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GravityUtilizer

GravityUtilizer

Born to lose
Joined
May 22, 2020
Messages
744
Garbage Person said:
@AvaAdore
@Underscore
Hey guys, thanks for asking about me. Sorry I haven't updated in a week. It has been a crazy busy week. I ended up getting the job as a DSP. I'm actually working right now but I'm on a smoke break. I'll give a better update at some point when I have more time to work with. I'm doing pretty well for now, just staying busy with this job. You're all amazing!
GP: the man, the legend.
 
AvaAdore

AvaAdore

When will it be?
Joined
Jul 20, 2020
Messages
160
I was not sure if you had decided to get off the site for some reason. I am glad that you were away only because you've been busy with your new job you're awesome!
GravityUtilizer said:
GP: the man, the legend.
:pfff:
 
Garbage Person

Garbage Person

Eating snowflakes with plastic forks
Joined
Jan 17, 2020
Messages
286
So, I lost that job and broke my sober streak. They found out my ex wife oversaw parts of the homes I was working in and the company had a policy against such a situation. I was very upset, this all transpired on Thursday. I ended up buying some weed from a friend and some budder from a dispensary. I've just been lying around, catching up on movies, hanging out with Nose, and avoiding the world as much as possible. My last Grandparent just passed away as well. I wasn't the closest and hadn't seen him in ages, but it's a weird feeling as family dwindles down closer to nothing. I'm glad I've had @Cupcake and @Funkymonks to keep me company, they have been my only real connection to anything outside these walls for the past four days. I need to go pick up groceries and pay my rent but I've been putting it off. I just feel defeated.
 
GravityUtilizer

GravityUtilizer

Born to lose
Joined
May 22, 2020
Messages
744
Well sorry for your loss but maybe the lost job and sober streak will provide some opportunity to reflect on things. I actually feel better since breaking my abstinence because - unlike what they said in AA - I haven't just gone back to how bad I was before. I have grown somewhat after all that damn sober time!
 
Garbage Person

Garbage Person

Eating snowflakes with plastic forks
Joined
Jan 17, 2020
Messages
286
@GravityUtilizer I hope so. For now, I've been wasting the time. I was enjoying the job, so it was a huge kick to the dick. My thoughts were pretty much immediately on giving up the ghost, but I decided to at least try smoking the week away and then maybe try something again. I'm worn the fuck out.
 
D

Deleted member 1465

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Messages
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Garbage Person said:
So, I lost that job and broke my sober streak. They found out my ex wife oversaw parts of the homes I was working in and the company had a policy against such a situation. I was very upset, this all transpired on Thursday. I ended up buying some weed from a friend and some budder from a dispensary. I've just been lying around, catching up on movies, hanging out with Nose, and avoiding the world as much as possible. My last Grandparent just passed away as well. I wasn't the closest and hadn't seen him in ages, but it's a weird feeling as family dwindles down closer to nothing. I'm glad I've had @Cupcake and @Funkymonks to keep me company, they have been my only real connection to anything outside these walls for the past four days. I need to go pick up groceries and pay my rent but I've been putting it off. I just feel defeated.
Really sorry to hear this, and after you'd been doing so well. Life can really kick you in the balls. :hug:
 
Garbage Person

Garbage Person

Eating snowflakes with plastic forks
Joined
Jan 17, 2020
Messages
286
This month has been a total blur. I've slept more than ever. I've been working on smoking the last of my stash before I go back to sobriety. Nothing has changed lately, I've made no effort at all though. I'm back to being a total night owl, just woke up actually. Mostly been watching shows when I am awake. I've been watching Space Ghost Coast 2 Coast over the last few days, and Bob's Burgers. Took me a while to find an active torrent for SGC2C. I've been on a huge cartoon kick, just catching up on shows I missed out on or revisiting stuff I grew up on. I have a newfound love for The Amazing World of Gumball. I ignored recommendations, but it's actually hilarious. Only live action stuff I've been watching is MASH and finished the 10th season of Curb your Enthusiasm.

I wish I had more to talk about right now than being a couch potato. There have been some dark days for me this month. I'm still trying to just recover and enjoy life. Im almost out of meds and need to call them tomorrow. I keep putting everything off. I think of this site often. I hope everyone I've interacted with is doing okay.

@Underscore Hey, I hope things are as good as they can get for you. Life certainly does a good job of administering kicks to the balls.
 
D

Deleted member 1465

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Messages
6,933
Garbage Person said:
This month has been a total blur. I've slept more than ever. I've been working on smoking the last of my stash before I go back to sobriety. Nothing has changed lately, I've made no effort at all though. I'm back to being a total night owl, just woke up actually. Mostly been watching shows when I am awake. I've been watching Space Ghost Coast 2 Coast over the last few days, and Bob's Burgers. Took me a while to find an active torrent for SGC2C. I've been on a huge cartoon kick, just catching up on shows I missed out on or revisiting stuff I grew up on. I have a newfound love for The Amazing World of Gumball. I ignored recommendations, but it's actually hilarious. Only live action stuff I've been watching is MASH and finished the 10th season of Curb your Enthusiasm.

I wish I had more to talk about right now than being a couch potato. There have been some dark days for me this month. I'm still trying to just recover and enjoy life. Im almost out of meds and need to call them tomorrow. I keep putting everything off. I think of this site often. I hope everyone I've interacted with is doing okay.

@Underscore Hey, I hope things are as good as they can get for you. Life certainly does a good job of administering kicks to the balls.
Nice to hear that you are still alive and putting in the effort, however tough it is for you.
 
Garbage Person

Garbage Person

Eating snowflakes with plastic forks
Joined
Jan 17, 2020
Messages
286
@Underscore Thanks, I'm really glad you're still around. It's always refreshing to log in and see that people are still surviving, despite inevitable suffering. How are you doing anyway?

@Cupcake I love you Nose. You're an amazing friend and I'm so thankful for you, and the fact our paths crossed here. Really goes to show what good a site like this can do.

I've been coming to terms with a few things over the last couple days. I plan to seek out legal assistance with removing my parental rights. I've discussed this with friends, my father, and my counselor. I'm pretty much stuck co parenting with a control freak and I just want out. I might be able to pretend I'm doing alright, but not under the circumstances of constantly living firmly under her thumb. As of now, I've been seeing the kids in city parks on a weekly basis. Her idea of fair travel is to meet halfway one week and then I drive to her town the next, never a trip to mine from hers. I can't afford to do this. She threatened to take legal action if I didn't start making more of an effort, and now this is the situation with her and the kids. I don't look forward to any future like this.

My best shot at a content life will come from a blank canvas, I feel I need a reset. If I can sign away my rights, I will. I know those kids will be safe and I don't feel like fighting for any sort of custody if I can just pack up what I've learned here and go start over. I'm still having suicidal thoughts everyday, but I don't really feel much aside from bouts of loneliness on the worst days and a sense of hopelessness or being generally lost. I could delve further into that but I'd really just be repeating myself from other posts I've made.

I'm very thankful for many things in my life, it's not all bad. I cooked an amazing t bone steak for myself a few days ago, and I have two fat pork chops sitting in my freezer waiting to be cooked and devoured. I have two amazing friends from here that I get to chat with daily, so I really can't complain much. I decided to watch Regular Show starting from season one and I'm on four now, really glad I gave it a shot. I've only followed adult swim's lineup over the last decade as far as cartoon network, so it has been great catching up on animation. Still, there are those days where I do nothing but clutch my pillow and long for more sleep, sometimes right after waking. At least I'm not homless though, this is as comfortable as depression can get I suppose. The important things in my life have taken the backseat, but I really should get a job soon. I've been getting stoned and living like a hermit for the last two months, this is pretty much me wasting time. I've wasted so much already, I should really be treating it like the precious and limited resource that it is. Whatever. For now, fuck it. I'm going to keep pretending I'm okay.

 
D

Deleted member 1465

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Messages
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I'm okay-ish. Struggling along as ever trying to make the best out of what's left of my life. It's draining and I often feel overwhelmed. I just break it down into little bits, make a list and try and work through it.
Will you still see the kids?
 
Garbage Person

Garbage Person

Eating snowflakes with plastic forks
Joined
Jan 17, 2020
Messages
286
@K-O I'm so glad you did! Much love to you, I hope you're doing well! Glad you're still around too. I'll probably be here until I drop.

@Underscore I definitely feel like I understand. I'm happy to hear you're trying to just make the best out of it, it's all we can do. As far as the kids, it would likely be goodbye. It would all be up to the mother at that point. I haven't been able to bring myself to work on it today. It's such a tough pill to swallow but I can't really deny that it would be a good choice for my own selfish gains and sanity. I think the guilt from signing them over would be more manageable than a forced mediocre parenting job and selfish ex partner. I'm already at my wit's end and every choice I make just feels like more fuel on the dumpster fire. I just want a decent job and one last shot with a couple hobbies.
 
GoodPersonEffed

GoodPersonEffed

Brevity is my middle name, but my name was TL
Joined
Jan 11, 2020
Messages
6,754
Garbage Person said:
I've discussed this with friends, my father, and my counselor.

I'm curious, what did each of them advise?
 
Garbage Person

Garbage Person

Eating snowflakes with plastic forks
Joined
Jan 17, 2020
Messages
286
@GoodPersonEffed Friends are supportive, they know that I understand the gravity of the decision. My father is against it. He sees it as ditching responsibility and something I'll likely regret. It absolutely is ditching the responsibility, and I would probably regret it at times. I don't feel like I can fulfill my duty as a parent like this anyway, and I regret most things surrounding the situation anyway. My counselor is strongly supportive of me walking away. He said it sounds like joyless parenting with a controlling mother, and that the next 18 years would likely be no different. He believes a fresh start would serve me well, especially since I'm not getting anything positive out of this arrangement.
 
Garbage Person

Garbage Person

Eating snowflakes with plastic forks
Joined
Jan 17, 2020
Messages
286
I feel terrible. I'm pretty sure I exist for the sole purpose of filling last place. A true testament for how to wrongly exist. Looking back and forward, I've only ever been worth leaving behind. Being a domesticated human being, stuck in this trap, is joyless. I'm not sure what to do about my life anymore. Nothing sounds fulfilling and I become an annoying salesman to myself anytime I try to imagine it differently. Go away salesman, I'm broke and tired. It has been a year now. I hope what time is left can't be measured by years. I can't see myself successfully turning this around, my mind is too volatile, people and the world too predictable. Im frustrated that I'll likely go out as someone who just couldn't hack it. Someone who failed because they chose to, rather than letting time inevitably wither my body and mind into mechanical failure and oblivion. No purpose in any of it, no matter what. I feel insane.
 
GravityUtilizer

GravityUtilizer

Born to lose
Joined
May 22, 2020
Messages
744
You write well though! But yeah I relate dude, the hope-as-salesman part was too much :ahhha:
 
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D

Deleted member 1465

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Messages
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Garbage Person said:
I feel terrible. I'm pretty sure I exist for the sole purpose of filling last place. A true testament for how to wrongly exist. Looking back and forward, I've only ever been worth leaving behind. Being a domesticated human being, stuck in this trap, is joyless. I'm not sure what to do about my life anymore. Nothing sounds fulfilling and I become an annoying salesman to myself anytime I try to imagine it differently. Go away salesman, I'm broke and tired. It has been a year now. I hope what time is left can't be measured by years. I can't see myself successfully turning this around, my mind is too volatile, people and the world too predictable. Im frustrated that I'll likely go out as someone who just couldn't hack it. Someone who failed because they chose to, rather than letting time inevitably wither my body and mind into mechanical failure and oblivion. No purpose in any of it, no matter what. I feel insane.
I can secretly relate to all of that too, especially the bit about people being too predictable. There are times when I feel insane, but I'm starting to believe that everyone else is actually nuts and I'm the only sane one! I too have been left behind. Strangely, I believe it has taught me things I'd not otherwise have learned. :hug:
 
Garbage Person

Garbage Person

Eating snowflakes with plastic forks
Joined
Jan 17, 2020
Messages
286
Ahh, my containment thread. Glad I'm coming out of my funk. I applied for many local jobs yesterday just to make some progress. Staying productive around the apartment as much as I can. No desire to go out at all though, I'm pretty satisfied at home currently. Spending time watching horror movies, chillin with the hedgehog. I've been using reclaim from my nectar collector to avoid complete sobriety, and save money.

@Underscore At least we can all feel a bit less alone here. I suppose I feel more ready for anything after losing everything. It's liberating when you don't have to worry about running with the packs. It can also be equally as lonely.
 
D

Deleted member 1465

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Messages
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Garbage Person said:
Ahh, my containment thread. Glad I'm coming out of my funk. I applied for many local jobs yesterday just to make some progress. Staying productive around the apartment as much as I can. No desire to go out at all though, I'm pretty satisfied at home currently. Spending time watching horror movies, chillin with the hedgehog. I've been using reclaim from my nectar collector to avoid complete sobriety, and save money.

@Underscore At least we can all feel a bit less alone here. I suppose I feel more ready for anything after losing everything. It's liberating when you don't have to worry about running with the packs. It can also be equally as lonely.
Free and alone, yes, flip-sides of the same coin.
 
Garbage Person

Garbage Person

Eating snowflakes with plastic forks
Joined
Jan 17, 2020
Messages
286
Anyway, I'm still here and alive. I enjoy Halloween, but I guess I feel kind of melancholy right now. My mind isn't made up about much and I'm just coasting, looking for work. It's really scary how much time is being ripped away while I try to analyze things or breathe. I can still relax, but it's unnerving. I do feel optimistic about my future for the first time in ages, that's new. I think my goals are very reasonable and simple. I'll be much better once I'm working again.

I finished Regular Show. It gave me so many needed laughs over the last couple weeks.
 
Garbage Person

Garbage Person

Eating snowflakes with plastic forks
Joined
Jan 17, 2020
Messages
286
@K-O I'll be cherishing every second of it. I just want to get back into music and start an indoor garden, grow some mushrooms too. I can do these things, it won't take much money and that's all I lack. I'll be alright.

Now that I'm thinking about shows and movies, I have to recommend the show The Midnight Gospel, and the movie Kubo and the Two Strings. Had those on the mind this morning, both are excellent.
 
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K-O

K-O

FU(KOFFEE
Joined
Apr 16, 2020
Messages
1,466
Garbage Person said:
@K-O I'll be cherishing every second of it. I just want to get back into music and start an indoor garden, grow some mushrooms too. I can do these things, it won't take much money and that's all I lack. I'll be alright.

Now that I'm thinking about shows and movies, I have to recommend the show The Midnight Gospel, and the movie Kubo and the Two Strings. Had those on the mind this morning, both are excellent.
ive actually been rewatching some great animation oldies - the oblongs and spawn :heart:
 
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Garbage Person

Garbage Person

Eating snowflakes with plastic forks
Joined
Jan 17, 2020
Messages
286
@K-O Nice, I like both of those a lot. Oblongs is criminally underrated. Have you seen the movie Dead Leaves? I don't know much about its source material, but it's pretty bizarre and action/comedy focused. Might be up your alley.
 
Garbage Person

Garbage Person

Eating snowflakes with plastic forks
Joined
Jan 17, 2020
Messages
286
@GravityUtilizer best thing I've seen from 2020. Really unique show, I loved it. I've tried watching Close Enough but it hasn't hooked me yet. Wondering if there have been any other decent animated shows come out this year? YOLO Crystal Fantasy was pretty funny. The Smiling Friends pilot was even better.
 
Last edited:
Garbage Person

Garbage Person

Eating snowflakes with plastic forks
Joined
Jan 17, 2020
Messages
286
Another day is here that I will get through. I have a lot to do, so I'm having my coffee and smoke, mentally preparing for fighting the waves of bullshit that will likely cloud my mind and seek to slow me down. I have to accept the balances in life and float.
 

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