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Fehler

Fehler

Waiting for the courage or keep sinking
Joined
Oct 12, 2020
Messages
395
Blocked, having failed the last attempt I passed it for the following month but I have spent practically all this month regretting not having done it. I don't know what to do, I get tired of this monotony.
 
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W

whywere

Enlightened
Joined
Jun 26, 2020
Messages
1,059
It is 4:49 am on 05.29.21 and I am still up, can not sleep. Yesterday was a hell day as far as massive depression and terrible suicide thoughts. It was a very tough day. I took a walk, slept extra and made a pot of green tea and sat by a window and let the sunshine flow over me. Then I hopped on here and SS always makes me feel better. The global family always helps me and helps make me feel better. Without my family here, heavens I might as well be dead, the global family IS the reason I am still here. THANK YOU to everyone for the privilege on being able to call everyone here family. Walter
 
AloeGarden

AloeGarden

No more pressure to pretend
Joined
May 14, 2021
Messages
22
bored. empty. the same as usual. like a robot thats alive but not living life. controlled by anxiety
 
Fehler

Fehler

Waiting for the courage or keep sinking
Joined
Oct 12, 2020
Messages
395
I was somewhat tense these days because my mother told me the typical phrase “I think you and I have to talk one day". I thought that after so many years and some other failure she would have some idea of my intentions, but luckily it was not the case, she was only worried about my lack of motivation to find a job. I mean, if I plan to leave before the end of the year, why was I going to spend my last months working? Obviously I did not tell her that, but I gave her to understand not to worry, that I "have already an age" and I would manage.
After almost a decade I signed up in temporary work companies, job web pages and the job board of my region and town and that the few jobs that I did I found on my own...you end up demotivated.
 
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W

whywere

Enlightened
Joined
Jun 26, 2020
Messages
1,059
Fehler said:
I was somewhat tense these days because my mother told me the typical phrase “I think you and I have to talk one day". I thought that after so many years and some other failure she would have some idea of my intentions, but luckily it was not the case, she was only worried about my lack of motivation to find a job. I mean, if I plan to leave before the end of the year, why was I going to spend my last months working? Obviously I did not tell her that, but I gave her to understand not to worry, that I "have already an age" and I would manage.
After almost a decade I signed up in temporary work companies, job web pages and the job board of my region and town and that the few jobs that I did I found on my own...you end up demotivated.
HI! I totally agree with the last part of your post about jobs that demotivate a person. I was at the same firm for almost 30 years, then good ol' covid came along and I got laid off last June, 2020. I have searched high and low for something half decent, and at least in my part of the world, the pay is really, really poor. Everyone deserves to be treated like they are truly part of a company . Where I was for so many years, I treated everyone the same, no matter their position. I knew the first names of the guards, janitors, everyone. WE are all the same and no matter what function one does within a firm it is very important. Walter
 
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Scribble Fan

Scribble Fan

I'm out!
Joined
May 30, 2019
Messages
624
I just can't take it anymore. My own soul is a prison of anxiety, paranoia, and depression. I'm going nowhere and I want out.
 
Sprite_Geist

Sprite_Geist

NULL
Joined
May 27, 2020
Messages
973
"I should head to the shop around the corner before it gets too late - like last time. I really need my filling of stroopwafel in the evening."
 
UseItOrLoseIt

UseItOrLoseIt

Fugazi
Joined
Dec 4, 2020
Messages
1,534
It's early morning, I'm at work. Feel on edge. Jumpy. Had such a shitty weekend. Might cuss some customers today. Everyone better behave.
 
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killedbypsychiatry

killedbypsychiatry

drugging kids is abuse
Joined
Jan 27, 2021
Messages
765
I’ve been feeling such a severe depression to the point that it physically hurts. I am so tired of this. So so tired of living in this diseased body and brain. Everyday feels like torture and I feel no escape. Grieving my life, severe rage towards doctors who did this, depression, pain... I worry about hurting my family but I just want the pain to end. My brain and body are so injured, bedridden most of the time, feeling severe depression, constant flashbacks and bursts of rage. I just want relief.
 
W

whywere

Enlightened
Joined
Jun 26, 2020
Messages
1,059
killedbypsychiatry said:
I’ve been feeling such a severe depression to the point that it physically hurts. I am so tired of this. So so tired of living in this diseased body and brain. Everyday feels like torture and I feel no escape. Grieving my life, severe rage towards doctors who did this, depression, pain... I worry about hurting my family but I just want the pain to end. My brain and body are so injured, bedridden most of the time, feeling severe depression, constant flashbacks and bursts of rage. I just want relief.
When I read your post, I cried for you, as far as I also have massive depression, and it truly hurts everywhere. I really want you to know that I have heart felt love and support for you. We as a family share joy and grief as one and with that aspect said, I send you lots of smiles, hugs, empathy and SUPPORT with the hope that this week has a lot of beautiful blue sunny skies for you to relax in and feel the warm sunshine and cool breezes flow over you. We are all family here and I will be thinking of you this week with the hope that you can enjoy some relaxing time. Hand in hand, shoulder to shoulder, we are one global loving family. Walter
 
western_heart

western_heart

Advanced darkness
Joined
May 23, 2021
Messages
65
So tired, it's been almost three hours since going to bed and I haven't slept a bit. There's too much on my mind, so much I can't even have strong emotions about anything. so I ended up logging on here in bed from my phone to calm me

Took another dose of benzos so I can hopefully get some rest. If I'm lucky I can write about how I feel tomorrow
 
UseItOrLoseIt

UseItOrLoseIt

Fugazi
Joined
Dec 4, 2020
Messages
1,534
Got my package of propranolol, meto and stresam (for sleep) today! Except it was stresam and two packs of trazodone, an antidepressant. Is this like a message?

Hey, fuck you russian pharmacy.

ИДИ НА ХУЙ
 
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signifying nothing

signifying nothing

-
Joined
Sep 13, 2020
Messages
2,566
Struggling, in turmoil internally, though it feels like it's distant, happening somewhere else. Fear there will be more tearing stuff up and throwing away today. Just need to clear out what I've been holding onto and accept the loss. Again.
 
Scribble Fan

Scribble Fan

I'm out!
Joined
May 30, 2019
Messages
624
I'm feeling very disorientated today. My head feels all headachy and fuzzy, I'm off balance, I can't breathe. It's all in my head but it feels so real.
 
Fehler

Fehler

Waiting for the courage or keep sinking
Joined
Oct 12, 2020
Messages
395
Lengthening the inevitable and procrastinating, as always. I already did a fast again for nothing, except for the order in the room, I had everything ready, I just had to start with the paracetamol and the consequent medication to end with the SN.
 
http-410

http-410

nowhere
Joined
Sep 12, 2020
Messages
568
Exhaustion and headaches. I just played with my cat and almost had to cry. They are too attached to me and I to them.

I can't stop thinking about rue and how painful it must have been (?) to say goodbye to their cat. A few weeks ago I even had a nightmare about their passing and woke up feeling completely terrified... I think it was because they were afraid until the end.
 
Bagger

Bagger

Stressful
Joined
Jun 18, 2019
Messages
293
I'm out of benzos and I can't get them anytime soon, anxiety is coming back and I can't sleep. 01:50 AM and I read SS God knows why, and I don't know what to do next. Maybe some Lex Fridman podcast will calm me down. Fuck this. I can barely see my SN on the table in the dark. But I'm not there yet. I feel nothing but anxiety and guilt.
 
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Deadboy

Deadboy

Member
Joined
May 25, 2021
Messages
10
As the days go by and I get older I'm stuck with an endless loop of memories. It's almost as if that's all I am. A library of memories. Some happy some sad, but all my brain seems to focus on are the sad ones. I think about my fiance that passed. We didn't have a perfect relationship and I got hurt in the process but I loved her. Hitting 30 recently has made it more...idk..heavy. I don't want to love again. I even tried and I can't. I just want to go and see her again.
 
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B

Beachedwhale

Arcanist
Joined
Mar 3, 2021
Messages
495
I need to ctb soon. I needed things to go differently. They could've so easily gone so differently if id just made one simple change I wanted to make but was too afraid to make around 10 years ago, something that would've given me confidence and assertiveness that I needed to stand up for myself and be able to make decisions out of desire, nor fear, and to be able to cultivate self love.

Even a few years after that there was time to change. I was just too afraid and risk averse. You are supposed to be bold and take risks in life. But I was raised on fear and self repression and abuse. It could've been so amazingly beautiful, but alas it was not and I fucked up quite badly. Those lost opportunities will never come back ever again.

I could live and try hard to salvage something out of the wreckage, or I could just end this ridiculous farce now.
 
LastFlowers

LastFlowers

the haru that can read
Joined
Apr 27, 2019
Messages
1,241
SCREAMING SCREAMING CRYING SCREAMING..the only food I had left just burned while the only other person in the house sat a few feet away, not even alerting me or having the decency (or common sense) to turn off the stove in the presence of my absent-minded hell state (they would rage even worse if I did the same to them)...so yea, that was just another straw that broke the camel’s back. Per usual.

I am on the edge and more than ready for this to be over, so waiting for a few more things to be taken care of is not what I want to be doing...I’m tired and I’m fucking angry and destroyed, I have had enough, I’ve had enough of everyone and everything and I’m sick of their whiny bullshit being heard while my torture and sobs are suffocated by the surrounding and deafening silence.
No one around me will ever know a fraction of the suffering I endure nor my endless and daily cries and pleas to escape, to be dead, to be anything but THIS.


Then..(secondary rant incoming)
Just the other day I was asked something out of the blue, by someone who would otherwise never ask such a thing (and never had until now, regardless of the opportunities.)
Now. When I’m at my WORST, they ask this!?!?
They have to either be willfully ignorant and oblivious to every single thing about me and my existence up until this point...which is basically impossible..or they just don’t care, they don’t respect me or the cause of my pain, they are willing to further humiliate me, their own fortune blinds them to the lack of my own...maybe they knew I would have to say No, so it was a guilt relief exercise..maybe they are itching to show off in front of me and make me their source of schadenfreude...maybe someone told them to do it (I have my suspicions)..maybe that someone is the same someone that this person keeps forcing upon me in every and any conversation I attempt to have with them!!
(which I stupidly try to avoid via semi-indulging it, in the hopes it will end there.)
..
Given all I know, there are absolutely ulterior motives at play, and I feel as though ‘you’ (this person who asked me the question) thought you were doing some sort of pity service rather than actually having interest in me as a human being, as our “conversations” are never inquiries about me or what I’m going through, all that I offer is ignored, and what’s left is me asking about YOU and you telling me about THEM.

So...
Since I can’t say it to “you” directly, I will say it here:
I don’t care about that other person you keep bringing up!!! I knew you long before they existed and to ask something of me, only as a way to include them and renew their relevance, is honestly insanely insulting and hurtful!!
Why couldn’t you just care about me on your own!?
Why couldn’t you have asked me this before they were involved or outside of their involvement!!?
The latter of which is a possibility you can’t seem to fathom!
(Any and all would be very difficult for me, but I would do it for you, minus any other person you are trying to involve, so long as my boundaries and coping mechanisms would be respected.)
You know I don’t see anyone, even my other family, so why in the hell do you think this other person is entitled to seeing me and playing nice!?
Do they think they’ve got some magic touch to lure out the disenfranchised!?
I’m not being the subject of someone’s twisted sense of charity!!

I know what they are and what their family is and I want NO PART OF IT.
They talk about being positive and kind but they are VILE, attention seeking, egotistical people who air out their dirty laundry-and everyone else’s-under their own name! (Thus eliminating the protection that anonymity allows to all sides.)
I don’t pry much as not to torture myself further, but I’m no idiot and I make a point of finding things out about the people who come within too few degrees of me. I’m sure what I haven’t seen, is worse than what have!
Including the fact that they make fun of ugly people like me, or call anyone who doesn’t look as good as they do- ugly and then bring it back up again, all over social media, laughing with their entire family about it!!
They did this to someone who shared their home and had a right to privacy within that home!! (And you became aware of this fact...I don’t care about the allegations that were brought up either, I say they deserve to be accused if their only defense is to say that the poor girl is just mad that they called her ugly!! HORRIBLE! How could you associate with someone who condones that!?)
So if they are willing to do that (and more) to their own, then what the FUCK do you think they will do to someone like me!? You’ve called me names yourself!
So why would I venture into a double sided arena from HELL where I have to walk on eggshells and kiss feet, else I be skewered!?!? (I have to do that with enough people already!!)
..
If anything goes awry, I will be in the range of fire and my private details could end up on FB, so NO THANKS.
Why would you want to open me up to that?
Why would you put your own blood in a position where their vulnerabilities are open to negative thoughts and actions from others, where their suffering is made light of or brushed under the rug with toxic positivity and fakery??
Don’t you want me to feel safe?! (Equal, valuable, etc)
I would never feel safe with that other person you suddenly seem to give every care in the world about-which you could somehow never afford anyone else!!
And they’re probably the last person who deserves it! That’s the irony!
I don’t want to be forced to witness you treat this extremely privileged person like royalty when you treated me like utter dog shit for quite some time growing up.
I can’t do what you’re asking and you know it.
..
I am sorry but why did you even have to ask the way you did?
Why offer a very specific opportunity-without offering a similar one that did not include someone I would be even more uncomfortable around than anybody else I’ve been unable to visit? It felt like purposeful cornering.
So I had to spell that out for you (and risk that other person reading it) as not to appear rude when denying your request/offer,
because rudeness from someone who looks like me (and whose life has been subjected to such) is not acceptable to someone who looks like you and your ilk.
Not acceptable unless to make the other people (you and yours) feel superior.
Why would you want that for me? Why? Do you hate me???
..And despite what you would think would be initial appeasement and gratitude on my end, I instead felt increased anxiety for the next 48 hours to the point of panic attacks. I already want to be dead!!
And if I were to tell you that, you would blame me and never ask anything or say anything to me ever again, probably bad-talk me to the very person you insist I meet, even though there are plenty of ways to go about trying to interact with me which are a million times more respectful of my situation (esp in relation to yours), than how you decided to ask.
Be aware of our own history in the least, you’re not the only person who I need to say these kinds of things to, and much, much more, but you’re just the person of the hour because what was asked caught me so off guard and just recently.
..
Maybe it was nothing to you, maybe my world of hurt and trepidation, worry, ptsd, and fears behind being asked what would otherwise be a simple and casual invitation..is something you could not even imagine, no matter how hard you tried.
If you somehow asked that with pure intentions (& from your own want, not someone else’s) and are really that far from realizing the reality I live..then I am partially sorry for saying all this, even though you will never read or hear it..but I have every doubt in the world that that is the case.
And even if it is, it still means I must have been invisible to you-out of sight and out of mind- for a long, long time, nothing until the whim to remember me flutters inside your mind...probably spurred on only by me taking the first step in reaching out (as best I can).
I’m just still thrown off by it, not the first time with someone so “close”, but it’s steeped in other factors that make it notably suspicious and surprising.
 
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nightnightnitrite

nightnightnitrite

baby blues
Joined
Apr 17, 2021
Messages
214
I wish my dad was here so I can ask him what to do. He always had the right answers. I miss his unconditional love and support, I'm so lost without it. Apart of me feels guilty for wanting to CTB because I feel like I don't have a good enough reason to as others, my brain says CTB but my body refuses to act upon it.
 

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