelungs

littlelungs

Arcanist
Oct 21, 2018
460
I'm so nervous.

I told my stepmom that I have ME/CFS and about a couple other of my chronic illnesses in an email earlier because whenever she's asked me how I'm doing I always feel the need to be as vague as possible when answering, as I've always been very reserved when it comes to talking about my health out of fear of the wide range of shitty reactions I could get (and have gotten in the past from my dad's side). I'm really sensitive when it comes to my chronic illnesses because of how much bullshit and suffering I went through trying to be heard and to get help and how much I'm still suffering the consequences from having to deal with all of that. I'm afraid of being invalidated and called a "faker" like I was when I first fell ill with ME/CFS as a teenager, which is a large part of why I covered it up and suffered alone with it for so long... I was young, highly impressionable and very traumatized and I was so scared of what other people thought and said about me. Lots of gaslighting.

Anyway, she's most likely going to pass the info on to my dad and I'm panicking and regretting having said anything about it and potentially making myself vulnerable to their judgment, and I've had to take a pill for the anxiety because it's just too much.

I know that I'm an adult and don't actually have to tell them anything if I'm not comfortable with it, but at the same time, it's really hard for me to answer such a simple, common question like, "How are you?" without some context. I've never lied and said that I'm doing well; rather I've just kept it short and said some sort of variant of, "I'm struggling with my chronic conditions and doing the best I can," but it's hard to say that every single damn time without it sounding weird if they don't even have much of an idea as to what's actually going on with me, and then they'll keep saying things like, "I'm glad you're doing well," when I've never actually said anything about doing well, and it just rubs me the wrong way because then I don't ever want to be dishonest or give people the wrong impression... and, idk, it all just stresses me right out.

I hope I don't get a shitty reaction. I don't want pity; all I've ever really wanted is to be heard... maybe understood, but I know that's a reach.

I also just really hate the "how are you?" question in general, because a) it reminds me of how fucked up everything is, and b) most people don't even care about the answer anyway, OR they're extremely with the answer because I had the nerve to answer honestly.
 
YMN

YMN

Member
Nov 14, 2021
8
Life can be painfully ironic at times. I had a midterm today, and I was so nervous I self harmed in my department building's bathroom before going to class. And then I went overboard in the bathroom again when we went on break after the test. Later in the evening, I got a call from my college. It was a lady from the mental health services asking me how I was doing, if I was feeling distressed, what she could do to help, and if I wanted to make an appointment to see an on-campus therapist. In all my 3 years of being a student here, I've never gotten a call like this before.
 
littlelungs

littlelungs

Arcanist
Oct 21, 2018
460
I'm so nervous.

I told my stepmom that I have ME/CFS and about a couple other of my chronic illnesses in an email earlier because whenever she's asked me how I'm doing I always feel the need to be as vague as possible when answering, as I've always been very reserved when it comes to talking about my health out of fear of the wide range of shitty reactions I could get (and have gotten in the past from my dad's side). I'm really sensitive when it comes to my chronic illnesses because of how much bullshit and suffering I went through trying to be heard and to get help and how much I'm still suffering the consequences from having to deal with all of that. I'm afraid of being invalidated and called a "faker" like I was when I first fell ill with ME/CFS as a teenager, which is a large part of why I covered it up and suffered alone with it for so long... I was young, highly impressionable and very traumatized and I was so scared of what other people thought and said about me. Lots of gaslighting.

Anyway, she's most likely going to pass the info on to my dad and I'm panicking and regretting having said anything about it and potentially making myself vulnerable to their judgment, and I've had to take a pill for the anxiety because it's just too much.

I know that I'm an adult and don't actually have to tell them anything if I'm not comfortable with it, but at the same time, it's really hard for me to answer such a simple, common question like, "How are you?" without some context. I've never lied and said that I'm doing well; rather I've just kept it short and said some sort of variant of, "I'm struggling with my chronic conditions and doing the best I can," but it's hard to say that every single damn time without it sounding weird if they don't even have much of an idea as to what's actually going on with me, and then they'll keep saying things like, "I'm glad you're doing well," when I've never actually said anything about doing well, and it just rubs me the wrong way because then I don't ever want to be dishonest or give people the wrong impression... and, idk, it all just stresses me right out.

I hope I don't get a shitty reaction. I don't want pity; all I've ever really wanted is to be heard... maybe understood, but I know that's a reach.

I also just really hate the "how are you?" question in general, because a) it reminds me of how fucked up everything is, and b) most people don't even care about the answer anyway, OR they're extremely with the answer because I had the nerve to answer honestly.

Follow-up on this stream of nervousness.

I emailed my dad and told him directly about my health situation. I feel like this could go well or very, very badly. He's very prompt when it comes to checking his emails so he's probably reading it as I write this. I'm shitting bricks and contemplating whether or not I'm ever going to open my email app ever again, lol.

I feel like he would respect me a lot more to hear it from me instead of from my stepmom... but the thing that makes me the most nervous is that his response to what I told him could be anything. He's traumatised as well and because of it he has a hard time expressing himself, which is clear as daylight whenever anything serious comes up; it almost seems like he thinks that "resilience" equates to shutting down and not talking about things, or downplaying them. I told him in the email that this is a sensitive thing to me and that the only reason why I was telling him was because I wanted to be less vague upon being asked about how I'm doing - that I don't want to give the wrong impression and just want to be direct. Ironically enough I babbled my ass off towards the end because I was nervous and trying to lighten the mood somehow, despite having told him about an illness I have that can really fuck a person's life up (and in my case, already has). I've never felt the need to do this with any other parent. I'm just so desperate for my dad's unconditional love and approval and I'm terrified of losing it, and it just makes me feel absolutely pathetic.

I don't know. I have daddy issues. I'll be the first to admit to it.
 
AverageFanEnjoyer

AverageFanEnjoyer

The Real Monster
Sep 26, 2021
1,278
I'll never understand why young people in my country call each other ''coaie'' which means balls.
 
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Reactions: Manaaja
littlelungs

littlelungs

Arcanist
Oct 21, 2018
460
I shit you not, for the past few days, whenever I check the time, it's ALWAYS 11 minutes past the hour. I don't know if this is just some weird coincidence or if there's something "else" going on here, but it's been consistent enough for me to actually *notice* it and think that it's a little bit strange.

So there's that.
 
AverageFanEnjoyer

AverageFanEnjoyer

The Real Monster
Sep 26, 2021
1,278
There's a saying that goes: ''what you don't like you don't do to others''. Many people dislike being harassed and have nasty comments thrown at, yet they don't hesitate 1 second to do the same to others. Even on this site there are some that... I don't even know why I'm surprised and shocked since I'm a misanthrope and expect the worst in everyone, I guess that you really have to be that low to go on a suicide forum and act as a know-it-all and throw unrespectful and rude comments at people who are genuinely suffering. Bullshit.
 
Manaaja

Manaaja

euROPE
Sep 10, 2018
764
My SN order got cancelled. Apparently you can't have it sent to a residence... ;-;
Can you order it to a post office or something?

I've also heard some Youtubers use some kind of mailbox service. That way fans can send them fanmail but the youtubers don't have to give out their real mailbox address.

Or is it that they only send to factories and shops or something?
 
Manaaja

Manaaja

euROPE
Sep 10, 2018
764
I have been searching for one horror game for a long time, finally found it today. It's called Visage. I remember watching a Japanese guy play it years ago. It was fun.

I really wish they made it illegal to thoughtjail people. Sometimes I want to have more disability money and a personal assistant again, but I don't want to risk getting thoughtjailed.

And they should just say "You have asperger, here's free disability money and a free assistant for you for the rest of your life, have fun".
 
Scribble Fan

Scribble Fan

I'm out!
May 30, 2019
816
Can you order it to a post office or something?

I've also heard some Youtubers use some kind of mailbox service. That way fans can send them fanmail but the youtubers don't have to give out their real mailbox address.

Or is it that they only send to factories and shops or something?
They only send it to factories and places like that. Thank you for trying to help.
 
Nessie

Nessie

Cynical
Aug 23, 2020
1,212
I went to a bank to replace my credit card because the chip in it stopped working properly after I dropped it in a line at a supermarket and some asshole in heels stepped on it. The operationist offered me to pay a little extra to get a card with a cool design and apparently the newest hottest set of credit card designs is "Squid game"-themed. Now that's some really sinister sense of humour...
 
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http-410

http-410

nowhere
Sep 12, 2020
744
People do not understand anything.

To reach an understanding person from the helpline is an absolute stroke of luck. I'm tired of people imposing their beliefs on me or recommending books to me when I'm in the middle of a goddamn crisis.

I should have stopped doing it. It only makes things worse.

I don't know how I'm supposed to hang on. I don't want to and I can't anymore. Everything is too much.

I am tired. It is a permanent crisis.

I don't know how much longer I can keep up appearances to them. They tell me about life and my future, while I can't think of anything but suicide. Every second I imagine how and when I will do it, what it will look like, what I will feel and think. I need to break out of this cycle. Often enough I've tried to turn to life, but some shit always happens that sets me back endlessly. It's stupid to try to do the same thing over and over again. I can't imagine enduring this misery for years like people do here.

It's been going on too long, this crisis doesn't stop.
 
Manaaja

Manaaja

euROPE
Sep 10, 2018
764
Shadow of the Colossus spoilers:

I saw lots of people write that Shadow of the Colossus made the Colossi seem sympathetic and killing them felt bad. I completely disagree. My thought process went:

1. Gee, this land is really barren, there's hardly any animals or plants and no humans. There are some ruins however. The Colossi probably destroyed the city and all living beings.
2. Oh, there's a Colos - shit it's attacking! Why?! I haven't done anything yet!
3. And now the protagonist died. Fucking Colossus. A giant violent thing mauling a tiny human boy who has done nothing.

How to make the Colossi sympathetic:

1. Once upon a time the Colossi lived in harmony with animals and people.
2. There was a coroviru I mean a plague or a war or an invasion by evil beings or something. The Colossi tried to protect the people and animals and all, but in the end all the others died and only the Colossi lived.
3. You go there and see a Colossus
4. The Colossus is grieving in front of a mass grave. It notices you, gets jumpscared, and backs away. Clearly fearing you and being wary of you, but wanting no fight.
5. You chase the Colossus a few meters while it backs down, but then it hits a wall (a ruin wall or a mountain wall or whatever). A few pieces of stone/rocks fall down on the Colossus when it hits the wall to show how powerful it is to make the walls crumble. The Colossus also seems irked and in a little pain when the stones hit it. It lets out a cry of pain. (not severely hurt, but think if someone slapped your arm)
6. The Colossus gets irritated, and starts making warning moves and sounds, but still doesn't attack. It looks and points away as if to tell you, "Leave! Go back the way you came!"
7. You still attack it.
8. Fight.
9. In its dying breath it crawls on the ground towards the grave before fainting in front of it.

Think of the flying Colossi. They could have just flown away. They could also just kidnap the girl and carry her elsewhere forcing the boy to follow or lie in ambush and steal the sword so the boy couldn't fight them and find them. Or the fucking Gorilla. It could have stayed in hiding, but no, it just suddenly attacks out of nowhere.

There could have also been a double Colossi fight. You fight against one Colossus, then when it dies it cries out calling for someone. And then a second Colossus arrives, sees the first Colossus, panics, rushes to take the injured Col into its arm, caresses it, then when the first Col dies in its arm, it gets sad first, then looks at you, gets angry, and attacks. (A double Colossi fight where you fight against both at the same time would also be cool, jump on a horse Colossus and then jump from it onto a bird Colossus etc. Or two bird Colossi and while you are 20 meters up from the ground flying on the first one's back you try to jump onto the second bird's back.)

You don't need speech or anything to convey that. Just looks, gestures, animalistic cries are enough.

Now that I think about it, it would have been cool if there was one moment like this with one of the Colossi, the gorilla one for example: if the player gets caught by a Colossus, the Colossus slams him into the floor/ground. The boy is alive and conscious but his health is very low and he can barely move. He slowly struggles to a sitting position. Meanwhile the Colossus raises its fist/foot, but stops as if to think, and lowers it back to ground as if it wanted to give the boy one more chance to surrender and leave. But then the boy takes his sword into his hand, and slowly raises to face the Colossus, and points the sword at it. At that moment the Colossus lifts its fist/foot again, and smashes the boy dead.

Shit, I should be a video game writer. I can imagine that scene in my head. It's so cool. I wish I could show you.

I feel that the Colossi wanted to die since they were part of a being who wanted to be reborn like Voldemort. Maybe they only fought to test the boy whether he was strong and good enough to be a vessel. I guess people thought "A being alone in a destroyed place and not wanting to go down easily = sympathetic".

I would have wanted to post this on the reddit Colossus forums, but they'd have probably downvoted me.
 
kruecorporation

kruecorporation

DOCTOR MAL-PRACTICE
Nov 29, 2021
57
Recently been thinking about how easy it would be to go to a pet store and buy those live feeder mice for big snakes.
I don't have a snake, but I really crave the experience of eating something alive once. Maybe I was meant to be a big python for someone to keep as a pet . . . It probably sounds so messed up . . . I think it stems from me being jealous of other people who don't have rotting organs inside of them like me, wanting to eat them, but knowing I can't legally eat people, I turn to mice. I feel so sick when I think about it, I want to cut myself open and take it out. I don't even know what it is. But I know it's there. It's probably killing me, that's one way to go. Either way, I feel like eating something live would solve all of my problems (overstatement). I don't eat much else of actual food items anyways, I need the nutrients LMAO . . .
(Or when I get a giant centipede we can share the mice . . .)
 
F

fizi22

Member
Nov 15, 2021
49
Recently been thinking about how easy it would be to go to a pet store and buy those live feeder mice for big snakes.
I don't have a snake, but I really crave the experience of eating something alive once. Maybe I was meant to be a big python for someone to keep as a pet . . . It probably sounds so messed up . . . I think it stems from me being jealous of other people who don't have rotting organs inside of them like me, wanting to eat them, but knowing I can't legally eat people, I turn to mice. I feel so sick when I think about it, I want to cut myself open and take it out. I don't even know what it is. But I know it's there. It's probably killing me, that's one way to go. Either way, I feel like eating something live would solve all of my problems (overstatement). I don't eat much else of actual food items anyways, I need the nutrients LMAO . . .
(Or when I get a giant centipede we can share the mice . . .)
Wut
 
Manaaja

Manaaja

euROPE
Sep 10, 2018
764
I tried to get drunk to kill survival instinct and then ctb, but it failed because I became way too tired, I couldn't even tie a rope. Of course even though I was too tired to even tie a rope or do anything I still didn't fall asleep. Fuck. I was so tired that I was sure I'd fall down, sleep on the floor, and then wake up at 10am on Saturday morning and ctb then.
 
stygal

stygal

.
Oct 29, 2020
1,682
Cleaning out my closet - finding a dress at the bottom under old sheets and bedding - why did I put such a perfectly nice dress there? - oh, that was the one I got raped in and till this day haven’t even touched.

Old forgotten memories.