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nohopeforethefuture

nohopeforethefuture

I deserve to die
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This is just a vent - they didnt have that tag…

My therapist thinks I have ARFID and wants to set me up with a dietician. I have tossed the idea of a dietician around in the past so despite not thinking I have ARFID, decided to go along with it.

But she wanted me to call my insurance and make sure the dietician she liked was in network. I am shy about calling because I dont know what the hell I’m doing so after a while I chatted my insurance but was told that two different types of nutritional dieticians were covered for very specific reasons. But I didnt know to ask if that specific place was in network, so after a call from my therapist I had to go back to my insurance - this time they said they were out of network completely.

Dietician emails me and asks for my insurance and tells me they are in network. Therapist has me call again and they say that the practice is in network with my insurance, but my specific plan doesnt cover the dietician. So my therapist calls my insurance and gets a single name and phone number for a nutritional dietician that is in network for me, but wants me to call her and schedule an appointment because if they are full she wants to force my insurance to go with the in/out of network dietician she likes.

I call this place but the name they give me doesnt exist there. Therapist told me to call back and get any dietician name. So I call back and they say they have no dieticians, just a nutritionist. Therapist tells me sometimes they are interchangeable, but to call my insurance again and get accurate info. I call my insurance with my therapist today during our session and the insurance lady gives me 4 names. Name #1 doesnt work there. Name #2 you can only schedule if you have them as a primary care doctor with a referral. Name #3 I left a message for. Name #4 they told me that I had to double check with my insurance after I got a referral because sometimes the specific codes can be “out of network”.

I dont know what a referral is. I dont know how to get one. I dont really know what I’m asking for, I dont know what an RD is, I didnt even know “billing codes” were a thing and thought they were zip codes. I hate all of this. I spend my therapy sessions with these calls because I wont do them by myself because I have NO IDEA WHAT I’M DOING. I get questions I dont know the answer to and so when I do do them on my own I never get the correct information. Why can’t my therapist do this??? She’s the one that wants to set me up with a dietician. At this point I want to just quit. I have horrible follow through anyways and I have told my therapist I probably wont be able to do what a dietician wants me to do anyways. But she insists. I hate this. I dislike my therapist but I wont be getting a new one anytime soon because this is already my 3rd one this year. Honestly…none of this is worth it.
 
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Moonomyth

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You're right, they should be doing this. But a decentralized, private-insurance based system with complicated requirements is profitable for the insurer for exactly the reasons you're experiencing.

Fuck 'em. It's always worth it. Make them pay what they owe you.
 
financialrhino

financialrhino

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Welcome to the medical system lol.

But to answer a few of your questions:

A referral is a licensed medical practioner formally referring you to another medical practioner. In most cases, you need a referral to see any specialist unless you can pay straight cash. Most referrals have to come from your primary care doctor.

A RD is a registered dietician which is actual job that needs a license. There is no formal nutritionist license I think. You'd want to see an RD if you have an eating disorder.

A billing code is a code needed by insurance so they can cover the service. It basically tells them what services you received. This is something that your medical provider should be handling, not you.

Honestly, the easier thing imo would be to go to your primary care doctor to get a referral because it'd definitely be in network for your insurance.
 
nohopeforethefuture

nohopeforethefuture

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Moonomyth said:
You're right, they should be doing this. But a decentralized, private-insurance based system with complicated requirements is profitable for the insurer for exactly the reasons you're experiencing.

Fuck 'em. It's always worth it. Make them pay what they owe you.
Thanks for commenting. Been having a real rough day because of this. <3
financialrhino said:
Welcome to the medical system lol.

But to answer a few of your questions:

A referral is a licensed medical practioner formally referring you to another medical practioner. In most cases, you need a referral to see any specialist unless you can pay straight cash. Most referrals have to come from your primary care doctor.

A RD is a registered dietician which is actual job that needs a license. There is no formal nutritionist license I think. You'd want to see an RD if you have an eating disorder.

A billing code is a code needed by insurance so they can cover the service. It basically tells them what services you received. This is something that your medical provider should be handling, not you.

Honestly, the easier thing imo would be to go to your primary care doctor to get a referral because it'd definitely be in network for your insurance.
Thank you so much for commenting. This has been stressing me out for weeks and it just gets worse for me every session.

I actually have a doctors appointment on Friday that my therapist helped me set up (although not 100% sure what I’m going for). Can I ask for a referral while I’m there? This will be my first time going to the doctor by myself since college (2nd time ever on my own - I’m 25F).

If i did ask for a referral…how would I? My therapist, while she does sit with me in sessions to make calls, has no problem telling me to do things I dont know how to do. Maybe I should have learned this all somewhere… i just feel like the middle man… I want to just ask my therapist to get a referral for me because this is her world and not mine.

Thank you for all the definitions btw - I feel a little less lost. I keep being given billing codes so I can check with my insurance to see if those billing codes are in network…but again I just feel so out of the loop that I dont really understand exactly what I’m asking and I dont understand the answers. At this point I dont even want a dietician as I dont think this process has been worth it at all. My therapist keeps saying “after we get all this set up we’ll have ‘normal’ therapy sessions” but…I really dont like her at all and none of what has been happening is making me want to open up to her about anything. I just hate this process so much and I dont feel like any of this is helping. Especially not therapists.

On a side note…my therapist said there were like “stages” of therapy. And I guess she thought I was in the “action” stage which I am not at all. I dont even know if I’m in a space where I think therapy will help at all but here I am - and she doesnt really seem to understand how that could be possible. But what am I supposed to do when I need therapy? She pisses me off with the way she is but if I quit now I will never go back. This is just all feeling very hopeless and I hate everything. Sorry for more ranting…its been a pretty bad day…
 
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mossyfox

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No, this is more something that you would handle, however you would just go to your primary and get a referral to a registered dietician because they have your insurance and usually find someone your insurance covers.

If there was an issue, you would be the one making these calls and handling it, but it wouldn't be this messy and the person on the phone would walk you through it and help you. Whatever solutions they offer, you would take.

The problem is your therapist keeps throwing a wrench in the mix because she is insisting you see a specific person. Probably getting a sizable kickback if she is wasting so much therapy time trying to get you set up with this dietician.

You should not be picking a dietician with your therapist and running in circles. No matter how annoying and frustrating it is, you should get another therapist.
 
nohopeforethefuture

nohopeforethefuture

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mossyfox said:
No, this is more something that you would handle, however you would just go to your primary and get a referral to a registered dietician because they have your insurance and usually find someone your insurance covers.

If there was an issue, you would be the one making these calls and handling it, but it wouldn't be this messy and the person on the phone would walk you through it and help you. Whatever solutions they offer, you would take.

The problem is your therapist keeps throwing a wrench in the mix because she is insisting you see a specific person. Probably getting a sizable kickback if she is wasting so much therapy time trying to get you set up with this dietician.

You should not be picking a dietician with your therapist and running in circles. No matter how annoying and frustrating it is, you should get another therapist.
Thank you for the reply. Honestly, thinking or knowing that I would have to handle all the problems myself just makes me never want to do anything like this. Its complicated, and once things get too complicated I just shut down which is what I’m already doing because of this process. Maybe its because I dont know how to “adult” and can’t or dont want to “grow up” and just handle it.

I am the type of person who needs to be shown exactly how to do something first and then I will learn. Being told how wont stick, and I definitely wont figure it out on my own. I’ve never had to do anything like this before and its just making me want to quit the whole process. This is way too much for me. I feel like maybe I’m just not ready for therapy, but I know I never will be so I dont see any good solutions.

And I can’t find a new therapist right now…I just wont. It took a lot to even change therapists last time and thats only because money was becoming a factor. I wouldn’t have any good reasons or be able to verbalize exactly why I want to change. I’m so over this process and if its not helping then nothing is going to help.

Maybe its just that people so [willfully] inept like me just shouldnt be around. I dont really feel like I belong here and I can’t do anything so nothing is going to change. I dont want to be here since its apparent I just can’t function properly in this world…
 
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mossyfox

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No, nothing you are describing is abnormal in terms of functioning properly. This is incredibly common, especially when it comes to calling doctors and medical billers. It's a steep learning curve and sometimes there are rude ass people on the other line who purposefully make you feel like an idiot so they feel smart and happy about themselves and their job.

This is also why mothers often get stuck in the role of making doctors appts for the kids, because they learned the whole process during pregnancy visits and for the infant check-ups. When a dad tries to help out, sometimes they are tempted to give up because it's such an annoying, difficult process, and the mom already knows it.

I myself have skipped many doctor visits and taken long breaks because after scheduling my monthly psych stuff, therapy appts, physical therapy, kids various therapy appts, doctor appts, school appts, special Ed appts, work meetings, meetings with contractors for the house, meetings with lawyers for custody shit and a shit ton of other things that come up randomly I feel like fucking exploding. I start canceling shit left and right before I jump off a building right then and there and decline all the fucking calls blowing up my phone and ignore all the voicemails, reminder texts, confirm your appt texts and emails. I mean, I get it, that shit gets overwhelming fast and that's before getting into the money aspect and calling billing departments about mistakes and blah blah blah.

I don't blame you for taking a break. This therapist fucked up by stressing you out.
 
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nohopeforethefuture

nohopeforethefuture

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mossyfox said:
No, nothing you are describing is abnormal in terms of functioning properly. This is incredibly common, especially when it comes to calling doctors and medical billers. It's a steep learning curve and sometimes there are rude ass people on the other line who purposefully make you feel like an idiot so they feel smart and happy about themselves and their job.

This is also why mothers often get stuck in the role of making doctors appts for the kids, because they learned the whole process during pregnancy visits and for the infant check-ups. When a dad tries to help out, sometimes they are tempted to give up because it's such an annoying, difficult process, and the mom already knows it.

I myself have skipped many doctor visits and taken long breaks because after scheduling my monthly psych stuff, therapy appts, physical therapy, kids various therapy appts, doctor appts, school appts, special Ed appts, work meetings, meetings with contractors for the house, meetings with lawyers for custody shit and a shit ton of other things that come up randomly I feel like fucking exploding. I start canceling shit left and right before I jump off a building right then and there and decline all the fucking calls blowing up my phone and ignore all the voicemails, reminder texts, confirm your appt texts and emails. I mean, I get it, that shit gets overwhelming fast and that's before getting into the money aspect and calling billing departments about mistakes and blah blah blah.

I don't blame you for taking a break. This therapist fucked up by stressing you out.
Well, I think people should be able to handle this either way... I dont think my therapist is intentionally rude, I think she’s just clueless and doesn’t understand. And if I “take a break” from therapy, I will never go back. It took so long to even get in therapy because I was so back and forth and unable to call and do stuff on my own. My best friend helped me through it all and even attended my first appointment with me. Now I’ve exhausted his goodwill and patience and help and he barely talks to me anymore, let alone wants or has time to see me.

Your mother analogy is probably correct. My mom made all of our appointments growing up but I never had any issues so I only ever went in for the standard shots with one or two other visits while my sisters could probably check themselves into a hospital on their own by now. I dont have kids, and I’m definitely not having one.

Maybe this is just my fucked up opinion, but I dont think people who can’t handle life should be able to live. Its too much work and it stresses everyone out. Better to just…avoid all this misery and accept that nothing can be done.
 
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mossyfox

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nohopeforethefuture said:
Well, I think people should be able to handle this either way... I dont think my therapist is intentionally rude, I think she’s just clueless and doesn’t understand. And if I “take a break” from therapy, I will never go back. It took so long to even get in therapy because I was so back and forth and unable to call and do stuff on my own. My best friend helped me through it all and even attended my first appointment with me. Now I’ve exhausted his goodwill and patience and help and he barely talks to me anymore, let alone wants or has time to see me.

Your mother analogy is probably correct. My mom made all of our appointments growing up but I never had any issues so I only ever went in for the standard shots with one or two other visits while my sisters could probably check themselves into a hospital on their own by now. I dont have kids, and I’m definitely not having one.

Maybe this is just my fucked up opinion, but I dont think people who can’t handle life should be able to live. Its too much work and it stresses everyone out. Better to just…avoid all this misery and accept that nothing can be done.
I share a similar opinion. Although I will offer that some people find their only life's purpose in taking care of someone else and are fucking miserable when no one around them will let them administer that level of intense suffocating care and attention.

Find someone like that and you'll make their whole life have meaning. But I don't think you will enjoy it.
 
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nohopeforethefuture

nohopeforethefuture

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mossyfox said:
I share a similar opinion. Although I will offer that some people find their only life's purpose in taking care of someone else and are fucking miserable when no one around them will let them administer that level of intense suffocating care and attention.

Find someone like that and you'll make their whole life have meaning. But I don't think you will enjoy it.
Heh, I would probably enjoy it if I liked them. My ex was kinda like that. Except there was the compulsive lying, and the grey sexual activity, and his inability to remember anything… we were both broken and I dont think non broken people exist. In the end I fell out of love on my own and I dont think I could do that again. Since I am broken in a lot of other ways, I will exhaust and make them apathetic in the long run. The problem is just me and I dont think I could ever meet anyone who could save me.
 
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mossyfox

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Not necessarily a sexual relationship. Plenty of those types who do it out of friendship. Might end at some point if they get help for their problem.

There are also lots of men with this defect who are not abusive but are just passive and a wee bit controlling about how you take care of your health, might baby you, etc.

I mean, we'd have to give some thought as to where these people would be found versus trying random luck or looking in the wrong places and finding assholes.

But in the end, if you just get bored then, what can you do. It is what it is.

Also, you're learning style sounds like hands-on which is mine too. Things aren't set up for people who learn this way, which I will never understand, because that's the only way early humans and babies learn anything, but whatever.

I had to do a lot of adapting to figure out how to navigate the world with my learning style and now I've arrived at the point where I can flat out tell people at work, I don't learn things that way, you have to show me. It took work to get here though. and this phase only came about after being massively drugged up by my psych. I didn't get past any of my issues until my general anxiety and mood swings were addressed.

But that fucking depression, that seems to stick around.

Are you taking something for anxiety and mood? No point in being more miserable than necessary
 
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nohopeforethefuture

nohopeforethefuture

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mossyfox said:
Not necessarily a sexual relationship. Plenty of those types who do it out of friendship. Might end at some point if they get help for their problem.

There are also lots of men with this defect who are not abusive but are just passive and a wee bit controlling about how you take care of your health, might baby you, etc.

I mean, we'd have to give some thought as to where these people would be found versus trying random luck or looking in the wrong places and finding assholes.

But in the end, if you just get bored then, what can you do. It is what it is.

Also, you're learning style sounds like hands-on which is mine too. Things aren't set up for people who learn this way, which I will never understand, because that's the only way early humans and babies learn anything, but whatever.

I had to do a lot of adapting to figure out how to navigate the world with my learning style and now I've arrived at the point where I can flat out tell people at work, I don't learn things that way, you have to show me. It took work to get here though. and this phase only came about after being massively drugged up by my psych. I didn't get past any of my issues until my general anxiety and mood swings were addressed.

But that fucking depression, that seems to stick around.

Are you taking something for anxiety and mood? No point in being more miserable than necessary
Thanks =) I honestly dont think anyone would want to be in a (close) friendship/relationship with me. I’m way too “needy” with an anxious attachment style I dont want to change. Especially if they have other friends or things they do that dont include me, I will feel left out and like they dont need me. Its been an issue in every relationship of any kind I’ve had.

As for the meds, my psych had me on meds for awhile. In the back of my head I can hear the world telling me I havent been on any long enough to see any effects, but the truth is even if there were effects I wouldn’t be able to notice them. Therapy and psychiatry are held with the premise that you know anything - and I second guess myself at every turn. Which makes me utterly useless when my psych asks “do you feel any different?”

I was on mirtazipine for a few weeks but I didnt take it every day because I had to take them at night, and at night I always get worse and I just could not bring myself to do it. It takes too long to work and the side effects hurt (which someone explain how the negative side effects happen sooner than the positive ones…yeah right). Then it was lexapro. First two nights I had insomnia which I thought were due to the meds as I dont have insomnia, but it never happened again after a dosage increase and a few weeks/months. Outside of that - zero effects. Then I was on Wellbutrin - again zero effects at all. I just stopped taking them suddenly and experienced no effects either.

My psych thankfully said she also does holistic psychiatry so I wont lose her, but she did say that if I dont think the meds will work (which I wasnt opposed to meds, but I am highly skeptical of how effective they can be because my mood is mostly just affected by other things and not out of nowhere) then the meds probably wont work. She said there can be a placebo effect attached to most regular meds - which I believe. Maybe I just dont understand what the meds were supposed to do. I dont really understand anything. And I dont know anything either so maybe everything I just said isn’t true objectively but I’m the only person who’s able to make decisions about these things so its useless…
 
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mossyfox

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nohopeforethefuture said:
Thanks =) I honestly dont think anyone would want to be in a (close) friendship/relationship with me. I’m way too “needy” with an anxious attachment style I dont want to change. Especially if they have other friends or things they do that dont include me, I will feel left out and like they dont need me. Its been an issue in every relationship of any kind I’ve had.

As for the meds, my psych had me on meds for awhile. In the back of my head I can hear the world telling me I havent been on any long enough to see any effects, but the truth is even if there were effects I wouldn’t be able to notice them. Therapy and psychiatry are held with the premise that you know anything - and I second guess myself at every turn. Which makes me utterly useless when my psych asks “do you feel any different?”

I was on mirtazipine for a few weeks but I didnt take it every day because I had to take them at night, and at night I always get worse and I just could not bring myself to do it. It takes too long to work and the side effects hurt (which someone explain how the negative side effects happen sooner than the positive ones…yeah right). Then it was lexapro. First two nights I had insomnia which I thought were due to the meds as I dont have insomnia, but it never happened again after a dosage increase and a few weeks/months. Outside of that - zero effects. Then I was on Wellbutrin - again zero effects at all. I just stopped taking them suddenly and experienced no effects either.

My psych thankfully said she also does holistic psychiatry so I wont lose her, but she did say that if I dont think the meds will work (which I wasnt opposed to meds, but I am highly skeptical of how effective they can be because my mood is mostly just affected by other things and not out of nowhere) then the meds probably wont work. She said there can be a placebo effect attached to most regular meds - which I believe. Maybe I just dont understand what the meds were supposed to do. I dont really understand anything. And I dont know anything either so maybe everything I just said isn’t true objectively but I’m the only person who’s able to make decisions about these things so its useless…
So those were all anti depressants. The things I hear you voicing are all the things I dealt with that come out of my diagnosis for general anxiety and were corrected with Klonopin. Lamictal (mood stabilizer) also helped with not getting upset when people I got attached to went off to do their own thing. It's what helps me do my own thing and be more confident. Since the anti depressants dont seem to do anything for you, it sounds like you don't need them? I don't know.

Ask if you can go the anxiety and mood stabilizer route. Just say you feel panicky and tightness in your chest sometimes and like you can't breathe sometimes and that you feel so anxious all the time that you're never able to have a good relationship with anyone. Then say you heard Klonopin lasts all day, unlike Xanax which wears off quickly.

Klonopin is a godsend for these tailspins.
 
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whywere

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I will start out by saying I am 65, and I mention this only as a reference point for all of my headaches through the decades with medical insurance. I am in the US and I could, for real, write a book on the screw ups that all the different places have done.

The one over riding factor in all of this, at least for me, was/is always this: "YOU are the guarantor of this account". Another words no matter how messed up the billing or whatever was/is, I am ALWAYS stuck with it. The leverage they have is if one does not pay the bill no matter what, then it is reported to the credit bureaus and my credit score goes in the toilet.

My heart broke for you when I read your post because of all the stupid crap you have to put up with.

I send you lots of smiles, hugs and the knowledge that you are loved and cared about here.

Walter
 
nohopeforethefuture

nohopeforethefuture

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mossyfox said:
So those were all anti depressants. The things I hear you voicing are all the things I dealt with that come out of my diagnosis for general anxiety and were corrected with Klonopin. Lamictal (mood stabilizer) also helped with not getting upset when people I got attached to went off to do their own thing. It's what helps me do my own thing and be more confident. Since the anti depressants dont seem to do anything for you, it sounds like you don't need them? I don't know.

Ask if you can go the anxiety and mood stabilizer route. Just say you feel panicky and tightness in your chest sometimes and like you can't breathe sometimes and that you feel so anxious all the time that you're never able to have a good relationship with anyone. Then say you heard Klonopin lasts all day, unlike Xanax which wears off quickly.

Klonopin is a godsend for these tailspins.
My psych asked if I was anxious or had anxiety and I told her no because I genuinely believed I dont have anxiety. This is kind of what im talking about, how I’m supposed to give accurate info but I dont think I can. Recently I’ve started to wonder if I do have anxiety, but sometimes its hard to know where to draw the line. Sometimes I can be confident, but then I second guess myself so much because I have this underlying belief that I can’t be right about anything. Which is contradictory, but it makes giving accurate info and asking for what I “think” I need extremely difficult. Its not just like I can believe I’m right about anything. Maybe the anti depressants did do something for me and I just didnt understand. The more I think about it the more complicated it gets and the more I really dont feel like I can do anything about it.

I’m also just super lonely and hate to be alone. I have more friends now than I did before which is nice. But they aren’t there every second of the day and they aren’t close friends. So I’m left feeling useless on my own because I can’t bring myself to do much of anything by myself. (Eating, chores, etc)

I am very hands on learning like you said earlier. Unfortunately there is no hands on learning for personal experiences so I dont know how I’m supposed to change. How I feel dictates everything and it doesnt make any sense when people just do things anyways. I also do a lot of reading online which I probably shouldnt do, but all of it suggests that I’m just not in a place to accept help. It makes me frustrated because…I just am the way I am and the way I am doesnt fit into life and will never make me happy. I’m just wrong to exist the way I do and its all my responsibility… sorry for venting off topic…I know I sound like a complainer and I am. I’m honestly just very sad right now and dont have much hope for anything…
whywere said:
I will start out by saying I am 65, and I mention this only as a reference point for all of my headaches through the decades with medical insurance. I am in the US and I could, for real, write a book on the screw ups that all the different places have done.

The one over riding factor in all of this, at least for me, was/is always this: "YOU are the guarantor of this account". Another words no matter how messed up the billing or whatever was/is, I am ALWAYS stuck with it. The leverage they have is if one does not pay the bill no matter what, then it is reported to the credit bureaus and my credit score goes in the toilet.

My heart broke for you when I read your post because of all the stupid crap you have to put up with.

I send you lots of smiles, hugs and the knowledge that you are loved and cared about here.

Walter
Thank you very much for your reply Walter. <3 I am much younger than you by 40 years =) but the one thing I will make sure to do is not sign up for anything that I will end up having to pay for. I can’t afford it. I think the world is too complicated and there aren’t enough different kinds of people to balance everyone out. I also think modern society just…doesnt allow for much happiness…

I hope you are doing better than me today.
 
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mossyfox

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I went through a lot of the same things you are talking about. I wasn't diagnosed correctly either for years because they do kind of rely on you to tell them and it's like how the fuck are you supposed to know?

I learned a lot of social skills from watching certain shows on Netflix, honestly I still learn new things there. I relate to the show Atypical. Have you seen it? If not, you really should, I think you will find some relief in watching it. Many, many times in real life I find myself sort of acting out a role from a show I watched because that situation just started happening to me, so I copy how the character behaved and talked on the show. Otherwise, I would have had no clue what to do or say, and it's gotten me into trouble with people before for being insensitive or just not saying the right thing somehow.

If not for tv shows and reading up on body language, the other way to get hands on personal experience is from living life and fucking up repeatedly and listening to people tell you how you fucked up. But the latter is what contributes to my suicidal thoughts so, I don't recommend it.

Sometimes depression comes out of having anxiety. If you start treating anxiety, you might find you are more motivated in general. Always worth trying to treat it. Unlike depression meds, you will feel anti anxiety meds working right away.
 
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nohopeforethefuture

nohopeforethefuture

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mossyfox said:
I went through a lot of the same things you are talking about. I wasn't diagnosed correctly either for years because they do kind of rely on you to tell them and it's like how the fuck are you supposed to know?

I learned a lot of social skills from watching certain shows on Netflix, honestly I still learn new things there. I relate to the show Atypical. Have you seen it? If not, you really should, I think you will find some relief in watching it. Many, many times in real life I find myself sort of acting out a role from a show I watched because that situation just started happening to me, so I copy how the character behaved and talked on the show. Otherwise, I would have had no clue what to do or say, and it's gotten me into trouble with people before for being insensitive or just not saying the right thing somehow.

If not for tv shows and reading up on body language, the other way to get hands on personal experience is from living life and fucking up repeatedly and listening to people tell you how you fucked up. But the latter is what contributes to my suicidal thoughts so, I don't recommend it.

Sometimes depression comes out of having anxiety. If you start treating anxiety, you might find you are more motivated in general. Always worth trying to treat it. Unlike depression meds, you will feel anti anxiety meds working right away.
Hey, thanks for taking the time to chat with me about this. I feel a little better now.

I havent seen that show, but I may look into it. I 100% relate to “acting out a role” I read or watch sometimes. So maybe it will help.

I chuckled at your “unrecommended” method. Only because I thought it would have the same negative effect on me but then you said it affects you negatively so I realized we had the same view =P

I have a psych Appt next week so I will try to bring up the anxiety stuff/meds. She is good at understanding me better than my therapist is (although I’ve only had one psych this whole time so she’s known me longer). So I’m hoping she may be able to have some better insight. I think a huge reason I’m afraid to say “hey I think I have this” is because a while ago I went through a period where I thought I had everything. I’m honestly still so unsure if I do have anything at all or if its all made up in my head. I’m also afraid I start manifesting symptoms if I try to figure out what I have to try and match something.

For instance, I thought I had Dependent personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, depression, anxiety (mild), maybe bipolar but I’m a little confused on if I could or not, maybe narcissistic personality disorder, factitious disorder (mental only), ocd, ADHD, anorexia. Maybe not all of them at once but for sure one of them. But I can’t just say “hey I think I have something majorly wrong with me” because I have no real solid backing for believing I have any of these things. I can’t justify any of it and saying “well I read up about it online” is so uncredible its not even worth mentioning again. Besides, when I do look up examples, I can never really identify with the examples 100%, which just makes me think I dont actually have it (I probably dont). I’m pretty sure I have actually just made a huge deal over nothing at all and have just caused myself to be this way on purpose while lying to myself that its not my fault. So now I believe its not my fault but I dont actually have any real problems because if I just took any kind of realistic look at my life I would see how easy it is to just be a normal person, I just refuse to accept or believe the truth. That I’m actually fine and just being way over dramatic. Its kind of like a no win situation as I dont gain much from winning on either side.

sorry for the tangent again… I don’t really feel comfortable with my therapist at all so I havent really talked about any of this. I know I talk too much though.
 
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It's not just you. When you look up all those conditions online it starts to get confusing because at some point all the descriptions get to a vague point and say not everyone fits the description.

I went through exactly what you are talking about before I was diagnosed with anything. I was just classed as having a 'mood disorder' by one doctor when I was about 16 and then my mom refused to let me get any treatment (which would have uncovered I actually have bipolar). I spent another 10 years looking things up and thinking maybe I have this or that, just like you are describing until after having my last kid, I got so depressed and wanted to die so bad I finally saw an actual psych.

He happened to have a student with him for the diagnosis so I got to hear him walking her through the thought process in diagnosing someone. Obviously I had read about bipolar symptoms online but I didn't believe it fit me based on what I read. But it was the first condition he was considering and he told the student in a low voice that 'when they have general irritability for no reason and can't control it like she is describing, it is usually bipolar disorder. So now we would have her go to therapy sessions and go deeper to see if there are other signs pointing to this condition or another one.'

Honestly when I heard 'bipolar' I was really surprised because from everything I read online I was definitely convinced that was one I did not have since the internet makes it seem so clear cut. Even though I have an estranged relative who has bipolar, and felt 'high' sometimes on anti depressants, and swung between moods, and had manic symptoms in my last pregnancy.

Because I actually heard my psych's thought process, I interjected that I did feel high sometimes on anti-depressant medications. He asked how long that feeling lasts for, I answered, and then he said to the student 'this is definitely bipolar.'

It's hard to diagnose yourself online. But knowing about symptoms of a condition from online research, like that anti depressants alone can trigger feelings of being high and manic in bipolar, let me know that was an important detail to mention to my psych, once I knew he was looking at a bipolar diagnosis. Previously I didn't mention that detail because I though it was stupid and insignificant and also I really believed I definitely didn't have bipolar.

I think instead of telling your psych you think you have xyz, just describe anxious feelings. Try out treatment for that and I think you'll be surprised. Anxiety makes it difficult to think about or focus on anything important. Not everyone manifests symptoms the same way, maybe you don't 'look' or 'seem' anxious to people and it's hard to diagnose unless you are telling them, 'yes I feel anxious'.

It's a journey and process.
 
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nohopeforethefuture

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mossyfox said:
It's not just you. When you look up all those conditions online it starts to get confusing because at some point all the descriptions get to a vague point and say not everyone fits the description.

I went through exactly what you are talking about before I was diagnosed with anything. I was just classed as having a 'mood disorder' by one doctor when I was about 16 and then my mom refused to let me get any treatment (which would have uncovered I actually have bipolar). I spent another 10 years looking things up and thinking maybe I have this or that, just like you are describing until after having my last kid, I got so depressed and wanted to die so bad I finally saw an actual psych.

He happened to have a student with him for the diagnosis so I got to hear him walking her through the thought process in diagnosing someone. Obviously I had read about bipolar symptoms online but I didn't believe it fit me based on what I read. But it was the first condition he was considering and he told the student in a low voice that 'when they have general irritability for no reason and can't control it like she is describing, it is usually bipolar disorder. So now we would have her go to therapy sessions and go deeper to see if there are other signs pointing to this condition or another one.'

Honestly when I heard 'bipolar' I was really surprised because from everything I read online I was definitely convinced that was one I did not have since the internet makes it seem so clear cut. Even though I have an estranged relative who has bipolar, and felt 'high' sometimes on anti depressants, and swung between moods, and had manic symptoms in my last pregnancy.

Because I actually heard my psych's thought process, I interjected that I did feel high sometimes on anti-depressant medications. He asked how long that feeling lasts for, I answered, and then he said to the student 'this is definitely bipolar.'

It's hard to diagnose yourself online. But knowing about symptoms of a condition from online research, like that anti depressants alone can trigger feelings of being high and manic in bipolar, let me know that was an important detail to mention to my psych, once I knew he was looking at a bipolar diagnosis. Previously I didn't mention that detail because I though it was stupid and insignificant and also I really believed I definitely didn't have bipolar.

I think instead of telling your psych you think you have xyz, just describe anxious feelings. Try out treatment for that and I think you'll be surprised. Anxiety makes it difficult to think about or focus on anything important. Not everyone manifests symptoms the same way, maybe you don't 'look' or 'seem' anxious to people and it's hard to diagnose unless you are telling them, 'yes I feel anxious'.

It's a journey and process.
Thank you for sharing your story. I think I’m too afraid that most of my symptoms are fake to really being anything up. I have too strong of a desire to fit in something that I will just gaslight myself into believing I’m showing a symptom. For instance, if I think about bipolar symptoms, the first thing that comes to mind are the manic symptoms. I dont really do anything reckless though. The closest would be reckless spending but I’m too responsible and so would never get in debt. But if I’m feeling good and wanting to spend money, if I’m thinking I might have bipolar I will lean towards spending it anyway vs not spending it when I shouldnt. Then I will make up a reason - its because I want to prolong my good mood.

Same for depression. If I’m sad or upset or angry or negative, I just wont eat. I could, but a long time ago I established that I didnt eat when I’m sad, and now its so much of a habit that it might as well be true despite not really being an honest symptom.

Or anxiety. I’m shy and too scared to make phone calls by myself. I’m not really but if I want to show people I have a problem then I have to actually have one.

I feel like I’ve just gone too meta to actually change. I dont know whats real and what’s not. I dont know what I’ve faked or if I’m exaggerating. The biggest thing I know is that No one can change me but myself, but I won’t change. The professionals dont seem to understand this concept. I can’t ask for things or explain anything. I can’t do anything either. In the end its all my fault and/or my responsibility. I can’t trust my experiences and I can’t give intellectually honest answers because I just…can’t be right. About anything. And no therapist asking “well why is that” is going to help me. I hate questions like that. It ignores reality. Proving me wrong only proves me right in the end. And vice versa.

Thanks for trying to cheer me up. Or walk me through this. Dont feel obligated, its just that I’m just like this. Honestly im more toxic then anything, esp in real life. The world would be better off without me.
 
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I don't feel obligated. I'm passing time instead of thinking of killing myself so if it makes you feel a little better or more distracted too then all the better.

I think there is a condition for what you're describing, maybe it's borderline? not sure on that. But either way you are really self aware, maybe your therapist should read copy and paste version of what you typed here, sans suicide stuff, lol.

It sounds like a 'discover yourself' trip to empower yourself would help you out. You know. Toss you out in the wild with basic supplies, too far from help. Either you die or come back sure of who you are. Win Win
 
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mossyfox said:
I don't feel obligated. I'm passing time instead of thinking of killing myself so if it makes you feel a little better or more distracted too then all the better.

I think there is a condition for what you're describing, maybe it's borderline? not sure on that. But either way you are really self aware, maybe your therapist should read copy and paste version of what you typed here, sans suicide stuff, lol.

It sounds like a 'discover yourself' trip to empower yourself would help you out. You know. Toss you out in the wild with basic supplies, too far from help. Either you die or come back sure of who you are. Win Win
That makes me feel a little better. =) my mood is really touch and go

And maybe thats a good idea. I would prefer to tell my psych tho, as right now I’m having the issue of not really having “real” therapy sessions rn and I’m not a huge fan of my current therapist yet, so I dont know if I could really trust her to say anything. (Although Def still sans suicide stuff, last thing I want is to get committed lol)

I laughed at your suggestion. I’ve thought of that too. I have survived on my own in the modern world, but I’ve wondered what it would be like to actually live in the wild. Maybe it would help! But I think I really dont have enough skills to last out there. And also I love the modern utilities too much. Although as a compromise I’ve also thought about just traveling nonstop. The idea sounds intriguing, but I do hate to be alone so I think ultimately I wouldn’t want to do that without a friend or a partner to do it with. But maybe I’m just a coward =P

I definitely feel like life is just passing me by. I had dreams in high school and I failed to make them come true in college, and now I just feel like I have nothing left to live for. I definitely need to find a purpose for my future, since I dont currently have one. Man I wish my therapist would just handle this dietician stuff. Or at least work through all my existential emotional crises so I can get to a place where I can handle the process on my own.
 
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Some day, just get up and leave.
 
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nohopeforethefuture said:
This is just a vent - they didnt have that tag…

My therapist thinks I have ARFID and wants to set me up with a dietician. I have tossed the idea of a dietician around in the past so despite not thinking I have ARFID, decided to go along with it.

But she wanted me to call my insurance and make sure the dietician she liked was in network. I am shy about calling because I dont know what the hell I’m doing so after a while I chatted my insurance but was told that two different types of nutritional dieticians were covered for very specific reasons. But I didnt know to ask if that specific place was in network, so after a call from my therapist I had to go back to my insurance - this time they said they were out of network completely.

Dietician emails me and asks for my insurance and tells me they are in network. Therapist has me call again and they say that the practice is in network with my insurance, but my specific plan doesnt cover the dietician. So my therapist calls my insurance and gets a single name and phone number for a nutritional dietician that is in network for me, but wants me to call her and schedule an appointment because if they are full she wants to force my insurance to go with the in/out of network dietician she likes.

I call this place but the name they give me doesnt exist there. Therapist told me to call back and get any dietician name. So I call back and they say they have no dieticians, just a nutritionist. Therapist tells me sometimes they are interchangeable, but to call my insurance again and get accurate info. I call my insurance with my therapist today during our session and the insurance lady gives me 4 names. Name #1 doesnt work there. Name #2 you can only schedule if you have them as a primary care doctor with a referral. Name #3 I left a message for. Name #4 they told me that I had to double check with my insurance after I got a referral because sometimes the specific codes can be “out of network”.

I dont know what a referral is. I dont know how to get one. I dont really know what I’m asking for, I dont know what an RD is, I didnt even know “billing codes” were a thing and thought they were zip codes. I hate all of this. I spend my therapy sessions with these calls because I wont do them by myself because I have NO IDEA WHAT I’M DOING. I get questions I dont know the answer to and so when I do do them on my own I never get the correct information. Why can’t my therapist do this??? She’s the one that wants to set me up with a dietician. At this point I want to just quit. I have horrible follow through anyways and I have told my therapist I probably wont be able to do what a dietician wants me to do anyways. But she insists. I hate this. I dislike my therapist but I wont be getting a new one anytime soon because this is already my 3rd one this year. Honestly…none of this is worth it.
A referral is simply a matter of your doctor sending them an email.
We are about to face this madness in the UK and it's terrifying.
I can't imagine anyone will even insure me
 
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Kattt said:
A referral is simply a matter of your doctor sending them an email.
We are about to face this madness in the UK and it's terrifying.
I can't imagine anyone will even insure me
I ended up getting a referral from my doctor, but it was still out of network for me. Turns out that my diagnosis is whats making it out of network. I’m trying one last thing and I will get a call on Thursday if its in network or not. Hopefully it is.
 
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Jeez insurance companies suck. what diagnoses are they refusing to cover 'in network' and how the fuck is a condition out of network? that's a new excuse to not pay for people's medical costs.
 
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mossyfox said:
Jeez insurance companies suck. what diagnoses are they refusing to cover 'in network' and how the fuck is a condition out of network? that's a new excuse to not pay for people's medical costs.
Its for ARFID, and I think the difference is between billing for medical or behavioral health. not sure which one is covered tho.

Recently found a final one that IS covered by my insurance, but only if I’ve met my deductible which I havent even started. They offered a payment plan but honestly…I think id rather spend the money on something else…but I’m not really sure what I should do…
 
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