Apr 5, 2022
5. I am overthinking a lot. Thinking way too much about the girl in college. Always when I tell my friends my theories they tell me I am overthinking shit in a huge way. Yeah it sucks not being fully sane.
I am overthinking it really in an extreme way. I don't have any thoughts about her which are not overthinking. I had like a streak 3 days without addictive medication but yesterday I had to take it. I ruminated about her way too much and I layed in my bed wide awake for like 3 hours. Hope for me that I can sleep today without it. I just hope I don't become an addict this would fuck my life even way more.

The problem is not my current suicidality. Rather I am really unstable and if I get a new manic or psychotic episode I will kill myself. But I am just repeating myself over and over again

Today and yesterday I’ve been at around an 8 or 9. Extreme grief and stress have taken control of my mind.
Each time I cry I drink water to stabilize myself, been drinking a lot of water


Aug 18, 2020
4. Not much suicidal. I am rather fighting psychotic symptoms. Today is again addictive medication time. I am glad I have succedded to reduce it the last days. 4/5 days without it. Soon I will meet the girl who I am overthinking about again. I have so much thoughts about her it is insane. I had so many different theories and some were extremely contradicting. Though I often felt like this must be the truth. I try to be friendly to her. I try to stop ignoring her. (She seems to dislike that.) I rather doubt that the interpretation is true that she realized I am mentally ill. Seems unlikely to me. I think she could trigger me a lot. She already does. I doubt that normal friendship with her is possible for me. But maybe she wants that. I try to become agnostic and uncertain about it. Just acting normal.

This will be so fucking difficult for me. I am not good in hiding that I imagine more than friendship with her. I am such a hopeless case in relation to the topic love. This hurts me a lot.


May 24, 2022
1 is very low suicidality, 10 is very extreme acute suicidality. I miss the old thread (which is deleted) that is way I want to revive him.

My suicidal thoughts today are a 4. I have some distractions and responsibilities which prevent more of these thoughts.
I’m at a 6. Husband and son just left to work out of town for a week so……. It will go up. Always does when I’m left alone while what I call on the scale.
It increased to 6. I am overthinking my life extremely hard. I despise me. I feel ashamed. I am a fucking idiot.
I am currently in a very bad place. This is not good. Took half a lorazepam. Noone answers my thread where I describe how I am feeling.
I feel so ashamed...
My thoughts are racing...this is really hard to endure. But I think the lorazepam begins to work.
So sorry my friend but I feel ya. While I don’t feel ashamed I replace that with I’m no good to anyone and only a burden on my family. But we have to try… try for the ones we love even though they don’t have a clue what we are going through


Oct 28, 2020

I feel like an island in a sea of pro lifers- can’t talk to anyone- don’t have any real friends near me but one, and she is prolife.. my other friend is far away and he might be upset as i went awol off this site for a while and he hasn’t replied to my messages since i’ve been back and really that’s fair. I can understand why no one would really choose to involve themselves in my troubles-

so, 8.


Mar 9, 2022
7/8 today. Managed to distract myself from l the fallout of everything that's happened recently, but then it got harder as the day went on and I kept breaking down. Then I realized I have no friends to text or anyone to call, which made me even more upset.

Starting to get more serious about CBT. I’ve tried in the past, but this feels more real, and it’s been hard to accept. I have no idea what to do.


Agenda 2030 Sustainable Death
Jul 20, 2021
solid 9 today morning. I do not like to be around humans as the gangstalking and harrasment is still present. torturing their innocent fellow creatures is the ultimative goal in life for many. looking forward to leave this world hell.