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Garbage Person

Garbage Person

Eating snowflakes with plastic forks
Joined
Jan 17, 2020
Messages
273
Hey, I wanted to start a thread here so I can continue to give some updates about my life as I continue to figure things out. I started a thread before and had planned to end my life, but it was a failed attempt due to being discovered. I figured I would get out of the hospitals and just do the deed right, but I feel the crisis center actually helped quite a bit. The genuine conversations here and support was totally unexpected and I suddenly didn't feel like quite as alien. I don't hate myself, just many factors of modern day life and a somewhat janky vessel that I'm stuck in. I hope to turn things around and pay it forward. We'll see how things go. This is a continuation of my old thread:
The story so far
 
Garbage Person

Garbage Person

Eating snowflakes with plastic forks
Joined
Jan 17, 2020
Messages
273
@lostangel Thank you so much. The support has been great for both the plans to ctb as well as fighting to stay alive. This crisis center I've been at is apparently the holy grail in my area, the people are amazing. I'm sharing the space with two others right now, and they're good people as well, one hs a very rough background with gang violence and prison time. That's something I'm glad I've avoided, prison would be hell and I'm lucky I got away with the things that could have put me there. Thank again, I hope you're as well as you can be today. Cupcake has a story about why nose is an important name to her. She has been great support and is a fantastic human being.

@Cupcake Hello again nose! I sent you pm earlier, but just to answer those questions more publicly, the visit with my bro was great, but brief. We can't have visitors for long due to covid. He dropped off some stuff and gave me 40 bucks for gas money. Just gave him an update on my plans. It's good to have support from at least one family member. Quality over quantity. He's a good guy and we were both kind of the black sheep compared to my middle bro. Glad you found the thread, I'll be posting here instead. Posting in the other just felt awkward since I'm not actively trying to ctb anymore. I owe it to myself to try harder. Death will always win, and I'll always romanticize suicide, but I need to put in more effort to possibly get more out of this experience. Love you nose! I'll be around.

@Funkymonks Glad you found the new thread. This feels more appropriate for what I'm doing here right now. No reason for me to bump stuff off the front page in suicide discussion if it's just my journal entry of the day, even if it's the tenth thread of the day about acquiring SN or aiming a shotgun. Not that I'm trying to invalidate anyone, people probably just want an interaction or are too exhausted to research. I can't relate to that mentality but it is what it is lol. I'll definitely be around and I'm glad it helps. Much love and hope all is well!

@Soul I can certainly agree with that. I've always had a desire to help others. I've thought of some things I can do for my community once I get right financially. I want to do good and sow seeds of peace and hospitality. We're facing a lot of problems in the world, probably more than ever. It's time for some action, it's the best I can do, all I can do. I'm thinking locally though, but that's where people should start. I just want to die without regret for not trying to reach my full potential. I've only squandered my time before this year. Thirty years down the drain, but that's pretty typical these days. People are lost.
 
Garbage Person

Garbage Person

Eating snowflakes with plastic forks
Joined
Jan 17, 2020
Messages
273
@Underscore Thank you for that. I will certainly be trying my best.

I've mostly spent today chatting with staff and taking some practice tests for the ACT. Better results than I expected. I don't even really need to study to get good scores. I'd have to brush up on math to guarantee a perfect score, but I'm not too concerned. Not trying to become an engineer or teacher so that's the least of my worries. My feelings have been all over the place today, ranging from very social and motivated to closed off and melancholy. It's odd that I decided to take anti depressants, I never thought I would. I expressed my concerns about not really knowing my own baseline due to being all over the place and also throwing drugs on top of that over the last 15 years. I'm glad I found a doc that's actually well spoken and will listen to my requests. I can take myself off of this anytime I like and he had no desire to add more meds to this for social anxiety. We're going to see if the citalopram takes the edge off of that and go from there. We had pretty long conversations about brain chemistry and drugs, I think he's happy to have a client who knows a thing or two. It's flattering when a doctor compliments your knowledge. I don't know how to feel about going back to the car after this. I've become very comfortable here and I'll miss the staff. They've been so compassionate and actually give solid advice, guidance, and plenty of help with various tasks. I wish I could pinpoint why Im all over the place with my feelings, I sometimes just zone out and don't want to do anything. It's an odd state to be in and it's nothing new. It makes people think I'm sad, when really I'm just merely existing with no desires in those moments. I belive I might at times have resting murder face, but I'm not sure. I remember walking out of a tunnel on a local trail and there was a mother and her children on the other side with a dog. I was tripping balls at the time and said "hey! Beautiful day today isn't it?" and they looked absolutely scared to death. I've also had plenty of great experiences with strangers, but there are enough negative ones that really make me wonder how people perceive me based on appearance. I didn't take that specific instance personally, I actually found it pretty humorous in that state of mind. I'm so far from the type of person that would inflict harm on that woman and her poor kids. People are just too uptight and scared these days, it's crazy. Anyway, I'm rambling and it's time to stop. I've shared my day, it was another one, tomorrow is another day as well. So many days. I hope you're well tonight if you're reading this.
 
C

Cupcake

Student
Joined
Apr 8, 2018
Messages
105
Garbage Person said:
@Underscore Thank you for that. I will certainly be trying my best.

I've mostly spent today chatting with staff and taking some practice tests for the ACT. Better results than I expected. I don't even really need to study to get good scores. I'd have to brush up on math to guarantee a perfect score, but I'm not too concerned. Not trying to become an engineer or teacher so that's the least of my worries. My feelings have been all over the place today, ranging from very social and motivated to closed off and melancholy. It's odd that I decided to take anti depressants, I never thought I would. I expressed my concerns about not really knowing my own baseline due to being all over the place and also throwing drugs on top of that over the last 15 years. I'm glad I found a doc that's actually well spoken and will listen to my requests. I can take myself off of this anytime I like and he had no desire to add more meds to this for social anxiety. We're going to see if the citalopram takes the edge off of that and go from there. We had pretty long conversations about brain chemistry and drugs, I think he's happy to have a client who knows a thing or two. It's flattering when a doctor compliments your knowledge. I don't know how to feel about going back to the car after this. I've become very comfortable here and I'll miss the staff. They've been so compassionate and actually give solid advice, guidance, and plenty of help with various tasks. I wish I could pinpoint why Im all over the place with my feelings, I sometimes just zone out and don't want to do anything. It's an odd state to be in and it's nothing new. It makes people think I'm sad, when really I'm just merely existing with no desires in those moments. I belive I might at times have resting murder face, but I'm not sure. I remember walking out of a tunnel on a local trail and there was a mother and her children on the other side with a dog. I was tripping balls at the time and said "hey! Beautiful day today isn't it?" and they looked absolutely scared to death. I've also had plenty of great experiences with strangers, but there are enough negative ones that really make me wonder how people perceive me based on appearance. I didn't take that specific instance personally, I actually found it pretty humorous in that state of mind. I'm so far from the type of person that would inflict harm on that woman and her poor kids. People are just too uptight and scared these days, it's crazy. Anyway, I'm rambling and it's time to stop. I've shared my day, it was another one, tomorrow is another day as well. So many days. I hope you're well tonight if you're reading this.
Hi Nose!

It's pretty normal to have feelings all over the map, especially when you are stressed and/or facing numerous changes, especially when they are huge ones, like you are dealing with.

That story about the mother and her kids and you cracked me up! I wish I could have been there to witness that and laugh with you in that moment.

Sometimes, I get scared by certain people who are homeless, but only when they are yelling and being aggressive. For the most part, I've had wonderful interactions with the homeless, and even took one out to dinner b/c his birthday was nearing and I wanted to celebrate his precious new year with him.

Try not to be too hard on yourself for feeling all over the place. It's normal. I'm not going through even HALF of what you are going through, and I feel that way all the time. I'm sure a lot on here can relate.

I'm glad your visit with your bro was a positive one. Sometimes family can be a good thing, sometimes they can suck, hahaha! I can relate to the black sheep feeling, I feel like the black sheep in my family, too. But, what comforts me is, I always tell myself, well, there has to be at least one black sheep in every family, so I guess I'm the chosen one for that role, hahaha!

I don't know why, but that thought always comforts me.

LostAngel, I was showing Garbage Person support, too! I call wonderful people I love, him included, a nose because noses are very special to me. They symbolize life and hope for me b/c, when my firstborn came into this world, I worried that she was dead because she was so quiet and I am blind, so I'd go to her to touch her nose to make sure she was alive, and warm, gentle air would coume from her tiny nostrils, and relief and love would just wash over me like a warm blanket. So, Nose is not a bad thing, it means love and light and hope and joy in my world.

Well Nose, I must get going, but I'll try to call you in the morning, or you can call me. I have more time tomorrow morning than I did today. I hope we can connect! My ears are craving those delicious Italian cheese and sausage raviolis!

NOSE!
Funkymonks said:
@lostangel
If you read @Garbage Person previous thread, it is what @Cupcake calls them.
Great idea to start a thread here, your words really could help support those that are likeminded :heart:
Hey, thank you for explaining the situation to LostAngel. I didn't get to the thread until late tonight, so thanks for helping me out!

I know it's a weird thing to say to someone, but I just love everyone on here so much, you included, and noses make me so happy and hopeful and I love to share the story with everyone who cares to listen.

Do you want to be a nose, too?

You rock!

NOSE!
Cupcake said:
Hi Nose!

It's pretty normal to have feelings all over the map, especially when you are stressed and/or facing numerous changes, especially when they are huge ones, like you are dealing with.

That story about the mother and her kids and you cracked me up! I wish I could have been there to witness that and laugh with you in that moment.

Sometimes, I get scared by certain people who are homeless, but only when they are yelling and being aggressive. For the most part, I've had wonderful interactions with the homeless, and even took one out to dinner b/c his birthday was nearing and I wanted to celebrate his precious new year with him.

Try not to be too hard on yourself for feeling all over the place. It's normal. I'm not going through even HALF of what you are going through, and I feel that way all the time. I'm sure a lot on here can relate.

I'm glad your visit with your bro was a positive one. Sometimes family can be a good thing, sometimes they can suck, hahaha! I can relate to the black sheep feeling, I feel like the black sheep in my family, too. But, what comforts me is, I always tell myself, well, there has to be at least one black sheep in every family, so I guess I'm the chosen one for that role, hahaha!

I don't know why, but that thought always comforts me.

LostAngel, I was showing Garbage Person support, too! I call wonderful people I love, him included, a nose because noses are very special to me. They symbolize life and hope for me b/c, when my firstborn came into this world, I worried that she was dead because she was so quiet and I am blind, so I'd go to her to touch her nose to make sure she was alive, and warm, gentle air would coume from her tiny nostrils, and relief and love would just wash over me like a warm blanket. So, Nose is not a bad thing, it means love and light and hope and joy in my world.

Well Nose, I must get going, but I'll try to call you in the morning, or you can call me. I have more time tomorrow morning than I did today. I hope we can connect! My ears are craving those delicious Italian cheese and sausage raviolis!

NOSE!

Hey, thank you for explaining the situation to LostAngel. I didn't get to the thread until late tonight, so thanks for helping me out!

I know it's a weird thing to say to someone, but I just love everyone on here so much, you included, and noses make me so happy and hopeful and I love to share the story with everyone who cares to listen.

Do you want to be a nose, too?

You rock!

NOSE!
Oh, I was trying to quote @Funkymonk's reply and thank them for explaining about the noses, but it didn't quote them, so, @Funkymonk, I was thanking you for explaining the situation to LostAngel about the noses and asking you if you wanted to be a nose, too? Because you are awesome, and we're all in this fight together.

NOSE!
 
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F

Funkymonks

Member
Joined
Jul 23, 2020
Messages
65
@Cupcake id love to be a nose, what an honour!, I have a button nose which I love.

@Garbage Person I've been on citalopram, found it allowed me to continue with the mundane without having a meltdown over small issues, however I did get extremely bad vivid nightmares that I came of it and went on to sertraline.
You may find it may take a week or two to settle in your system and you will know if it's for you or not.

I'm sorry but I had to laugh at resting murder face, sometimes others just are so ignorant to others
I have resting bitch face and most of the time it serves me well, feck others and their judgements, it can take a lifetime to be comfortable in our skin, sometimes not at all.

I think your feelings may be contributed to the fact that you have had to deal with a shitload of emotions in a very short space of time, where your mind just feels lost.
If it's your thing, meditation or breathing techniques can help ground you even for a little while x
 
Garbage Person

Garbage Person

Eating snowflakes with plastic forks
Joined
Jan 17, 2020
Messages
273
@Cupcake Hey Nose! I suppose that's true about black sheep. It's weird that my oldest bro and I are both somehow the black sheep. We both just fucked up too many times for family to stick around I guess. Still haven't heard back from them today, hopefully they're okay. I can't thank you enough for all the help, you're a saint and I'm so happy to be a nose!

@Funkymonks It has been about two weeks on it and I haven't noticed any differences but I also haven't noticed any side effects yet either. I doubt I'll ever be comfortable in my own skin, especially as I just continue to age. You're right about judgement, I'm trying to remind myself that I'm not trying to be accepted anyway, can't do anything about those people. I do feel pretty lost, it's just one environment to the next. Nice to see you're a nose now too!

I didn't post any updates for a few days because I've been pretty busy and things were crazy. There was a covid scare in the crisis unit and they had to remove the other resident due to high temps. Everyone was running a fever and one staff member was out sick. I thought I was going to be quarantined on Sunday but they just took the other guy. The one staff member on site had a bit of a panic attack and left early. I had been told my last day was Monday but it was actually today. I got discharged earlier today. There was a new admission yesterday, two actually. One of them claimed to be around someone with covid and got sent right back out. The other was a girl my age that wanted to leave with me and have me stay at her apartment. She had a lot going on like family issues, hooking, and an angry Arabic boyfriend. The more I talked to her, the more I convinced her to stay and get herself taken care of first. Might be a place to stay when she checks out of there though. Would be an interesting place to throw myself into. Had an interview today with one housing authority but they have no current openings. Homless shelters were all closed or full. I ran into the dude that was removed on Sunday and was going to give him a lift, but the crisis center re-admitted him. Told him I'd give him a hand when he gets out if I can. Gave him and the girl my number so maybe they'll play a role in my life later. I've got a phone interview tomorrow for a DSP position with training included. Hoping that works out. I really lucked out today. @Cupcake went above and beyond, put me up in a local hotel for a week and sent some extra my way to get me by while I'm getting things together. She is truly an amazing help, and a grand pillar of support in my life lately. This place and the crisis center have really restored my faith in humanity. I've spent so much time in the past helping others, I guess it was my turn. I'm feeling truly blessed tonight. I don't even know what to with this space and time right now, it's practically foreign to me at this point. I found out earlier that the manager of that sales place just submitted my background check, so I've got a few days before I can start work. I apologize for being all over the place with this post, I'm probably forgetting some things that have happened over the last few days, but it has been quite a ride. I'm feeling pretty good tonight, it's a new beginning and there is a lot to do. Sadly, it's a lot of waiting for now. I'm still so glad to have such great support though. Thanks again for being here, I hope you're well.
 
F

Funkymonks

Member
Joined
Jul 23, 2020
Messages
65
This is lovely to read.
@Cupcake how wonderfully amazing are you. I would like to say thank you for being a bright shining light in what can be a very dark place xxx
@Garbage Person i love you to bits and I continue to cheer you on x
 
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Garbage Person

Garbage Person

Eating snowflakes with plastic forks
Joined
Jan 17, 2020
Messages
273
@so tired or manic I'm glad it brought you some positive feelings. It's always good to hear. Things are definitely starting to fall into place. It's weird how things just seem to come together by luck and chance sometimes when you need it most. Of course, there is a balance to this and shit can fall apart real quick. That's the main reason I will never again put my happiness or well being square in the hands of a single person in a romantic relationship, or a company. It's a two way road that can easily become one way and then a dead end.

@Funkymonks She really is, she has been bringing light into the lives of many lately and I hope she realizes just how amazing she really is. We talk everyday it does so much good for both of us. Feeling alone can be the worst feeling possible, even if we're all alone in some manner. I'd say you were right about the family and the tunnel story, it was probably far more obvious that I was having a good time than what I thought. I was on cloud 9 but I probably came out of that tunnel like...
Lennon walking.jpg
"Don't talk to that man sweeties, he's really high on drugs".

Today is going well so far. Got a call from the housing authority of a county just west of me, a few towns over. They have openings but I have to get a letter from my employer and birth certificate. The certificate is being paid for by and sent to the crisis unit, just have to wait. The sales position job called me a few hours ago to let me know the background check came back fine. They'll be in touch later today or tomorrow, possibly starting me tomorrow or Friday. I'm waiting on phone interview right now for the DSP job and training. I hope they accept me, it relates directly to what I want to go to school for next year. For now, I'm just sitting here in the hotel room, just chilling. Got some reading done last night and caught some great sleep. Feeling pretty good. Hopefully you're doing well too.
 
Garbage Person

Garbage Person

Eating snowflakes with plastic forks
Joined
Jan 17, 2020
Messages
273
@Good4Nothing Hey there friend! Hope all is well with you. It's always nice to see people checking out posts in the recovery section, bit of a ghost town on this side of the fence. Thanks for the support. Hanging in there, thankfully not from a tree.
 
so tired or manic

so tired or manic

Arcanist
Joined
Jun 12, 2020
Messages
462
I've come to accept that when life feels good, expect the crash. I keep getting told that's not how it works, expecting it means you're asking for it. but still, it happens every time. it's impossible to keep rising. I see it as being prepared and ready for when the inevitable happens.

it's hard to come back from the crash, but that's the learning process I'm sure we're all on.
 
C

Cupcake

Student
Joined
Apr 8, 2018
Messages
105
so tired or manic said:
I've come to accept that when life feels good, expect the crash. I keep getting told that's not how it works, expecting it means you're asking for it. but still, it happens every time. it's impossible to keep rising. I see it as being prepared and ready for when the inevitable happens.

it's hard to come back from the crash, but that's the learning process I'm sure we're all on.
Hi Nose! I have finally gotten a chance to read your thread from a few days ago, and I am so proud of you! You are an amazing nose!

@Funkymonk, I am so glad that you want to be a nose! Noses are so amazing, and so are you!

@Garbage Person Nose, did you get a chance to look at dogs and things we can do together? I can't wait to finally meet you and touch your nose!

Love you Nose!
 
Deleted member 17949

Deleted member 17949

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Messages
2,246
It's really nice to here. Sometimes your mind is just cornered and all you need is other people to really reach out to you. This seems like a positive story overall so I really hope things go well.
 
Garbage Person

Garbage Person

Eating snowflakes with plastic forks
Joined
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Messages
273
@so tired or manic I could see how some people may believe that by expecting it, you may subconsciously "will" it into fruition, but I agree with you. It works just like gravity. I only see eternal peace and "happiness" for those that dedicate their life to meditation, but I hope to find "zen" or nirvana through the art of maintenance, helping others, and just a general appreciation for the cycles here and the balance that exists as a whole in everything. It always seemed like a good idea to me to be aware of those inevitable downfalls and prepare for the happenings that bring suffering to the forefront. Just don't make it the primary focus in life, that would be a hell to dwell in.

@Cupcake Hey NOSE!!!! I looked into the beaches in the area, hoping I can some really awesome cabin or hut of some kind that would be peacful. I hope it serves as a vacation for us both and a way to walk away from the mundane for a bit. I know we both feel the same about social environments, so I'm all about making it as calm and quiet of a getaway as possible. Still no luck on puppers, I'll probably postpone it until I'm bringing in checks from the jobs, just so I don't get too attached to any of them or find a perfect one for you. Hoping the stimulus check arrives as I'll kick that back for the vacation and use some checks for the puppers. I hope you're having a good day, I'll call you later this evening and see if you're around. Love you Nose!

@cryptic__egg Thanks! I'm glad you're here with me. The support here helps so much and it's all I have that feels real. This place is such a sanctuary to me, the only place I've been full of honesty without many trolls or interference and political agendas. I'll always be here, likely until the end or the servers go down, which I really hope isn't what the end looks like.

I've been lazy today, total sloth. I woke up at 8am to a call from my actual counselor. First call I've had from him. I feel lucky to have a psychiatrist that will actually read his notes. It was very laid back and we agreed about many things with the world at large. It's a relief. I was super tired though and ended up napping after chatting with cupcake. I go tomorrow to sign forms for the auto parts sales gig. Hoping I hear about the dsp potion tomorrow as well. My birth certificate arrived at the crisis center, so I have to go by there as well and then send forms to the housing authority. Hoping they still have those openings. Shit is about to go very wrong in America and it would be a good idea for me to buckle up and get this all going immediately. I need to go get some shopping done. I'm fucking dreading it. I used to do all my shopping at like 3am, covid fucked that up. So, I'll be going first thing in the morning to avoid the stampedes, shambling dead, and distracted drivers. I just need some fucking clothes, not trying to get sick or stand around in aisles trying to remember where I am, or rummage through 5 dollar movie bins while blocking a lane with two motorized chairs. Speaking of weight gain, I really want some fucking cheesecake. Hoping I can feed the glutton in me and my lust for life through eating terribly. May my matabolism stay quick, and arteries flowing. I hope you're all well today, maybe you slept in as well and caught a nice reset. Thanks for being here.
 
so tired or manic

so tired or manic

Arcanist
Joined
Jun 12, 2020
Messages
462
Garbage Person said:
@so tired or manic I could see how some people may believe that by expecting it, you may subconsciously "will" it into fruition, but I agree with you. It works just like gravity. I only see eternal peace and "happiness" for those that dedicate their life to meditation, but I hope to find "zen" or nirvana through the art of maintenance, helping others, and just a general appreciation for the cycles here and the balance that exists as a whole in everything. It always seemed like a good idea to me to be aware of those inevitable downfalls and prepare for the happenings that bring suffering to the forefront. Just don't make it the primary focus in life, that would be a hell to dwell in.

yes, the dwelling would become problematic. i've usually been more on the easygoing let things happen side of things so it didn't occur to me.

hope one of those calls turns into a job. working sucks in general, but looking for a job was always far worse.
 
Garbage Person

Garbage Person

Eating snowflakes with plastic forks
Joined
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Messages
273
@so tired or manic That's good, I was always the same way. I lost sight of that last year and earlier this year and just let myself get to a maddened state of mind where everything was always terrible, all of the time, no good was on the horizon. I'm slowly getting back to my old self where it's just all what it is. I'll be working the sales job next week, already accepted it. I just have to fill out the tax forms and whatnot. I'm really hoping the other works out though, so thanks. It would give me a chance to help others while also being able to pay bills. Healthcare related jobs are also pretty stable, especially in the midst of a global pandemic, so that would help ease my mind.
 
C

Cupcake

Student
Joined
Apr 8, 2018
Messages
105
Garbage Person said:
@so tired or manic That's good, I was always the same way. I lost sight of that last year and earlier this year and just let myself get to a maddened state of mind where everything was always terrible, all of the time, no good was on the horizon. I'm slowly getting back to my old self where it's just all what it is. I'll be working the sales job next week, already accepted it. I just have to fill out the tax forms and whatnot. I'm really hoping the other works out though, so thanks. It would give me a chance to help others while also being able to pay bills. Healthcare related jobs are also pretty stable, especially in the midst of a global pandemic, so that would help ease my mind.
Hi Nose! I'm so glad that you did manage to get ahold of some "fucking cheesecake" hahaha! It was fun to get to see it on Zoom. Quite a beautiful cake, actually. Whoever made it decorated it nicely.
Garbage Person said:
@so tired or manic That's good, I was always the same way. I lost sight of that last year and earlier this year and just let myself get to a maddened state of mind where everything was always terrible, all of the time, no good was on the horizon. I'm slowly getting back to my old self where it's just all what it is. I'll be working the sales job next week, already accepted it. I just have to fill out the tax forms and whatnot. I'm really hoping the other works out though, so thanks. It would give me a chance to help others while also being able to pay bills. Healthcare related jobs are also pretty stable, especially in the midst of a global pandemic, so that would help ease my mind.
Cupcake said:
Hi Nose! I'm so glad that you did manage to get ahold of some "fucking cheesecake" hahaha! It was fun to get to see it on Zoom. Quite a beautiful cake, actually. Whoever made it decorated it nicely.
I love you so much Nose! Hope you get some ice cream after all! Nose to you!
 
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Garbage Person

Garbage Person

Eating snowflakes with plastic forks
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273
@Cupcake Hey there NOSE!!!! I love you so much too! I hope you managed to get some rest, I don't know if Bryan stayed or went back. That cheesecake was exactly what I needed. I did get some ice cream but I got it from a gas station, the other places were closed. I'm so glad I was fed for half the month, I don't have to budget food stamps haha. I've just been using them for whatever sounds great that I typically couldn't afford. I'm so glad we got to chat a lot today. I look forward to coffin shopping :pfff: Hoping I can trade my car for a hearse, I'll shop around! Much love to you, I hope work doesn't take it out of you.

I was productive today, but I mostly just ate a lot. Bought some new clothes, desperately needed them. Got my birth certificate, and also got the letter from my employer. Emailed those to my caseworker at the housing authority. Unfortunately, they aren't back in the office until Tuesday, so I just have to wait some more. Feeling like I'm in a waiting room most of the time lately. I start work Monday, nothing to do over the weekend. I guess I'll just eat good food and lay around. Can't complain about that.
 
Garbage Person

Garbage Person

Eating snowflakes with plastic forks
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I can feel myself slipping again. I start the sales job tomorrow and I dread it. My housing caseworker that notified me of openings has been on vacation since Friday and will be in the office on Tuesday. I'm hoping they can get me in if those are still open. I saw my kids today. It was nice, but I don't think it brought anyone as much joy as I was hoping for. I feel like I'm sleepwalking all of the time now. My ex wife is high up at the company I'd like to work for and am waiting to hear back from, and I fear she could easily dismiss my application just for a quick jolly. I feel replaced as a parent by the new guy. My time at the hotel is almost up. This week will tell me a lot. I've thought of uprooting and going to a different state, but I'm under the impression it won't change anything but the scenery. I'd still have to drag myself along and I'm tired of me, I don't think a different location will change that. I've forgotten how to have fun or be interesting, while also failing to be interested in much. If I find myself homeless again with a sales job I don't want, I'll fail to find any sort of reason to keep going. I'm already trying to plan ahead so I can catch the bus correctly this time instead of ending up back in a hospital. I wish I would have just bought a shotgun while I had the chance, now I don't even have the right to. I'm not feeling too great today.
@Cupcake If I decide to ctb, I'll still come and meet you before I do. You've treated me so well and been so helpful. I keep going for you and the others from here that I talk to. You're an amazing person cupcake, I love you nose.
 
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GravityUtilizer

GravityUtilizer

Born to lose
Joined
May 22, 2020
Messages
744
Hey I think you've said before you don't think you've got depression but I think you should be looking into possibly getting treatment for that. Pills could help, you never know.
 
so tired or manic

so tired or manic

Arcanist
Joined
Jun 12, 2020
Messages
462
it sounds more like bipolar to me, since you go up and down, but I don't have the degree to get away with making these claims.

I'm glad you were able to see your kids. I meant to ask yesterday.

I need a place to stay, preferably very far from where I am, but lack the money and vehicle to get anywhere. i wish I could offer you housing while solving my own problem of I need to get out.
 
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Funkymonks

Member
Joined
Jul 23, 2020
Messages
65
Big hugs @Garbage Person we are all still here for you xx
Maybe give the crisis centre a call see what they can do, I think it's anxiety topped with stress that's causing these feelings. The problem is at the moment you don't seem to be getting a break from it.
if I could travel to you id be there in a heartbeat!
Big loves x
 
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