Aug 18, 2020
My sister is going through a lot recently. I won't go into any details. I can imagine it can be pretty pretty agonizing. She has lost a person who she relied on and she has lets say financial problems.

She has found new friends who care for her. I am not sure how to approach her and what to say. We are not that close. Though it feels bad not helping her. But I am also busy by my struggle. My mom asked me whether I have time for meeting her. I told her no I have to do stuff for college. And I feel manic currently. I need time for myself. But I think I will soon write her a message.

My mom asked whether I have the time for her because she says she is in a condition where she in unable to cope with physical loneliness. I think I once was in a similar state. Saying this sounds kind of suicidal. Because what happens if you are despite your inability physically alone? I have talked with my sister about how we differently perceive mental illness. And my sister seems to be quite resistent to suicidal thoughts. When I told her I am suicidal she was confused. Why should one wanna give up the most precious thing one has: your own life.....yeah I was once again quite puzzled how I can be a relative of these people.

But I know this sentiment. On different levels. I was unable to be alone because I was acute suicidal and made some preperations for killing me. I am glad I did not attempt at this time. I barely knew anything. My methods would rather have led to longterm damage.
I went to the psych ward. In my country we differentiate between open and closed psych wards. Not sure how it is called in other countries. But the life quality in an open psych ward is way way better. Because I went voluntarily there I was allowed to go to the open psych ward. Despite I tried some partial etc.

I told this story many times before. But there was a therapist for me and I was the only patient (for some time). The other ones were on a trip (yes in a psych ward which is a little bit weird...) The therapist was an amazing looking young woman. Very religious and very patiently with me. I suffered extremely. I had this unbelievable psychosomatic pain. I could not cope with it. I was very suicidal. But it helped that I could vent when she was around. I think we were metaphysically in different dimensions. She thought I must be pretty lonely because I talked without making any breaks. But honestly the pain was this bad that I had to talk about every single agonizing torturous second. Yes to that time I was unable to be alone. Otherwise I might have killed myself or at least would have tried it.

But there is different similar feeling. One is existential loneliness and on the other hand alienation and societal loneliness/isolation. I was often alone in the last years. My mental illness was very crippling. Physically I am often alone. I barely have physical contact with anyone. I am not sure but I have adapted to it. The mental, social or metaphysical loneliness is way worse. This forum is a good place to feel less lonely for me. In the evenings I always feel the worst. And writting here is kind of comforting. I have the feeling when I write here my consciousness connects with consciousnesses from all over the world. The internet is an exciting invention isn't it? I know writters who say it is an honor of having this job. Though I don't get any money for it I profit a lot from writting about my emotions.

Yeah I want to emphasize the social-isloation which can be very crippling. I have now more contact than in the past. However many contacts are quite superficial and I don't like superficial relaitonships. I have a deep bond with my best friends though. I can say the social-isolation was bad for my sanity. I really was kind of insane to a certain time. I also did not take any medicatin which was detrimental for my mental health. Internet connections are not a perfect substiitute for real life contacts. I had to learn that.

But I also need time for myself. I think being alone can sometimes be relaxing. During the times when I was in clinics the fact I had not much privacy was kind of burdensome. Though in some clinics there were rooms for people who needed silence. Yeah I spent a lot of time there.
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Being alive hurts. I want to die. I hate life.
Apr 6, 2021
I can't handle loneliness.. Isolation.. But I can't and don't want friends. I don't want to be hurt. I don't want to pretend.. Et alia. So I have no choice. Thank god I'm gonna die, though. As I've experienced it, loneliness is one of the worst sufferings imaginable. I've never realised how.. The things I used to have - friends, love, attention - are things that.. Are just up to chance. As much as water, and shelter are human needs, many live without them because.. They're privileges, for the lucky ones. Friends, love, attention, a sense of belonging.. It's for the lucky ones.