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stellabelle

stellabelle

ethereal
Dec 14, 2018
3,845
Like every day is the same. Groundhog Day over and over again. Wake up. Shower. Work. Eat. Netflix. Sleep. Tired. Joyless. Empty.
Seems like it. Well. Yes and no. Each day is just another redundant day of hell and high noon and being ignored until snap snap snappity snap snappity snap! And it’s very fucking sad people do that just for “humor”.

Or my own snappity snappity snappity snap snap snapping. Finally just snapped because of stupid fucking petty shit that people do to hurt others.
 
foxdieΩ

foxdieΩ

Experienced
Sep 16, 2021
271
I am empty, defective. I feel like everything I do is an act, like I'm just performing for the unlucky souls who have to interact with me in real life.

I can barely be in the moment. It's exhausting and draining and all I can think of is when I'll be alone again. Alone again to wallow in my depression.

I just want to be gone, back to the void. I am defective.
 
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Circles

Circles

There's a difference between existing and living.
Sep 3, 2018
1,702
I’m going through a self bi-phobic phase and it’s killing me. I wish I could accept myself, but fucking how? I don’t even know I want to try with men, I just wish I could get this off my chest somehow. I’m honestly thinking of coming out to someone either my sister or my mom, but both scenarios are 50/50. I feel like if I’m going to try to recover somehow and in some way then I need some things off my fucking chest and this is one of them, but fuck.

Plus on the likely chance my mom doesn’t like what I tell her and she doesn’t like me anymore what then? Will I have to kill myself cause I have no one that loves me anymore? And what makes me doubt that I should even come out is that I probably won’t even bother dating men to begin with cause of how scared I am of the situation. So should I even bother? I’m such a fucking toxic waste. Fuck these emotions, fuck being human and fuck everything.
 
GentlyFading

GentlyFading

seasoned lurker (*ノωノ)ᵉᵉᵏ
Dec 28, 2021
36
Fuck my head hurts but also it's almost 3 and I haven't eaten or drank anything what did I expect.
 
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V

verywellthen

Member
Dec 16, 2021
22
I just keep making mistake after mistake, then overthinking them until i make a yet another mistake and feel awful for it. People give me chances over and over again and all i feel is having visions of the life i could have gad dangled in front of me, while i have to now make do with what is left of that due to my own stupidity, over-emotional reactions and wrong decisions. I could have had it all, love and a great world, and work and art and a home, but i destroyed those potential futures, i did it all... sometimes i feel i don't want to die, but i cannot live knowing those futures i destroyed, all just last year, all because of putting myself into things too much, not believing, and being careless.. and now i just spin in circles of self-pity and regret and hatred, fulfilling self-fulfilling prophecies i made, while prophesizing new ones day after day.

Yeah, it could be worse, but it could also be much better.
 
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AverageFanEnjoyer

AverageFanEnjoyer

The Hated One
Sep 26, 2021
1,890
Shit happens I guess. And most of the time... there's nothing else that can be done about it other than just accept it. Sigh.
 
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Hirokami

Hirokami

What if it were all just a dream?
Feb 21, 2021
259
With all this daily stres I've been going through, I don't need to worry about ctb. I'm gonna die from a stroke at this rate ... Though, not before my all my hairs turn gray and I look like I'm 26 going on 60.
 
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maakies

maakies

DOOK
Dec 7, 2021
115
I wish suicide cults still existed. I would join the Jonestown one so quick.
 
paulstrong

paulstrong

Paragon
May 5, 2020
999
I wish suicide cults still existed. I would join the Jonestown one so quick.
I actually think it was sad that happened in Jones Town. They gave all their lifesavings to a mad, drug induced narcissist who brainwashed them and abused them on daily basis. The town they actually built was incredible though and it had potential to be a beautiful little utopia but Jones destroyed that with his delusional cult leader mind. I don't think hardly any of them actually wanted to die. They just wanted a better life for them and their kids and Jones didn't even spare them a future. I don't think Jones Town and that type of cult is one to idolise.
 
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maakies

maakies

DOOK
Dec 7, 2021
115
I actually think it was sad that happened in Jones Town. They gave all their lifesavings to a mad, drug induced narcissist who brainwashed them and abused them on daily basis. The town they actually built was incredible though and it had potential to be a beautiful little utopia but Jones destroyed that with his delusional cult leader mind. I don't think hardly any of them actually wanted to die. They just wanted a better life for them and their kids and Jones didn't even spare them a future. I don't think Jones Town and that type of cult is one to idolise.
Definitely not. Suppose I wouldn’t really be convinced in those circumstances. But I imagine it is easier to do it as a group in that manner than it is alone.
 
mixolydian

mixolydian

broken body, broken mind
Aug 2, 2020
387
As soon as I have a semblance of hope, I see the progress of people around me and I just feel it all crashing back down to depression again. Even though survival is the name of the game now, the only thing I ever truly wanted from my life was home and family. Never had that. Just abuse and toxic shame and sometimes physical abuse. But I'm starting to see - if you don't have family in your bio family, your chances of being part of another group of people who sincerely, actively exchange care for each other (i.e. "family") without massive strings attached is just zero.
 
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AverageFanEnjoyer

AverageFanEnjoyer

The Hated One
Sep 26, 2021
1,890
I feel very anxious about tomorrow because I'm going to go through the last part of the process of dropping out university. However, it's possible that I still need something to be done and I might go there for nothing. They made this shit to be fancy and complex so you wouldn't be able to quit. Fuck them.

Also I need to do a covid test again. Fuck I'm so fucking afraid the pain was too much last time when I did it. It was among the most painful things I endured in my life. I'm so scared of it now. Gonna be a fun day.
 
AverageFanEnjoyer

AverageFanEnjoyer

The Hated One
Sep 26, 2021
1,890
I feel very anxious about tomorrow because I'm going to go through the last part of the process of dropping out university. However, it's possible that I still need something to be done and I might go there for nothing. They made this shit to be fancy and complex so you wouldn't be able to quit. Fuck them.

Also I need to do a covid test again. Fuck I'm so fucking afraid the pain was too much last time when I did it. It was among the most painful things I endured in my life. I'm so scared of it now. Gonna be a fun day.
Update: the test didn't hurt as much as last time. Phew.
Things went okay today, well, I'm surprised.

However, I feel despair getting slowly to me :).
 
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ImsooDone1N

ImsooDone1N

Specialist
Nov 22, 2018
372
Extreme loneliness, overwhelmed & just lost. Getting more & more lost, the world seemingly oblivious to my fear & suffering. I’ve asked for help. I just feel like a shell of who I once was. Now I’m just like a ghost; not dead, but not living either. I hate this feeling. I can’t enjoy anything. I dont know how to get outta this rut, for lack of a better word, I fall deeper in each day. I’m completely gone.