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Everything is so incredibly pointless that it is unbearable. My head is about to burst and implode, I have no idea what to do. They always say the same thing, and it always comes down to the same thing. Nothing changes. I can't take this much longer. It's killing me, it's hollowing me out, it's eating me up from the inside.
Great start to my Christmas so far: losing five games in a row in Pokémon Unite when I was pretty close to Master Rank. Oh yeah, and my destructive thoughts to actually start trying are coming back. I hate the Christmas spirit. At least I have eggnog though.
Imagine going to bed at 00:00, stretching a lot the whole night, and in the end it's 10:00 you never fell asleep, you are more tired than ever, you literally can't even remember your name, and every part of the body hurts like hell and is stone stiff as if you haven't strecthed in ten million years.
I'm definitely gonna be a creature of magic in next life.
Me: "I was very suicidal, but I am now determined to turn my life around and get better!"
Government: "You are now not allowed to enter any public space because you haven't got the COVID vaccine".
Me: "Okay, give me the COVID vaccine"
Government: "No, people can get it at any medical institution as well as several public vaccination centers, but you cannot get it anywhere unless you have medical insurance and/or contract with a specific doctor in a specific hospital. You can only get that in person, on a weekday, at a time any reasonable person would be at work, and how you're supposed to get any time off work is none of our business".
Me: "Okay, whatever, I'll lock myself indoors for the rest of my life, it's not that bad anyway"
Government: "Oh, in other news, you're now conscriptable to war that has a very real posibility of happening soon. Merry fucking Christmas and a Happy New Year!".
I get a feeling some higher powers don't want me to make it through.
It's Chrisstmas and people spend with their loved ones and preach about being good and kind under a warm and safe roof over their heads for 1 day while the 364 other days they are mean pos. But what about those who don't have a shelter and have no one? Can you imagine how heartbteaking the christmas might be for them? Putting myself in their place is absolutely destroying but it's the reality. No one thinks about them ever/
I wish I could escape this all. My past. My life. Humans were not made for this level of isolation. Sure I have my online friends. I have my pets. But it's not enough. Then I feel guilty for thinking it is not enough to keep me tethered. I had to move to a new town to avoid being homeless and I feel trapped in this place. No car. No way to leave. When my ex tried to murder me no one took it seriously. Some people sided with him and called me a liar for it all.
It's like I'm a red headed Hannah Montana with my double lives. In the end everyone seems to see glimmers of me but never the real me. Unlike Hannah I certainly don't have the best of both worlds. I wish I had a family and offline friends. I wish I could speak openly to the people I care about without being afraid of how they would react. I know they would be scared which is okay because I'm scared too. But they wouldn't know how to handle me if I let all my walls come down.
I'm so fucking anxious about the fireworks tonight. It's a total crapshoot as to whether it will be relatively mild or sound like a literal warzone outside. It's so insensitive to animals and people with PTSD and noise sensitivities.
The shutters are closed and I will have my noise-cancelling headphones, take some anti-anxiety medication and stay under my blankets.
Fuck fireworks, and fuck PTSD and ME/CFS, too, while we're at it.
New Years makes me sad... yet another year has gone by and I've only gotten worse. On the bright side, it will probably be my last.
Out of a mix of curiosity and desperation, after learning about r/suicidewatch I made a reddit account with a throwaway email and posted there. I got personal messages from two people and had a pleasant and civil (if not very helpful) chat with both of them. Within 15 minutes of conversation one of them admitted to being a diagnosed psychopath who does not have a sense of empathy, and the other one admitted to being an actual sadist that gets off to the pain of others. So yeah. Reddit is the most fascinating social platform I've used so far. The sadist guy is fun to talk to and has a real good music taste, if I don't CTB today might come back for a chat with him even though it suspiciously tilts more and more towards a very messed up roleplay.
The Spiderman 1 movie (the old trilogy with Bully Maguire) begins with Peter saying "The woman I've loved since before I even liked girls". So, Mary is a transwoman?
"Mary, I love you, as a man loves a man."
"I'm actually a transwoman"
"Shit, I already told everyone I was gay. Well, never mind that. In that case, I'll love you as a man loves a woman."
He then continues by saying "Heck, I'd even take him" about a random guy. That Chad Guire really went from an innocent demisexualgay to allosexual. I could write a naughty doujinshi about this.
Imagine a movie where Peter only loves Mary the transwoman, but she doesn't give a fuck about him, then he succumbs to depression and starts asking out random guys and girls in metros and buses, but everyone rejects him and he gets banned from entering public transport. So he becomes evil, eats a spider, gets his Spiderman powers, and uses them to do evil. Like webbing random people on dark alleys, hehehe. Finally he is beaten by Doctor Octo-Pussy who, as a person who has a good and loving relationship with his wife and doesn't fuck everything that moves, teaches him the meaning of true love. Spiderman first tries to steal O-pussy's tenctacles, but after being beaten by him, loses his Spiderman web powers by ejaculating all the webbing inside him out at once, and becomes an eunuch. Now that he is a powerless eunuch he can't resist (I don't mean romantically) Octo anymore, so he forfeits, and starts his healing process, he no longer desires other people and he has no superpowers anymore, and starts living like a regular guy and studying science. Later he meets Otto again, Otto (who never found out Parker is Spiderman), thinks Peter has potential to be a good scientist who can invent many great things, and hires Peter as his apprentice. The End.
The second movie is about Otto one day 8 years later on a really drunken party night remembering that Spiderman had wanted to steal his "tentacles" to do naughty things. So he starts doing naughty things with the tentacles in public, and now it's Peter who has to use his Eunuch powers to defeat lust once and for all. Octo's wife divorces him, Peter marries her and finally when Peter has a chance to get consentual sex, he refuses it, since he prefers being a good Eunuch. Tying nicely with the first movie where he lusted after Mary for 5 years and after getting rejected started trying to get everyone.
What happens to Octo? Well, heeeee........ I don't know. Maybe he gets thrown into a lake, and Peter thinks he drowned, but he actually drifted along the river, until he was found by Mary and her newest Chad friend. Octo got his head hit (in the fight, or hit a river rock), has an amnesia, doesn't remember Peter, Spidy or his wife anymore and starts a new life in which he helps (consentually) people with disabilities with his tenctacle arms.
i hate that im so indecisive, I don't know if I should do it or not, I weigh the pros and cons and still would do it even if there would be more cons than pros. I don't know, I'd also consider the saying ''trying never hurts'' but whenever I tried it was a failure. Realistically I don't think that much would happen but I still cant decide.
Also why tf I can't find any true crime videos to watch.