Dead Ghost

Dead Ghost

Mestre del Temps
May 6, 2022
538
I'm falling down again... I'm tired, I've been too long that I seem to stick my head out and then hide it again. I open up to others and suddenly I close down, and open up again and fall back down... I'm running out of strength, hahaha.

I'm not a brave person, trying to do anything out of the ordinary takes a lot of physical and mental effort.
I get excited, because I get excited about things and I push myself and with enough determination I manage to get things done... and I stumble again and I get up again and I fall down again, hahaha.

I have always liked my solitude and doing what I want, but now I can't go on alone, my head is not well, I confuse things a lot and I have a lot of problems. I would like to have someone by my side often other than my mother, there are many things I can't talk to her about. Someone to help me move forward by guiding my steps (I can't do it anymore).
I have gone from solitude to loneliness and now I realize that I don't want to be alone, at least not in the painful situation I am in.

The problem is that I don't like to be with other people, I don't like physical contact or sharing my space with anyone, although I wish to do it with a certain person, but it is not enough to wish for things,.... you have to learn to do all this.

And I get sad again... and I get my strength back, but only to crash again unintentionally. It is as if I am blind and do not know how to see the path that is so easy for other people to follow.
I am expected to make firm, committed decisions... but I am still mentally very immature, practically a child without emotional experience in the affective sphere. And this is not what is expected of a 44-year-old.

If I have friends, I have made one on this website that I cherish and there is also another person who is the only reason there is for having slowed down my plans to reach my particular CTB by who knows when, precisely the determined person with whom I wish to share my life without knowing how that is done and knowing that, on my own, with only the little strength I have left, he is not going to make it no matter how much determination I put into it.

And I sink, and I collapse and I get sad and I get exhausted. I am tired, I do not know how many more times I can be doing these efforts that do not go anywhere, that do not give any kind of fruit, that do not compensate and that only make me suffer more and lengthen my agony.

I feel very old, I am very burned out and I can only tell it to you.

//
CATALÀ:
M'estic tornant a ensorrar altre cop... estic cansat, porto massa temps que sembla que trec el cap i torno a amagar-lo. M'obro als altres i de cop em tanco, i em torno a obrir i torno a caure... se m'estàn acabant les forces, hahaha.

No soc pas una persona valenta, intentar fer qualsevol cosa fora de l'habitual em suposa un fort desgast tant físic com mental.
M'il·lusiono, perquè m'il·lusiono amb les coses, i agafo empenta i amb prou determinació les faig anar endavant... i torno a ensopegar altre cop i em torno a aixecar i torno a caure, hahaha.

Sempre m'ha agradat la meva solitud i fer el que vulgui, però ara no se continuar sol, el meu cap no està bé, confonc molt les coses i tinc molts problemes. M'agradaría tenir algú al meu costat sovint que no fos la meva mare, hi ha moltes coses que no puc parlar amb ella. Algú que m'ajudi a seguir endavant guiant-me els passos (jo ja no puc fer-ho).
He pasat de la solitud a la soledat i ara m'adono que no vull pas estar sol, almenys no en la situació tan penosa en la que em trobo.

El problema es que no m'agrada estar amb d'altres persones, no m'agrada el contacte físic ni compartir el meu espai amb ningú, tot i que desitjo fer-ho amb una persona determinada, pero no n'hi ha prou amb desitjar les coses,... se n'ha d'aprendre a fer tot això.

I m'entristeixo altre cop.. i torno a agafar forces, però només per tornar-me a estavellar sense voler. Es com si estigués cec i no sabés veure el camí que tan fàcil de seguir troben altres persones.
De mi s'espera que prengui decisions fermes, compromeses... però encara sóc mentalment molt immadur, pràcticament un nen sense experiència emocional en l'esfera afectiva. I això no és el que s'espera d'una persona de 44 anys.

Si tinc amics, n'he fet un en aquesta web que aprecio molt i també hi ha una altre persona que és l'única raó que existeix per haver ralentitzat els meus plans per assolir el meu CTB particular per ves a saber quan, precisament la persona determinada amb la qual desitjo compartir la meva vida sense saber com es fa això i sabent que per mi mateix, només amb les poques forces que em queden, no sortirà endavant per més determinació que li posi.

I m'enfonso, i m'ensorro i m'entristeixo i m'esgoto. Estic cansat, no se quantes vegades més podré estar fent aquests esforços que no van enlloc, que no donen cap tipus de fruït, que no compensen i que només em fan patir més i allargar l'agonía.

Em sento molt vell, estic molt cremat i només us ho puc explicar a vosaltres.

//
CASTELLANO:
Me estoy volviendo a derrumbar otra vez... estoy cansado, llevo demasiado tiempo que parece que asomo la cabeza y vuelvo a esconderla. Me abro a los demás y de repente me cierro, y vuelvo a abrirme y vuelvo a caer... se me están acabando las fuerzas, jajaja.

No soy una persona valiente, intentar hacer cualquier cosa fuera de lo habitual me supone un fuerte desgaste tanto físico como mental.
Me ilusiono, porque me ilusiono con las cosas y cojo empuje y con suficiente determinación las logro sacar adelante... y vuelvo a tropezar otra vez y vuelvo a levantarme y vuelvo a caer, jajaja.

Siempre me ha gustado mi solitud y hacer lo que quiera, pero ahora no se seguir solo, mi cabeza no está bien, confundo mucho las cosas y tengo muchos problemas. Me gustaría tener a alguien a mi lado a menudo que no fuera mi madre, hay muchas cosas que no puedo hablar con ella. Alguien que me ayude a seguir adelante guiándome los pasos (yo ya no puedo hacerlo).
He pasado de la solitud a la soledad y ahora me doy cuenta de que no quiero estar solo, al menos no en la situación tan penosa en la que me encuentro.

El problema es que no me gusta estar con otras personas, no me gusta el contacto físico ni compartir mi espacio con nadie, aunque deseo hacerlo con una persona determinada, pero no es suficiente con desear las cosas,... debo aprender a hacer todo esto.

Y me entristezco otra vez.. y vuelvo a coger fuerzas, pero sólo para volverme a estrellar sin querer. Es como si estuviera ciego y no supiera ver el camino que tan fácil resulta seguir a otras personas.
De mí se espera que tome decisiones firmes, comprometidas... pero todavía soy mentalmente muy inmaduro, prácticamente un niño sin experiencia emocional en la esfera afectiva. Y esto no es lo que se espera de una persona de 44 años.

Si tengo amigos, he hecho uno en esta web que aprecio mucho y también hay otra persona que es la única razón que existe para haber ralentizado mis planes para alcanzar mi CTB particular para vete a saber cuándo, precisamente la persona determinada con la que deseo compartir mi vida sin saber cómo se hace eso y sabiendo que, por mí mismo, sólo con las pocas fuerzas que me quedan, no va a salir adelante por más determinación que le ponga.

Y me hundo, y me derrumbo y me entristezco y me agoto. Estoy cansado, no sé cuántas veces más podré estar haciendo estos esfuerzos que no van a ninguna parte, que no dan ningún tipo de fruto, que no compensan y que sólo me hacen sufrir más y alargar mi agonía.

Me siento muy viejo, estoy muy quemado y sólo puedo contároslo a vosotros.
 
Nessie

Nessie

Cynical
Aug 23, 2020
1,666
I feel odd. I just had a very positive and supportive conversation with a person, and it didn't help enough to be life-changing and give me some unbelievable insight that will make me not want to die anymore, but also I feel kind of bad thinking that someone is so kind to me and then I would still go on and CTB instead of talking to them like I promised? Confusion. My emotional state is confusion. And a mini crisis but maybe it's a good crisis, but maybe also not...
 
Z

Zegers

Mage
Dec 15, 2021
581
I have a lot of anxiety and the last few days it has only gotten worse, i have to try to entertain myself like i used to do, i think i will try to be without wifi for a few days and do something different than scrolling the phone
 
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Life_and_Death

Life_and_Death

typically not in the mental frame to converse..
Jul 1, 2020
5,254
for once i dont know. for once i dont have an answer. my "relationship" feels empty. i just have nothing to say. im concerned about moving in with my mental disorders. this move is weighing on me and my "husband" is like "stay so you dont have to worry about it" but im literally mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted from being here. my life is nothing but stress no matter which option i choose and ive been dealing with a concussion caused by my mental disorders for a few days now on top of it, which doesnt help.
i just want to sit alone in a corner and cry.....
 
Nessie

Nessie

Cynical
Aug 23, 2020
1,666
Today is yet another horrible terrible no good morning.
Spent all night waiting for mr. Putin to let us all know if we're totally fucked or not, so I can tell whether to off myself immediately or wait it out. Apparently, we're kinda sorta partially fucked. Great. I have no idea what to make out of these news. I need someone to help me estimate precisely how deep in shit everything is. I feel so much anxiety, anger and despair, I want to set everything on fire.
 
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StolenLife

StolenLife

Member
Sep 19, 2022
66
Sigh... I can't believe I have to postpone my suicide. I wanted to go before Uni started but my family keeps an eye on me because they know everything. Where the hell was their keen watchful eye ten years ago when I actually needed that?? This is a problem because I want to go before Christmas, and the incoming days will be short, cold and cloudy. I hate the darkness so I want to jump during daytime, preferably on a sunny day.
 
T

TheUncommon

Member
May 19, 2021
32
I don't know why I was hired and left to do the difficult tasks in the company. Why does my manager regularly show up late or not at all? Why are there four employees in a job where I'm lucky to have two employees working at any given time to split the tasks of customer service, sales rep, call center, technician, quality inspection, and inventory management between? How is it legal that I'm getting paid less than a grocery store worker for this? Why am I in a position where I prefer this situation to being alone at home, encapsulated by my thoughts?
 
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Yungire

Yungire

Digital Fae
Dec 3, 2020
1,316
What a headache, the electrical system fails randomly, I guess I'll have to check for a UPS, I'm already becoming more paranoid than usual about my consoles, I don't want to lose one of my few reliefs.
 
Lullaby

Lullaby

🌙
Mar 9, 2022
510
Feeling a breakdown coming on but I’m stuck in a taxi, in horrible traffic and 30 minutes from home…trying to hold it together.

It’s been such a bad day, and it’s only going to be a struggle going forward afterwards. Just can’t wait to get back into bed and forget everything exists.
 
KQuotientW

KQuotientW

404: Reason to live not found
Jul 17, 2022
226
I'm angry at myself for believing: that one day someone might care about me and love me, because even from the moment I was born I've never had that and I'm now 49 years old; that I might ever find a long term relationship with someone who genuinely loves me; that I would have a better life; that I would ever be free of someone who perpetrates predatory behaviour (now have a stalker - who is not an ex as everyone assumes); that I would have a job, a house, and not have to be stuck living in the middle of nowhere because there's no work here and I can't afford to live anywhere else.

I'm mad at myself for kidding myself for all these years that something good and vastly better was just around the corner if I remained positive, upbeat and hopeful. It was recently my 10 year anniversary of living in this hellhole, after police illegally confiscated my last home because I'd tried to report my ex, who was a cop and was mates with the cops I'd tried to report him to. They didn't work together at the same police station or a regional station, and my ex had left Victoria Police before that moment, but they lived in the same region, so knew each other that way.

If Vic Pol had any integrity, which they fucking well don't, they wouldn't have taken my home from me in the first place! I owned it outright and it was on the outskirts of the city, but close enough that I could still find work or further my studies. At every fucking turn, Victoria Police (Australia), ruined my fucking life. They don't do anything about the stalker (not an ex, just a fucking creepy weirdo who won't accept 'No') because of who my ex is. The old Blue Code where police defend police.

I gave it 10 years of trying to be positive that I will ever get out of this town, where I currently am stuck residing in, that I was forced to move to. I don't want to be stuck living in this place for another 10 years, with Mr Stalker and police being arseholes to me.

Since Victoria Police now have a dedicated team of detectives who specifically deal with police who are sex offenders or perpetrators of family violence, it shows that it's a problem within the police force. They wouldn't need it if it was just one guy. Let that sink in. They are bent as fuck and even female officers will defend shitty colleagues.

I am livid with myself for deluding myself into believing that my life would ever improve. Fuck you, Victoria Police. 🖕

I've contacted this unit, who claimed to care but turned very rude and nasty after a few months and their "nice" facade slipped. They even tried to rush me to sign a statement that is full of mistakes. 'We've gotta get back to Melbourne. Just hurry up and sign it'. Bullshit artists.
 
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Nessie

Nessie

Cynical
Aug 23, 2020
1,666
The whole world is fucked, and so many people don't deserve it, but suffer horribly because of a bunch of vile cunts that rejoice in the suffering of others. And I can't do shit, no matter how you slice it, good people always end up hurt horribly, and the ones who come out victorious are monsters. If there's a God, he sure has some explaining to do.
 
ManicPanic2018

ManicPanic2018

Bipolar Trans Woman, Help Me God
Sep 11, 2022
83
All my housemate had to leave the flat for the weekend, but no. She says she's worried ill be dead by the time I get back, cancelled her trip and now fucking got my family involved. All I wanted was to go tomorrow. And now its all fucked. I fucking refuse to be hospitalised, they're gonna have to fucking fight me first. I want to stay home and leave now.
 
On Replay

On Replay

Member
Sep 23, 2022
55
Don’t think just type. As I listen to Joji and bop my head like there’s no care in the world. Blame it on the? … no … thank ? No … alcohol, alcohol is involved lol
 
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WhatPowerIs

WhatPowerIs

Arcanist
Jun 19, 2022
403
Uni sucks so much. I have no friends here. I don't even like my field of study. Why do I even bother? I am a burden to my family, it would be better if I just died right? Why can't anybody affirm that for me?
 
On Replay

On Replay

Member
Sep 23, 2022
55
What are you studying? I’m from the US and “Uni” is not used out here. If you’re anything like me, you bother because you care. Idk if death is better (as I’ve never had the privilege of doing so obviously lol) …but to answer question with question … where are you from ?
 
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Tristan

Tristan

" Life is [email protected] and then we die."
Mar 21, 2022
214
Nervous about the future, taking more Xanax than I should to cope, trying to avoid watching the news cause it seems we are at the brink of a new WWIII. Just overthinking and sad, that I’m all alone with just my nana at this moment. Had a FB messenger buddy for many months but humans disappoint me always. The same old, oh I will always be here for you and when you need Someone you realise you are all alone.
 
WhatPowerIs

WhatPowerIs

Arcanist
Jun 19, 2022
403
What are you studying? I’m from the US and “Uni” is not used out here. If you’re anything like me, you bother because you care. Idk if death is better (as I’ve never had the privilege of doing so obviously lol) …but to answer question with question … where are you from ?
I just use the word because everyone else uses it but I am actually from the US.
Nervous about the future, taking more Xanax than I should to cope, trying to avoid watching the news cause it seems we are at the brink of a new WWIII. Just overthinking and sad, that I’m all alone with just my nana at this moment. Had a FB messenger buddy for many months but humans disappoint me always. The same old, oh I will always be here for you and when you need Someone you realise you are all alone.
I am sorry to hear about your friend. It is really unfortunate when people fail to live up to their promises.
 
not-2-b-the-answer

not-2-b-the-answer

Angelic
Mar 23, 2018
4,200
So tired... Just want to never wake up.
Don't even feel like posting in the music threads or checking out other posts.
Getting behind on that.
Depression is kicking my ass.
Feeling guilty because there are so many problems in the world and all I can do is bitch about my shitty life.
Haven't been able to keep up with this thread either.
My birth was a mistake. No fracking brain.
So fugly and alone.
Want to die so even having a girlfriend doesn't even matter.
I hate life so much. It shouldn't be this much of a struggle for years and years.