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Aug 4, 2018
Sex and drinking/drinking whilst socialising.

The second I leave a partner/friends to go home, it's like the psychological floodgates are released and the need to CTB destroys me :(

(Oh and seeing my nephew makes me happy, forgot to add that)


Just call me "v" or "vee"
Oct 17, 2018
I have so many things that make me happy, but it's basically the equivalent of cleaning a nuclear fallout with a cotton swab.
It's part of what makes it even more annoying, under the circumstances I have no reason to be this way. Awful mentality, but it's the way I was raised and I'm still working on killing the part of me my family made so I may finally finish the job the lump in my stomach has started.


Apr 27, 2018
Being relaxed.

I haven't mastered any magic mindull meditative process ....

( haven't even tried , beyond a few self affirming mantras ... )

But sometimes , to be in my own existence with all the usual bullshit turned down ,
just 'being' without the vigilance of paranoid worry ...

Such a relief .

I think it's what 'normality' might be like .

I've stopped booze and dope.
Over the past week I've smoked a couple of leaf joints .

They were mild on the psychoactive front , although I felt that old familiar rush of imagination
combined with a sense of self affirming validity in 'being myself' in a 'creative' zone.

I noticed yesterday that the effect wasn't that pronounced and that the tolerance was building ,
( a sense of a hangover , muzzy mind fog the next day .)

But on the positive side , the sense of 'being in the moment' and playing some music ,
took me back to the highest points of my youth when music was so special , but so under nourished .

So , for me , a bit stoned into matteringness meaning and sensual enjoyment of music .

Being in that relaxed piano resonating fascination and enjoyment with the minutiae of sonic vibrations
and the potential for where it may lead ... awesome.

( The storms of self accusing incompetence shrilling harpies quickly gather of course ... with their all too accurate criticisms ...
but those moments of relaxed at oneness with me in that world are a joy . )


Beyond solace
Jun 30, 2018
In essence it's money. Because all that makes me happy is available for purchase.

I used to think differently but now that i've blown all my money on the pursuit of happiness it's very clear to me how it all works. (Obviously this doesn't work the same for people with a severe illness ... This is just my personal experience)


Sep 19, 2018
N if I can ever get ahold of it. Things don’t make me “happy” per se. They just offer a tad bit of relief from suffering. Those are - alcohol, food, and video games (when I am not too depressed out of my mind).


Aug 27, 2018
Watching game play walkthroughs from video games from my childhood but it´s a bittersweet feeling and I have a video of me as a child where my sister and father teases me about a song I had made for MGP (danish music show for kids like X-Factor kind of) While I watch that video I will find myself with a huge smile on my face I just can´t stop smiling because I was so happy back then.

I have also started looking into Lucid Dreaming because we spend 1/3 of our lives asleep so if I could use that time doing whatever I want I could at least live the life I dream of in my dreams until I ctb.


Mar 31, 2018
Shingeki no Kyojin, despite being a sad "story" set in a very cruel world. I don't know why, it just brings me peace.

My dog's cuteness and kindness.



Cold weather.


Aug 25, 2018
I hate eating food but I really enjoy drinking caramel frappuccino and milk tea boba.
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