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ncmxm

ncmxm

Student
Jun 9, 2021
182
Title. I know the #1 advice is "don't compare yourself to other people", but it's difficult to follow because even if I close my eyes and don't compare myself to anyone the problem will still stay, I still will never be as good as those people so it feels like it's just lying and copium

Is there any other way? Or I just keep trying to not compare myself to anyone?

I'm making this thread because today I was actually feeling a bit better than usual, then I saw a person like that and I went from feeling a bit better than usual to considering ctb again lol
 
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jodes2

jodes2

I'm pro CHOICE. Don't start on me. PLEASE
Aug 28, 2022
3,656
I isolate myself like I've been doing for 20 years. I'm so far removed from those kinds of triggers. It helps, not that it's a healthy way of coping. Although, now that I have a gf, I'm not too fussed about attractive people. I kind of hate rich people though, with all their shameless extravagance. But in reality I don't need much money. I don't go out. So that helps too
 
gomenasai

gomenasai

Student
Sep 30, 2022
154
That's what happens when you believe some people have more worth than others and not seeing them as equals. Successful and rich and attractive means just that. Successful, rich and attractive, but obviously you think they're better than you, otherwise you wouldn't feel this way. Work on your belief system. By the way, I know it's incredibly hard and could take you a lifetime, but it's the only correct way. I'm not saying it's easy. And your feelings are understandable. But if you want to surpass them, you really need to work on them. Hugs to you 🤗
 
W

wishyouwell

Member
Nov 12, 2022
8
I hear you, and I've struggled with comparison and the romanticization of other people's lives for a long time. Your feelings are valid and so many people feel this way


But it just isn't real, it's a fantasy. Just a couple of minutes ago I was reading an article about Christina Applegate (an actor) and her MS diagnosis. In her 20s she was super fit, beautiful, rich, famous, etc. She still ended up being divorced. She still got breast cancer and MS, she's gained hella weight and she's pissed about it all. But she loves her kids and her friends and family, and loves being in their lives. Even if none of this happened, that doesn't mean someone's life is perfect. Or maybe it's actually really great. Good for them! There are so many regular looking, average salary people who are loved, who enjoy life but still have tough times or terrible times. There are stereotypically attractive people who are depressed, happy, indifferent.

Think about the people around you and how complex most peoples lives are. Everyone I know has gone through rough shit, no matter what they look like, no matter how smart they are, no matter how they were raised, no matter how much money they have.

But I still have those same thoughts as you. I still have this fantasy that if I was beautiful and skinny right now then my lows wouldn't be so low and that my highs would be enough for me to want to live. Which is so ridiculous, because just a couple of years ago I was skinny and fit but I was crying myself to sleep every night. It's a fantasy...
 
L

LaVieEnRose

Specialist
Jul 23, 2022
371
Try to direct your thoughts to the people you matter to and what you uniquely have to offer (everyone has something).
 
ncmxm

ncmxm

Student
Jun 9, 2021
182
I hear you, and I've struggled with comparison and the romanticization of other people's lives for a long time. Your feelings are valid and so many people feel this way


But it just isn't real, it's a fantasy. Just a couple of minutes ago I was reading an article about Christina Applegate (an actor) and her MS diagnosis. In her 20s she was super fit, beautiful, rich, famous, etc. She still ended up being divorced. She still got breast cancer and MS, she's gained hella weight and she's pissed about it all. But she loves her kids and her friends and family, and loves being in their lives. Even if none of this happened, that doesn't mean someone's life is perfect. Or maybe it's actually really great. Good for them! There are so many regular looking, average salary people who are loved, who enjoy life but still have tough times or terrible times. There are stereotypically attractive people who are depressed, happy, indifferent.

Think about the people around you and how complex most peoples lives are. Everyone I know has gone through rough shit, no matter what they look like, no matter how smart they are, no matter how they were raised, no matter how much money they have.

But I still have those same thoughts as you. I still have this fantasy that if I was beautiful and skinny right now then my lows wouldn't be so low and that my highs would be enough for me to want to live. Which is so ridiculous, because just a couple of years ago I was skinny and fit but I was crying myself to sleep every night. It's a fantasy...
I hear you too, but idk. I agree that even rich attractive popular etc people have problems and can be depressed, but I feel like I'm depressed *because* I am not those things so idk. Poor lonely conventionally unattractive people usually have worse lives and suffer more.

Where I live there's a saying "rich people cry too", but there's also a saying "it's better to cry in a Maserati than on a bike", and I agree more with the second one, and imo it's the same principle for attractive and depressed or successful and depressed.
That's what happens when you believe some people have more worth than others and not seeing them as equals. Successful and rich and attractive means just that. Successful, rich and attractive, but obviously you think they're better than you, otherwise you wouldn't feel this way. Work on your belief system. By the way, I know it's incredibly hard and could take you a lifetime, but it's the only correct way. I'm not saying it's easy. And your feelings are understandable. But if you want to surpass them, you really need to work on them. Hugs to you 🤗
I read about core beliefs a bit but idk. For example, if a popular person ctbed, a lot of people would miss them. This popular person has value for a lot of people. If I ctb, my parents will be sad and my bf too for some time, and I think he'll get over it. So I have value for very few people. The same thing is with being attractive for example, attractive people are favoured by everyone, so other people give them more value than to unattractive people.

I've read that to change your core belief, the new belief needs to feel at least partially true. I simply cannot believe that I have as much value as those demi gods, it doesn't feel true at all.

44dzx0
 
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R

Regen

Student
Aug 20, 2020
162
For me this is difficult too. I am absolutely crazy about my wish having an own house. Every single day I see this houses and dream to live inside. It makes me crazy in my head.

For me it helps to remember that I don't know how lucky these people behind her mask are. I dont know about their angers, their fears, their familys, their wishes. Maybe their friend ist really cruel. Maybe they fears always what others think. Maybe they are never happy. Maybe their child will be dead in two years.

And it helps to think how lucky I am, because I live in peace, I had a home and a bed. I had enough water and a warm room. I had enough to eat. I can go to therapy.

But it hurts every day and I try to think about some other things and something else to do. I dont know a better way....
 
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ncmxm

ncmxm

Student
Jun 9, 2021
182
I'm sorry you feel this way too @Regen, I really really hope your dream will come true
 
Nirrend

Nirrend

The important is not how long you live ...
Mar 12, 2022
391
Title. I know the #1 advice is "don't compare yourself to other people", but it's difficult to follow because even if I close my eyes and don't compare myself to anyone the problem will still stay, I still will never be as good as those people so it feels like it's just lying and copium

Is there any other way? Or I just keep trying to not compare myself to anyone?

I'm making this thread because today I was actually feeling a bit better than usual, then I saw a person like that and I went from feeling a bit better than usual to considering ctb again lol

Hi sweet @ncmxm

I'm sorry you're suffering, I'll try to bring you an answer ❤

First of all, I suggest that we discuss the fact of comparing ourselves. It's called: "social comparison".

There are 3 of them

1) The top-down comparison: this means that the person will compare himself to a group of people who he considers inferior to him. This comparison aims to reassure oneself and to give oneself motivation to progress. The problem with this is that if the person comparing themselves realises that they are not as superior as they thought, mood is greatly affected.

2) Cross-sectional comparison: this is the comparison with a group of people who are considered to be equivalent to us. This comparison seeks to motivate us, to enable us to excel and to distance ourselves from this group in order to give us the impression that we are progressing faster than them.

3) Upward comparison: this corresponds to the fact of comparing ourselves to a group of people that we qualify or that we perceive as superior to us. This comparison helps to motivate oneself, to want to surpass oneself. But the problem is that, if during the comparison, we realise that we cannot be like this group, this can have a devastating effect on mood.

Getting back to the issue you are addressing, first of all I could never ask you not to compare yourself, because social comparison is a normal, omnipresent and even beneficial phenomenon.

However, what we can try to ask ourselves is: "Why do the people you call superior to you impact you so much?"

I think that, the way this comparison impacts you, it raises several questions

I think that the way in which this comparison impacts on you raises a number of issues, such as self-esteem, self-confidence, what your family has said about people who society calls "successful people".

I don't know you and I'm probably going to make mistakes in what I'm going to describe, but I have the feeling that I'm reading someone who puts extremely strong pressure on himself, who doesn't give himself the right to make mistakes, who is afraid of being rejected or disowned by his family, who is perhaps ashamed to say that he lacks self-confidence

I understand that it's a complicated thing to live, it must be distressing, it must make you want to isolate yourself, it must be exhausting and it must make you feel that there is no hope because you have to tell yourself that you will never reach the level of these people

First of all I think that rather than trying to stop comparing yourself, it would be more interesting to try to stop hurting yourself by comparing yourself.

Maybe your family was all about excellence and for them only those who succeed are the ones they love? Maybe they complimented you a lot and maybe you wanted to live up to their expectations? Maybe you are very critical of yourself and feel you are too much of a perfectionist? Maybe your idea of love, of being loved and accepted, is excellence? And finally, maybe beauty and wealth is a life goal for you because you feel a lack of consideration from people?

All this, only you know

I think you have to like yourself as you are at the moment, I understand that wealth and beauty evoke a model of success, but are you sure that these people are happy?

Don't you think people are already proud of who you are? 😊

The problem is that I get the impression that you don't like yourself. If that's the case, start by realizing the qualities you have, because you do ❤

Think about your background, the fact that like anyone else you are unique, your knowledge, your know-how ❤

Every time you compare yourself, don't forget that if you want to be like them, it won't be you anymore, but another rich beautiful person who won't have the same essence as yours now

And the day you love yourself soft, you won't care about those people, and you'll be able to love people without caring what they think of you ❤

Because I imagine you feel some resentment when you see all this

Courage, don't let your demons eat you up, you are strong, you are on the road to recovery ❤

Good luck, we love you just the way you are ❤😊

Keep us posted ❤

Love ❤
 
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Someday_Sometime32

Someday_Sometime32

Member
Jul 20, 2022
48
 It's weird but I'm giving myself a faceless personality-less identity. It's the only way I can exist on the internet without getting hated on for being ugly
 
N

notofthisworld

Member
Nov 17, 2022
13
I isolate myself like I've been doing for 20 years. I'm so far removed from those kinds of triggers. It helps, not that it's a healthy way of coping. Although, now that I have a gf, I'm not too fussed about attractive people. I kind of hate rich people though, with all their shameless extravagance. But in reality I don't need much money. I don't go out. So that helps too
Title. I know the #1 advice is "don't compare yourself to other people", but it's difficult to follow because even if I close my eyes and don't compare myself to anyone the problem will still stay, I still will never be as good as those people so it feels like it's just lying and copium

Is there any other way? Or I just keep trying to not compare myself to anyone?

I'm making this thread because today I was actually feeling a bit better than usual, then I saw a person like that and I went from feeling a bit better than usual to considering ctb again lol
As a person in my 40s who has lost more trust in social relationships over the years, I have these three words for you:

Don't. Be. Fooled.

1:. Status quo. What do the masses mostly want? They want it all! They want to look big; flashy car, lots of money, get ripped, new tattoos, more property, gadgets, you name it. Consumerism is the machine that makes this mostly hollow value system breathe. And sadly, the youth of today have bought it with gusto. What's worse, there are older folks like myself who have something called a midlife crisis and want to get back in "the game". I refuse to have absolutely any part in it. That's the one good thing about getting older, there's a frame of reference from the past.

2. They're probably faking it. Anything can be faked, using computers and credit. Social media is a fake that needs no discussion.

They will know who their friends really are when they're spent (funds and age).

Don't play this game. To know you won't be good at it makes the game not worth playing. I'm far from good at it. There are better things to do,.
 
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Pluto

Pluto

Meowing to go out
Dec 27, 2020
1,814
Most people in modern times are struggling with this issue. Social media has turned shallow human hierarchies into a pandemic of misery. If you feel you may have a social media addiction, this could be a trigger to consider some changes, as many young people are doing. But there's more to it than that.

Yes, there have been cases of attractive/successful people ending up CTB, which confirms that they can still suffer enormously and be afflicted by mental illness or dreadful situations. But of course, on average, a leisure class lifestyle is vastly preferable to, say, being a socially isolated wage slave who can at best cover minimum expenses while doing demeaning and unfulfilling work.

The positive aspect of comparison is the possibility of being inspired to step up your fitness routine, or aspire to something next-level with your career. Inspiration is healthy, while jealousy is poisonous. The difference between the two boils down to interpretations in your mind. This is also something that can be worked on.

Most importantly, finding yourself is genuinely worth more than any amount of social status or material excess. For example, imagine you have a best friend who you feel really close to, have fun conversations with and feel closely bonded to. Would you abandon her in favour of someone else with a higher income who likes to sit around boasting about her Instagram followers all day? If not, why not? The latter is "better", aren't they?

If we compare people by different criteria, results change dramatically. Who laughs the most? Who experiences the deepest love? Who is the most authentic? Who has the most fun? Who makes the most positive contribution? Who has the best-balanced lifestyle? Who has fewest regrets at the end of their life? Who is happiest? Suddenly, it's not the simple pyramid hierarchy that People.com would have us believe. Whatever happens, we are all in the same place in 100 years, so best to make the wisest choices you can.
 
GenesAndEnvironment

GenesAndEnvironment

Autistic
Jan 26, 2021
5,673
Is there any other way?
Call the bluff. Emotional pain, thoughts, that's all it is. Look at it and experience the sensations without adding anything. No need to give it more power than it can force out of you on its own. That's just one of the techniques I use, another one is writing down the specific thoughts in a book, making sure all of the thoughts are "unhelpful and harmful" and then catching yourself before it spins out of hand (at each singular event). Then there's of course making sure the body is in tip-top shape and, which can easily be forgotten, having/generating some general desire to feel positive emotions rather than negative ones.
 
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ARW3N

ARW3N

Melancholia
Dec 25, 2019
321
I’m non-religious but I’ve always been impressed by the existential truth taught by the Buddha that the suffering of birth, old age, sickness and death is unavoidable. Some fortunate people may now be enjoying relatively happy and carefree lives, but it is only a matter of time before they, too, will experience suffering of some kind.
 
A

AdaSmiles

Member
Nov 9, 2022
23
Since I learned about stoicism, I dont give a fuck about "things". It's such a relief. I mainly use my money to help others. It's the only thing that keeps me alive.
 
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