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Voûte_Étoilée

Voûte_Étoilée

1+1=3
Apr 28, 2021
1,263
Human communication is so absurdly defective; so many conversations are nothing but concurrent, disjoint monologues.
There is no point in leaving a note. It is impossible to express what I want to express with adequate accuracy, and even then people only understand what they want to understand.
I wish I had a good method right now.
My incompetence is frustrating.
 
Sherri

Sherri

Archangel
Sep 28, 2020
8,335
Today was so nervous, I called my doctor but he wasn’t Available. Surprise surprised. Yelled at a few people while driving and gave them the middle finger, should have drunk decaf today. Xanax isn’t working anymore, my doc has to give me something stronger,
 
Yungire

Yungire

A lonely satori
Dec 3, 2020
374
I don't receive news of my procedures, there is still a short time before I have to renew my immigration documents, I only hear screams from the first floor, I just want night to come to have some silence.
 
KTbear

KTbear

This Be The Verse
Dec 15, 2021
82
Angry and lonely and I miss my mom. My fingers and toes are cold. My job makes me irritable and bitter. I feel trapped in my house. I don't want to do anything but I need to so many more things than I actually can.
 
L

leavinghope

Member
Jul 18, 2018
31
I feel tired. Very tired. And alone. I am very bored. Everything feels meaningless. I hear the voices coming from the outside. Random noises. It's kinda comforting in a way. It makes me look back at my life. I regret destroying it. I was cursed since birth but I believe I could've overcome it. I just made so many dumb decisions. Kept picking hopeless battles to fight. And lost them all. I have nothing left to live for now. It's too late. I am a complete failure. I just want to erase my identity and forget about this life altogether.
 
freedompass

freedompass

Member
Jan 27, 2021
15
Gonna be 60 in March and am wondering about my timeline to ctb. Like should I aim for 65, 70 or just play it by ear. Honestly fuck getting proper old. My mum is nearly 90 and in relatively good shape but man she goes on and on about it like it’s somehow wrong, she’s been depressed and talks of death a fair bit which was never her. My son is making her life a misery and I’m caught in the middle (tho he hates me too). Last night he talked to me for the first time in ages only to tell me he doesn’t want contact or a relationship. It was triggering as all hell coz I was already feeling fragile. I’m kinda rambling here all I really wanna say is. I’m mentally ill, ageing, alone, tired and bored of this existence. And have a toxic family situation, a dysfunctional son and a depressed ageing mother so yeah. The pity party is complete.
 
xoxo13

xoxo13

Member
Jan 9, 2022
9
numb, dissociated, depressed ,,, somewhat satisfied that i left some voicenotes n am reconnecting with folks, but also like if i decide to ctb that’s gonna make it that much harder lol
 
T

treetop.grazer

Member
Jan 11, 2022
9
I feel so damned trapped, with kids at uni I have to pay for the only way for me is a fatal accident so my family can claim my life insurance. I only get a few hours of sleep each night so every morning I wake up dreading the day ahead. I've had enough, I really have.
 
Konjac

Konjac

Experienced
Oct 25, 2020
271
I just want to leave and embrace the void but I have no actual reason, my brain is just fucked and I hate myself for it. If I don't feel okay by the morning then I'm going through with whatever bullshit plan runs through my head. I just want to leave on a high. I'm not feeling good but everyone will remember me as being happy and that's what's important. I'm not subjecting everyone to seeing me at my lowest again. I achieved nothing in life other than the few connections I've made and I don't want to be hated even after I'm gone.
 
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Dr Iron Arc

Dr Iron Arc

Into the Unknown
Feb 10, 2020
16,321
I guess I’m not done ragging on myself right now because that fucker deserves all the hate I’m giving him, and an infinite amount more. The fact this poor loser (me) is trying his hardest to ignore the insults I’m feeling about him is yet another thing that makes him so pathetic. I’d rather nobody like me than have some people like me and others dislike me. I want everyone to know just how dumb, spineless, and incapable of doing anything useful I am. Why should I even HAVE to kill myself? Why hasn’t the world woken up and seen the need to kill me already? I don’t care how morally dubious it seems. Everyone should know that killing me is the most noble and heroic thing anyone could do. It’s why I intend to do so because I know it’s the only good deed I can actually achieve in my worthless existence but why should I have all the glory? Conversely, I do not deserve such a righteous action. Literally anyone else should be the real hero because anyone deserves the redemption more than I do. Even killing myself wouldn’t be enough to make me good that’s how bad I am but of course if someone else just killed me then they’d have a chance to really turn their life around for committing such a brave and selfless act. Come on you pussies, kill me already! Why should I be made to do it? It’s clearly bringing me so much joy that I do not deserve. I deserve all the misery I wield and so so much more so please end this small but monstrous part of all the collective world’s evils and kill me someone!
 
Circles

Circles

There's a difference between existing and living.
Sep 3, 2018
1,723
I’m crashing and spiraling again. I’m so damaged and broken that I don’t see how I can fix myself. I’m honestly scared. Scared of trying. Scared of failing. Scared of hope. Scared of everything about life. When you choose to live life, life throws you into a whirlwind of uncertainty. I feel lost and stuck. Trapped and lonely. I feel like a useless nobody who’s easily forgotten. I feel as if some peoples lives are more pointless than most and I’m one of them. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know what the answers are. Everything is just too much.

I want to cry so much and crawl into a corner wishing somebody would come and pour gas on me then light it so I can just feel extreme pain that reminds me why I hate life. To remind me why I was always meant to be in my dark place and never be able to get out. I’m not meant for life. I’m nothing.
 
Sherri

Sherri

Archangel
Sep 28, 2020
8,335
Again I’m relapsing on opioids, I feel so angry at myself. I dunno how to quit. I just don’t. And I can’t tell my doctor. I’m gonna end up having wd symptoms before my next script somes, cause I’m using all my reserves…..I was meant to have 14 pills reserve, I have 4. Frustrated is an understatement. :(
 
Sherri

Sherri

Archangel
Sep 28, 2020
8,335
wish i didnt do it..... i dont deserve last wishes... i dont deserve anything
You deserve love, kindness someone that cares and cherish you for what you are, and everything there is, I know this world sucks. But we all deserve those. Another hug. Please you are someone special. I might be an avatar but there’s a real person typing here and to me you matter and to many others here.
 
- crybaby -

- crybaby -

its all wasted .
Mar 17, 2021
48
Numb .
Which is weird considering my mind is always filled with weird self-deprecating train of thoughts.
I just feel numb, I know chances are tommorow it'll be a shitshow and I have so much "explaining " to do but right now ..I don't care .
 
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Nanako

Nanako

Member
Dec 24, 2018
63
I'm feeling light-headed, and a little scared. I feel like I'm about to break down at any second. I don't know why.
 
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Reactions: ImsooDone1N
Nessie

Nessie

Cynical
Aug 23, 2020
1,262
I can't make you happy. I can't make all your pain go away or be perfect for you so that you don't ever get upset about anything I do, you've got to recognize I am not responsible for all your feelings. I cannot even commit to anything because I am broken and will probably be gone soon. But if you could look past this, I wish I could embrace you and hold you, and lace fingers with you and stroke your cheek and give you butterfly kisses on the forehead and run my fingers through your hair. I would listen to you and do my best to support you and cheer you up, and go with you wherever you want holding your hand throughout. I'm open to much more, I'm just, you know, not that good at it. I wish it could work this way.
 
ImsooDone1N

ImsooDone1N

Specialist
Nov 22, 2018
373
Overwhelming loneliness & depression thats so painful. A horrible lost feeling, like I’m in limbo because I cannot see any visible options. Feeling very dissociated and confused. Lots of fear an anxiety (I’m getting a temporary break rn from “Rx meds <drugs>” [opiate, benzo, thc & a typical snri antidepressant]).
I take an opioid (MS-Contin for maintenance/psych purposes; I am slowly tapering, and supposed to take 15mg Contin 3X day. This morning I took my 15mg contin + an extra 2/3 of a 30mg morphine Immediate release for no good reason :/) I feel high, but stupid for doing so now.