8-9 right now. Highest yet but most confused. Would try cross tonight but is Fathers Day tomorrow - too many significant dates this time of year and very special ones too. I could keep fighting I think, but I just don’t want to anymore. Thinking of just wearing cord in bed tonight and if it tightens it is the right time.
Love and Light to you all x
9, maybe a bit above. Making plans/preparations (as much as I can manage), desperation is permeating my entire consciousness. Can't think about anything but ending it. Further straining the very few relationships I have.
6/10 for the boy. He has stopped playing Russian roulette but still feels the need to play in traffic at times and spouts vulgarities at the more troublesome citizens. This one stresses possibilities of arrest but to no avail. This one thinks the boy has no real plans and plays their mood day by day.
10- But now i’m not even crying like I usually do. The crushing feeling in the chest is still there but i’m not crying it’s weird I have never felt like this before.
I am leaving very soon in August! I wish the tears were here but now it feels so much closer.
5- I'm still planning. Slowly, I'm getting to the point where I have everything in order and i'll be ready to catch the bus. I just want to feel that feeling of relief and happiness when I'm on the bus almost at my stop.
It’s almost time to go. I spent the day crying over comments, I will never forgive them or forget what they said. They crushed my soul. They take it too far and I can’t handle it anymore I just want to feel better but it will never happen.
Around 7 right now. May be hitting 8. FOMO is really hitting my loneliness hard today. I’m separated from my friends for who knows how long. My family doesn’t feel like enough for me in life. All I wanna do is just sleep and escape into my dreams and just not wake up.
5. I am really stressed. I am scared to become manic or addicted to my emergency medication. I try to fight but I am so tired. I am only functioning and try not to ruminate about it too much. I just dedicate all my energy for recovery. There are good arguments that there is no sense in fighting on but I try to suppress these thoughs. I just act without thinking too much. I try to give me breaks. This is one thing I learned due to my past psychotic episodes. But it is likely that this is the last shot that I have. If I mess it up I probably have to ctb. The pressure is immense. I take a lot of medication to avoid a new manic episode. I think not many people could cope with all of this. I think most people would just give up. But I just can't do that. It is kind of pathological. I will fight on until it backfires. Then I am probably forced to ctb. But as long as there is tiny hope I still try to improve. Maybe I am a dreamer or naive. But I think one should fight in order to avoid suicide.
Btw gladfully due to this thread I was reminded to take one of my medication.
My suicidality is that low because I have so many responsibilties I think my therapist sees this as a benefit. I am not sure about. I am way more scared about a new mania or psychosis. The pain was so extreme the last two times. I can't survive another one.
Not much suicidal like 4. But really manic. The day was extremely stressful. Tuesdays are the worst. And I don't take addictive medication on Tuesdays. Maybe I should change my schedule. Last week I woke up very early in the morning. Wednesday morning like 3 am. and could not sleep anymore. I am scared this will repeat. It is really dangerous when that happens. Last week I ignored it. But Thursday is my benzo/Z-medication mix again. It is really difficult not to become an addict. But I think I am doing this quite well. I always only take the lowest dosage and I give me breaks.
Honestly if I did not have these addictive medication I would have immediately to stop college.
It is insane how much performance pressure is triggering me. Fuck child abuse.
I'll rate it a 10.
It's all so terrible. My anxiety and depression are destroying me. I feel like everything around me is covered in a thick dark fog. I feel broken.
I really wish I could ctb. I already have everything, from the plan to the requirements, except for the SN itself (classic bad luck). This is literally why I'm still here.
(I'm really sorry for venting and for my bad English)