nopride86

nopride86

Member
Mar 16, 2022
81
Still at a steady 8 overall but in my mind and my chest it feels like a 9.7, if only this anxiety could stop my heart completely.

I really fucked up and I keep making everything worse. I’m fighting the urge to purchase SN, to keep it in a cabinet for days like this. Maybe I can just stare it down until I break one way or the other. But I’m also really scared of having it on hand because of impulsivity (and subsequent failure). And if I do have it, then I’ll need to test it, compounding anxiety.

So much irony in the cruel world - ready to die but paralyzed by the idea of pain from a small cut.
 
Dead Ghost

Dead Ghost

Mestre del Temps
May 6, 2022
538
5/10

The problem is that I know I have a countdown going on that is only seen in spurts...let's see if I make it to next year, I have a bad feeling about it.
//
El problema es que se que tinc un compte enrera en marxa que només se veure a estones... a veure si arribo a l'any que ve, tinc una mala sensació al respecte.
 
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N

noname223

Visionary
Aug 18, 2020
2,750
6. My problem currently is not suicidal thoughts but today was a very bad day. I had so many appoinments and a lot of stress. Working for college is so exhaustive.
Appoinment with therapist. Managing some documents etc.

Then my mom treated me as I would do simply nothing. When she is stressed she always blames it on her children. In my childhood very violently at least this changed.

My dad wanted me to meet me. I had no energy. Then my mom was even more angry because I was about to meet him. I did not really wanted to meet him but we had to talk about some documents etc.
I had an argument with my mom.

I expect her boyfriend insults me soon again. I have blocked his phone since the last time. But there are ways to circumvent that. Fuck him.
 
raskol1980

raskol1980

Member
Aug 16, 2022
11
9 probably. I’ve been planning my exit everyday for a few months now.

Today I did something that made me feel horrible and something I keep doing to myself. Not sure if I’m trying to punish myself but it makes me feel sick when I do it (mostly).

Just got my SS account accepted though so that’s a plus, I think….

Maybe an 8 then
 
Lullaby

Lullaby

🌙
Mar 9, 2022
510
I'm a 7, but it's been a 9 for most of this week. Same stuff, like always. I have some downtime, but my reality always comes crashing back hard. I just want the pain to go away, and I wish things were as good as they were a couple of months ago. Even though everyone and everything around me turned out to be fake in the end, I finally felt some happiness. I miss that feeling.
 
M

Misswannadie

Member
Aug 15, 2022
11
1 is very low suicidality, 10 is very extreme acute suicidality. I miss the old thread (which is deleted) that is way I want to revive him.

My suicidal thoughts today are a 4. I have some distractions and responsibilities which prevent more of these thoughts.
💯 I think about suicide every now and then for the past few months. I imagine my death and every single detail about how I would commit suicide and it is kinda the only thought that keeps me going for now
 
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Inkling

Inkling

Member
Mar 10, 2021
27
I generally think about dying every day, usually with a lot of suffering, I don't know if that would put me at a 10 though, because I'm settled on a method, and that method only crosses my mind every few days, it's more about day dreaming of suffering, 8 I suppose?
 
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notlongnow

notlongnow

Student
Aug 16, 2022
138
8 today.

So bad I thought of ways in which I could achieve in the coming days but everything I need for my peaceful exit are not obtainable.

I'm contemplating OD'ing on Heroin.
 
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Q

QuietEnd

Doing the work
Jul 8, 2022
81
10.5/10

Been scammed for (legal) parts not sent and been waiting 6 weeks for these to supposedly be delivered. 6 weeks of extra agony. Now my whole plan has failed and no money to buy replacements from a different source.

Might have to consider a much more painful technique like drowning in my car.
 
N

noname223

Visionary
Aug 18, 2020
2,750
Very very manic. Ignored some warning signs. I woke up the last 5 days at 5 am this is very dangerous. I am doing too much for college. I stress myself why too much. I think it will soon backfire. I think a new psychosis is coming in the next 6 months. I know some next courses and I will never be able to cope with them. Compared to my last courses the last ones were a complete and utter joke.
If I had to bet I would clearly for new psychosis.
I try to outsmart my OCD behavior and perfectionism. But I am pretty sure I cannot cope with what will come next. This is my last chance to get a job. I had so many failures. I get older and older. I feel kind of ashamed to be in the same courses than these teens.

But when I get a new psychosis and have to kill myself all of this won't matter anymore. It is a luxury problem. Not sure if this term is known I rather doubt it. I want to say this being embarrassed because I am older than them is rather a minor problem. Living on the street in the future. This is compared a way bigger fear of mine.

My sleep rhythm is pretty fucked. I underestimated it. Without my therapist it is harder for me to take breaks and to assess how strong mania is. This forum helps. But usually I realize it when I talk to another person. In my mind I often don't recognize it. But sometimes I really have logorrhea and depending on how bad it is I know how strong my chemical imbalance is.

Honestly I think my thoughts are often racing. I think currently it is quite insane. It is a clear warning sign for mania.

My solution I take some addicitve medication. Maybe I should take a break instead. But I am currently quite productive and a break would prolong everything even more. I have made some progress today. I am really glad about that. I don't want to take a break now. I will give me a break when it is over.

Took a half benzo this evening. Feeling a little bit relaxed. Then I will take half a z-medication. Both together are very effective for me. With them I can relax a lot. They saved my ass a thousand times. And I am still pretty good in avoiding addiction.

Sometimes I misuse this thread as rating my mania sorry. Mania is like a 5 which is pretty high. Suicidal thoughts are a 3.
 
Krieger

Krieger

yeah
Apr 16, 2022
68
They're there constantly but are manageable. I still want to kill myself in the next few years ofc.
 
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C

Cowgirl2000

Member
Aug 21, 2022
27
6 at the moment, because I have found a wonderful person here on the forum. Still want to ctb, but there's no hurry right now
 
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Hangnail

Hangnail

Member
Jul 14, 2022
81
Every morning that I wake up. Most of the morning and night. Sometimes during the day. I wonder why I'm still doing "what I'm supposed to do" and why I'm even alive.
 
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