It's getting increasingly difficult not to hurt myself right now. I just want to grab that box cutter again and jab the fucker in there this time instead of just cutting. That's what I deserve, after all. But no, I'll end up getting 5150'd because fuck my agency, right?
I hate the intrusive thoughts I get. They aren't your normal "kill yourself" thoughts, they are much worse and it doesn't make sense they always pop into my head when I know it's something that gives me the ick.
It's my fault. It's my fault. It's my fault. It's my fault. It's my fault. It's my fault. It's my fault. It's my fault.It's my fault. It's my fault. It's my fault. It's my fault. It's my fault. It's my fault. It's my fault.
Gut feelings have to be listened to ... written words can be lies and can be easily erased and forgotten.
All this time wasted in smoke and in nothing.
I was just a fool that belived in all those words...
I regret everything.
More and more it feels like my other self is trying to sabotage my imminent suicide later this year. I keep getting intrusive thoughts to recover and to just be normal but these thoughts are trying to lure me down an even darker path where I survive which would be bad overall because of the damage I know I’m capable of. I wish this voice would just stop and realize that the only way I’ll ever be comfortable with living is if nothing bad ever and I mean EVER happens to me again.
That means no traffic, no allergies, no getting annoyed at someone being stupid on the internet, no disasters, no tragedies, no disappointing tv show episodes, no late food deliveries, no instances of my autistic sister misbehaving, etc, absolutely nothing wrong can occur. Even at that point I might not be fully convinced to not die because there’s no guarantee I wouldn’t be making other peoples’ lives miserable especially if I’m getting everything I want.
I’m just sad and tired and everything is just so confusing. I took my pills and went to therapy and i’m still not improving I don’t understand what i’m doing wrong. I know i’ll be happy soon and i’m peace it’s just that it feels so unfair watching everyone be happy and I just can’t do it anymore and everything is crashing down around. I’m so ready to go and make peace but i’m scarecrows of nothingness it’s really hard but I know I eventually have to do it.
I wish I could take it all back, I really do. I push people away before they can try and hurt me, and now I’ve done it to someone who was incredibly important to me. I’ve never hated myself so much as I do now.
Down. Powerless. It's horrible to wake up every day with a feeling of emptiness and unease, go to street and see people having fun amd you feeling bad and dying inside. In this loneliness, sometimes I talk too much to random people and tell too many things that I shouldn't tell, because I basically have no social life and tell secrets and things that should be kept to yourself. I guess I'm just too fucked up to keep things in control.
Six months ago I was motivated and now feel in the hole again, but I wonder if I was really motivated or the pain just grows up like a snowball with only slight not-so-bad moments. All this is like a madness.
I am in the 13th year of some kind of depression. The truth is that brain tries to trick us into thinking that years ago we were better off but it's not right.
Same misery but in different forms, but the same loneliness and I'm so tired of being alone, long-term loneliness is really harmful, it's a physical thing, a tremendous emptiness, problems here and there, useless and absurd struggle, depression, the only friend I had to go out with has disappeared (he is sick too) and I am alone (again) more and more distressing anxiety, I see that there are only crumbs for me in this dark hole and that it seems that anything I want, to make a trip, to get a partner, is simply unreachable for me.
At this point I don't even have slight moments of being well, always sad. The decision is made. I don't want to go on like this. I hope I can achieve peace by leaving this shitstorm next year.
I'm so tired of everything. I can barely remember who I am anymore. Everything just seems fuzzy and distant. I don't like my family, friends, anybody even though I know I should. I feel like a monster. My empathy is missing and I can't find it in me to care like I used to. I used to want to be loved and cared about, now I don't want that at all. It makes me feel sick, just the idea of someone caring or giving me attention. I want to die already, I can't stop thinking about it. I promised to wait a bit until I got my degree and bills paid off but with every day, I find myself caring less and less about the obligations that have been keeping me around. I feel like a stranger living in an empty vessel. There's nothing worth living for. I don't know how much longer I can keep this mask up. I want to leave so fucking badly. It's suffocating waking up every morning, back to the same shit I was hoping would end the day before, the week before, several years before. I can't help but wonder if this is what life is, or am I in hell? What did I do so wrong to end up like this? Why is it so fucking painful to just exist? I never hurt anybody, I tried to get better, I tried to find meaning to my life, so why am I the only one always being left behind? Why does it feel like everyone around me isn't even real anymore? Why can I barely remember anything, nor feel either? I tried to be a good person, nobody acknowledged or appreciated anything I did for them. Even with my family, nothing is ever good enough. No matter what I do, or how hard I work, I'll never be good enough for anyone. My existence is worthless in every possible way, I have no hope for a better future anymore. I give up on trying to get better. It's not going to happen. I'm in a dark hole with no way out but death. That's how it feels. Being shackled in an endless sinking pit. The world around me looks distorted and I can't remember the last time I felt like a real person. I'm just really, truly, and helplessly tired in every possible way. :)
This has just been the hardest week ever, especially on top of all of the other things I’m going through.
Someone who I genuinely loved and cared about left my life exactly a week ago and it’s been really hard to cope with it, especially considering it’s likely my fault it ended this way. I had never connected with another person like that; someone who genuinely cared about my well-being, what I had to say. We could joke and talk about literally anything without judgment. Speaking to him or seeing his face was literally the highlight of my week and now it’s all gone.
I keep hoping I’ll wake up and see that he’s changed his mind, that I’ll see a message from him….every time I sleep, I just have nightmares about this entire situation. Seeing him just constantly, it’s the worse.
I was so hopeful about my future, it was hard not to with someone like that in my life. I don’t even know how I’m supposed to move on past this. It hurts too much and I feel so much regret.