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D

Deleted member 1465

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Yes, laziness is a bitch. That feeling of ennui that kills motivation.
I have a mixed blessing: I can't lay in bed all day, or even all night. I have bad polyuria.
Also, I have to keep moving and doing stuff. Even stopping to read is hard work for me these days. Doing stuff is my therapy and I fear that if I stop, I'll not start again.
I too was broken, last year. Utterly. To the point of barely eating, not sleeping, not washing etc.
I had to drill down under it all and dredge up the only thing I had left: anger. It sustains me and motivates me and it's better than despair. Though, ofc The dark Side of the Force comes with it's own cost. :blarg:
If you are a broken person, then that is what you are. If you have the determination, you can still put the pieces back together. The question is whether you have the motivation to do that.
 
Garbage Person

Garbage Person

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@Underscore Anger definitely gets shit done. I consider it the most driving emotion by far. It's also an easy thing to conjure up considering the quality of our environment. It feels weird to log in here and not be thinking about suicide for once. The state of the site is weird right now for obvious reasons that don't deserve mention. I swear, people these days would argue and bicker over what specific shade to classify a literal piece of shit. "It's coffee!" "No, fuck you, it's cedar!" It's fucking shit, man.
 
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K-O

K-O

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hey mate long time no see.. just popping in to share this mental series with you- :heart:
also these international geographic shorts are great-
 
Garbage Person

Garbage Person

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@K-O Glad to see you're still alive! Thanks for sharing, I know what I'll be looking into today now.

It's crazy to see how many people are gone since the last time I was here. Suppose it should be expected though. Makes me glad I never usually get overly close to anyone. I'd be lying if I didn't say my own friendship could just be another liability.

I ended up landing another job working as a DSP. It's just a few blocks away from home too, which is nice. It's one less thing to worry about.

I've mostly been struggling with finding joy in things. I'm incredibly bored and some days feel I've done all that I care to. Cycles too repetitive, as that's what they are, and that's all I see and feel in life. Predictable everything, except exactly what will dish out distress on any given future date. I'm not sure what I want, so it's difficult to make a plan. I tend to suck at commitment even if I could stick to a plan for whatever fleeting sense of enjoyment. If I had a long term goal, I'm at an age where I'd be facing death soon by the time anything was achieved. So yeah, it was time to log back in and say hello. I still have week long periods at a time of wanting to die. I'm not sure anything can or will change this. I have things I appreciate and things could be worse, but on the bad days, that's nothing more but a coping mechanism and cop out to continue dragging my own tired ass along for more over accumulating yesteryears. What the fuck.
 
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Deleted member 1465

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Garbage Person said:
@K-O Glad to see you're still alive! Thanks for sharing, I know what I'll be looking into today now.

It's crazy to see how many people are gone since the last time I was here. Suppose it should be expected though. Makes me glad I never usually get overly close to anyone. I'd be lying if I didn't say my own friendship could just be another liability.

I ended up landing another job working as a DSP. It's just a few blocks away from home too, which is nice. It's one less thing to worry about.

I've mostly been struggling with finding joy in things. I'm incredibly bored and some days feel I've done all that I care to. Cycles too repetitive, as that's what they are, and that's all I see and feel in life. Predictable everything, except exactly what will dish out distress on any given future date. I'm not sure what I want, so it's difficult to make a plan. I tend to suck at commitment even if I could stick to a plan for whatever fleeting sense of enjoyment. If I had a long term goal, I'm at an age where I'd be facing death soon by the time anything was achieved. So yeah, it was time to log back in and say hello. I still have week long periods at a time of wanting to die. I'm not sure anything can or will change this. I have things I appreciate and things could be worse, but on the bad days, that's nothing more but a coping mechanism and cop out to continue dragging my own tired ass along for more over accumulating yesteryears. What the fuck.
Nice to see you are still with us GP. Sounds as if you are trudging along as best you can. Not ideal, I can relate, but hey, sometimes its the best we can do.
 
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Garbage Person

Garbage Person

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@Underscore For what it's worth, I'm happy to see you're one of the few long time users that are still making it as well. It is the best I can do, I just hope this sentiment isn't permanent, aside from the obvious detachment through death.
 
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C

Cupcake

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Garbage Person said:
@Underscore For what it's worth, I'm happy to see you're one of the few long time users that are still making it as well. It is the best I can do, I just hope this sentiment isn't permanent, aside from the obvious detachment through death.
You're not alone Nose, I'm always here for you. Just a phone call away!!

I love you Nose and hope those poop up the nose bad feelings go away soon!

NOSE!
 
Garbage Person

Garbage Person

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Haven't posted in my thread in ages. I'm not sure anyone will see this but it's whatever really. So many users gone now. I hope they've all found peace.

I'm still going through the motions of living. I'm probably close to what some would consider non-existent. I've gone through a few jobs since I posted last. For now, I just stay in my apartment unless I need groceries. It's actually pretty great.

I've been going through a major change just trying to improve myself. Quit smoking, cut out the anti-depressants, all drugs, as well as repressing sex drive. Started cooking healthier meals, cut out coffee in favor of unsweetened teas, and started doing cardio, calisthenics, and lifting. If I'm in the mood for games, I play a game of chess just to try to keep my mind a bit sharper and improve my chess game. Only listening to music without lyrics, or at the very least keep it foreign so I can't understand it. I have no desire to be manipulated by the words of others or feed into any emotion that a great deal of modern art will cater to (anger and sadness predominantly). I have more respect for artists that rely solely on their instruments to convey emotion anyway. If I wanted to connect with some tinge of sadness conveyed by another, I'd much rather it be a classical masterpiece of the ages instead of some vapid, mumbling scumbag rapping about their minor inconveniences over lame beats. I rarely watch the news or talk with other's. Television serves as nothing more than a backdrop, opting to read instead of sitting completely dormant, just distracted or entertained by waves of bullshit I've likely already seen a thousand different ways.

It feels great to wake up and not have to leave my place. I found an attorney to take my disability case. I'm kind of just waiting out the process to see how it goes. Luckily, I have an incredible counselor that's giving me tips on how to score the disability payments, same with the attorney. I still hope to find some sort of passion or die trying. Just found a connection for the meto, which is also great. N is my "get out of jail free" card. I refuse to play a role in capitalist games, unless of course I find a way to do it in a manner that doesn't make me hateful. Also have no interest in social games that people play with their cheesy and banal hierarchy. Influenced by so much, I feel like I was rarely encountering originality or independent thought out in the world. No interest in drinking or drugging myself into a deeper, passive haze. It's mostly demons and sheep outside these walls.

Guess that's really all I've got. I feel good. Happy to just be doing "me" for once, this isolation is my saving grace. No matter what happens to me, I'll be just fine, in life and/or in death.

@Cupcake Thanks for always being a great friend. You're the best I've ever known.
 
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Garbage Person

Garbage Person

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It's mind boggling just how easy it is to wake up and be in a foul mood, without much cause. At least these days are more rare than they once were. Part of me wants to exit just to eliminate this placement. With third place non-existent, the second now becomes the new last. I look forward to when the poor, ignorant, and ugly are no longer available to give the current "normal" such a foothold in the hierarchy. Once we're gone, they'll understand. I'm only upset that I won't be here to see their foundation crumble as they're knocked down several pegs, then offer no support as I tell them to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and march along in last place.
 
Garbage Person

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@nopointofliving Thanks for the kind wishes. I'm now better than I was when I wrote last. I ended up sleeping it off, which mostly helped.

I had a terrible dream that left me confused and chilled. I was grocery shopping. I had to have spent what felt like an entire day doing so. Some parts of the dream are hazy looking back. Not sure if I was still working at a group home and doing their shopping as well or if it was all for me. I had started during the day and by the end of the dream it was night. I was pretty much finished and left my cart unattended to grab something a few aisles down that I had forgotten. When I came back, the cart was gone. I started searching the store becoming more panicked as I realized it was just gone. The weather outside the shop showed a storm coming in. I came across an employee and asked him if he had seen my cart or could help me out. He disappeared momentarily and came back. He got very close to me and said "(insert name of ex's stepmom) wanted me to tell you better luck next time". From this point on it was as if someone struck a gong and everything changed. He appeared to have nothing but a look of malice in his eyes with a wide Cheshire grin. All I could hear were people mocking me, and laughter. It seemed like canned laughter pouring through the entire intercom system. I spent a while trying to leave and eventually got out. I exited outside to a pouring rain and roaring thunder. Now I couldn't find my car. All I could hear was thunder and the sounds of numerous people peeling out and yelling at me, occasional maniacal laughter. I woke up at this point. It was awful and I don't want to experience another one like this.

I eventually went back to bed, no dreams that I recall after this. I can't help but feel like I need to leave this state. I also think my subconscious mind is warning me of something, possible that my ex's family is probably pushing her to pursue child support. I've been looking at Idaho, and I think I'll be digging deeper into possibilities there.

I'm going stir crazy, and the idea of getting on disability is becoming less appealing. The long term requirements as well as the toll it will take on me might be too much, with little pay off.
 
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Garbage Person

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@BluesRunTheGame Glad it was well written enough to enjoy it, thanks. It was a total nightmare and the look on his face is still embedded in my memory.

Got a callback today to work in a grow house, trimming marijuana. Hope they want an interview, they seemed interested and positive. Only downside is having to get the vaccine, but at least they pay out a cash reward for doing so. I doubt there's anything wrong with it but it still just seems unnecessary and that alone worries me.

It's a lonely day. Talked to my two friends today but I've been physically alone for going on two years now aside from interacting with cashiers. I guess it's only an issue sometimes. I don't have anything to offer and at least I don't have to entertain anyone. Have to keep that guard up anyway. Took a lot of work to build these walls. No need to tear it all down for a fleeting sense of accompaniment.



For the tombstone

Here lies the future
Inevitable, and just.
Futile the suture
for life's final bust.

If comfort is vital,
console the dust.
Tired our title,
In dirt we trust.
 
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