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ohhgeeitsme

ohhgeeitsme

Wizard
Joined
Feb 5, 2020
Messages
690
Just how surreal it is, especially since I act so normal. It's made me realize more than ever that you really have no idea what's going on inside someone's mind or in their lives, even seemingly happy people. Just because they're smiling and being sociable, doesn't mean anything and I know that now. I'm sure people have looked at me and thought I was happy had a lot going for me. But yeah, it's a very strange feeling and makes me kind of dissociate and can trigger derealization. I'm not currently planning on ctbing any time soon, though that can change at the drop of the hat, but when it was nearing in the past.. yeah, very strange feeling. I just always think, man.. if these people only knew the truth.
 
W

WornOutLife

マット
Joined
Mar 22, 2020
Messages
7,347
ohhgeeitsme said:
Just how surreal it is, especially since I act so normal. It's made me realize more than ever that you really have no idea what's going on inside someone's mind or in their lives, even seemingly happy people. Just because they're smiling and being sociable, doesn't mean anything and I know that now. I'm sure people have looked at me and thought I was happy had a lot going for me. But yeah, it's a very strange feeling and makes me kind of dissociate and can trigger derealization. I'm not currently planning on ctbing any time soon, though that can change at the drop of the hat, but when it was nearing in the past.. yeah, very strange feeling. I just always think, man.. if these people only knew the truth.

I so agree! I always think that I'm a good actor because people talk to me normally. It seems I can hide my depression but this makes me wonder, how healthy are their minds? They can't all be happy. Depression is more normal than we think and ctb not so much but it does happen!

Anyway, I kinda envy normal people. I wish I could be as stable as them.
 
ohhgeeitsme

ohhgeeitsme

Wizard
Joined
Feb 5, 2020
Messages
690
WornOutLife said:
I so agree! I always think that I'm a good actor because people talk to me normally. It seems I can hide my depression but this makes me wonder, how healthy are their minds? They can't all be happy. Depression is more normal than we think and ctb not so much but it does happen!

Anyway, I kinda envy normal people. I wish I could be as stable as them.
I definitely hide my depression well so I always wonder how many other people do as well. I wonder how normal even seemingly normal people really are. You just never really know anyone, even when you live with them for years. Not that everyone is hiding something, you just can't ever be sure who is and who isn't. I don't even really intentionally hide this part of me. It's instinctive. I mean, I know I learned it at some point but it's still automatic now and it doesn't feel natural at all wearing my heart on my sleeve. Anyway, I never take someone at face value anymore. I still think of myself as an honest person overall, just also someone that doesn't like to expose my vulnerabilities or weaknesses.
 
DocNo

DocNo

whatever
Joined
Oct 30, 2020
Messages
1,522
when i was suicidal three years ago i mainly went out at night when i needed some food. i just didn't want to be seen.
three months ago it was pretty much the same but sometimes i even felt i just couldn't even hold up my "i am ok face". it felt like the people see it somehow.
in this times i also avoided eye contact cause i didn't want to give anybody the chance to try to build a connection.

this times of giving up myself lasted about one year each and i also didn't meet friends in this times. only sometimes mails or phone calls.
and three months ago when i was close to the exit i also felt that i have to keep my voice lively when talking on the phone cause i felt, that even there this tiredness of life might come through.

and about other people. happy is not the word which comes to my mind when i see people at the supermarket and think about how the feel. it feels more they do what is needed to somehow survive and go on. sometimes it feels most have given up a accept that they are part of this merciless machine that society seems to become more and more. but maybe my view is too biased and so i also project some things on peoples faces.
 
S

sauvenchy

Member
Joined
Jan 19, 2021
Messages
25
I am filled with compassion towards them. Because life is hard I feel everyone has their own struggles. But a lot of the times I am irritated by how everyone thinks they are unique, where in reality a lot of people fit into a group and behave, dress, talk and think the same. So kind of conflicting.
 
Nessie

Nessie

Cynical
Joined
Aug 23, 2020
Messages
1,205
It's surreal, because when I am in public and I'm feeling really low, I often look around and wonder how many of the people around me genuinely feel as okay as they appear to be and how many of them are really hurting on the inside like I do, and that maybe in the crowd there is someone else who is ready to die, but looking from the outside I would never be able to tell. I mean, if I see them in the supermarket - then I am in the supermarket too, standing in line with some cheap ramen noodles and a bag of cat food, appearing completely normal and thinking about suicide at the same time. What all those other people in line are thinking about?
 
muffin222

muffin222

Enlightened
Joined
Mar 31, 2020
Messages
1,222
I'm happy for them. I wish that no one ever had to grapple with such deep despair that they felt compelled to just end it all. It's a horrible spot to be in, without a doubt.

The only times in my life I've felt true happiness and contentment for a sustained period of time were when I was stoned damn near 24/7 and when I was floating on a natural high while traveling.

It fascinates me that most people go through life relatively happy and almost completely unburdened by suicidal thoughts. Props to them, really
 
paulstrong

paulstrong

Mage
Joined
May 5, 2020
Messages
503
I am happy for them but sad for me. I think why am I even in this world if I don't have a happy life. I aint even asking for much. I just want peace and wellness like everybody else.
 
samsaragothands

samsaragothands

Member
Joined
Jul 18, 2021
Messages
14
i honestly try to keep my approach to other people as simple as possible, and it's been easier now since i've accepted ctb as an inevitability. everyone has a purpose, maybe theirs is to live and be and experience, and mine isn't. i've been distanced from the living and being and experiencing for so long that it no longer feels like something i should covet if i've already come to terms with my own reality.
 
I

IsThisTheEnd?

Arcanist
Joined
Aug 6, 2020
Messages
420
FuneralCry said:
I just feel disconnected to them really. Many people are so distracted by life they likely do not think about death that often and how pointless life is. All we are doing is waiting around to die anyway.
I think this is half my problem, I feel let down by people and there lack of support but they probably think my problems are trivial but to me there huge and there daily life is borring and trivial to me.
 
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L

LittleJem

Enlightened
Joined
Jul 3, 2019
Messages
1,295
I find it weird to see normal people being happy. I don't begrudge them, it's more just I find it weird. I try to avoid being out at weekends in particular, so I don't feel my difference as much.

I feel like JP in the Joker movie.
 
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I

IsThisTheEnd?

Arcanist
Joined
Aug 6, 2020
Messages
420
it is weird it's totally alien, I have had happy times so I know what it's about but it's not something I can relate too anymore, in-fact since I became depressed I no longer can connect in anyway with such people, to the point I feel very different, I can't explain.
 
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Grumpy Bear

Grumpy Bear

People are poison
Joined
Jul 21, 2021
Messages
47
I feel like they are suffering to a degree in some way. I wish them the best. I wish for them to never make bad decisions as severe as mine.
 
DoNotBoopTheSnoot

DoNotBoopTheSnoot

⚠️ WARNING
Joined
Dec 25, 2020
Messages
607
"Kinds sus, there must be an imposter among us.

Oh, wait—

Maybe I am the imposter..."

hotelbeneathground said:
They all look like cattle to me, mooing & shitting out their retarded mouths
 
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