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noname223

Visionary
Aug 18, 2020
2,330
I feel guilty that I am not entertaining this forum with new interesting threads. I am very unstable. Again quite paranoid even worse than yesterday. Tomorrow is my free day I hope I can stop ruminating and overthinking. I studied today a lot. Though I try not to take the addictive medication. Today is my third day in a row.

But there is also another reason why I am not that active. I am currently chatting with a bipolar girl. I think she is at the beginning of a manic episode. She is delusional and really manic. I have made threads about her. I don't want her as a gf this is why it is so easy for me to chat with her. She is not really fully sane but I like her. When she is manic she endangers her life. The therapists are really desperate about her case. It is pathological that she stops her medication I think this is caused by mania and delusions. I think and probably many of her therapists think that her life will end by suicide or an accident. She almost killed herself during a psychotic episode. She told me therapists deny her therapy due to the fact she denies medication. I think it must be a horrible responsibility to have her as a patient. I think other people have given up on her.

I try not to carry the weight of responsibility too much. Honestly she almost always ignores my tips and advices. Moreover I am also very vulnerable and unstable but it is not really that much of a burden for me. It would hit me a lot if she killed herself. But honestly I cannot really prevent that. She does not listen to me.

My suicidality is like a 5. I am again paranoid due to the girl from college. It is very likely only delusional. I try not to think too much about it. I have explained the whole shit again to my friends. They tell me I am overthinking things in an extreme way.

I am really scared about another manic or psychotic episode. I try to relax. Sad music and this forum help me to get down. Yesterday it worked. But today it is all too much for me.
 
Lebensunwertes

Lebensunwertes

Du bist auf dich allein gestellt
May 26, 2022
126
Probably around 4. Lack of accomplishments and the mundane existence. I am stuck in a nostalgia loop where only distant memories seem favorable. It seems that over the past couple of years my old world disintegrated and I entered this new reality where I am just a relic of the past.
 
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lonelyflyinginsect

Member
Mar 23, 2022
20
I have been 5-6 for a long time now and recently I have gone up till 8-9 I guess.

The only reason I still haven't CTB is because of the "family" members I live with. I do dislike them but still i dont know if i have in myself to traumatize them by displaying a dead body especially the 8-years old nephew in the house, the only person I have truly loved from day 1.

I'm almost 30 years old but can't seem to recall even 50 days from all of my life that I can say that were worth living for.
 
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outrider567

Wizard
Apr 5, 2022
613
My birthday today,first one without her in decades--typical crappy day, about a 9, made worse by insomnia last night, then took a gummy Melatonin, which ripped out a crown at 4 AM--Back to the dentist today(30 minutes away) to reattach it---Orange Poinciana trees bloom here in Florida this time of year, she always looked forward to seeing these pretty trees each year, each one I saw today reminds me of her, and that she's just not here to enjoy them anymore....
 
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Squiddy

Squiddy

Here Lies My Hopes And Dreams
Sep 4, 2019
5,849
7. Even though the mean supervisor isn't here tonight, my anxiety is through the roof for no reason, though I'm hiding how I really feel from my coworkers. Also I'm kinda bummed because I was going to buy a new phone and the cell carrier accepted my money, but just a few minutes ago, they sent me an email saying they cancelled it. Probably because of my shit credit score from medical debt. I'm kinda worried I won't be able to escape my family with an apartment because they'll deny me due to credit and it's kinda making me feel trapped and wanting to ctb
 
Squiddy

Squiddy

Here Lies My Hopes And Dreams
Sep 4, 2019
5,849
9 went up a few points. I'm in so much emotional pain right now. Nothing really happened, just my BPD acting up. I really want to ctb and if it weren't for trying to stay alive for a few friends, it'd be a 10. I feel like crying right now, but will have to wait until work is over in a few hours
 
LifeSucksDenWeDie

LifeSucksDenWeDie

I hate myself because of what I am not.
Apr 19, 2022
1,246
8. Just wasting away. Today is going to be the same routine as any other day. Lay in bed for 4 hours while browsing discord and sasu, trigger my dysphoric feelings, eat, and go back to bed.
 
Lullaby

Lullaby

🌙
Mar 9, 2022
414
8. I was doing so well last night with distracting myself from everything. Then I had a nightmare about that’s been going on in my life lately but it was worse. It was like I was being mocked and made fun of.

Now I’m awake, woke up just really upset…it’s bad enough I have to struggle throughout the day, but now it’s following me into my dreams. I just can’t catch a break.
 
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noname223

Visionary
Aug 18, 2020
2,330
5. I am overthinking a lot. Thinking way too much about the girl in college. Always when I tell my friends my theories they tell me I am overthinking shit in a huge way. Yeah it sucks not being fully sane.
I am overthinking it really in an extreme way. I don't have any thoughts about her which are not overthinking. I had like a streak 3 days without addictive medication but yesterday I had to take it. I ruminated about her way too much and I layed in my bed wide awake for like 3 hours. Hope for me that I can sleep today without it. I just hope I don't become an addict this would fuck my life even way more.

The problem is not my current suicidality. Rather I am really unstable and if I get a new manic or psychotic episode I will kill myself. But I am just repeating myself over and over again.
 
Squiddy

Squiddy

Here Lies My Hopes And Dreams
Sep 4, 2019
5,849
7. Went down a little bit after taking a benzo and going to sleep. At work and they're doing a small lunch for the holiday here. My BPD is still somewhat attacking me, but not as bad as yesterday.