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Eire1992

Eire1992

Conducting an experiment on how it feels to die
Joined
Jun 7, 2021
Messages
58
Trapped. Completely trapped. I "might" have SN on the way. But it's so fucking hard to get in Europe at the minute that I don't know if it will even arrive or will be seized. My mind won't stop racing. I'm frantically researching other methods in case the delivery falls through. I have everything I need except this and after spending the day reading about some of the cases of it being seized in the UK (similar policies to my country) and forced welfare checks I'm spiraling big time. I haven't slept in days and I need this to go forward. I really need this. I need to know I've a way out and I need to be able to breathe and move forward with my plans. I made my decision, picked my method and I feel like the whole thing is standing on a knife edge now and I don't know how to slow down and stop my mind running itself in circles.

Logically I know that I should just calm down, wait for it to arrive or not arrive and find another source if need be. Logically I know that. But since when does logic have a bearing on our states of mind? I feel like I'm on a bad trip that won't stop and I need it to stop but the power to do that is out of my hands for now and so I'm just sitting here spinning my wheels in a permanent state of panic. I hate this. I fucking hate this.

Why is providing us an easy way out such an "immoral" thing for people? I look at normal people and just want to scream "You don't get a say in how I handle this or anyone else does if you haven't been through it yourself. Fuck. Off." All I can do is sit here and wait and hope and try and keep my mind in check or at the very least, don't let the bullshit playing out in there show to the people around me.
 
http-410

http-410

nowhere
Joined
Sep 12, 2020
Messages
636
I am still frustrated. Everything I do fails, I feel misunderstood, and therapy is a grotesque waste of time. I can't bring myself to make appointments to get medication for SN. Sleep is a mess and the humid weather makes it even worse. Even the poorest third-world countries manage to install ACs. It surprised me how many heat-related fatalities we have here and they are increasing. We are boiling frogs. Now I'm pretty tired, but still frustrated and a little hungry.
 
Tired Nacho

Tired Nacho

Member
Joined
Apr 30, 2021
Messages
25
Feeling completely lost, not knowing what to do, not understanding my feelings, knowing I probably will not see most of my "friends" after this year, knowing I probably will never get someone who really likes me, feeling like running away (but what would it change ?) , thinking about ending it all (but do I really want that?), hating myself for what I've become, for being bad at everything, knowing that people don't even notice my existence.
 
noon

noon

tired
Joined
Sep 14, 2019
Messages
35
this ended up being so long, I'm sorry. aaaaa
but it was a very much needed vent. (':

not sure what the word is I want as I can only think of "hurt" or "hurting".
I feel so much pain in my chest. the loneliness really sucks - I can only talk to my friends about so much without them getting uncomfortable. that's partly why I came back to this site anyways, but I've been a bit shy to even say anything. I've been doing a bit better about that today, though. told everyone I'd be off discord today and is why I wouldn't be responding to messages, but I'll check my phone and it is sorta upsetting to see nothing from anyone all day despite me being offline - not even much from this guy I'm dating. can I go on about that for a minute?

I have bpd but didn't bother (and denied that part of me) to do anything about it until 2 months after meeting him. something about him makes me want to try really hard to give this life thing another shot. so this journey to listen to myself and understand myself and bpd better means a lot to me, as it is my life and after losing everyone I cared about years ago, the people in my life now. . . I really want to care about this too. is that weird or selfish? communication is necessary in any kind of relationship, but with someone with bpd, it's uhh extra. . . necessary. I have troubles with splitting, especially on this guy, because there is nothing wrong with him mentally (that I or we know of) so it pains me to know that he will never feel the same intense feelings I feel and he will never like or adore me the way I do him (still hope for it anyways, sigh). that's one huge layer of insecurity over our relationship already and it's a daunting one because what do I do when. . . he doesn't know how to talk to me about this? or much at all about mental illness/health? it's so difficult already to ask someone for something I need and now I am paired with someone who tells me they don't know what to say or what to ask to get to know me and bpd better or doesn't at least give me random reassurance (not constant) after I mentioned multiple times it'd be really nice and helpful.
may was bpd awareness month right, and I really thought that "oh yes finally like, I feel comfy talking about this a bit more!" and started sharing a bunch of tweets and made a post about it myself, on twitter where he and my friends follow me, and. . . not much happened. I had one friend ask me some questions which was great, I appreciated it so much and I think he did too, but what I really wanted was to have conversations about this. I don't know myself too well but when people are open with questions and discussions, it helps not just them learn about me but it helps me too, learn about myself. so in my mind, most of my friends being absent during that whole month and this guy not really saying much about it, I felt like they just didn't care about it and me so, the very much inevitable split ensued and I hated everyone for a long long while -- and honestly? kinda still do.

leaving the topic of bpd behind now, I feel like such a small person in this man's life. we've talked about this before and he's said that being long distance is difficult (we are an hour apart - haven't met because I still need my vaccine/s and I'm trying to get over some trauma from the last time I met someone from the internet) and that if I was physically there, it's be easier to mix family, friends and me together. I am not trying to separate him from his friends and family or think I am more important, I just feel like the whole "long distance is hard" thing. . . is kind of an excuse -- like it is hard and dealing with other life things and balancing it all is hard too. I'm not asking for 24/7 attention, I just want to feel like I actually matter to him, if at all. I don't think anyone but one person in his life even knows I exist and when we play games, he has to hide his activity/online status because his friends are "annoying" -- I only kind of agree but that's because I've never spoken to them and he tells me many stories. I just feel like he. . . is very content with keeping me separated. we don't even hear each other's voices much unless we're both up to watch anime together. I genuinely feel like at times, he just isn't interested or maybe not as much as before or something. he doesn't tell me what he thinks or feels for me so how should I know. do I just trust him? if I didn't have bpd, it probably would just take one time of saying he likes me to be fine, but I unfortunately need a bit more effort and the last thing I ever want to be for him is too much. he tries, he really does. I just think I need a bit more from him. . . and despite the update on my profile, it's going to take a lot more than this, I think, for me to leave.

all of this though is only part of my reason for wanting to ctb. I just want something to work out for me and I'll fight for it. . . but I sure am getting tired.
 
grungeCat

grungeCat

Awkward & weird
Joined
Jul 5, 2020
Messages
966
I just feel fucking miserable,all I do is causing pain to my father, I can't repair my life, I'm a fucking loser, fat, ugly with numerous mental problems. I'd love to finally die but... I am so scared of death
 
http-410

http-410

nowhere
Joined
Sep 12, 2020
Messages
636
Frustrated, almost aggressive. I feel like shit, I'm sick of myself, and I'm extremely tired, but I can barely sleep. I can't escape this shitshow in my sleep anymore. Consciousness is a torment and it won't stop.
 
theSuiCiDalCupCaKe

theSuiCiDalCupCaKe

-
Joined
May 28, 2020
Messages
36
I am the one person everyone hates and they all want me dead. All of them. It's all fake the way they say they care when in reality they can't wait to have my funeral. Well they're getting what they want. As soon as the SN arrives.
 
demuic

demuic

Life was a mistake
Joined
Sep 12, 2020
Messages
854
Pain. Useless. Discarded. Not wanted. Not needed. Invisible. Alien. Disappointed. Crushed.

Having everything I enjoyed stripped away until there's nothing left but shell. Everything pointing toward the end.
 
Seaghost

Seaghost

Student
Joined
Apr 14, 2019
Messages
120
Turnin in circles around myself.

Looking out of the window and like to scream. Jump through the glass directly into a boat made of clouds. Setting sail the milky way. Just get away from here from this planet damaged over and over again by people...by people who wants to torture people.
Whisteling Styx - Come sail away

If I had the money I'd worked hard to make the world a better place.

Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me...
 
http-410

http-410

nowhere
Joined
Sep 12, 2020
Messages
636
Destroyed and incredibly tired.

The insomnia is making everything worse. Today, for once, it was a thunderstorm that woke me up. After that I could not fall asleep again.

I am unable to rest. The stress just keeps accumulating.

Someday I'll burst.
 
NeverSatisfied

NeverSatisfied

Experienced
Joined
Dec 28, 2020
Messages
219
I really just want to give real, true love to somebody and maybe have it reciprocated back. But even when it does get close to happening, I can't trust them. So that's a pointless feeling. I need to better accept loneliness.
 
http-410

http-410

nowhere
Joined
Sep 12, 2020
Messages
636
Even worse than yesterday. Overall, I slept longer than yesterday, but woke up several times and feel as if I had not slept at all. I am unable to do anything except have unbearable emotional pain and feel like I am losing my mind. There is no word that could describe this condition.

Destroyed is an understatement.

I feel surrounded by machines and am slowly becoming one myself. There are neither experts nor any help. They can express their sympathy, and at the very most prescribe medications that only make things worse, but no one can comprehend and understand.

I don't know myself if and why that would be important to me. I'm talking to a wall. Therapy feels like an excruciating life-prolonging measure, but it is predictable that I will die. I just want to pull the plug, but I can't do it (yet). I have to fight to get myself to finally do it. You're really screwed if you're too fucked up to kill yourself.

That being said, I feel ill-prepared.

There is so much I need to get done, but I just can't do it anymore.

I've been feeling so crappy for days, not only imagining the dying procedure as usual, but also thinking about how to say goodbye to my cats and what my last spoken words to the few people in my "life" will be. I think about writing a suicide note and its contents, but the few times I have started to do so, I have discarded them.

Exhausted.
 
Imaginos

Imaginos

Full-time layabout
Joined
Apr 7, 2018
Messages
588
(I couldn't fit this all into a wall/profile/status message, so I hope no one minds if I just post it here instead)

Well, up until somewhat recently it was just kind of the same old, same old. Mere survival, plus the usual attempts at coping with the doldrums of my empty everyday existence. But then, just a couple days ago, my dad died. He had been grappling with ALS for the last couple years and, sadly, it finally got the better of him. He certainly wasn't the perfect father, far from it, but I'll still miss him and I sincerely hope he's in a better place. I'm very grateful that me and my family managed to visit him just before the end. That helped a lot, at least for me, in terms of comfort/closure.

If anything, I'm really worried for my mother since, even though my father was quite abusive to her over the years, she still loved him with all her heart. His passing hit her very hard, to put it lightly, and it's only just tonight that she's finally getting some sleep, after being too stricken with grief/panic to do so sooner. My mother is a very awkward person and has had a lot trouble forming/maintaining connections with others over the years. As it stands, she's extremely terrified of being alone and of no one caring about what happens to us. My mom's been through an enormous amount of hardship throughout the years and this happening, on top of everything else, just adds even more hardship to what she's already experienced. With my father now gone, she's all I have in the entire world, next to my older brother. I can manage the passing of my father to an extent, but the mere thought of having to someday lose my mother has my heart beating a million miles a second.

I really hope things get better for us somehow, but both me and my mother are very tired and very afraid for the future. The fact is that, when it comes down to it, no one really cares about what happens to us. My mom's getting some temporary well wishing and condolences now, but in a little while nobody will care and everyone will move on with their lives, yet she and I will still be struggling immensely with the predicament of our lack of resources and no long term outside support. I really wish life weren't so harsh and the passage of time wasn't so relentless.

It's truly mind boggling to think that my dad is literally gone forever. I could wait a million years, or travel to the ends of the universe, and he'd still be dead. As much as death/suicide has been a balm to my senses over these many years, the death of my father really illustrates to me just how short/fragile life really is and that, as impossible as it feels to do, I should try and cherish it more. Ultimately, I just want my mother to feel safe/happy, but I don't know what I can do to help her. Even though I'm a grown man on the cusp of turning 30, I still just feel like such a useless, overgrown kid.

Anyway, thanks for checking in and asking how I'm doing. I really appreciate it. Sorry by the way that I'm not more active. I just tend to feel like an outsider after a while no matter where it is I go, and plus I also tend to fall into long spells of general inaction where I just sleep/nap all the time, or sit around feeling too sad/depressed to do anything.

For what it's worth, I couldn't help, but think of the following song after my father died. It was the same song I thought of just after our last cat died back in 2016 of old age and, I'll imagine, it'll be the song I think of in the future whenever the next time it is when I lose someone. Also, just below is a brief excerpt from something I wrote a while ago, just in terms of how I felt about everything back then, after our cat died.

As a final aside, there was a song I listened to, one which I haven’t listened to since not long before Simba died. I’ll embed it below, as I usually do, but I guess I just wanted to mention how, in a weird way, given the lyrics, it’s almost like Simba himself were singing that song, right in his final moments. At the time it wasn’t dark yet, but sure enough like the setting of the sun, it finally fell. Speaking of today, it seems my father might be the one awaiting the cusp of that neverending darkness. A darkness that would then fall on us who remain, potentially swallowing up both me and my mother in the wake of it. It ain’t here yet of course, but it’s getting there.

Well, it got here. Just as it has in the past with other stuff, and always will in the future with what few things which remain to be lost/ripped away.

 
Meditation guide

Meditation guide

Desire=half of life. Indifference=half of death.
Joined
Jun 22, 2020
Messages
4,865
who can i worry about besides me? I've always had someone else to focus on and worry about and now I have no one but myself and I'm terrified.
 
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hʚll

hʚll

not real
Joined
Jun 18, 2021
Messages
284
loneliness hurts. but i'm better off alone
in the end we 're all alone
 
Seaghost

Seaghost

Student
Joined
Apr 14, 2019
Messages
120
Pressure and loneliness.
If only god or another eternal thing would give me salvation.
 

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