• Hey Visitor,

    In light of recent events, all community members in the US should reach out to their representative in regards to the Stop Online Suicide Assistance Forums Act that has been introduced in congress. This bill, if passed, could criminalize this community and hold it liable for simply hosting information.

    You should be able to locate and contact your represenative by going to this website. You can also contact Lori Trahan, the one spearheading this bill by calling her office at (202) 225-3411 or by leaving a message on the contact form on her site.

    One of the best ways to combat this is to make your voice heard. We're not political activists, but we made this notice to let you know that you do have a voice and that you do have representives that represent you in congress.
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GetMeOut

👍Team Night-Night👍
Jun 9, 2022
58
At my wit's end. I am totally trapped. All I want to do is die but consideration of my mum keeps me clinging on. I don't know what to do. I am totally trapped.
 
O

outatime_85

Mage
May 17, 2022
531
I hear and see things in the dark, and in the silence, my nightmares are like waves.

I just need to wake up, and whatever I see in the dark or whoever is sitting beside me talking to me will fade.

Yet I'm still in despair, and I know this will happen every night again and again.

I know my mind is deceiving me; what is happening isn't logical, but why do these things seem real?

I contend with the constant feeling or thought that something is wrong, as if my mind has its own mind.

mind broken, filled with fear, paranoia, self-hatred, and shame rather than happiness?

Even though I try to rest and understand all this, my mind is not clear and screams at me constantly.

My reality seems like a bad dream in real time.

I want it all to fade away, but at the same time I want to remember it forever; it feels important to me.
 
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outatime_85

Mage
May 17, 2022
531
Even though I was never taught or learned how to create relationships and connections, a part of me still yearns for them and thinks it would be nice to have a friend I can reach out to, and perhaps even someone who is not only supportive but also wants a future with me (to stick with me to the end), someone who is willing to see me at my worst and still respect and want me.

The emptiness of my life haunts me.
 
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outatime_85

Mage
May 17, 2022
531
I'm sitting on the flight deck of life, having never flown fully in the mission of life; I've only taken test flights, all of which have failed.

I'm now on the same life flight deck as before, decades later, an aging relic from long ago with no upgrades and the same skill set.

My inner voice says, "You have no skills." How can you attempt to restart your life? You will almost certainly fail.

The same voice reminds me: "There will be no support system, no family, nothing." No "Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen; this is your savior speaking."

So do I let my demons finally win and simply forget any thought of restarting and prepare to bury this fossil (self-delete) that was not equipped to win the game of life?

Or

Do I say screw it and go full throttle, even though I'll be outmatched?
 
A

anon789

New Member
Nov 12, 2022
4
I feel like giving up. I feel guilty and alone. I'm worried I don't have the balls to CTB. I'm also so worried I'll tell someone something and I'll get put into some insane place. I'm scared about dying, but I think I'm more scared about living. Both suck. I wish I knew what was out there after life, I'm hoping it's nothing. I don't want to get better, but I don't want to give up (and die). I"m stuck in this weird in-between state. I'm hoping I'm filled with tumours and die young from something other than suicide, I think that would hurt the people around me less. I care about them so much, just don't know if I wanna live for them.... I hate this.
 
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outatime_85

Mage
May 17, 2022
531
Bottling up emotions can only be done for so long, and I want to experience now, before my time is up, what it is like to have someone I can open up the flood gates of emotions with and not have them regard me as no longer worthy because I became emotional, and without them simply treating me as something they can wrench on and fix.

Then I hear the voice.

Nobody wants or needs you, so stay alone and isolated.

You are not worthy of anyone's respect.

Why risk further pain and rejection?

They're going to just dip out.

The voice then says that you so desperately want something that you are not worthy of.
 
CTB Dream

CTB Dream

Disabled. Hard talk, don't argue, make fun, etc
Sep 17, 2022
449
This exist alwa cost money grind no possible hard ,worse feel money food etc money move all disappear make feel nothing do all lose,real tire no wanti more live
 
Life_and_Death

Life_and_Death

typically not in the mental frame to converse..
Jul 1, 2020
5,604
Random flare up? i was doing "fine" i was doing "better" i was doing "ok". today i feel... blah. i feel like shit. im not interested. why couldnt this have hit yesterday or tomorrow. im suppose to spend time with SO today and im not in the mood. nor do i want to tell him. although considering i told him if im off it means im off, he probably already knows...
is it even a random flare up? or am i just tried of partaking in shit i want less than nothing to do with?
 
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outatime_85

Mage
May 17, 2022
531
I went for my outdoor exercise.

Normally, when I go for my outdoor exercise and I see all the people together, hanging out, working out, etc., the loneliness hits me, but I can usually shrug it off.

However, when the holidays arrive, those same feelings and thoughts hit me in a different way, and I realize just how unwanted, lonely, isolated, and friendless I am.

While I think that having one person who is not going to dip and who can be called a friend or even something closer is something I would like to experience, it is difficult to make new friends when one does not already have any.

So I am left to sink deeper into loneliness, despair, isolation, self-hatred, or any other negative thought I have about myself.
I am way too far gone; I am "Persona Non Grata," and I need to accept that while I would like to experience having one solid friend, I do not have the skills or intelligence to have such things, so no one will have me.

Sorry if my writing is incoherent or rambling.
 
Life_and_Death

Life_and_Death

typically not in the mental frame to converse..
Jul 1, 2020
5,604
god youre annoying! everything is always about you and youre always twisting words and shit. do you ever listen to you tripping over yourself? you sound like an idiot and im beyond tired of it....and yet somehow its going to be my fault. im just waiting for the second i walk out that door. youre going to slander my name, although i pray im wrong.... your actions, arent my fault......if you didnt like it you should have left, not pulled me down... and dont you DARE ever say youre hurt more when my friends listen to me go on cptsd rants about you almost daily (at least the ones i share). yet somehow i know youll try to say youre worse off even though nothing is worse than cptsd. (for anyone reading this that might disagree, cptsd is multi-traumas. to say cptsd is the worst isnt taking away from the action that caused it, just saying that you remember it. and being stuck with the memory is worse then having it happen then "going about your day".)
 
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-Raven's Night-

-Raven's Night-

wanna join the club 27
Jan 31, 2020
38
I am in the biology lab. The instructor was telling us about the discussion in the lab report. Everything was fine, but you know how life with autism hypersensitivity in a university could be, a classmate keeps making sounds of agreement which absolutely make me unable to concentrate on what the instructor said. So annoying that I know if I told her I will annoy her because in the past I have noticed that she seems to don't want to talk to me, and moreover I myself could talk to myself often and annoying others (because of some asd traits I guess) and I know the feelings when I swing back and forth and be scolded for those behaviors. I Seem to don't have a balance in my life, as if everything happening that worries me is important no matter how small things they are, but good things are just like unimportant, make me excited for a while, then again worthless as they should be.
after going out of the lab I'll go to deal with the shitty assignments I have done, being asked to resubmit. go to office hour, good luck.
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: Cathy Ames
Ineedtodie

Ineedtodie

Shame, Avoidance, hopelessness, lonliness, cbt, pm
Nov 9, 2022
195
Numb(due to anxiey pills), lonely(unvalidated by all), unsafe(because I' m nobody),
Depressed and unmotivated and without drive or purpose.
All I can come up with.
 
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Reactions: Cathy Ames
makethepainstop

makethepainstop

Enlightened
Sep 16, 2022
1,919
Too dark and too cold. Every eye's on me. I want to curl up and just scream. Continuous, blood-curling screaming until I lose my voice, until my ears pop. Maybe then I can expel the suffering. Fucking suffering. Always suffering. It never ends. I see the sun today and then the next second it's dark again. Never an afternoon to spend. Always darker than night. The ants are keeping me awake. I wonder if that will be the same when my body's inside the coffin and ants will be crawling around me. Will someone flick them off and say things that are real good to hear when I was still around and alive. The animals are croaking. Danger. A warning. Goddamn. This world's awful. It's too fucking mortal. And morbid.
Anger, raw almost inconsolable rage. My brothers and sisters were shot in a Colorado bar. One politician is stating that they, the dead are now roasting in hell?!! (Another person I wish I had some quality time alone with). Others calling it the homocaust?!! Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO) with her hateful comments. That fat kid Anderson Lee Aldrich, just give me five minutes in a room alone with his fat ass. I am barely hanging on by using logic. We all have people we don't like, but damn if I can see deliberately going to their space and killing them. The idiots that go around thinking that they are the ones going to be doing the hurting, should understand that they too can be on the receiving end of hurt. Going to try some meditation and TCH gummies when I get home to try to calm down. thanks for listening.