AnxietyHangover

AnxietyHangover

Consumed
Aug 20, 2022
30
I salute you, fellow broken people,


It's interesting that I was able to find this place. After reading some posts I know I can relate to most of you here.
I've been dealing with personal struggles since I was a little kid in kindergarten. Nobody liked me, dealt with an abusive teacher that incited the other kids to abuse me, you could say that it's been rough since day one. I've always been a loner, never really enjoyed the company of others. I've been disappointed with this world for as far as I can remember. I was blessed with a good mother and a good father, but arguments never ceased to exist in our family because of external sources. I remember my middle school self once said: "How long am I going to be the referee of this shitshow?". I had hopes that meeting new people through school and other places will finally lead to better experiences but it turns out I was horribly wrong. I never encountered a person that I could call friend. Never. When I was younger I was able to manage this social problem better, but as I'm aging and approaching my 30s, it's only getting worse mentally speaking. In highschool I was speaking to like 3 people, but nothing close, only speaking, so I wouldn't stay mute all day. I felt very isolated. To add insult to injury, after I finished my studies I needed to move to a different city, all by myself. Once again I hoped for a better time, and yet again I was burned. Not only burned, but now a new issue arrived: total loneliness. This complete loneliness really degraded my mental health to the point where I had months where I was contemplating and researching ctb methods almost daily. I felt my sanity going away bit by bit. I have a depression history in my family. As you would guess it didn't help my situation. I've dealt with resignations, and issues finding a new job. Again these really eroded my mental health further. These past two years I feel like I reached my absolute lowest point in life. My family is far away, and I'm all by myself, just following this robotic routine of going to work and coming back home to sleep. Nothing more than that. I feel like there's nothing worth to live for. I started having terrible anxiety attacks, I remember my first resignation, I felt like I was going to collapse. All my dreams of getting better ended up the other way around. I thought about changing my ways, but it never paid off, and I am so antisocial and introverted that I feel like I don't want to deal with people anymore. I've grown to hate people. I've done so much good stuff for people expecting nothing in return, and all I ever received back was grief. This past year I think I discovered another mental issue that I might have. For example, yesterday, in the span of an hour I felt extremely sad, then happy, then sad again, and it isn't the first time it happens. There's a storm in my head. I feel like I'm on the edge, and I decided to end it all this year. I can't imagine spending another year of living with these struggles. I feel sorry for my family for when it happens, but I have to think about myself at least once in my life. They are the only reason for staying alive all of these years. If it wasn't for them, as shaky as our family mood is, I wouldn't have been alive to tell this story. But with them far away, I feel like I don't want to fight this battle. I have no personal satisfactions. Only grim thoughts. 5 minutes of joy, and 5 days of sadness. I don't want to seek help, I don't need anybody's help. I will help myself when the time is right, and it will be soon enough.

If you've read this through, thank you.
 
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FuneralCry

FuneralCry

Wish that I was gone
Sep 24, 2020
15,004
It really is such a cruel existence and it sounds like you have been through a lot. Your feelings about wanting to leave this world are understandable. I know that it can be so dreadful having to endure life when you don’t want to be here. I hope that you find freedom from your suffering. Best wishes.
 
Wilting Daisy

Wilting Daisy

Loves Me, Loves Me Not
Aug 15, 2022
70
When I was younger I was able to manage this social problem better, but as I'm aging and approaching my 30s, it's only getting worse mentally speaking.

I've dealt with resignations, and issues finding a new job.
I started having terrible anxiety attacks, I remember my first resignation, I felt like I was going to collapse. All my dreams of getting better ended up the other way around. I thought about changing my ways, but it never paid off, and I am so antisocial and introverted that I feel like I don't want to deal with people anymore.

I have no personal satisfactions. Only grim thoughts. 5 minutes of joy, and 5 days of sadness.
Making friends as an adult is hard. Anyone who says otherwise is probably selling something.

I relate to having issues holding down a job. I'm quite sensitive and struggle with emotional regulation. It makes me so vulnerable to what others say and do. I hold myself a little celebration if I can make it to the 6 month mark of any job because I let people get in my head and eat me alive. I'm always asking my supervisors how to get a tougher skin. They tell me it's all about learning what to let roll off your back and what's actually worth your time and concern.

What brings you those 5 minutes of joy?
 
AnxietyHangover

AnxietyHangover

Consumed
Aug 20, 2022
30
Making friends as an adult is hard. Anyone who says otherwise is probably selling something.

I relate to having issues holding down a job. I'm quite sensitive and struggle with emotional regulation. It makes me so vulnerable to what others say and do. I hold myself a little celebration if I can make it to the 6 month mark of any job because I let people get in my head and eat me alive. I'm always asking my supervisors how to get a tougher skin. They tell me it's all about learning what to let roll off your back and what's actually worth your time and concern.

What brings you those 5 minutes of joy?
When I happen to be happy, it's because of the small things. I am a simple person. I don't like fancy, extravagant things. It's been a while since I've been able to enjoy something to the fullest. My happiness is cut short all the time. It's all in my head. I've had moments recently where I started shedding tears. It hasn't happened to me before. I used to believe that I am a strong person. Probably not anymore. I had problems with my first jobs. I was treated poorly and taken advantage of. The irony is that right now I have a good job where I am appreciated, but for some reason I can't be happy about it, I feel like happiness is a feeling that started to evade me. I stopped looking forward to things. I hate existence. Nobody asked me if I want to be born or live. If there was a button to renounce life I wouldn't press it, I would smash my fist against it. I feel lost, and there's nobody I can tell how I feel. Nobody around me understands. And, in a way, they make me feel bad about it.
It really is such a cruel existence and it sounds like you have been through a lot. Your feelings about wanting to leave this world are understandable. I know that it can be so dreadful having to endure life when you don’t want to be here. I hope that you find freedom from your suffering. Best wishes.
I feel empty. I feel like even if the issues I have would miraculously be solved I still wouldn't be able to enjoy life. I feel like I've gone past a certain point that nothing would make me feel better. I'm living out of inertia right now. I wonder how long it will last me.
 
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AnxietyHangover

AnxietyHangover

Consumed
Aug 20, 2022
30
Since my last post I've been thinking everyday about what seems to be the inevitable. I feel so empty. I've lost my love for everything. Even my parents' caress stopped helping. I've never felt so lost. Life is truly unbearable right now. Even the warmth of the sun feels colder now. I tried to change my mind but ended up being more inclined to do the unspeakable. I am afraid doing the thing has a good chance of giving my mother a heart attack. But i can't go on like this. My mental disorders have consumed me to the point where if i had the means to end it all i would end it right now. Never struggled so hard in my life, and with each passing day it feels even harder. Troubles started piling up on me. Why can't I have it easy at least once in my life?
 
freedompass

freedompass

Arcanist
Jan 27, 2021
495
When I happen to be happy, it's because of the small things. I am a simple person. I don't like fancy, extravagant things. It's been a while since I've been able to enjoy something to the fullest. My happiness is cut short all the time. It's all in my head. I've had moments recently where I started shedding tears. It hasn't happened to me before. I used to believe that I am a strong person. Probably not anymore. I had problems with my first jobs. I was treated poorly and taken advantage of. The irony is that right now I have a good job where I am appreciated, but for some reason I can't be happy about it, I feel like happiness is a feeling that started to evade me. I stopped looking forward to things. I hate existence. Nobody asked me if I want to be born or live. If there was a button to renounce life I wouldn't press it, I would smash my fist against it. I feel lost, and there's nobody I can tell how I feel. Nobody around me understands. And, in a way, they make me feel bad about it.

I feel empty. I feel like even if the issues I have would miraculously be solved I still wouldn't be able to enjoy life. I feel like I've gone past a certain point that nothing would make me feel better. I'm living out of inertia right now. I wonder how long it will last me.
Can’t tell you how much I relate to everything you’ve written. Kills me how people generally seem to make this massive assumption that life is fucking great lol. That because our goddamn parents decided to fuck one night dragging us out of non existence in the process, that means we want to be here or have any investment in living whatsoever? It kills us because there is zero acknowledgement of how we actually feel, it’s gotta be the loneliest feeling in the world. Essentially gagged by the taboo around suicide there is nothing left for us but to simulate a person while essentially a zombie inside, I swear I am actually fucking dead at this point!
Since my last post I've been thinking everyday about what seems to be the inevitable. I feel so empty. I've lost my love for everything. Even my parents' caress stopped helping. I've never felt so lost. Life is truly unbearable right now. Even the warmth of the sun feels colder now. I tried to change my mind but ended up being more inclined to do the unspeakable. I am afraid doing the thing has a good chance of giving my mother a heart attack. But i can't go on like this. My mental disorders have consumed me to the point where if i had the means to end it all i would end it right now. Never struggled so hard in my life, and with each passing day it feels even harder. Troubles started piling up on me. Why can't I have it easy at least once in my life?
You really do express it so well but honestly I hate that you and so many others suffer like this…no one will ever convince me that there is any value in suffering whatsoever…battling adversity may be good but suffering just eats the soul until we’re reduced to a husk. And you know what convinces me more than anything that this life is evil? We grew from the spontaneous, curious innocence and trust of early childhood…to this 😕
 
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AnxietyHangover

AnxietyHangover

Consumed
Aug 20, 2022
30
Can’t tell you how much I relate to everything you’ve written. Kills me how people generally seem to make this massive assumption that life is fucking great lol. That because our goddamn parents decided to fuck one night dragging us out of non existence in the process, that means we want to be here or have any investment in living whatsoever? It kills us because there is zero acknowledgement of how we actually feel, it’s gotta be the loneliest feeling in the world. Essentially gagged by the taboo around suicide there is nothing left for us but to simulate a person while essentially a zombie inside, I swear I am actually fucking dead at this point!
You are speaking the truth. Suddenly if you have a job, what to eat and where to sleep life should be great. It isn't. This lonely feeling degraded my mental health to the point where I would do it right now if i had the means in front of me. I've never felt so infuriated by life. I've dreamt of a peaceful, complete life where there wouldn't be loneliness and pain. That seems so far away and I'm so torn and beaten inside that even if these things happened i wouldn't even smile.
And another frustration I have with this life that got me to this state is that I've never encountered a person outside of my family to call friend. I remember being a kid and wanting to have a sincere friendship with someone only to get betrayed and mocked left and right.

I also wished for a loyal partner to spend the rest of my life with. I have so much love and warmth and sincerity to give but there is nobody for me. I feel like I'm too wasted to feel anything at all. I've become cold. A shell of what i once was. I'm not even 30 and i feel so drained of life and the willingness to do anything that i don't even know why I'm still breathing. I hate this world. It crushed my soul to pieces.
 
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AnxietyHangover

AnxietyHangover

Consumed
Aug 20, 2022
30
I wanted to give myself a chance but I ended up even more miserable. I reached the point of no return. I made my mind that I will order the SN next month. Basically, I have 2-3 months left to live. Having a release date feels refreshing. If I fail in acquiring the SN I'll just hang myself. So fucking annoyed that N is so hard to get. Why can't we have peace when we reach this sad conclusion of our lives?
 
O

outrider567

Paragon
Apr 5, 2022
949
When I happen to be happy, it's because of the small things. I am a simple person. I don't like fancy, extravagant things. It's been a while since I've been able to enjoy something to the fullest. My happiness is cut short all the time. It's all in my head. I've had moments recently where I started shedding tears. It hasn't happened to me before. I used to believe that I am a strong person. Probably not anymore. I had problems with my first jobs. I was treated poorly and taken advantage of. The irony is that right now I have a good job where I am appreciated, but for some reason I can't be happy about it, I feel like happiness is a feeling that started to evade me. I stopped looking forward to things. I hate existence. Nobody asked me if I want to be born or live. If there was a button to renounce life I wouldn't press it, I would smash my fist against it. I feel lost, and there's nobody I can tell how I feel. Nobody around me understands. And, in a way, they make me feel bad about it.

I feel empty. I feel like even if the issues I have would miraculously be solved I still wouldn't be able to enjoy life. I feel like I've gone past a certain point that nothing would make me feel better. I'm living out of inertia right now. I wonder how long it will last me.
'I feel empty, nothing would make feel better' yes the same--Its a sunny windy pretty day here, but its still depressingly dark inside my brain
 
Nightbird

Nightbird

Member
Sep 14, 2022
12
Your story resonates so deeply with me. You describe experienced and feelings in ways that I have described my own - even with the same words! I have no idea how to make friendships with parity — not the one-way, score-keeping ties that mimic those I have with my parents & sibling, and which make me feel like a servant and a dumping ground — so I don’t bother anymore. Loneliness is brutal.
 
hope'less'girl

hope'less'girl

Happy Unbirthday
Oct 12, 2021
359
I read it all. One question, why can't you move back to where your family lives? My brother moved in with me. Changed my life
 
AnxietyHangover

AnxietyHangover

Consumed
Aug 20, 2022
30
I read it all. One question, why can't you move back to where your family lives? My brother moved in with me. Changed my life
Because this is where I work. I would have to quit my job which would ravage me even harder. I worked hard to get employed again, waited for one year, one year of desperation.
 
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Reactions: hope'less'girl
M

makethepainstop

Wizard
Sep 16, 2022
656
I salute you, fellow broken people,


It's interesting that I was able to find this place. After reading some posts I know I can relate to most of you here.
I've been dealing with personal struggles since I was a little kid in kindergarten. Nobody liked me, dealt with an abusive teacher that incited the other kids to abuse me, you could say that it's been rough since day one. I've always been a loner, never really enjoyed the company of others. I've been disappointed with this world for as far as I can remember. I was blessed with a good mother and a good father, but arguments never ceased to exist in our family because of external sources. I remember my middle school self once said: "How long am I going to be the referee of this shitshow?". I had hopes that meeting new people through school and other places will finally lead to better experiences but it turns out I was horribly wrong. I never encountered a person that I could call friend. Never. When I was younger I was able to manage this social problem better, but as I'm aging and approaching my 30s, it's only getting worse mentally speaking. In highschool I was speaking to like 3 people, but nothing close, only speaking, so I wouldn't stay mute all day. I felt very isolated. To add insult to injury, after I finished my studies I needed to move to a different city, all by myself. Once again I hoped for a better time, and yet again I was burned. Not only burned, but now a new issue arrived: total loneliness. This complete loneliness really degraded my mental health to the point where I had months where I was contemplating and researching ctb methods almost daily. I felt my sanity going away bit by bit. I have a depression history in my family. As you would guess it didn't help my situation. I've dealt with resignations, and issues finding a new job. Again these really eroded my mental health further. These past two years I feel like I reached my absolute lowest point in life. My family is far away, and I'm all by myself, just following this robotic routine of going to work and coming back home to sleep. Nothing more than that. I feel like there's nothing worth to live for. I started having terrible anxiety attacks, I remember my first resignation, I felt like I was going to collapse. All my dreams of getting better ended up the other way around. I thought about changing my ways, but it never paid off, and I am so antisocial and introverted that I feel like I don't want to deal with people anymore. I've grown to hate people. I've done so much good stuff for people expecting nothing in return, and all I ever received back was grief. This past year I think I discovered another mental issue that I might have. For example, yesterday, in the span of an hour I felt extremely sad, then happy, then sad again, and it isn't the first time it happens. There's a storm in my head. I feel like I'm on the edge, and I decided to end it all this year. I can't imagine spending another year of living with these struggles. I feel sorry for my family for when it happens, but I have to think about myself at least once in my life. They are the only reason for staying alive all of these years. If it wasn't for them, as shaky as our family mood is, I wouldn't have been alive to tell this story. But with them far away, I feel like I don't want to fight this battle. I have no personal satisfactions. Only grim thoughts. 5 minutes of joy, and 5 days of sadness. I don't want to seek help, I don't need anybody's help. I will help myself when the time is right, and it will be soon enough.

If you've read this through, thank you.
OF course, I read it through! I wish I was with you and could hug you for about five minutes and talk to you. I do know how you suffered, got a lots of the same in my life!
 
AnxietyHangover

AnxietyHangover

Consumed
Aug 20, 2022
30
Your story resonates so deeply with me. You describe experienced and feelings in ways that I have described my own - even with the same words! I have no idea how to make friendships with parity — not the one-way, score-keeping ties that mimic those I have with my parents & sibling, and which make me feel like a servant and a dumping ground — so I don’t bother anymore. Loneliness is brutal.
My life is marked by this kind of "friendships". Basically, while I was in uni and these people needed my help to pass their exams, I was kind of good for them. After we finished uni they forgot that I exist. I moved on, but I will never forget this. People care about you as long as you provide for them. When there is no use, they simply forget you exist.
OF course, I read it through! I wish I was with you and could hug you for about five minutes and talk to you. I do know how you suffered, got a lots of the same in my life!
Truth is nobody apart from my family ever hugged me. I don't know how it feels like to be hugged by a stranger or someone who is not your relative.
I salute back to you!

Solitude can be horrible. Loneliness is detrimental to the well-being, for most people.
As days pass by I feel the consequences harder and harder. Loneliness is a punishment for me, but at the same time I've grown to dislike people. I live in this contradiction where I hate people, but I hate loneliness as well.
 
AnxietyHangover

AnxietyHangover

Consumed
Aug 20, 2022
30
Alright, so it's been a while since my last visit here. Met someone, even had the first date, we've been chatting a lot, but I still can't find peace within myself. It all seems good, and things seem to progress well, but there is always this fear that I will screw up or that one day she'd have enough of me. I told her about my issues and the way I am, and she is supportive, but I always fear that I will do something wrong, I always tell her this and she keeps responding positively, but I don't know, there is just something that consumes me. I always tell her sorry if I am not behaving as I should or if I am sending too many messages, or if I talk way too much when we meet, and she always says there is no problem, but I feel like something is wrong... I can't find happiness even with this one thing I thought would solve my issues. I still feel suicidal and I'm still picturing in my head how I am taking the poison and dying, I see this picture so often that I don't feel anything at all. I still want to carry on with my plan even when there seems to be positive things happening in my life. Is this the moment when I realize I am truly lost?