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Dead Ghost

Dead Ghost

Mestre del Temps
May 6, 2022
813
God has been giving lately. I got very strong and sustained anxiety last Saturday afternoon (around four o'clock) and it didn't stop.. I couldn't even sleep and I think between four and five o'clock Sunday morning it eased (but I couldn't sleep in that strip despite keeping my head blank) then it came back really strong and around 5pm on Sunday it stopped... but today is Monday (today is Monday!? I have altered time perception!) m 'he's back again after lunch.

My previous record was last January, it lasted from three quarter of eight in the morning to four in the afternoon in a sustained way... but this time it was a beast.

I don't know, I have a bad feeling it's going to get worse in the short term.

//

Déu n'hi dó últimament. Em va agafar una ansietat ben forta i sostinguda el dissabte passat a la tarda (cap a les quatre) i no parava.. no podía ni dormir i crec que entre les quatre y les cinc del matí de diumenge va afluixar (però no vaig poder dormir en aquella franja tot i posar el cap en blanc) després va tornar ben fort i cap a les 5 de la tarda de diumenge va parar... però avuí dilluns (avuí és dilluns!? tinc la percepció del temps alterada!) m'ha tornat altre vegada després de dinar.

El meu record anterior estava en el gener passat, em va durar desde tres quarts de vuit del matí a les quatre de la tarda de manera sostinguda.. pero aquesta vegada ha estat molt béstia.

No ho sé, tinc una mala sensació de que la cosa anirà a més a curt termini.
 
L

Lostandlooking

In limbo
Jul 23, 2020
327
I had to talk to someone today about how I’m doing and I hate it. Talking about things just emphasizes how different I feel about things compared to ‘normal’ people. I’d rather not talk again. And I feel weird and ashamed about it. So much of what I do and have done in life is to please other people’s expectations. Sometimes it seems that’s all there is.
 
jackie_boy1337

jackie_boy1337

Member
Nov 5, 2022
72
Nothing. Just exhaustion.

Maybe a little aggravation that I have to start a job tomorrow, that I probably won't be able to hold down.

Maybe a little sprinkle of hopelessness because my entire life have been completely dismantled over such a short period of time with no hope of repair.

At the end of the day, it's just a drop in the giant bucket of sewer water everybody calls "life".

Just glad that I can manage to turn it all to "nothing" by the time I go to bed.
 
Life_and_Death

Life_and_Death

typically not in the mental frame to converse..
Jul 1, 2020
5,598
people are "entertaining".
youre having problems and im not having problems yet you argue with me that you are paying attention. if youre paying attention why do you have problems and i dont?? thats rather f'en interesting how that works.
im f'en sick of liars

he even lies FOR me!!! he'll tell someone something for me and ill be like "just tell them this. why cant you tell them the truth?" and he'll blatantly lie ON MY FUKING BEHALF!!! let me think, why might i not want to talk to you, why might i not want you talking for me. its really f'en interesting
pathological lying mf
 
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O

outatime_85

Mage
May 17, 2022
528
I am

A loser.

A failure.

A burden.

Not as good as they think.

The Elephant Man.

Numb.

Empty.

Unworthy.

Unlovable.

Unable to fit in.

Unable to reach out to others.

Unable to ask for help or support, (So, I suffer in silence.).

Damaged.

Distant.

Closed off.

Socially dysfunctional.

An insomniac.

Alone.

Isolated.

Avoidant.

Self-loathing.
 
O

outatime_85

Mage
May 17, 2022
528
I blame myself for everything.

I have jacked my life up so much that there is no light at the end of the tunnel, no redemption story, and no sitting in a rocking chair next to someone who cares.

Every day, I get tired of fighting my brokenness; what's the point? (I am just going to fail.)

I just need to accept that when it's my time, it's my time, and that I deserve to go to hell, but knowing my luck, hell will not even have me.
 
S like suicide

S like suicide

Enlightened
Apr 29, 2021
1,231
I just want die,i want all this to stop...i don't want suffer anymore,i don't want feel so lonely,i don't want be so scared,i don't want keep seeing my family that doesn't give a shit about me,i just want be free and go home finally.
 
Life_and_Death

Life_and_Death

typically not in the mental frame to converse..
Jul 1, 2020
5,598
pathetic when you consider talking to your own brother as "going out of your comfort zone".
of course when talking to him is met with "how are you" "how was (recent holiday)" on top of him getting older (beginning of middle school). i stopped watching punky just because she started wearing makeup!!

im so totally broken 🥲
 
O

outatime_85

Mage
May 17, 2022
528
Everybody leaves me: parents, etc.

I was the kid alone in the corner, playing.

I was the quiet kid who did not know how to interact with other kids, so I was bullied instead of played with.

Instead of getting proper help, I self-medicated for years while growing into someone who never believed in themselves and still doesn't.

When people have tried to get close to me, I didn't know how and still do not know how to let them in, so they always end up leaving.

My days now frequently involve dealing with anxiety, depression, paranoia, and thoughts of suicide.

I've given up on making any friends, etc.

I just don't think I am worthy of anyone, so I avoid people.

I continue to live in isolation and refuse to let anyone get close.

I also deal with rumination and feel like I don't really belong.

I have no support system, no one to reach out to.

Vicious circle.

Maybe I deserved everything that was done to me and everything that happened in my life, and there is really something wrong with me, and I brought it all on myself.

So I just need to accept that I'm nothing, that I don't matter, that I'm not good enough, that I'm incapable of doing what normal people do, that I'm worthless, and that I've failed at everything I've ever tried.

Accept that the way my book ends is inevitable.
 
Rounded Apathy

Rounded Apathy

Longing to return to stardust
Aug 8, 2022
728
Like I hate my stupid fucking mind. I actually went out to hang with a friend and had a nice time, reflecting on how helpful it is to have an opportunity to get out of my miserable house and not be alone, aware that good things help resilience, only to come back and have something just trigger something that makes me feel totally awful and powerless and like both the underlying issues as well as the way my stupid fucking brain is predisposed to making awful associations between random things and awful things just deepens their ability to make life a living fucking hell. Fucking fuck.
 
Yungire

Yungire

Rabbits on the Moon
Dec 3, 2020
1,461
What do my parents think of me? Do they really see me as a burden? Can they really love a failed daughter like me? Every time I feel brush off is it my paranoia? They want the best for me, they work hard so I can hone my skills... Do they still look after me out of commitment or to not feel bad about themselves? Am I being unfair by doubt? I don't want more pressure, I don't want more stress, I just can't, I couldn't meet expectations before and I can't meet them now.

I no longer know if this feeling is a side effect of how guilty I feel for what I have done. Whenever I think about my bestie or my sis I fall into the same thought, they didn't have to leave this world, I was the one who shouldn't have been born, I should have been the one who died, such good people don't have to take the place of garbage like me.
 
Life_and_Death

Life_and_Death

typically not in the mental frame to converse..
Jul 1, 2020
5,598
i hate how fragile i am, and how needy that makes me....
i was having a good weekend. there were moments, stress, ptsd, whatnot. but it was ok because the last 2 days ended in my SO and i spending time and being really happy together (playing online games and puzzles). then poof, hes just gone off doing his own thing. just completely stopped responding to me. (its not completely horrible, i was warned ahead of time, said it was fine and he even let me know he was going. it couldnt have been handled any better). but my bpd and...i just crashed....not suicidal but im not feeling well again....
hes like a shield between me and my mh...when hes around it cant get to me, at least not as bad. but when hes gone my defenses are down and my problems are overwhelming. i cant keep him with me forever though...hes his own person that deserves to do his own things...


da hell..... and suddenly offline with nothing, nice

and now ive dropped to the lvl of suicidal...i just want it to stop. what better way to ensure that it does 🤷‍♀️
 
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Eternal Pessimist

Eternal Pessimist

Student
Oct 16, 2019
103
It really is devastating to realize what a mess I've made of my life over the past decade and especially during the last four years. Little by little I've dug myself into such a hole I have no idea how to get out. It's not often that I'm able to look at my situation as a whole. Usually I'm so incredibly anxious about just one or two things that I'm unable to look at the big picture. Or on the rare occasions when I'm not anxious I often waste the time with escapism of some kind.

I sometimes compare it to being lost at sea and drowning. You're obviously so focused on not getting any oxygen, the fact that you're nowhere near land is not something you can think about. But then when you do get your head above water and are able to breathe, you remember that you're still lost with no land in sight.
 
Gray Wounds

Gray Wounds

A Phantasmagoria
Jun 27, 2018
570
I hate hearing people talk. Their words are poison. Fucking poison. Always fucking poison. And if I talk back, I am the poison. Then they get mad because I won't listen. Because I shut my ears off with earphones/headphones. That is tiring. To always have to shut the music of life off because people are fucking ruining it with their words. Scream, then, you little fuckers. Scream at me. Scream at the top of your lungs. I will never hear you anyway. Fuck you. Fuck your words. Fuck your tongues. I will fucking live to see your mouths open in a suspended scream. That way, my silence will be justified. Or perhaps not. But so what? At least I cannot hear you anymore. At least you'll be dead silent, as you should have when your emotions get the best of you.

See, I am sick. But you tell me, "Do not pretend that you are. You have everything." Then I will burn everything. Except that everything is the only thing I have given myself. And why should I destroy what you will never build?

I never wish death to others. But I will not die so that you can fucking live without judgment. Not yet.

But at the same time, I just might. All the things i have done to be alive, all the things I have done to make myself feel comfortable, and yet, it will be extremely easy this time. How easy it is to kill myself after trying to swallow it all down all the goddamned time. It will be fucking easy.
 
not-2-b-the-answer

not-2-b-the-answer

Angelic
Mar 23, 2018
4,539
Awake... Wishing I could sleep. Woke up a few hours ago, still can't fall asleep.
Catching up on some of the music threads. Seems like I don't even have time for that anymore. (Except for now)
Dreading winter, the holidays, Christmas traffic... People, lines. Everyone so happy and I'm so miserable.
Wishing I could die so I can be free from it all.
 
Dead Ghost

Dead Ghost

Mestre del Temps
May 6, 2022
813
Unfortunately, I feel sick, very sad and alone (despite living with my mother.. what's a 44 year old guy doing living with his mother? it's not fair to her and I'm sorry).

I want to cry but there is something inside me that always prevents it... I don't feel well, I don't sleep well, I have small tremors (for now, let's see if I have strong ones again, I can see it coming every time winter approaches). I have nausea again, chills, heat...

I want to do things and get away with it.. but I get stuck, I can't continue. I want to do things and I can't.
I'm very tired and I think "how far will you go boy?"... "how far are you willing to go?"... and I don't know.

I know that the solution is in me (again...for the umpteenth time) but it's increasingly difficult for me to take risks because the margin of error is smaller every year that passes, every day that passes...

I am very tired and nervous, I am not well…

//

Malament, em sento malalt, molt trist i sol (tot i viure amb la meva mare.. que fa un tío de 44 anys vivint amb la seva mare? no és just per ella i em sap greu).

Tinc ganes de plorar pero hi ha alguna cosa dins meu que sempre ho evita... no em trobo bé, no dormo bé, tinc sacsejades petites (de moment, a veure si torno a tenir de les fortes, que m'ho veig venir cada cop que s'apropa l'hivern). Tinc altre cop nàusees, calfreds, calor...

Tinc ganes de fer coses i ensortir-me'n.. però em bloquejo, no se continuar. Vull fer coses i no puc.
Estic molt cansat i penso "fins ón hi arribaràs noi?"... "fins on hi ets disposat a arribar?"... i no ho se pas.

Se que la solució és en mi (altre vegada... per enéssima vegada) però cada cop em costa més arriscar-me perquè el marge d'error és més petit cada any que passa, cada día que passa...

Estic molt cansat i nerviós, no vaig bé...
 
Life_and_Death

Life_and_Death

typically not in the mental frame to converse..
Jul 1, 2020
5,598
dont you just love people that say things like "oh thats what you meant" when all you did was repeat the EXACT same thing you said previously.
dont just just love when that exact same person agrees with you when you mention how annoying it is when people prove they dont listen.
and then dont you just love when that exact same person looks at you and says "i dont understand why youre upset with me"
well i dont love it, its annoying and makes me hate them. and each time they do it, just makes it worse and it happens frequently (at least 2-5 times a day).
i cant wait to move, then ill only have to worry about ignoring myself

i completely advise being alone, then the only one to upset you, piss you off or make you cry is yourself.
 
Life_and_Death

Life_and_Death

typically not in the mental frame to converse..
Jul 1, 2020
5,598
:pfff::pfff: 2 people aked how im doing. i gave my typical answer of "not too bad" its not 'good' or whatever because, im not, rarely ever. but its not really giving away that im not ok.
i got 2 polar opposite responses. apparently "thats good" and "im sorry to hear about that what happened?" umm..i exist.

anyway, point of the post is i found it funny the same response got such totally different answers.
im also sitting here dealing with the 2 above posts and a question "what happened" i literally exist, thats it. how do i answer this one 🤦‍♀️ this is why i dont talk to people
 
O

outatime_85

Mage
May 17, 2022
528
A snippet from one of my long thoughts:

The question for me now is, "How do I even get help?"

Asking for help or expressing loneliness, depression, or any other emotion was frowned upon.

They were met with directives to suppress them, as they have no place in your life.

Dealing with mental health issues was and is frowned upon, so no testing, etc.; as a child, any crying was met with "Why are you crying?" and "What reason do you have for crying?"

The questions were not asked because my family wanted to know how I was feeling, but because those emotions were not permissible.

The rules in my environment were simple: "suck it up," "don't cry," "no complaining," "don't ask for help," "solve it on your own," "you're alone," "no one cares," and so on.

Any further displays of emotion as time went on were met with the consistent directive to "secure that sh*t," which meant "bottle them up; they have no place in your life."

So now I live not only with all of my past trauma but also with my inability to ask for help (not a good situation to be in), to be vulnerable (in any relationship), or to process and communicate feelings, and so rather than run the risk of stigmatization, bottling them up has been my primary directive and the safest option for all these years.