foxdieΩ

foxdieΩ

Arcanist
Sep 16, 2021
460
I am suffocating. I don't want to go on and yet I do. Pretending to live is exhausting and my mask is slipping. I live like a ghost, dead on the inside and now I'm losing the ability to hide it on the outside. I've internalized so much I feel like I will snap at some point. I can only hide for so long.

There is no relief on the horizon, not for me. My meandering existence is draining all of my remaining will. This limbo is a nightmare of my own making. I need to escape it either way, this is not tenable long term. I might lose my sanity if I don't. I'm so tired...
 
Lullaby

Lullaby

🌙
Mar 9, 2022
448
I reached out to people, I make an effort and I get rejected or ignored. That's the pattern every time. I give up.

I wanted to do something really special to me for my birthday on Monday but no one wanted to go and now the tickets are sold out, so I can't even go by myself. People are asking what I want to do for that day, like I haven't said this for weeks.

Now, I just want to be totally alone for that day. I don't want to be home and around my family, I don't want to be out and about looking at strangers...I just want to be completely alone.
 
IBGONE

IBGONE

Member
Apr 27, 2022
6
It's not only the way I feel now.Its the way I've been feeling for months.
I feel hopeless, scared, lethargic, hoping to die yet not wanting to die.When is it going to stop.I say this in all sincerity.I am in lonely in life as it gets.I have never married,have no children, have no friends, no relationship.I forgot what its like to smile or laugh.Just when I think there's something to smile about or laugh at the ugliness of life slaps me in the face and tells me how Dare I laugh and smile.
I just need/want it please stop.
 
littlelungs

littlelungs

Mage
Oct 21, 2018
558
I've been having a particularly shitty time with my PTSD for the past day or so and it's making me want to drink myself into oblivion and off myself in the most gruesome way possible to reflect how badly I've been suffering, and how angry, devastated, defeated and utterly powerless I feel.

There is no getting back everything that was taken from me. There is no closure. Only death.
 
KQuotientW

KQuotientW

Blargh... I'm done. Just can't anymore.
Jul 17, 2022
123
I'm currently feeling pissed off because it's supposed to be raining for the next few days, possibly most of next week, and I wanted to test the charcoal CO method. I've gotten some supplies. I want to be gone before August. Can't do Exit Bag. FTS. FML. Might have to do test in a shed with CO monitor. I've been chucking things on a pile, waiting for a bonfire. Running out of time to take things to thrift stores. It can all just become ashes now. Winter here so I'm allowed to burn stuff. Even at the 11th hour, it won't stop raining long enough for me to test it. Super pissed right now.
 
H

Hangnail

Member
Jul 14, 2022
18
I hate everyone in my life.

I've been disfigured, and everyone is moving on with their life, smiling, advancing, and accomplishing. I basically don't exist to anyone anymore. Not even to myself. I feel like I'm just the walking dead. Waiting for it all to end.

But at the same time, as little as people care, they all make me feel guilty for feeling this way. Because me feeling bad makes them feel bad and uncomfortable, and God forbid *they* feel uncomfortable. My life is just a burden on those around me, but I'm not even allowed to die because *other people will feel guilty.* It's fucked up.

Hope that I can be fixed is the only thing keeping me alive. But at the same time, I know that even if I am, the way I feel towards my family because of what happened will never change. It's a permanent mark. I will never be able to trust them the same way again. And they'll be clueless as to why, and blame me again for being negative. They'll exclude me as they always do and have done, and they'll be happy and continue life with each other. As long as I'm alive and they don't have to feel guilty or responsible, they're fine.

I wish I spoke to my boyfriend about the surgery, because he probably would've been the only one who cared enough to talk with me about it rationally. Not my mom who told me the surgery would make me look better, apparently she didn't even believe it and said that only because she thought there was no point in saying otherwise! She *assumed* I would do whatever I wanted anyway, even though I went to her *for guidance.* And she's always went on about how she's always looking out for me and honest with me, and how I need to listen to her. Apparently this life-changing moment and discussion doesn't count though. What's crazy is that the conversation was so unimportant to her that she doesn't even remember it! Yeah, real caring mother right there. And she has the audacity to tell me the other day that *she's protecting me.* WTF. I'm here BECAUSE OF HER. She somehow has completely blocked that out. I'm guilty too and hate myself adequately, but why is she acting like she's looked out for me all this time?

I'm just waiting for my boyfriend to break up with me because I'm a mess and a burden on everyone. He already can't stand me and wants to end conversations early because of my doomed mindset. I know he doesn't love me enough to put up with my depression much longer. His life has been gradually improving. He doesn't want me dragging him down. I don't want to drag him down either. I'm not longer at the place where I can match or exceed his growth. I'm just a fucking burden. I live only to suffer and take the lives of other life forms, and for what? I don't even benefit. I don't even want to be here. All I do is selfishly take lives and resources, but I can't even make anything of their sacrifice, not even selfish pleasure. I fucking hate my existence.

I can only really think about my friends who might feel bad. The one friend I've always had a tumultuous relationship with online - which is wild because he used to be so rude to me. But I've watched him grow and mature so much in the past 4 years. In some sense, I almost feel responsible for him. He's almost pure and innocent, and I'd feel guilty about making him feel sad or offsetting his progress. He said he really cares about me and would be really devastated at my death, because I've been as constant as the north star in his life. I know a lot of his life has been relatively unstable and he's said I've been a positive influence on his life. I'd feel like he's the only person I'd be doing a disservice to. Sometimes I think about him and how much of a brat I am compared to him - how I need to just stop whining and shut up. He's so strong. I'm so proud of him. I feel like I should do more for him but in the end I'm too fucking selfish to even do that. I hate myself.

My family deserves to feel fucking bad. I've emailed D about N. I'm scared to go through with it honestly, but if I don't get good news about whether my situation can be fixed, I'm going through with it. Fuck how they feel. I've been deferential towards other people's feelings my entire life, and it hasn't gotten me anywhere.
 
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callme

callme

I'm a loose cannon - I bang all the time.
Aug 15, 2021
1,142
If in the end nothing matters, why does miniature ordinary problems get to us all the time
 
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AprilieJalnic

AprilieJalnic

Member
Mar 5, 2022
42
a nigga dead it's in my ffucking head. paranoic at the same time chilling.
 
O

outatime_85

Specialist
May 17, 2022
300
I have stayed in my fight for many years.

Most days I wake up and think of the poem "Do not go gentle into that good night." By Dylan Thomas, which leaves me thinking that I should not give in to death, and I should continue to fight against my death and make death work to get me, which in the end it will, but at least I would know it had a hard time.

Then other days I wake up and think of the poem "Eldorado." By Edgar Allan Poe and think of the futility of my life's pursuits, knowing that neither I nor anything I do in this world will be of any grand significance, which leaves me wondering how much more time should be given to my life and my fight to heal myself and stay part of a world that is known to discard people like broken toys.
 
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Mixolydian

Mixolydian

Warlock
Aug 2, 2020
713
Some years back when I first became chronically suicidal, I lost a good friend of mine by divulging that I did not want to live anymore. I miss her more and more as the years go on, but I know better than to reach out and be a bother or reminder of the past. I think of her everyday and often remember the night we were both drunk at a party and she grabbed my arm and held it tight for a long time. I knew it wasn’t romantic, just loving. I don’t think I’ve forgiven myself for screwing up that friendship, as she is one of very few people in this world I genuinely respect, admire, and learned from about being a better person. She is most certainly a better person than me. Hopefully I’m not thinking about this on my last day.
 
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Q

QuietEnd

Doing the work
Jul 8, 2022
77
Heart break.... complete heartbreak at such a cruel world we live in.

My rescue rabbits are my family (full of love, compassion, connection and empathy) and we've had to have one put to sleep due to liver and kidney failure. The vet suspects it was due to very poor nutrition before we had him. He was a bunny that acted like a puppy... He didn't get enough time to enjoy life. It was so sudden.
 
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Z

Zegers

Specialist
Dec 15, 2021
398
I've spent all day in bed with strange dreams. I seriously don't know what attitude to take with life anymore... it's like things get worse no matter what you do, i know ctb is a solution but i don't know when i could do it so in the meantime i'm condemned to this? Why for some people everything has to be like this, so complicated and insufferable?

I'm exhausted of this dark side of life, i don't want this, i just want a good life at least, and if this is what it is, it's all over.
 
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D

Dida

Member
Apr 15, 2019
14
I feel very hopeless. I'm stuck in a cycle, I can't find a job, I keep failing in college, I can't socialize nor connect with people, I don't even relate/care for my family anymre. Feeling really numb.
 
Lullaby

Lullaby

🌙
Mar 9, 2022
448
After yet another week of the people I care about the most disappointing me, I’m officially over it. I’m done being treated like disposable trash and I’m done with being cared about only when it’s convenient for them. I’m done being lied to, I’m done being led on, I’m done being gaslighted; I’m done.

Tomorrow’s my birthday, and I spent the majority of the disposable income I had left on a ticket to go see an event, for something I’m really passionate about, by myself.

I’m pretty much broke again and I’ll go back to slaving away to pay bills again on Tuesday, but until then I’m done caring. I’m turning my phone off tomorrow, and hopefully I’ll be able to have a fun night and enjoy myself for once.
 
Life_and_Death

Life_and_Death

Pathetic || Just keep going
Jul 1, 2020
4,945
My friend (non-bio "big bro") was like "I don't want to see a day you don't come home" (us talking after my night on the bridge. And yes, he knew I was attempting that night even before I left) my laptop is broken and I'm waiting to get it back so I haven't talked to him since but I've been waiting to respond to it; "what if I am trying to go home?"
"suicidal people are just angels that want to go home"
 
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Z

Zegers

Specialist
Dec 15, 2021
398
It's like some people have the whole deck and some people have no cards, when you compare yourself to those tall guys with a defined, lean physique and a long sausage and you're stunted, a fucked up body and a tiny stick. Add-on loneliness, anxiety and not social relations and still wondering why i feel ruined.
 
KQuotientW

KQuotientW

Blargh... I'm done. Just can't anymore.
Jul 17, 2022
123
I'm feeling pink eye. I have allergic conjunctivitis again, after cleaning out a very dusty room. Not sure why I care about taking things to the opp shop (short for opportunity shop) (thrift store) so others can get some use out of it. Even to the last, I think of other people. Once a social worker, always a social worker. Doing a trial run today with lump charcoal once my delivery arrives from the hardware store.
 
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