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ondodera

ondodera

Member
Joined
Mar 17, 2018
Messages
16
I feel like such a burden not only on my family but everyone that i've ever became acquaintances with. Truly I do wish I could just fade away from existence without a trace, no memories left and with it the weight of my burden. My online friend who i've grown quite attatched to recently attempted to CTB and I suppose failed.. not entirely sure if they tried it again but they've gone completely quite. Shamefully to admit, as much as I didn't want to think of them to go through with it.. I was also envious that they were able to leave just like that while I stick around. Everything just feels so overwhelming lately, I can't understand why it won't just stop. It's not fair that I get a family that loves me as much as one should, while some who do actually want to live don't get that. I hate it here, I can't see anything but guilt, shame, and pain ahead of me.
 
Nessie

Nessie

Cynical
Joined
Aug 23, 2020
Messages
1,204
Randomly falling asleep when I've got shit to do is one of the most infuriating things that happen to me lately. Logically, I understand that my body needs sleep for some godforsaken reason and I am physically incapable of pulling multiple all-nighters in a row so it's ought to happen, I just have too much crap on my plate. But on an emotional level I realize I just randomly wasted 3 hours and want to burn the world down because of it. Or at least roll on the floor in a tantrum like a toddler that hates naps.
 
Belaya Noch

Belaya Noch

Member
Joined
Sep 3, 2020
Messages
62
Strange things happened to me during the last 24 hours. Yesterday evening I had a huge drop in mood. It was so deep that I thought I wouldn't get out of it anymore and remain in a vegetative state permanently.
But after a dozen or so hours, the pendulum hit the other side and now I feel so full of energy like never before this year.
 
Sherri

Sherri

Archangel
Joined
Sep 28, 2020
Messages
5,881
Mornings I’m ok, but the gap between 3-7pm when Im off it’s pure torture, I try to go for drives and get myself out of the house as much as I can. But afternoons I just wish I had a magic pill to make me happy.
 
Fehler

Fehler

Waiting for the courage or keep sinking
Joined
Oct 12, 2020
Messages
395
I am one of those who like to take things slow and planned in advance. I have noticed that when I was with a date set for ctb, I was much better than normal, as if I had accepted it and released the worries that I had.
After giving myself a chance, I feel again the burden from which I broke free by then.
 
feast or famine

feast or famine

Tell Patient Zero he can have his rib back.
Joined
Jun 15, 2020
Messages
315
I am very, very sad at the loss of my friend I met through here. He became a friend to me last August when I really needed one. He was kind, intelligent, caring, witty - the list of the good qualities he had is endless.

We'd speak on the phone for so long that our jaws would hurt by the end of it. We shared our life experiences, insights, theories, and sometimes we would just shoot the shit. His pain was immense and he was very burdered by it. I just wish he could have seen his brilliance and how much he had to offer.

I have truly connected with only two people here and now they are both gone. I know it's hypocritical to wish they were still here since it's not my choice at the end of the day, but that doesn't mean that it's any less devastating when it happens.

It's hard to be on this site when you bear the loss of the beautiful people you connected with whose souls were nothing but pure. It makes me angry that life's cruelty fucks people over like this. They each deserved a better ending.

I probably shouldn't be on this site anymore. I know I'm not the only one who has lost friends here, but I feel this deeply and should probably just really try and focus on recovery and not use this site as a crutch. I can't take any more loss.

To the two friends I made here who impacted me in many ways even in the small time frame in which our paths crossed - you will never be forgotten. I hope the suffering you endured for far too long has now been lifted. You are free from this hell on earth. I have nothing but love in my heart for you both.

Rest easy, @Captive of Mind and I hope you're still resting easy, @falloutcarter13. :heart:
 
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Fehler

Fehler

Waiting for the courage or keep sinking
Joined
Oct 12, 2020
Messages
395
feast or famine said:
I am very, very sad at the loss of my friend I met through here. He became a friend to me last August when I really needed one. He was kind, intelligent, caring, witty - the list of the good qualities he had is endless.

We'd speak on the phone for so long that our jaws would hurt by the end of it. We shared our life experiences, insights, theories, and sometimes we would just shoot the shit. His pain was immense and he was very burdered by it. I just wish he could have seen his brilliance and how much he had to offer.

I have truly connected with only two people here and now they are both gone. I know it's hypocritical to wish they were still here since it's not my choice at the end of the day, but that doesn't mean that it's any less devastating when it happens.

It's hard to be on this site when you bear the loss of the beautiful people you connected with whose souls were nothing but pure. It makes me angry that life's cruelty fucks people over like this. They each deserved a better ending.

I probably shouldn't be on this site anymore. I know I'm not the only one who has lost friends here, but I feel this deeply and should probably just really try and focus on recovery and not use this site as a crutch. I can't take any more loss.

To the two friends I made here who impacted me in many ways even in the small time frame in which our paths crossed - you will never be forgotten. I hope the suffering you endured for far too long has now been lifted. You are free from this hell on earth. I have nothing but love in my heart for you both.

Rest easy, @Captive of Mind and I hope you're still resting easy, @falloutcarter13. :heart:

Sorry, mate. It is easy to get attached to the people on this forum but at the same time also lose them. With some I did not even share words but reading their post was sometimes enough to become fond of.
 
strangeceleste

strangeceleste

Don’t believe everything you think
Joined
Mar 2, 2021
Messages
86
I’m trying to navigate how I feel in this moment, but it seems I prefer feeling void of anything. Chronic emptiness is my hallmark, since when I do feel anything, it’s just so overwhelming. However, I am just getting to the end of watching Pretty woman for the first time, and it’s pretty undeniably ‘feel good’ hehe
 
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LittleBabyNothing

LittleBabyNothing

Suffering Autointoxification
Joined
Nov 22, 2020
Messages
436
strangeceleste said:
I’m trying to navigate how I feel in this moment, but it seems I prefer feeling void of anything. Chronic emptiness is my hallmark, since when I do feel anything, it’s just so overwhelming. However, I am just getting to the end of watching Pretty woman for the first time, and it’s pretty undeniably ‘feel good’ hehe
i like films to stir some feeling, any feeling in me, when the emptiness is strong.
 
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Reactions: strangeceleste
http-410

http-410

nowhere
Joined
Sep 12, 2020
Messages
568
It's hard to put into words. I feel totally torn. I'm the problem. I'm the source of my suffering. If I were not, I wouldn't suffer, would I?

There's pain, despair, but also numbness. I'm desperate, feeling trapped and the need to get out of everything. I want to break out of this lifeless shell of flesh. I just want to check into the hotel and get it over with. I'm considering whether an impulsive decision wouldn't be better. Otherwise, I'll think about it until infinity, when and whether I do it or not. F*cking lockdown.

Just shoot me, shove me on the train track, give me N to drink. I'm just tired of it, I can't take it anymore, I don't want to wait forever. Sooner or later the numbness will overtake me and I'll linger in the feeling of indecision again. I'm so tired of it.

Another insignificant vent.
 
Celerity

Celerity

Enlightened
Joined
Jan 24, 2021
Messages
1,029
I’m feeling...okay, considering? I’m chatting with this chick I know is taken and hoping for more. I don’t have much time left. I guess I have to make the most of it, but I don’t really know how to do that.


Also, it’s my birthday today, and I guess I just feel okay about it. I don’t see much point in celebrating but with only a few years left, I might as well do something. I plan on taking a short road trip this weekend by myself. Clear my head. Scope out my CTB location.
Going Home said:
What happened?
 
Lmd

Lmd

Mage
Joined
Jul 12, 2020
Messages
575
I'm lost. It seems that everything I do lately It's wrong. The person I need to talk to is ghosting me so I'm doing things obviously wrong and I can't talk with anyone about it. I can't do the things I want because I'm aware that they are creepy, people is mad at me for reasons that aren't my fault, I have problems that makes me be umconfortable in my house and the only thing I can do is wait to things solve by it's own or or move and fuck them a little more. Despite everything I feel strangely good.
 
D

DunnoWhyButYeah

~*-*~
Joined
Apr 3, 2020
Messages
162
Lost, lonely, frustrated, broken heart, forgotten, sad, angry, confused, hopeless. I want my friend back... Yeah that's all what I feel now and what I have felt since my friend left me.

He was important for me, he said months he is my friend, we played games daily and many hours together... He know things what I normally don't tell everyone.

And then he did something (I understand why, but it still doesn't make that easy for me) what was very painful for me. And he say that wasn't what he wanted, but have to. And week after that he was still normal when sent message to me and I thinked everything is going to be OK. But no... Now he ignores me totally and I can't take it. I can't trust anyone anymore and baddest thing is, that if he send me message I will reply it and start hoping again.
 
Imaginos

Imaginos

Full-time layabout
Joined
Apr 7, 2018
Messages
572
No matter which way you slice it, I'm a complete fucking loser. The entirety of my miserable existence has just been one disappointment, disaster, and deluge of shit after another. My life has sucked so fucking bad, for so fucking long, it's truly staggering beyond belief. And the fact is, it's never going to get any better. I'm just going to get angrier, and sadder, and become even more of a dissociated corpse drooling in the corner. Travel? Love? Happiness? Success? What THE FUCK are those???? Hell, if I'll ever know. That stuff aside, how about literally anything positive at all that would even minimally justify this putrid puddle of writhing maggots that is my every waking moment? I just can't believe this. The fact that all THIS, this unending rottenness, was what passed for my life. I was a miserable sack of useless shit and then, whenever the blessed day it happens, I finally just fucking died. No joy, no good times, literally nothing redeemable whatsoever. I endured a pathetically empty existence only to die as pathetically empty and miserably as I "lived". I just can't even believe it. What the fuck was even the point of this? Oh, wait a minute, that's right. There was no fucking point. All I know is that I am DAMN UNLUCKY to be here. Out of tens of millions of possible individuals, it was ME that had to be here holding the cosmic bag of shit. And man, and I mean MAN, do I fucking hate here. Eking by as some worthless god damned loser, who's too weak, too afraid, too bitter, and just all around too fucking shitty to live. I'm just totally fucking dumbfounded by the sheer futility and malignant uselessness of my existence. If I had a gun right now I'd stick it in my mouth and shoot myself immediately.
 
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Morituri_Te_Salutant

Morituri_Te_Salutant

-
Joined
Apr 17, 2021
Messages
110
Seems like my mom loves to pull the "I do everything for you, I give allowance for you; and yet you have the gall to disagree with me?!" card everytime I go against some of her wishes, like, me wanting to learn cooking rather than depending on a maid until fucking grim reaper comes along and reaps my soul. I actually asked her as to what that pathetic attempt at guilt-tripping had anything to do with a spat we just had, and according to her - "It had E V E R Y T H I N G to do with the spat we just had. That's right. E V E R Y T H I N G." Ugh. I really want to leave this household so fucking bad...

If anyone's wondering what the spat was about - it was about my university admission. My dad wants to enlist me to other Unis, whereas my mom wants to enlist me at this one specific Uni where a relative of ours is working on. My mom was telling me not to listen to my dad, because if I followed his directions - I'd be alone at some home with no maids to cook and look after me. I fired back, saying that "It's alright, I can learn how to cook" - which, my mom mocked about; and I fired back (sorry, but I despise this household); which led to her stating what's on the above paragraph. I guess my mom felt defeated in the argument and wanted to have the last laugh. Sorry if I sound arrogant here, it was not my intention.

Before my mom went to her room, she asked me an "Armor-Piercing Question", stating that my admission fees are worth the equivalent of US$12.5K, and all of it was being paid by her and not by my dad. I was really tempted to fire back by stating that the reason my dad's not paying a single enny is because I'm not being enlisted to an Uni that he likes. But I didn't want to stoke the fire.

I'm wondering if I should start a series of threads on this forum about my time in this bloody household until I'm finally free from this madness...
 
D

DunnoWhyButYeah

~*-*~
Joined
Apr 3, 2020
Messages
162
After many months I got my friend "back", feels so good to talk with him everyday and play with him. I tried partial few days ago and it was going well and felt good but then my rope couldn't take it. So here I'm. I feel like I want to hide, I have some weird stalker after me (online, but not here I think and hope). I'm glad that I don't tell here things what someone could use and recognize me, but still little more paranoid as usual. Atm I can't be as open as I want, I can't show that I'm online somewhere where I normally show it. It makes things very difficult for me and my friends, they never know when I'm there and when I'm not. But this person try to get closer to me with different accounts and identity, I want to know why. And I want to know who he really is, but he don't tell me, but still he do those things that way that I can know he is same person again (and my friends noticed that too). I really don't understand why someone do things like that.
 
avoid_slow_death

avoid_slow_death

Ready to embrace the peaceful bliss of the void.
Joined
Feb 4, 2020
Messages
614
Other than basic needs, indifferent. Just simply don't care about anything other than doing what is necessary to "live". Feeling is a burden and pretty much useless anyways as it is simply a distraction from the utter pointlessness of existence.
 

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