Lullaby

Lullaby

🌙
Mar 9, 2022
448
8, which is kind of disappointing.

I was doing okay yesterday, then when I got to the event, I was surrounded my families and couples. It just really sunk in that I was there alone, on my birthday and it made me sad that I couldn’t share such an important night with anyone else.

The couple next to me asked if I was there by myself and I told them and that it was also my birthday. I almost wish I hadn’t because I could tell they felt super bad for me. They ended up randomly buying me a drink later on and that was sweet of them.

Even though it was such a fun night, I felt like crying on my way home. I just feel really sad.

28, now and I’m just finally settled on the fact that I want to die. No ifs or maybes anymore, this is what I want. I’m done fantasizing about stuff that’ll never happen. I’m done trying to make friends or find a relationship. I’m over struggling just to make a living.

I’m sticking out for my cat because no one else would take care of him and I refuse to give up. I’ll do what I can to survive until that happens, but mentally I’m done.

I don’t want this anymore, it’s gone on for too long. Hoping I can officially check out within the next two years.
 
Hirokami

Hirokami

What if it were all just a dream?
Feb 21, 2021
389
8. I failed the "Hiro stop being a fuck up for five minutes challenge" yet again.
 
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noname223

Visionary
Aug 18, 2020
2,573
5. Extreme pressure, extreme anxiety. Too distracted for more suicidal thoughts. Listening to some sad Lil Peep and Juice WRLD music.
Took a half benzo. And I think I will also take the other half.
Fuck my life.
 
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ImsooDone1N

ImsooDone1N

Arcanist
Nov 22, 2018
609
I said I was Feeling Horrible One week ago today on 22/07. I said it was the end of a horrible week, which it was.
Today I'm still feeling Shit and would love to ctb and be euthanized, I'm at a 7.50/10.00 today. So lil bit better, mainly because I pushed myself to get things done. I would rather stay in bed, but then I would starve, not have my meds or any thing in the house, eventually lose home because Rent would not get paid if wasn't not working, wouldn't be able to have my cats, etc. So as much as I hate this world I'm proud I can make certain sacrifices- esp. to have things I want (i.e.; my kitties)
 
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noname223

Visionary
Aug 18, 2020
2,573
6. Full of sorrows, I worry extremely, very high anxiety. More suicidal thoughts. I want to give up. I am sick of fighting...I am so sad. So anxious. I hate myself. I feel so worthless. I hope this feeling gets a little bit better soon.
 
*Psyche*

*Psyche*

Someday, I hope to see you in the light.
Dec 10, 2021
56
Yesterday... I think it was yesterday... was 10 for me. But instead of attempting, I took a whole bunch of stuff to help me sleep. Now here I am 24+ hours later feeling hungover & I still want to die. So, maybe an 8 right now, in that I still want to go, but would honestly just rather go back to sleep. Unfortunately, can't do that either. Have to go do stuff. <sigh>
 
KQuotientW

KQuotientW

Blargh... I'm done. Just can't anymore.
Jul 17, 2022
123
13 (not a typo). Was going to CTB tonight but some people unexpectedly visited. Too tired now to set up the charcoal and BBQ. Will lock my property gate (I'm in the bush) tomorrow and pretend I'm not home in case anyone else arrives. Thankfully, they didn't notice the multiple bags of charcoal. For a rural region, no one has questioned why I've been to 2 supermarkets, buying so much charcoal, lol.
 
ImsooDone1N

ImsooDone1N

Arcanist
Nov 22, 2018
609
8.90/10.00 -Up from 7.50/10 24h ago. That's not good or in any way ideal. Hope I can put the brakes on this.
 
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sad jester

sad jester

Member
Jul 29, 2022
6
At this current moment, 10. If there was some magical being that came to me right now and propose to Thanos snap my life away, I wouldn't hesitate to take the offer in the slightest.

My thoughts never really fall below like a 5 though. At best they are there, I'm just too distracted by life to be thinking them, but when life starts to suck, which happens quite often, my thoughts always come rushing back.
 
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noname223

Visionary
Aug 18, 2020
2,573
6,5 So fucking anxious. Wrote a thread about it. I am so fucking anxious. I hope I don't get a panic attack again. The last times they happened like 3-5 a.m.

Really grateful for having this fourm as a valve. This pressure is inhuman. My life is hell.
 
Maravillosa

Maravillosa

Mistress of all she surveys
Sep 7, 2018
652
Still 5. My suicide fantasies are wistful. I look forward to ctb as much as I look forward to the ultimate publication of my novel — but I am nowhere near ready to ctb while my novel is unfinished and my mother is still alive.
 
L

LoMVLk

Member
May 23, 2022
23
These lasts months it's been anywhere between a 3 and a 5.
Today I hit 8 and finally ordered SN and antiemetics and wrote my suicide note.
Now I'll just have to wait a few weeks for everything to arrive.
 
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noname223

Visionary
Aug 18, 2020
2,573
More manic and less suicidal. Suicidal thoughts only a 3. Phoned with my best friends several hours. We played video games together.
Though I currently change my medication and I get more manic symptoms. It is kind of dangerous but I am tired to live with the side effects. Not sure if stopping taking it will succed. I curently take 3 different medication and I want to reduce it to 2.
 
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noname223

Visionary
Aug 18, 2020
2,573
I had a lot of stress today. I thought I could relax but no. I have a lot of new responsibilites. Some appoinments are now way earlier. Fuck that: I am changing my medication I should avoid too much stress. But no. I have new obligation. I am invited to 2 parties. Maybe at the same date. I like both guys. But my best friends invited me earlier.

Suicidal thoughts maybe a 4. I am kind of stressed. And I have more pressure now.
 
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GasMonkey

GasMonkey

SCBA Master Race
May 15, 2022
68
Literal 10 every time I see a beautiful girl; a virgin thing I guess. 😆
 
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