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nuclearsnake

Student
Jul 11, 2018
147
The reason I want to off myself is my body. I'm trans. I'm very ugly, bordering on the ridiculous. I have bad teeth and skin due to shit genetics and neglecting myself during puberty.
Whenever see a attractive, tall guy I'm just in so much pain because that is something I'll never be. I'll never have this life and it kills me on the inside.

They keep saying how there's a solution for a every problem and nothing is as bad as it seems but this isn't true when your issue is your body. Nothing will really fix this. I feel cursed.

I just don't get why I'm not allowed to kill myself due to these circumstances. In addition to that my childhood messed me up, I have no social skills, anxiety so severe I can barely talk to the cashier at a grocery store or leave the house at all and I get stressed out quickly. I don't have any talents because I'm scared of failure. I honestly doubt I'm a human being.

It's so pathetic because if this is the only life we'll ever get why is it so shit.

Really, at this point I'm just leeching off the government. I'll never be able to be a functional human being in this society. So why am I not allowed to do the right thing and end it all. There's no point in suffering for 60 years.
 
RainAndSadness

RainAndSadness

Global Mod
Jun 12, 2018
1,543
Another trans person. Damn, we're really represent these 40%, do we?

I've talked about my reasons to catch the bus before but you're exactly describing my situation here. Being trans is one of the major reasons for me to commit suicide. I'm one year into transition and it didn't change anything for me to be honest. I made some progression during the last year but I know I will never be able to accept myself and I'm not gonna deal with that bullshit for another 20 years. I didn't ask for any of this. I don't want to be trans. I don't want to suffer from gender dysphoria for the rest of my life. Every time I leave the house I feel like an alien because people stare at me and this experience gets amplified by my severe social anxiety - which is also the reason for my loneliness and isolation.

I'm also living in poverty, just like you. And my depression doesn't help my situation either. There is no perspective for a good future, which is the reason for me leaving this hell very soon. It's a rational decision, I thought about it for a very long time and I came to the conclusion that I don't want to continue under these circumstances. This happened back in 2017. I know it's the only way to escape this suffer. And I'm so glad it's gonna end soon. I really am.
 
P

Panda

-
Jun 25, 2018
34
The reason I want to off myself is my body. I'm trans. I'm very ugly, bordering on the ridiculous. I have bad teeth and skin due to shit genetics and neglecting myself during puberty.
Whenever see a attractive, tall guy I'm just in so much pain because that is something I'll never be. I'll never have this life and it kills me on the inside.

They keep saying how there's a solution for a every problem and nothing is as bad as it seems but this isn't true when your issue is your body. Nothing will really fix this. I feel cursed.

I just don't get why I'm not allowed to kill myself due to these circumstances. In addition to that my childhood messed me up, I have no social skills, anxiety so severe I can barely talk to the cashier at a grocery store or leave the house at all and I get stressed out quickly. I don't have any talents because I'm scared of failure. I honestly doubt I'm a human being.

It's so pathetic because if this is the only life we'll ever get why is it so shit.

Really, at this point I'm just leeching off the government. I'll never be able to be a functional human being in this society. So why am I not allowed to do the right thing and end it all. There's no point in suffering for 60 years.
I know the feeling yes... I had moments where I'd feel a little bit of hope because I'd forgotten about the things that make me sad, going through the motions emptily each day can do that to you. but then one look in the mirror brings it all flooding back. I'm horribly scarred all over my back, chest, shoulders and arms, I also have really bad teeth but I missed the boat for free braces even though it massively affects my mental health.

While it's not the main reason for me wanting to die I think my body is one of the unfixable things that stops me from trying. I have had some kind of gender identity issues mostly since around the age of 13/14 but the way people treated me when I was open about it just... yeah I'm not strong enough to deal with that.
 
Jon86

Jon86

Specialist
Apr 9, 2018
371
You are allowed to kys, everyone is, the only person stopping you is you.

I feel for you, having been on these types of boards for a couple of years now it does appear trans folk suffer from depression at FAR higher rates than the general public, not that it is a surprise.
 
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Panda

-
Jun 25, 2018
34
Another trans person. Damn, we're really represent these 40%, do we?

I've talked about my reasons to catch the bus before but you're exactly describing my situation here. Being trans is one of the major reasons for me to commit suicide. I'm one year into transition and it didn't change anything for me to be honest. I made some progression during the last year but I know I will never be able to accept myself and I'm not gonna deal with that bullshit for another 20 years. I didn't ask for any of this. I don't want to be trans. I don't want to suffer from gender dysphoria for the rest of my life. Every time I leave the house I feel like an alien because people stare at me and this experience gets amplified by my severe social anxiety - which is also the reason for my loneliness and isolation.

I'm also living in poverty, just like you. And my depression doesn't help my situation either. There is no perspective for a good future, which is the reason for me leaving this hell very soon. It's a rational decision, I thought about it for a very long time and I came to the conclusion that I don't want to continue under these circumstances. This happened back in 2017. I know it's the only way to escape this suffer. And I'm so glad it's gonna end soon. I really am.
Sorry to double post but I fully understand this too, it's sick and horrible to think about but the statistics of successful suicides for people who have made previous attempts and also successful suicides for trans people are so high, almost makes it seem like it really is where we're destined to end.

You are allowed to kys, everyone is, the only person stopping you is you.

I feel for you, having been on these types of boards for a couple of years now it does appear trans folk suffer from depression at FAR higher rates than the general public, not that it is a surprise.
Unfortunately that's not the way we're made to feel, we're made to feel like selfish freaks for wanting to stop existing. It's been said a million times before but having to spend your last weeks or months secretly planning and keeping it from anybody who might be close and dealing with the guilt purely because it's not acceptable to talk about these things before doing them... doesn't feel like being allowed to do it and it also makes the process much longer and more hassle then necessary, I'm not stopping myself from killing myself the stupid rules of society are.
 
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Jon86

Jon86

Specialist
Apr 9, 2018
371
^ If you live long enough, people will learn of your suicidal ideation because you can't hide it anymore. I've been battling depression to some degree for almost 20 years and suicidal thoughts for around 8. My family knows, i've been on tons of meds, talked to a few different shrinks, etc.

I've told a couple of old friends. It's no secret, you can tell anyone you wish, you may not like the outcome but you can always voice how you feel. Is a week or two in a psych hospital really that bad, it's nothing compared to the fear of death, it's merely an inconvenience. That being said, i've never been hysterically suicidal, definitely not around anyone so i've never been to one despite letting family, friends and shrinks know of my suicidal plans.
 
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P

Panda

-
Jun 25, 2018
34
^ If you live long enough, people will learn of your suicidal ideation because you can't hide it anymore. I've been battling depression to some degree for almost 20 years and suicidal thoughts for around 8. My family knows, i've been on tons of meds, talked to a few different shrinks, etc.

I've told a couple of old friends. It's no secret, you can tell anyone you wish, you may not like the outcome but you can always voice how you feel. Is a week or two in a psych hospital really that bad, it's nothing compared to the fear of death, it's merely an inconvenience. That being said, i've never been hysterically suicidal, definitely not around anyone so i've never been to one despite letting family, friends and shrinks know of my suicidal plans.
I've been hospitalised twice... first time not so bad but most recent stay was only a week and yes it was pretty much hell (neglectful and abusive staff in an underfunded half abandoned hospital, peeling floors, ants climbing on walls, lying lazy staff etc etc.) That's what I get for letting my family know. I would like to have a frank discussion about ending my life with my family before I go and do it for both their and my peace of mind, but I can't.

Edit: Yeah I kind of generalised about not being able to tell anybody, but speaking to random people who barely know you about dying really means very little. Sometimes I'll play videogames and just tell people I've never met before that I'm going to kill myself soon because I don't know how to deal with these feelings. I act up badly but nothing helps me feel better. The one thing I really wish I could do is have my decision respected and do my best BEFORE I leave to help my family deal with the grief but I'm not able to do that. Hope that makes sense.
 
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Jon86

Jon86

Specialist
Apr 9, 2018
371
^ It makes sense, besides the terminally ill or SEVERELY disabled, I doubt many parents would be ok with there kids choosing suicide. Most parents always hold out hope of a miraculous turnaround or that there kids will learn to cope with there challenges and continue living.

They may respect your decision but are afraid to let on as well. I almost get that feel from my parents, they would never give up on me but I think if I did it they'd understand.
 
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P

Panda

-
Jun 25, 2018
34
^ It makes sense, besides the terminally ill or SEVERELY disabled, I doubt many parents would be ok with there kids choosing suicide. Most parents always hold out hope of a miraculous turnaround or that there kids will learn to cope with there challenges and continue living.

They may respect your decision but are afraid to let on as well. I almost get that feel from my parents, they would never give up on me but I think if I did it they'd understand.
-cut-

Sorry anyway, nuclearsnake, didn't mean to hijack your shit..
 
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bag.of.cats

bag.of.cats

depressed cats
Apr 10, 2018
96
@nuclearsnake You've put my thoughts into words better than I could ever have. I don't have the resources nor the support or motivation to keep going. That's why I decided to end it in the near future. Sadly, my life is going to be just another statistic. I'll never be on the outside, the person that I am inside. It's like fate or whatever went out of its way and made sure of that. I daydream a lot about how my life could've been otherwise. It's the only escape left I have from reality.
 
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nuclearsnake

Student
Jul 11, 2018
147
Another trans person. Damn, we're really represent these 40%, do we?,

Yeah, I've met so many depressed and suicidal trans people. Guess it isn't a surprise really because being trans is awful in so many ways.

Being trans is one of the major reasons for me to commit suicide. I'm one year into transition and it didn't change anything for me to be honest. I made some progression during the last year but I know I will never be able to accept myself and I'm not gonna deal with that bullshit for another 20 years. I didn't ask for any of this. I don't want to be trans. I don't want to suffer from gender dysphoria for the rest of my life. Every time I leave the house I feel like an alien because people stare at me and this experience gets amplified by my severe social anxiety - which is also the reason for my loneliness and isolation.
I'm trying with transitioning but in my country you have to see a shrink for at least six months until they let you anywhere near HRT and I don't have the energy or willpower to wait. I'm already quite old and feel like my body has been destroyed by estrogen.

It's not like transitioning can fix everything anyway and I can't live with the fact that biologically I'll never be what I want to be.

Unfortunately that's not the way we're made to feel, we're made to feel like selfish freaks for wanting to stop existing. It's been said a million times before but having to spend your last weeks or months secretly planning and keeping it from anybody who might be close and dealing with the guilt purely because it's not acceptable to talk about these things before doing them... doesn't feel like being allowed to do it and it also makes the process much longer and more hassle then necessary, I'm not stopping myself from killing myself the stupid rules of society are.

Yes, I loathe that. The fear of being discovered and 'saved' too. I don't get why society is so desperate to keep everyone from committing suicide.
I really don't want help anymore at this point. I've been at enough hospitals and have taken enough medication.

@nuclearsnake You've put my thoughts into words better than I could ever have. I don't have the resources nor the support or motivation to keep going. That's why I decided to end it in the near future. Sadly, my life is going to be just another statistic. I'll never be on the outside, the person that I am inside. It's like fate or whatever went out of its way and made sure of that. I daydream a lot about how my life could've been otherwise. It's the only escape left I have from reality.

I find it sad because I would love to live but not in this body and the position I am. I really wish my life could have gotten the way it goes for most people but instead I get to deal with this mess.
 
weedoge

weedoge

Banned
Jul 12, 2018
1,528
and dysphoria is one thing that just seems to hit like a freight train every single time you feel it just a tiny bit. Watching tv every female or cute outfit just makes me want to die right then and there.
 
aven

aven

Member
Jul 10, 2018
41
I wanted to look like a boy but now I look like a man, it's too late for me I should have died 5 years ago.

Remember Frank Wolf? I never got over his death and despite never knowing him, I still weep him, he too suffered from dysphoria, it took his life at 20. I too wish to have the strength to end it all.

I'm so tired, i'm starving my body so I won't survive the jump, I want my weight to go down to about a hundred then once crippled, I'll be ready.
 
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M

millennial

Member
Jul 12, 2018
13
What's stopping you? I thank god that I live in a time where the government cannot ultimately decide control over my life. That would be the ultimate hell. (BTW i am not religious so please don't think I'm an anti-suicide Christian or something)
 
FTL.Wanderer

FTL.Wanderer

Enlightened
May 31, 2018
1,791
Unfortunately that's not the way we're made to feel, we're made to feel like selfish freaks for wanting to stop existing. It's been said a million times before but having to spend your last weeks or months secretly planning and keeping it from anybody who might be close and dealing with the guilt purely because it's not acceptable to talk about these things before doing them... doesn't feel like being allowed to do it and it also makes the process much longer and more hassle then necessary, I'm not stopping myself from killing myself the stupid rules of society are.

Exactly right. The chief reason so many suicide attempts are botched torturously is the lack of competent medical resources and expertise. We have to troll through forum after forum to find ways that might work if we can do thing right. Many of us suffer from cognitive effects associated with extreme, chronic depression which can increase failure odds. And you're right that the whole furtive process we go through, the sanctions against open talking about our feelings--compounded by a virtually acceptable demonization of the suicidal, only makes what's already hell all the more painful. And none of this even begins to consider the massive legal, financial, and personal autonomy effects from authorities and professionals' court powers to civil commit you if you're discovered. Oh, and add in the loathing heaped on the unsuccessful--by family, acquaintances, jobs...

To me, this hardly constitutes being free to kys/ctb.
 
Alysia

Alysia

Member
Jul 3, 2018
94
Yes I very much resonate with all of you. I'm 22 and I have a guy's physical body but I'd much rather be a cute little girl, because I feel that would reflect my personality and values (beauty) much better on the outside (just like we can reflect our personality on the outside in the form of clothing etc). I always play female characters in video games and use girly names online and watch female youtubers/streamers, and it does make me happy in the moment, but then it also reminds me of what I will never be and it does kill me inside.

Luckily I'm pretty neutral in my appearance and voice, so the dysphoria isn't horrible for me (like I can be told as a guy from a picture, but I think I'm much closer to neutral than a lot of people), and I'm still figuring it all out. If this was my only problem in life and otherwise had everything I wanted, I could likely live with it, if, for example, I had an intimate connection to cuteness and beauty in the form of an adorable, loving and accepting girlfriend I deeply connected with, but there's likely nothing like that in store in the foreseeable future either because of my severe social anxiety, mental health and isolation issues. But I'm afraid it's just another issue among so many that collectively they will get me in the end. Might unfortunately very well just be the last nail in the coffin.
 
weedoge

weedoge

Banned
Jul 12, 2018
1,528
Yes I very much resonate with all of you. I'm 22 and I have a guy's physical body but I'd much rather be a cute little girl, because I feel that would reflect my personality and values (beauty) much better on the outside (just like we can reflect our personality on the outside in the form of clothing etc). I always play female characters in video games and use girly names online and watch female youtubers/streamers, and it does make me happy in the moment, but then it also reminds me of what I will never be and it does kill me inside.

Luckily I'm pretty neutral in my appearance and voice, so the dysphoria isn't horrible for me (like I can be told as a guy from a picture, but I think I'm much closer to neutral than a lot of people), and I'm still figuring it all out. If this was my only problem in life and otherwise had everything I wanted, I could likely live with it, if, for example, I had an intimate connection to cuteness and beauty in the form of an adorable, loving and accepting girlfriend I deeply connected with, but there's likely nothing like that in store in the foreseeable future either because of my severe social anxiety, mental health and isolation issues. But I'm afraid it's just another issue among so many that collectively they will get me in the end. Might unfortunately very well just be the last nail in the coffin.
Personally I have a really gross and ugly voice and that's one of the things that kills me the most, it's embarassing to be this way too. Hate it so much.