jamie_

jamie_

emotionally abused and paralysed by a narcissist
May 21, 2022
148
I mean no offence but it terrifies me when I see some accounts coming up to 3/4 years on this website because I can totally see myself becoming one. it seems so depressing that i could be on here so long doing nothing with my life but writing long winded posts in pain, embarrassing almost. i truly pray i get the courage from somewhere to ctb soon
 
Brick In The Wall

Brick In The Wall

2M Or Not 2B.
Oct 30, 2019
24,994
I mean no offence but it terrifies me when I see some accounts coming up to 3/4 years on this website because I can totally see myself becoming one. it seems so depressing that i could be on here so long doing nothing with my life but writing long winded posts in pain, embarrassing almost. i truly pray i get the courage from somewhere to ctb soon

I've been here for a minute and all I can say is.. life can be funny like that.
 
FlaxFlower

FlaxFlower

Cheeto tiger
May 19, 2021
11
I think for many it's mostly just nice to have a safe space to speak about suicidal thoughts/ideation and hear from like-minded people. I'm certainly not happy anyone else feels this way, but there's an odd comfort knowing that others do feel similarly and you're not the only one experiencing this strange agony. I imagine a lot of folks might never ctb because they have friends or family who would be too heartbroken to see them go. So while we stick around there needs to be a place to grieve that's not alone.

But I understand where you're coming from. The thought of feeling this way for another week, few years, a lifetime is also equally as terrifying. And we must continue to find new and strange ways to cope until we can ctb.
 
S

Smart No More

Visionary
May 5, 2021
2,075
I think it's a bit similar to the way having a method to hand makes it easier to go on a bit longer.


Also, your correlation between others timeline and your own isn't very objective because there are too many variables. I get that it scares you to think you may not find the courage but that doesn't mean those here for years don't have courage or are somehow pathetic. That's just a reflection of your opinion of yourself. Everyone is different and has different circumstances. Some of us are pathetic. Some of us aren't. The fact we're here and the period of time we're members here has little bearing on that.

It's not like the clock starts ticking once you get your account approved.


I get your fear, don't get me wrong. I sympathise with you. I don't think it's apt to project that onto others though. It's this kind of rhetoric that gets conveniently misinterpreted by Karens and quoted as encouragement or bullying/pressuring. I know that's not your intent at all. But you can see how it might be misconstrued by a fragile mind right? Because it inadvertently brings into question people's time here and they might question whether they are pathetic and maybe they feel actually it is about time now you bought it up. You know?

Again, I get your fears. It just feels a little insensitively worded I guess.
 
L

LoveTakesManyForms

Student
Sep 9, 2021
174
There's nothing embarrassing about it, in my view. In fact, I have a good deal of respect for those who stare into the abyss, especially if having done so for years.
So many of you have survived things normies have only heard of in their nightmares.
I get the fear though. Even an hour is a hell of a long time when you're in that place. But years? Seems impossibly hard.
I myself thought it would all be over by now for me. Hey, there's always tomorrow (maybe).

One of my fears is that I will become so overtaken by pain that I won't be able to facilitate a decent suicide and will simply yeet myself off a building or something in desperation.
I want you all to know that your struggles are one of the only things left that puts a fire under me. I want to do my part to help where I can, even if it's just chatting.
Hell, I feel like getting some cash together so that I can finance trips to Dignitas for those unfortunate enough to be unable to help themselves out of their situation.
Nobody should have to live in such despair against their wishes. When someone is suicidal for years then finally dies by the knife or noose, we've failed as brothers and sisters. We've failed as a society. I've failed enough in life as it is.
 
B

befree

free choice
Mar 22, 2022
1,006
Not all long time users are afraid of CTB. Many are waiting for the right time to CTB, didn´t find the right method yet, hope for a lucky turn, waiting to get approved by an VAD association or don´t get the required equipment for their method.
 
N

noname223

Visionary
Aug 18, 2020
2,515
I think there is no problem to stay a long time members without committing suicide. There absolutely is no pressure to act on it. There is nothing bad at being ambivalent about the decision. If one is not sure what to do it might be good to wait before acting on it. The decision is in some cases irreversible.

I also asked myself what it means being a longterm member in this forum in another thread. I am constantly trying to find a solution for my problems. The likelihood to succeed is quite low. Though I have not given up. I am often quite frustrated because my life is so exhaustive and tiring. This place is good to vent, not feeling as the only one who hates his life and I can be more open than in other places.

I use this forum as a valve. I think my mood is not constantly the same. It is important to observe that sometimes days can be easier to cope with. Then we try to improve in this direction. To get more days that are more comfortable.

I think writing my feelings and thoughts is kind of relieving and therapeutical.

I don't think we should consider threads embarrassing when they are full of pain. It is no shame to cling to life.
 
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Pluto

Pluto

Meowing to go out
Dec 27, 2020
1,304
In your case, it may be best to use this website for what it is best at - a tool for accessing a community that understands suicidal levels of pain in times of distress.

The problem with making this place into a lifestyle is that the gestures of affection, the atmosphere of understanding and the sharing of life experience can be counterbalanced with the darkness of being immersed in an underworld of endless sorrow.

My advice is to decisively attempt recovery if you are expecting to hang around on this planet long-term. We have our time and our energy to work with, and these need to be used very wisely. The notion of ageing in a neglected, bitter state is a very legitimate fear and it takes serious effort to steer the ship away from that. Of course, the option to CTB is always there if need be, but there's no middle ground and the most important thing is averting suffering as much as possible at every stage.

A recovery process will tend to have highs and lows, and in the latter case it will be of value to not be alone in those moments. The rest of the time, it may be best to keep a distance unless you genuinely enjoy trying to support others and are not dragged down by it.
 
WhatDoeTheFoxSay?

WhatDoeTheFoxSay?

DoNotBoopTheSnoot
Dec 25, 2020
913
Living longer than intended. Not part of the plan at all...

As much as I would like to take my leave, I am still waiting for that proverbial last straw. Half a decade has passed since I fell ill, and while I am by no means looking through rose-tinted glasses, I can say that I have experienced my fair share of good moments. As such, I think that I would be unfair for me to tar my life, or life in general, with the same brush. As much as I hate to admit it, I am slowly coming to accept life as it is—the good, the bad and the ugly. 'Recovery', if you will.

I have made attempts on my life long before I joined this community. Notwithstanding the lack of a reliable method, I would have succeeded through sheer impulse alone. I have come to realise however, that the finality of suicide is not to be taken lightly. While I can't speak for others, I would prefer to leave 'with no strings attached'.
 
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Lost Magic

Lost Magic

Visionary
May 5, 2020
2,333
You shouldn't be focusing on how long a person has been here. Some people have suicidal ideation all their lives but never go through with it. Some do. Everybody is different and their lives are different. Personally, this forum has given me great understanding and method knowledge. I now have a peaceful way out. I can go whenever I want. But I would hope to be gone less than a year. I do understand how tiring all this is sometimes. You just fight as long as you can, until you can't no more. ✌️
 
FuneralCry

FuneralCry

Wish that I was gone.
Sep 24, 2020
13,305
I wish that I had the courage to leave, I feel like I have existed for too long and it is horrifying, the thought of being alive for many more years. I understand how you feel. Posting about wanting to die achieves nothing. I wish that euthanasia was legalised for us all and then this website would not even need to exist in the first place.

It is terrible that people have to do research about ctb on the internet, in an ideal world there would be no such thing as suicide websites, everyone who wants to leave would have the option right there for them and nobody would have to worry about the fear of failure. It is cruel forcing people to exist and trying to trap them in miserable lives until they die of old age.
 
whatevs

whatevs

Mining for copium in the weirdest places.
Jan 15, 2022
2,251
Lmao, this one was intense. Well played, OP, well played. Up close and personal. This is why I like the forum, those that consider dying have no reason to pretend or leave things unsaid.

However, what about a different type of fear? What if some long term users or lurkers get off from observing suicide at a close distance, and that's why they don't die nor leave? 🕵️‍♂️

Obviously, for many long term members the site is a consoling machine, and if it helps us cope I don't think that's so undesirable. Nor it is "embarrassing" in the slightest.
 
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whitefeather

whitefeather

Thank the gods for Death
Apr 23, 2020
343
I mean no offence but it terrifies me when I see some accounts coming up to 3/4 years on this website because I can totally see myself becoming one. it seems so depressing that i could be on here so long doing nothing with my life but writing long winded posts in pain, embarrassing almost. i truly pray i get the courage from somewhere to ctb soon
Time/Reality is Multi-Dimensional . Biological time is just a tiny aspect of Time .
 
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Niko66

Niko66

Specialist
Dec 6, 2021
348
I guess I could be called almost a long time user relative to the concurrent users at this point... I am trying, I mainly wanted to know how to kill myself reliably and "safely" for coming to this place at all at first. I stayed for some drama, then for some social media aspects of this. Like minded people as has been said.

Idk I will feel self conscious posting here after years, might even make a new account, but I expect to be alive for at least 2-5 years still. And while it means I am still miserable, we aren't all just twiddling our thumbs waiting for death even if we wanted to die 2 months or 5 years ago and haven't. I want anything but just being passively miserable all the while. Even if that's all I can do sometimes.

This place gave me the tools to die and have it as a choice not just dream and that is what I wanted to have. Anything else I have stayed here has been purely on a whim, because I want to post sometimes or read people struggling like me in ways, this is a crazy place sometimes, we are all mostly in terrible places in life, but this is also one of the most lucid places on the internet. And sometimes one of the most compassionate ones. Lots of extremes you could say. I like that. I hate the dull painful indifference of the "world that makes sense" out there.
 
X

x_riverrock11

Enlightened
Jan 24, 2021
1,734
The vast majority of people who visit here will never go through with it even if they read about all the techniques. That’s probably a good thing with suicide being an irreversible decision.
 
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akana

akana

being normal is torture
Mar 21, 2022
116
I think people on here are taking this too verbatim lol, not sure if that's the word. I think I get where OP is coming from he's going through hell right now

And no, its not normal nor fair to feel that way for such a prolonged period of time. It's fucking hard. OP is there anyone else you talk to right now? Anything keeping you going or keeping you busy?
 
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jamie_

jamie_

emotionally abused and paralysed by a narcissist
May 21, 2022
148
OP is there anyone else you talk to right now? Anything keeping you going or keeping you busy?
Only thing keeping me busy is exhaustion and sleep, only person my brain wants to talk to is itself.
 
lofticries

lofticries

obedear
Feb 27, 2021
1,284
I think this place keeps me sane in a way. Not to mention makes me aware of methods that can fail terribly.

Anyway I don't see a problem with someone using this place to vent for as long as they need to. It's not hurting anyone. Maybe they'd be in a worse place without.
 
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Soulless Angel

Soulless Angel

Did someone say Rum?
Jul 6, 2020
1,129
I've been here for a minute and all I can say is.. life can be funny like that.


Seth Meyers Greetings GIF by Late Night with Seth Meyers
 
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Deadhead Frank

Deadhead Frank

It’s Over!
Aug 29, 2019
1,075
Try not to be scared but I know what you mean Jamie and can feel you pain. This life can be so exhausting and it does get super weird living with long term suffering everyday. It’s a very isolated and strange way to exist. At the end of the day we only have 2 choices. Live out life‘s misery until the end or Ctb.

As far as SS goes I don’t think it matters if someone is here for life or a week. There are all different types of situations and suicidal people. It doesn’t mean your a loser if your here long term. Things happen out of our control and life just is.

SS is a great place to vent, and connect with other like minded people. Plus there is a ton of great info on here. I hope SS will last forever!
 
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L I F E T O L O S E

L I F E T O L O S E

only you can stop the evil
Sep 18, 2020
400
I only come here when I feel very unhappy.
I like to read about other people, it seems to make me think I'm not so screwed.
 
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Insomniac

Insomniac

𝔄 𝔲 𝔱 𝔦 𝔰 𝔪
May 21, 2021
1,239
ngl you had me with this title lol
 
summers

summers

Visionary
Nov 4, 2020
2,293
I mean no offence but it terrifies me when I see some accounts coming up to 3/4 years on this website because I can totally see myself becoming one. it seems so depressing that i could be on here so long doing nothing with my life but writing long winded posts in pain, embarrassing almost. i truly pray i get the courage from somewhere to ctb soon
Why do you assume that someone on this website for a couple years has done nothing with their lives?

There was literally someone on here who became a medical doctor.
 
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jamie_

jamie_

emotionally abused and paralysed by a narcissist
May 21, 2022
148
Why do you assume that someone on this website for a couple years has done nothing with their lives?

There was literally someone on here who became a medical doctor.
i have not assumed such thing
 
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