Definitelyworried

Definitelyworried

Member
Jun 19, 2018
555
I don't know what to do.
Somethings have gotten a little better, but some new problems have arised.
I can't seem to catch a break.
I feel broken and still being overworked.
I hope one day I can be ok with the way things are going, right now I feel really bad and I can't shake it off.
Today I would get waves of feeling ok for like 5 seconds, followed by feelings of intense dread.
My situation seems to be getting worse.
I wish I could stop all my bad feelings.
I know I will be idealizing suicide tonight.
I feel so alone.
 
Gevatsu

Gevatsu

Weak
Jul 15, 2018
66
I don't know what to do.
Somethings have gotten a little better, but some new problems have arised.
I can't seem to catch a break.
I feel broken and still being overworked.
I hope one day I can be ok with the way things are going, right now I feel really bad and I can't shake it off.
Today I would get waves of feeling ok for like 5 seconds, followed by feelings of intense dread.
My situation seems to be getting worse.
I wish I could stop all my bad feelings.
I know I will be idealizing suicide tonight.
I feel so alone.
I'm sorry you're going through all this. Sometimes I feel like life can get better and is worth living, that I could actually make something of myself and that I could do the things I want to do. I know it isn't possible, though. I don't feel like life is real anymore. I'm scared of waking up in an afterlife if I CTB and if I fail again..I just want nothingness.
 
Definitelyworried

Definitelyworried

Member
Jun 19, 2018
555
I'm sorry you're going through all this. Sometimes I feel like life can get better and is worth living, that I could actually make something of myself and that I could do the things I want to do. I know it isn't possible, though. I don't feel like life is real anymore. I'm scared of waking up in an afterlife if I CTB and if I fail again..I just want nothingness.
I could relate to the fear of an afterlife.
I rather want happiness than nothingness, but I rather want nothingness than pain.
But yes an afterlife does scare me if I ctb, but I'm afraid of an even worse afterlife where maybe I won't be able to ctb.
I'm stuck.
Thanks for your reply though.
How do you get by? it's so difficult for me.
 
Gevatsu

Gevatsu

Weak
Jul 15, 2018
66
I could relate to the fear of an afterlife.
I rather want happiness than nothingness, but I rather want nothingness than pain.
But yes an afterlife does scare me if I ctb, but I'm afraid of an even worse afterlife where maybe I won't be able to ctb.
I'm stuck.
Thanks for your reply though.
How do you get by? it's so difficult for me.
I'm a coward, so i avoid any sort of responsibilities or anything I don't like to do. I just give up and tell myself I can't do it. That's how I get by. I'm young so I haven't experienced the real hardships in life. I'm going to make sure I don't have to.
 
Last edited:
Definitelyworried

Definitelyworried

Member
Jun 19, 2018
555
God, my keyboard is garbage. I'm 17 and I'm taking online school now. I quit the same job twice, working less than two weeks both times. I just can't do anything. I'm proud of you. You haven't given up and you fight hard. I don't fight at all.
Thanks I appreciate that, the fight is hard. But I appreciate your encouraging words.
 
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Definitelyworried

Definitelyworried

Member
Jun 19, 2018
555
It sucks because I keep on suffering. Everyone around me thinks I will just suck it up and tough it out. But they don't understand how I feel even though I have tried to explain to them.
If I ever do end up killing myself it will be because of destiny, since I feel even in this I have no control over it.
If I could I would have done it a while ago.
Or better yet, if I really could, I would not be having these thoughts, if I really could, I would be happy.
 
Tiburcio

Tiburcio

Voluntary deletion.
May 9, 2018
1,573
If I could do it I wouldn't even tried to be happy, I would cut my throat when I was 12. Now people think I still want to fight or I don't want to die... If they only understood how fear feels...
 
Definitelyworried

Definitelyworried

Member
Jun 19, 2018
555
If I could do it I wouldn't even tried to be happy, I would cut my throat when I was 12. Now people think I still want to fight or I don't want to die... If they only understood how fear feels...
Yeah I understand people think I want to keep fighting.
I dont.
I gave up already.
I already feel defeated.
I'm just gasping for air right now, cause of my survival instinct.
I'm like a fish out of water gasping.
 
Tiburcio

Tiburcio

Voluntary deletion.
May 9, 2018
1,573
Yeah I understand people think I want to keep fighting.
I dont.
I gave up already.
I already feel defeated.
I'm just gasping for air right now, cause of my survival instinct.
I'm like a fish out of water gasping.
I never was truly interested in life and fighting here feels like wasting energy and time for me.

I can't say I tried it, but I prefer this because life is like it is, and failure would be sure.

Now I'm struggling against the fear, that's the only thing worthy of fight against it.
 
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Rollo

Rollo

No pasaran
Aug 13, 2018
460
I'm a coward, so i avoid any sort of responsibilities or anything I don't like to do. I just give up and tell myself I can't do it. That's how I get by. I'm young so I haven't experienced the real hardships in life. I'm going to make sure I don't have to.

To me it's perfectly healthy to avoid things that you don't like to do. You're working toward your happiness by avoiding it. It's just that in our world it's neccessary to do things you don't like in order to get things you do like. Like in order to get an apple I have to get up and go to a fridge, which may be something I don't want to do at the moment. So to me it's perfectly healthy to choose to stay put even though by choosing so I'm sacrificing the apple eating part. And it's really the same with being a coward. Personally I reserve a right to be a coward and actually do choose to be a coward in many situations. Because I'm sticking for myself here, for my happiness. By not taking the risk. Like recently I bought a yogurt that had two holes poked in it. So it's possible somebody did it on purpose and injected something. Even though most likely it's nothing. Still I chose to toss it just to avoid the risk. Then I could have well chose to eat the damn thing if I felt like it. And I do choose to take risks in many other situations. Because in the end both of these choices are equally healthy to me.
 
Mona

Mona

Oliver
Aug 14, 2018
3
I don't know what to do.
Somethings have gotten a little better, but some new problems have arised.
I can't seem to catch a break.
I feel broken and still being overworked.
I hope one day I can be ok with the way things are going, right now I feel really bad and I can't shake it off.
Today I would get waves of feeling ok for like 5 seconds, followed by feelings of intense dread.
My situation seems to be getting worse.
I wish I could stop all my bad feelings.
I know I will be idealizing suicide tonight.
I feel so alone.
I'm the same. I want it all to end, cutting, attempted hanging. Too scared to overdose. I can only grab the bottle. Some days people can make me happy, and then other days I cry myself to sleep. I trust people to easily and when I bottle up all my feelings and thoughts; I vent to people. Then they use that against me..
 
Gevatsu

Gevatsu

Weak
Jul 15, 2018
66
I'm the same. I want it all to end, cutting, attempted hanging. Too scared to overdose. I can only grab the bottle. Some days people can make me happy, and then other days I cry myself to sleep. I trust people to easily and when I bottle up all my feelings and thoughts; I vent to people. Then they use that against me..
I'm in the same boat, sort of. I just let my thoughts out to everyone.
 
D

DoneFighting

Student
Aug 14, 2018
102
I'm not afraid of death at all. I'm afraid of failing and fucking myself up. I don't want to be a vegetable and more of a burden than I already am. I also don't want the drama of everyone finding out my issues and being Baker acted. I just want to sleep forever.