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Celerity

Celerity

Enlightened
Joined
Jan 24, 2021
Messages
1,084
I’m really lonely. I talk to people all day at work, but it’s not the same when it’s strangers and when it’s part of your job. I don’t think anyone will ever want me for me. It’s always for something else that’s temporary. The minute they find someone better, they’re gone. I wish I could be a desirable person. Sometimes I lie to myself and pretend I am or could be in the future, but the story of my life tells the tale: people just aren’t that into me.
 
avoid_slow_death

avoid_slow_death

Ready to embrace the peaceful bliss of the void.
Joined
Feb 4, 2020
Messages
625
Celerity said:
I’m really lonely. I talk to people all day at work, but it’s not the same when it’s strangers and when it’s part of your job. I don’t think anyone will ever want me for me. It’s always for something else that’s temporary. The minute they find someone better, they’re gone. I wish I could be a desirable person. Sometimes I lie to myself and pretend I am or could be in the future, but the story of my life tells the tale: people just aren’t that into me.
This
 
BlankUser

BlankUser

Arcanist
Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
465
I feel so sad today. I just wanna cry. I'm procrastinating since morning... Barely can do anything. It takes me hours to do simple tasks like laundry, dishes, showering. I wish I had more energy. I just want some vodka and french fries;(
 
L

luten

work, love, and learn
Joined
Feb 25, 2021
Messages
367
broken, defeated. ok wait "almost defeated" .... I will only be defeated once I am dead.
 
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D

Darkpheonix

Member
Joined
Nov 1, 2020
Messages
15
Desperate, anxious, sad and wanting peace. I'm terrified it won't work when I do it. I have no one to talk to at all. Just reading other people's comments and posts is what gives me a little help x
 
Nessie

Nessie

Cynical
Joined
Aug 23, 2020
Messages
1,204
I tried my best to be friendly and positive and palatable and normal to connnect to other people and I failed miserably. I feel like a ghost, like I don't exist already and for some silly reason it really hurts me on top of physical pain.
Why can't anyone love me?
 
C

Curious89

Fleeting glimpse of existence
Joined
Oct 11, 2019
Messages
380
I don't know what I'm feeling. It's a mixture of dullness, sadness, lack of enthusiasm.

I know the obvious answer seems like it is 'depression'.

But it's deeper than that for me. It's not really a clinically diagnosed depression that you can cure with meds.

I am just deeply sad because of how much I feel my brain is under developed even after crossing the physical age of 30.

It's like I was not meant to be mentally strong or capable and yet the situation I am in constantly demands that I act like I am mentally strong.

It is very disheartening for me and is that constant reason for frequent suicidal ideation.
 
A

AndromedaZ

Member
Joined
Oct 6, 2020
Messages
14
I wish I had a drink or some drugs or just any way to escape my head for a bit. Not really ready to ctb, but not really ready to face reality, either. Like is overwhelmingly oppressive and I just fucking can't today. Time keeps moving forward and I want it to because every day is one day closer to the end, but also I wish things would just pause for a moment so I could rest. I'm tired. Not the kind of tired that a nap would fix, just tired of being a person. Maybe I would be happier if I was a cat. My kitty seems happy. I'm so glad I have her but I also wish I didn't because I'm literally alive because I don't know who would take care of her if I wasn't around anymore.
 
Celerity

Celerity

Enlightened
Joined
Jan 24, 2021
Messages
1,084
AndromedaZ said:
I wish I had a drink or some drugs or just any way to escape my head for a bit. Not really ready to ctb, but not really ready to face reality, either. Like is overwhelmingly oppressive and I just fucking can't today. Time keeps moving forward and I want it to because every day is one day closer to the end, but also I wish things would just pause for a moment so I could rest. I'm tired. Not the kind of tired that a nap would fix, just tired of being a person. Maybe I would be happier if I was a cat. My kitty seems happy. I'm so glad I have her but I also wish I didn't because I'm literally alive because I don't know who would take care of her if I wasn't around anymore.
Mood
 
Dr Iron Arc

Dr Iron Arc

Into the Unknown
Joined
Feb 10, 2020
Messages
14,797
I feel like I’m growing even softer and more pathetic than ever before or maybe I’m just too traumatized. I just watched all of Invincible and couldn’t fully enjoy it because it was too violent and hits too close to home. I also recently saw Castlevania season 4 and even though I liked seasons 1 and 2, 3 and 4 felt gratuitous with their violence and edginess which really bothered me. The only shows I recently saw that I did like were Wander over Yonder and Camp Cretaceous season 3 both of which are kids shows and that’s the exact level of intensity I can deal with right now and no further. If I’m mentally regressing just kill me already.
 
lanax09

lanax09

wanted in 17 countries for arson
Joined
Apr 17, 2021
Messages
235
sort of bored, my day has not been good nor bad, but it's been filled with an absolute mental bleakness and dissatisfaction, like one of those times you spend the whole day doomscrolling reddit and only end up worse. I've not really done anything fun.
 
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S

sadlife11134

Member
Joined
Jan 23, 2021
Messages
8
I'm constantly bored just waiting for the SN to arrive. Was watching old family guy episodes while playing EU4 but now I don't feel like doing either of those.
 
Imaginos

Imaginos

Full-time layabout
Joined
Apr 7, 2018
Messages
572
I can't abide, nor can I accommodate human relationships. They're just completely fucking impossible. Recently I've gotten pretty definitive evidence that this is the case, although I've known it in my heart ever since I was a toddler and hardly needed any extra confirmation. There's just something, or more accurately A LOT, missing inside me to actually allow for this sort of thing to work and be sustainable. Sooner or later, the whole thing just starts to overwhelm me and I retreat back into the darkness from whence I came. The excruciating inconvenience of all this comes down to the fact that I'm never satisfied with where I'm at. When I'm alone, I feel frustrated, bored and lonely. When I'm talking with another person, I feel exhausted, overwhelmed, restricted, and just generally not all that keen on keeping the whole thing going. There's a sense of pressure and expectation to preform that I simply can't meet. I can for a little while, but eventually I just want to give up and lay in my bed all day instead. And so, as with everything else in my life, the whole thing comes tumbling down and finds itself lying shattered in a million pieces. In the end, it just makes me realize that I'll always be alone. There's literally no other choice and, if anything, at least this recent experience proved to me pretty definitively that I'll never be capable of maintaining any sort of active human interaction, even if they're genuinely nice people and mean me well.

I haven't spoken with anyone by myself, face to face, in one to one fashion for at least 16/17 years. We exchanged long messages on reddit after this person reached out to me on there and eventually we spoke with each other on Skype face to face. It was a pretty tough thing to do, considering how anxiety inducing the whole thing felt at first, but somehow it didn't go all that badly, and in fact went pretty well. However, the other person I was talking to had a lot of issues herself and eventually it became this thing where I was talking to her literally everyday for 4+ unbroken hours. I kept saying it was fine and that it was no trouble to me, but actually it was super fucking exhausting and I just kept telling her what she wanted to hear to the point it felt like a literal 9-5 job to talk to her. Anyway, eventually I had to tell her that this wasn't going to work and that it was wearing me down too much and, although I didn't tell her this last bit, how I'd honestly rather just go back to being alone.

So yeah, I guess this was a pretty terrible experience in its own right, but it really soured me on the possibility for human interaction and I doubt I'll ever make another go at it ever again. For what it's worth, this person was extremely nice and understanding and they showed me a lot of compassion, but they were also very clingy and overbearing in their own way. It didn't help how they had kind of a sensitive spot for being on time, so that even if I were like 10-20 minutes late, or whatever, they'd be noticeably triggered/irritated. It also didn't help that I tend to oversleep and have been notoriously late for everything in my life, so yeah. I'd say that was a huge hurdle to contend with as well when it came to all this. But again, we shared a lot of resonance on a great many things and for a time it was really nice to talk to them, but the fact that they wanted to talk every single day for such great lengths of time, and also expected a couple texts afterwards, just totally had me drained to the bone. It really sucks that they couldn't have been more chill when it came to this stuff because I really could've seen us being good friends, but as it is the thought of ever talking to them again just kind of nauseates me, frankly.

Me though, I'm way too lazy and should've been more upfront about boundaries early on, instead of pretending that everything was okay. Well, either way, I have no friends and am basically alone forever. After all this happening, maybe that's for the best. It's taught me a lot in that sense, especially as someone who's never had a friend, or this kind of human connection before, which for other people is relatively normal, since almost everyone tends to have at least one or a couple friends, whereas I have none.
 
Celerity

Celerity

Enlightened
Joined
Jan 24, 2021
Messages
1,084
As I was drifting off to sleep last night, I pictured my suicide as I often have before. Maybe it was the primitive brain kicking in and asserting the survival instinct, but I was immediately terrified of the possibility and wide awake. My reaction is typically neutral/numb, so I’m not sure what is going on. All I know is that I wish the pain would end. I don’t see how it will if I continue living. Here’s to hoping I give up hope!
 
C

Charmolypi

Member
Joined
Jan 18, 2021
Messages
22
Exhausted. My body moves and the air is viscous, any action is an act of resistance. My thoughts feel equally fragmented and heavy to pick up and examine, like rusted iron. Sometimes, though, I examine the particular design of an object or the way light flickers through my candle, and I can stop identifying with this tired body, with this tired mind. There's a sense of peace in letting go, in forgetting about the world.

Then it all comes back, stronger than before. I sip a glass of water and I lie in bed.
 
S

Stargazer100

Member
Joined
May 25, 2021
Messages
28
Disappointment, because good summer weather has finally started today and there is nothing I can use it for, no one to meet up with. Something I looked out for but has no use to me
 
S

ShePastAway

-
Joined
May 19, 2021
Messages
97
Absolute shit. I feel so alone, tired, frustrated, angry, hopeless, disgusted by this world and all it's injustices, so hurt, so beaten down and dejected. I'm in constant agony, I hate this ;-;
 
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