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InsidiousDormouse

Member
Jul 3, 2018
79
I seem to be invisible to my husband, who is totally unaware of what is going on with me.

My dog opened the cupboard where all my 'stuff' is yesterday as she's been opening the kitchen cupboards since she killed a rat the other day on the garden, and he tied the broken door back on without even acknowledging the helium tank box and the plastic tubes in there.

What I want to know is how badly my decision will effect him and his ability to live out the rest of his life without having to worry about me.

He's trying to set up an online business and so far nobody's interested in buying from it. Probably because I had input in setting it up, everything I touch goes to shit.

I am sorry to him for this, he'll never know how sorry I am for fucking up what could have been something really good. I just don't want to leave him on his own with nothing, he lost his job via ill health, I want his business to work so he at least has a future, even if it is without me.

I don't have a future, I am too unwell, my body is too unwell, I'm very tired, I have had enough of living with all these symptoms day in day out, he has a chance though, he can still do something with his life.

I'm trying to get myself into a mindset that will make it easier to actually do this when the time comes, and the other day I sat down, closed my eyes and said to myself 'this is it, you're doing it now' and the first thought that came into my head was him, someone who I love very much but there is a darker side.

He was there in the room when I was refused medical treatment and forced into a cold turkey from a huge dose of benzos. He never said anything, he never stood up for me, he had no idea that what was going on could very well kill me, but sadly rather than me just having a massive seizure and dying, it's taken two years to kill me.

Then again he is not computer savvy like me, he would not have thought about researching the dangers of going cold turkey from benzos, he simply was not equipped to deal with people who thought they knew best and only wanted to cover their own asses.

I hope my death sends a shockwave through that wretched 'drug treatment service provider' profit driven company, who I will name before I go and implicate in this somehow.

I just want to make it very difficult for them to sweep me under the carpet with all the other people who's lives they have destroyed. I want to forever be a sharp thorn in their sides. If they reviewed their policy for dealing with benzo users then my job would be done.

I wonder, if I do things right, if what happens to me could help stop it happening again to someone else.

I'm not making a date, I will just get up one morning and decide the time is here, it's ok for me to go now.

I don't know when this will be, I've still got to make sure I have my method right.

I'll post here just before x
 
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Sternum

Student
May 12, 2018
121
I seem to be invisible to my husband, who is totally unaware of what is going on with me.

My dog opened the cupboard where all my 'stuff' is yesterday as she's been opening the kitchen cupboards since she killed a rat the other day on the garden, and he tied the broken door back on without even acknowledging the helium tank box and the plastic tubes in there.

What I want to know is how badly my decision will effect him and his ability to live out the rest of his life without having to worry about me.

He's trying to set up an online business and so far nobody's interested in buying from it. Probably because I had input in setting it up, everything I touch goes to shit.

I am sorry to him for this, he'll never know how sorry I am for fucking up what could have been something really good. I just don't want to leave him on his own with nothing, he lost his job via ill health, I want his business to work so he at least has a future, even if it is without me.

I don't have a future, I am too unwell, my body is too unwell, I'm very tired, I have had enough of living with all these symptoms day in day out, he has a chance though, he can still do something with his life.

I'm trying to get myself into a mindset that will make it easier to actually do this when the time comes, and the other day I sat down, closed my eyes and said to myself 'this is it, you're doing it now' and the first thought that came into my head was him, someone who I love very much but there is a darker side.

He was there in the room when I was refused medical treatment and forced into a cold turkey from a huge dose of benzos. He never said anything, he never stood up for me, he had no idea that what was going on could very well kill me, but sadly rather than me just having a massive seizure and dying, it's taken two years to kill me.

Then again he is not computer savvy like me, he would not have thought about researching the dangers of going cold turkey from benzos, he simply was not equipped to deal with people who thought they knew best and only wanted to cover their own asses.

I hope my death sends a shockwave through that wretched 'drug treatment service provider' profit driven company, who I will name before I go and implicate in this somehow.

I just want to make it very difficult for them to sweep me under the carpet with all the other people who's lives they have destroyed. I want to forever be a sharp thorn in their sides. If they reviewed their policy for dealing with benzo users then my job would be done.

I wonder, if I do things right, if what happens to me could help stop it happening again to someone else.

I'm not making a date, I will just get up one morning and decide the time is here, it's ok for me to go now.

I don't know when this will be, I've still got to make sure I have my method right.

I'll post here just before x

Repercussions for the drug company will not happen, I guarantee. But I hope you are able to find a way to ease your mind about leaving your husband. It would be very good if we can all get into a good place before going.
 
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InsidiousDormouse

Member
Jul 3, 2018
79
Maybe not repercussions in a legal sense, but those people involved will have to carry it with them personally for as long as they live. That they have no choice about. It has been raised before between me and another organisation I contacted a few months ago about bringing them to account for it though, but sadly I do not have the energy, mental or physical, anymore for such an undertaking.

When I say drug company I do not mean a drug manufacturer, I mean a private 'charity' paid for by taxpayers to basically throw people off substitute prescriptions, some people have been stable for years and now they're being asked to come off, very quickly.

You should see the state of some of their clients in this town. I have to go and collect my Subutex script every Tuesday morning and we see them all over town, it's like a scene from the Walking Dead, zombies everywhere, they're leaning over in the streets, moaning, slumped in shop doorways and telephone boxes, because they've all taken Mamba, aka Spice, the synthetic cannibanoid that's been all over the news lately.

Now if I did that, if I took one puff of spice, they'd crucify me. Someone said it is because they've 'given up' on those people, well why not give up on me like I've been asking them to do for years?.

They've done everything imaginable, treated us both like utter shit. On some occasions, I would mention in conversation that me and my husband had argued about my addiction, because he did not know how to deal with it, so you want to know what they did? They put in my personal file, that NHS staff have access too (this private sector organisation is NOT the NHS) that my husband was 'violent' and posed a physical risk to me and their staff. It's endless, the damage they have done to my life, tarnished the good names of my family, people they have never even met have been accused of all sorts. This also lead to doctors at our surgery constantly asking me if I was 'at risk' and offering to contact various domestic violence shelters etc, I went in for something totally non related and they'd ask this.

Because I am an ugly pig, they said my mum must have consumed alcohol while she was pregnant with me because the piece of skin above my top lip was too small.

I think you get the picture.

I am certain that if those people had never crossed paths with me, I would not be here on this site right now posting this stuff. I can withstand hardship, I know I am nothing special on the universe's grand scale of things, I am insignificant, as humans, we all are. Bad things are meant to happen to us just like good ones are, but Benzo withdrawal is not a bad thing or a hardship, in cases like mine, it's akin to a terminal illness.

I do not know a human alive today who is equipped to endure such a thing happening to them. Anyone who says they could endure it has absolutely no idea at all.

Do I actually WANT to go out this way? Not really, but it is much preferable to keeping on living like this. I accept it, you have to accept the cards you're given and these are mine and this is the only way I can play them now.
 
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InsidiousDormouse

Member
Jul 3, 2018
79
The sudden withdrawal has increased the anxiety from my Asperger's Syndrome to a level I can no longer withstand it. The strategies I had in place before no longer work as they cannot override the severity of the anxiety from the withdrawal on top.

This is the main reason for my decision, I am very tired of worrying about every single thing, what letters I will get today (I have a severe anxiety about receiving bad news in the post, I am currently waiting for my pap smear test results this way and I have been unable to get out of bed some days and face the day because of this, I do NOT want to endure ANY MORE fucking medical treatments, I am DONE. I think if that came back abnormal I would just bring my plans forward).

I am trying to help my husband get his website shop working for him before I go, but this may not happen if I get that letter telling me there is another thing gone wrong with my body.
 
C

creatureoflight

Mage
Jul 27, 2018
531
If you are so worried about leaving him here then probably suicide is not a good option for you.
What exactly do you suffer from healthwise?