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outatime_85

Specialist
May 17, 2022
300
The needle has been pegged at 10 most of my life.

Some days I find ways to get it down to a 4 or less, but that is rare. That is when I am highly distracted and have no time to think about all the things I did and all that I allowed to happen to me.

Today I am at a manageable 8, but I have to pay close attention to my mood more now since the means for self-deletion are available to me.
 
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noname223

Visionary
Aug 18, 2020
2,573
Feeling really manic currently. I am really anixous to relapse.
The scary thing normally my emergency medication Z-medication and benzo (both half a pill) are very good downers. But on monday they did not work fully.

I took them this evening again. I hope they work better this time. Damn my life is so insane. My therapist sessions end very soon. It would be quite a cynical joke to end with a manic episode which would destroy every little progress we have done so far.
My life is very cynical and I am normally the butt of the joke. I really expect very horrible things to happen in my life. It is really hard to avod a catastrophe. I sometimes have the feeling it is impossible. No matter what I do I have the feeling it mostly backfires in the end.

Suicidality like 4. But far more manic.
 
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self.destractive

self.destractive

ick/icks, they/them
Dec 11, 2020
85
we are sitting at an eight today. genuinely was considering taking my SN tomorrow now that Ive done the blood test and know its legit. i need to stick around and get things in order though. i also need to get anti-emetics.
just going to play more vidya games to try to bide my time
 
Euthanza

Euthanza

Self Righteous Suicide
Jun 9, 2022
604
9-10 most of the time. On a busy day it can go as low as 8 but it is there and I won't change my mind.

On the other thread I said I'm willing to give life another decade for 1 million dollar (surely it won't happen though, very little to no chance) but in the end I still want to CTB.
 
DefyingGravity

DefyingGravity

Just an exhausted guy in his 20's
Apr 29, 2021
15
Around 6? 6.5 maybe. SI's too strong and my mind can't comprehend not existing forever yet. 1000 years and then I'll wake up? Sure. 2000, 3000? Why not but dead forever seems like a lot of time. Idk if I'm ready for that yet.
 
ImsooDone1N

ImsooDone1N

Arcanist
Nov 22, 2018
609
8.65/10.00 (Bad) - I still wanna die VERY much, but I feel slightly better than yesterday. I'm very anxious for next week to have to see a new counselor, (who I feel may be biased), though still has the potential to either be neutral or absolutely destroy my shitty existence & 100% drive me to ctb... bad drug counselor's can destroy patients, pushing them over the edge. Its not like she can know my feelings about suicide and such, so she would have no idea just how much of a 'risk' I'm at. But maybe I need that push.
 
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MentalPollution

MentalPollution

Stuck on this world with no way out
Jun 26, 2022
20
Today it’s a 10. I feel like I’ve been emptied of organs and soul. I’m suffering more and I also found out that due to a disease I’m going to lose my memory. Either I ctb or forget about myself completely. I’ll attempt partial later just to see if I can pull it off when I’ll ctb. My SN should arrive soon, but it’s important to have a backup method just in case something goes wrong. Thanks for reading whoever did
 
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noname223

Visionary
Aug 18, 2020
2,573
5.
The pressure is crushing me. I am scared. I need addictive medication to cope. Normally I only take half a pill but yesterday this was not enough. I took a whole one. I am anxious to get addicted. Normally this is how addiction starts. Today I try not to take somethings addictive but I think this could make me very manic.
I try to pressure me less. I will study tomorrow but in a slow way.

Honestly all my options are horrible. This is a good title for my biography.
 
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