BitterlyAlive_

BitterlyAlive_

-
Dec 8, 2020
2,311
Been feeling despondent, bothersome, ashamed, guilty. The usual. Today I was able to really recognize my feelings and tried to just feel them, but it made me dissociate. Other than that, I’ve kinda been feeling like this all day. I’m tired, exhausted. My mouth hurts because a new filling seems to have come out recently. It makes me feel worse, more anxious. Scared.

I’m also dreading work tomorrow. The job isn’t bad, but I’ve been struggling a lot. My boss and trainer have been getting concerned, and it makes me dread work even more. Hopefully tomorrow will be another day where I can focus, I can’t stand it when people show concern. I don’t feel worthy of other people’s concern. It seems like I cause more trouble when people get concerned.

I want to cry right now, but it’ll make things worse. It almost never alleviates the pain. It makes me look childish, toxic, and manipulative; the shame and guilt get even worse. Yet I’ve been crying so much.
I haven’t seen you be anything but kind here, so I’m shocked to read this about you. What have you done that deserves such a severe judgment?
It feels deserved because I exist. I’m not trying to sound emo, or like I want sympathy or pity. Guess it’s the self-hatred.
 
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x_riverrock11

Visionary
Jan 24, 2021
2,047
Been feeling despondent, bothersome, ashamed, guilty. The usual. Today I was able to really recognize my feelings and tried to just feel them, but it made me dissociate. Other than that, I’ve kinda been feeling like this all day. I’m tired, exhausted. My mouth hurts because a new filling seems to have come out recently. It makes me feel worse, more anxious. Scared.

I’m also dreading work tomorrow. The job isn’t bad, but I’ve been struggling a lot. My boss and trainer have been getting concerned, and it makes me dread work even more. Hopefully tomorrow will be another day where I can focus, I can’t stand it when people show concern. I don’t feel worthy of other people’s concern. It seems like I cause more trouble when people get concerned.

I want to cry, but it’ll make things worse. It almost never alleviates the pain. It makes me look childish, toxic, and manipulative; the shame and guilt get even worse. Yet I’ve been crying so much.

It feels deserved because I exist. I’m not trying to sound emo, or like I want sympathy or pity. Guess it’s the self-hatred.
I’m sorry. I hope it gets better for you. I hate crying at work. I don’t like showing any vulnerability.
 
Dead Ghost

Dead Ghost

Mestre del Temps
May 6, 2022
538
Very, very, very saddest... still I don't cry for me (do I deserve it?)
//
Molt, molt i molt trist... tot i així no ploro per mi (ho mereixo?)


No em tobo pas bé, no se que em passa però tinc una continua sensació de fatalisme exacerbat per les cabòries de la meva ment. Tinc ganes de fotre'm d'òsties, de deixar-me caure al terra al bell mig del carrer i deixar que em mirin, m'escupin, m'ignorin i potser decidexin trepitjar-me mostrant el seu mes honest menyspreu cap a la meva persona.

Se que tot això no és pas real, només una projecció de la meva imatge a mode d'sparring matusser...
Fa dos mesos que crec que em moriré al desembre, s'ha m'ha posat al cap, com tantes altres vegades, que alguna cosa ben terrible em passarà.. i cada día em llevo i penso "falta menys" i em poso molt trist.. no he triat sentir-me així, es de franc, ve inclòs en la meva malaltissa vida.

Estic molt fart,... avuí torno a trobar-la a faltar molt. No m'agrada estar penjat d'una persona a la qual només he intentat que mantenir-la a distància per por a relacionar-me amb ella.
Només és una amistat i em posa molt trist no saber gaudir de l'oportunitat de compartir el meu espai amb ella. I m'ho vaig fer anar perqué s'emprenyés amb mi força.. fa 71 dies que no parlem.. estic cansat... em sap molt de greu el mal que li vaig fer.

I per què no ho tradueixo pas a l'anglés? direu... per què tenía ganes d'explaiar-me de gust i no anar corretgint paraules fins que quadressin més o menys bé en anglès. Volia escriure sense embuts.

No em trobo pas bé... PERO QUINA PUTA MERDA DE VIDA!!!
 
W

waitingforrest

Elementalist
Dec 27, 2021
837
Feeling like a piece of shit because I answered honestly to "how are you doing?" And of course like always, they got fucking mad even though they always say, you can tell me anything. More like you can tell me anything except all the sad stuff. Having a conversation becomes turns into a silently judging trial where it ends in a guilty verdict.

The past doesn't define you. But it does, it does. The past never ends, it becomes the present and the future. It follows me into every aspect of my being. The past still hurts, and the mind won't let me forget that.

It was foolish of me to expect them to understand. They don't know shit. Sometimes I understand the reasons why I didn't want to have real life relationships of any kind. It just takes one reminder.

Enough opening up to people. Never again. I've probably said that many times before...

"Stay away from negative depressed toxic people", the everyday people and the online advice all say. But at the same time, "just listen and say that they aren't alone". Which is it?

(Rhetorical questions directed at nobody on here, just mostly sterotypical ignorantly postive people) Why do you expect people to reach out with their problems if you will just call them toxic?; throw away the whole person once they show any flaws and breaks? When all calls for help are only answered with "attention seeker". Is it really attention seeking or a way to finally get attention that was never shown? Sometimes, those threats of suicide aren't threats, just a desperate scream into the void in hopes that someone will answer. But the answer was already known from the start, no one cares.

It's a civil war with myself that only ends in no winners.

Oh nooooo my emo is showing. Ahhhhh too much angst
 
Lullaby

Lullaby

🌙
Mar 9, 2022
510
Had an okay day, then of course reality set back in and more problems fell in my lap that I have to take care of. Things can never just be smooth or okay, ever…there’s always more hoops to jump through, even when you think you’ve gone through them all.

I’m just tired of fighting everyday for a break. It feels like a joke. Not even sure if I want to go anywhere tomorrow, it feels like I’ve been drained completely of everything in me since I got home.

Staying home won’t make me feel better, but being surrounded by others who are all doing well makes me feel worse. It’s easier to disconnect for a day and forget that this all even exists.
 
4390101

4390101

self proclaimed bitchboy
Aug 27, 2022
24
i just want to kill myself, if my 7 y/o self were to see me right now they would probably ask me why am I not dead yet.

i really want to die but i'm forcing myself to be materialistic just to have a reason why to stay here, i got a cat to force myself to stay here bc that's what people want and if there's something that i am besides suicidal is a people pleaser
 
Z

Zegers

Mage
Dec 15, 2021
581
other day chatted on wa with a girl met at a gathering and after a few messages she no longer replied... I don't know why i keep bothering to try to meet people who don't want to meet anyone seemingly. People tire me and bore me out.
 
Life_and_Death

Life_and_Death

typically not in the mental frame to converse..
Jul 1, 2020
5,254
i still want to kms
 
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Seaghost

Seaghost

Experienced
Apr 14, 2019
231
My body is on the move to charge the next of my autoimmune problems ans that means it'll knocks me off my feet in the next days or weeks.

But my mood isn't that bad cause of ordering two books:
Yuval Noah Harari - Homo Deus (already have the fist book and thats a really good piece of paper) and Herrmann Hesse - Every beginging starts with some kind of magic (german: Jedem Anfang wohnt ein Zauber inne).
Will get Homo Deus in the evening :D.
 
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jodes2

jodes2

SN arrived!
Aug 28, 2022
1,305
One day my dad will die. He looks after me. One day my gf will die. She looks after me. One day I will have no one looking after me. When they die how will I keep the flat when I have no idea how to do the paperwork? I don't know the first thing about owning a flat. Or looking after a car. How will I cope? I'll have to CTB
 
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Dead Ghost

Dead Ghost

Mestre del Temps
May 6, 2022
538
Sad-Owl.jpg
 
Life_and_Death

Life_and_Death

typically not in the mental frame to converse..
Jul 1, 2020
5,254
"i dont feel well"
"i wish i could hug you better"
"yeah...."
what i wanted to say: i wish i wasnt me.
honestly he was part of my problem and i feel bad about that.....
 
VirtualSnow

VirtualSnow

who knows
May 21, 2022
79
Just feeling weird, it's strange to see people getting their names crossed out and everything. Meanwhile, I'm here doubting I'll ever do it, at this point it just feels like I'm a visitor on a group of people that actually have reasons to suffer, while I'm bitching about nothing (well, in comparison at least).