qwertylmno

qwertylmno

nine millimeter on the side swing it if you like
Jun 10, 2021
63
has anyone heard of/had experience with suicidal OCD? here's one definition of suicidal OCD:
"Suicidal OCD is a term used to refer to a type of OCD which causes the individual to have obsessive thoughts about suicide."

I feel like a lot of the time, my brain is just obsessing about the thought of killing myself. When I'm in a room, anywhere from a restaurant to classroom etc., I'll look around to find things I could kill myself with. I'm always imagining shooting myself in the head. but I'm not actually sure if its suicidal obsession or suicidal ideation. i am suicidal for sure, but it's hard distinguishing moments where i actually want to die vs. my brain can't stop thinking about it for no reason. Even when I'm happy or in a good place, my mind will still stray towards how I could kill myself.
 
L

LittleJem

Enlightened
Jul 3, 2019
1,425
I fantasise about someone shooting me through the window. Sadly unlikely.
 
onceabrightkid

onceabrightkid

Shy
Aug 22, 2021
102
Ocd sucks hard man. It’s been pressuring me to end it since childhood. I don’t wan to suffer from this mental illness anymore.
 
Idontrecognizemyself

Idontrecognizemyself

Thank you for listening
Oct 26, 2021
69
Yes yes yes. This is mainly how I experience suicidality (although not as often right now, my current treatment is helping a little): I'll be going about my day, suddenly I mess something up and I will just fixate on killing myself as punishment. This usually stops any productivity for the rest of the day so I hate when it happens. Usually this fixation includes actual literal self harm (sometimes cutting, ALWAYS food deprivation), or googling how to kill myself, ways to kill myself, what happens to the body when you OD, most painful ways to die, gore, how starvation impacts you permanently, that kind of thing, and I feel this immense guilt and repulsion and obsession until I have a panic attack and eventually fall asleep or get found. I get frustrated by these spirals I don't WANT to die but I am physically incapable of pulling myself out of this funk when it happens. It's embarrassing and I feel disgusting. I applied for this site during one of my spirals, and it has actually been helpful to almost microdose on ctb content, instead of using it to self harm. It is also nice that the first place I think to go now when it happens is a place where people care about me making sane, rational decisions, I sometimes have some nice messages too! And the content here is not written in a way to frighten or guilt me, it has really been good for my heart to be here.
 
qwertylmno

qwertylmno

nine millimeter on the side swing it if you like
Jun 10, 2021
63
Yes yes yes. This is mainly how I experience suicidality (although not as often right now, my current treatment is helping a little): I'll be going about my day, suddenly I mess something up and I will just fixate on killing myself as punishment. This usually stops any productivity for the rest of the day so I hate when it happens. Usually this fixation includes actual literal self harm (sometimes cutting, ALWAYS food deprivation), or googling how to kill myself, ways to kill myself, what happens to the body when you OD, most painful ways to die, gore, how starvation impacts you permanently, that kind of thing, and I feel this immense guilt and repulsion and obsession until I have a panic attack and eventually fall asleep or get found. I get frustrated by these spirals I don't WANT to die but I am physically incapable of pulling myself out of this funk when it happens. It's embarrassing and I feel disgusting. I applied for this site during one of my spirals, and it has actually been helpful to almost microdose on ctb content, instead of using it to self harm. It is also nice that the first place I think to go now when it happens is a place where people care about me making sane, rational decisions, I sometimes have some nice messages too! And the content here is not written in a way to frighten or guilt me, it has really been good for my heart to be here.
YES i get obsessed with suicide videos and photos as well, and my productivity also stops until i unfixate, but usually i have to sleep it off so the day is lost and i have to hope it'll be better tomorrow. the photos and videos are helpful in a weird way. i start feeling uneasy and nauseous so it's a good way of directing my mind elsewhere. "microdosing on ctb content" is a perfect way of putting it. thank you for sharing this.
 
simones

simones

Experienced
Sep 18, 2020
236
It’s such a weird feeling! It feels like an obligation I need to meet
I would have written the same :/ It's like if I don't do ctb I'd be a fool not to listen to myself (sorry for my english)
 
blueclover_.

blueclover_.

Better Never to Have Been: 2006, David Benatar
Oct 11, 2021
384
has anyone heard of/had experience with suicidal OCD? here's one definition of suicidal OCD:
"Suicidal OCD is a term used to refer to a type of OCD which causes the individual to have obsessive thoughts about suicide."

I feel like a lot of the time, my brain is just obsessing about the thought of killing myself. When I'm in a room, anywhere from a restaurant to classroom etc., I'll look around to find things I could kill myself with. I'm always imagining shooting myself in the head. but I'm not actually sure if its suicidal obsession or suicidal ideation. i am suicidal for sure, but it's hard distinguishing moments where i actually want to die vs. my brain can't stop thinking about it for no reason. Even when I'm happy or in a good place, my mind will still stray towards how I could kill myself.
Well i do have OCD so i think this is also the case for me.
 
G

Glovkenspiel

Arcanist
Nov 12, 2021
426
I don’t actually have OCD but I’m certainly thinking about it all the time because I don’t really have anything else to do
 
C

canna2

Member
Nov 20, 2021
87
I have OCD and also obsessive thoughts about suicide too I guess, only it's real and I really wanna do it.

I guess it goes hand in hand, really. I mean, the OCD itself causes you to have suicidal thoughts because it's a handicap in itself.
Depending on the severity of the OCD, it really translates equally in how many suicidal thoughts you have per day.
I have managed to control my OCD more than before but it's still spinning out of control. Showers still take 30 mins+ .. Fixing the dishes takes aeons because I have to clean the same glass 15 times before my brain thinks its clean. And even then, it's not clean according to my dear brain.
Anyone would want to kill themselves with severe OCD. It makes you dumb in the long run as well because it's such a big handicap.
 
Last edited:
G

Glovkenspiel

Arcanist
Nov 12, 2021
426
I have OCD and also obsessive thoughts about suicide too I guess, only it's real and I really wanna do it.

I guess it goes hand in hand, really. I mean, the OCD itself causes you to have suicidal thoughts because it's a handicap in itself.
Depending on the severity of the OCD, it really translates equally in how many suicidal thoughts you have per day.
I have managed to control my OCD more than before but it's still spinning out of control. Showers still take 30 mins+ .. Fixing the dishes takes aeons because I have to clean the same glass 15 times before my brain thinks its clean. And even then, it's not clean according to my dear brain.
Anyone would want to kill themselves with severe OCD. It makes you dumb in the long run as well because it's such a big handicap.
Sounds like OCD.
 
Idontrecognizemyself

Idontrecognizemyself

Thank you for listening
Oct 26, 2021
69
YES i get obsessed with suicide videos and photos as well, and my productivity also stops until i unfixate, but usually i have to sleep it off so the day is lost and i have to hope it'll be better tomorrow. the photos and videos are helpful in a weird way. i start feeling uneasy and nauseous so it's a good way of directing my mind elsewhere. "microdosing on ctb content" is a perfect way of putting it. thank you for sharing this.
Thank you for making a thread for it. This has been such a difficult and embarrassing part of life for me for so many years, it feels good to see the kind responses of you and others and find out I'm not alone. ❣️❣️❣️
 
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blueclover_.

blueclover_.

Better Never to Have Been: 2006, David Benatar
Oct 11, 2021
384
I have OCD and also obsessive thoughts about suicide too I guess, only it's real and I really wanna do it.

I guess it goes hand in hand, really. I mean, the OCD itself causes you to have suicidal thoughts because it's a handicap in itself.
Depending on the severity of the OCD, it really translates equally in how many suicidal thoughts you have per day.
I have managed to control my OCD more than before but it's still spinning out of control. Showers still take 30 mins+ .. Fixing the dishes takes aeons because I have to clean the same glass 15 times before my brain thinks its clean. And even then, it's not clean according to my dear brain.
Anyone would want to kill themselves with severe OCD. It makes you dumb in the long run as well because it's such a big handicap.
Lmao same other people don't get it that i need to do 'rituals' while doing literally anything. I also pick my skin so i wear long sleeves all the time. They'll judge you but they won't even try to understand.
 

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