athousandsorrows

athousandsorrows

Member
Jul 5, 2018
70
So, most of us here have decided to end our lives, or are seriously thinking about it, but we're still here posting, messaging. What is it that keeps you going? For me, stupid and irrational as it may sound, it's my pets. I have a cat and a dog. The cat I haven't really seen for the last 6 months since I was forced to move with my parents and the apartment where I was staying went to my brother, who is now taking care of the cat, although I buy the food, sand for his litter box, and anything else he might need. The dog is staying with me, thankfully, and she's the love of my life.

When I'm seriously thinking tonight's the night, or next week, or whatever but I'm sure I want it to be over ASAP, my animals come to mind. I think about my dog being the one that finds me and like in so many dog movies and stories, she's so distraught she decided not to eat or stays sad and depressed forever because of my death, unhappy. And stupid as it may sound I can't bear to hurt her like that.

My cat is old and he's been with me for 13 years now. He's a black, stray cat and I think (and maybe I'm wrong) that nobody will want him because of this, and it breaks my heart to think of him living his last years out on the street, alone and wondering why I abandoned him.

My dog is NOTHING like me. She's always, and I do mean ALWAYS in a good mood. I honestly have no idea why. I thought dogs are supposed to follow after their owners, and I've had her ever since she was the smallest puppy, no more than a week old. She sees me crying every morning and comes running to lick my tears, or just spoons me (yes, she spoons me) in what I feel to be a true act of love on her part. Despite me being in a black mood all the time, she's never phased by it. I wish I were more like her, truly.

Ironically, I gave myself the one obstacle for killing myself. If I'd never adopted the cat and the puppy, I'd be completely free to leave. What keeps you guys going so far?
 
athousandsorrows

athousandsorrows

Member
Jul 5, 2018
70
PC games, movies, TV shows, sleep and knowing that eventually I will find a good way to kill myself and end my fucking life.
Games, movies, and TV shows are just an escape for me. A way not to have to think about anything. I often binge watch a show for the whole day, or do movie marathons, or find a game I'm really into, just to distract myself from my tedious, horrible reality. They're not quite a reason for me not do it, but rather a tool that helps me distract myself from my suffering while I'm here. I feel ya!
 
athousandsorrows

athousandsorrows

Member
Jul 5, 2018
70
I can relate i have a dog also.For me i always think of this story below and imagine my dog by my graveside.

https://www.ntd.tv/2018/02/22/argen...at-his-owners-grave-for-11-years-passes-away/

Oh my God, yes, that is exactly what I think about, too. I can't bear to watch those types of videos anymore. I've always cared way more about animals than about humans, or even myself. It's just completely heartbreaking. About 3 years ago my first cat passed away, and it was like losing a son. I had an out of body experience the night he died, which I'd never had before, maybe because of my intense grief I was somehow able to access some part of the brain I normally have no access to, but the thing is I literally rolled out of my body and could see myself sleeping and my dog next to me, and I was walking around my apartment and felt like I was floating, and my cat (the one that passed away) meowed, and I could always tell his meow apart from others, so I turned my head and he came into the kitchen, like nothing had happened, but then I suddenly woke up. I felt like it was his way of saying goodbye to me, since I wasn't able to say goodbye to him, he died in the E.R. I found him passed out in my shower and immediately took him to the animal hospital. He spent the night there and I was supposed to go visit him the next morning, but he didn't make it, so I could never say goodbye. I'm telling you this story because I often take comfort in thinking that when I finally go, he'll be there waiting for me on the other side if there is one.
 
Alysia

Alysia

Member
Jul 3, 2018
94
Games, movies, and TV shows are just an escape for me. A way not to have to think about anything. I often binge watch a show for the whole day, or do movie marathons, or find a game I'm really into, just to distract myself from my tedious, horrible reality. They're not quite a reason for me not do it, but rather a tool that helps me distract myself from my suffering while I'm here. I feel ya!
Exactly how I feel as well!
 
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N

nopoint

Member
Jul 5, 2018
68
The fear of pain is what's keeping me alive, and also I don't know where I can do it without traumatizing the people that discover my corpse or bringing shame to my family.
 
Severen

Severen

Enlightened
Jun 30, 2018
1,819
The sirvival instinct. I'm still waiting when I will be stronger than it and finally killing myself. Absolutely nothing more does me remain here.

I think having a partner or having a doctor assist you can help you with that.
 
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Jon86

Jon86

Specialist
Apr 9, 2018
371
Very understanding and supportive family that I love. Parents are ill, fragile and sensitive....

Fear of a failed attempt that leaves me in a terrible state.

It's easier to just keep on at the moment. I don't really care about going to prison, being homeless etc. so I don't really fear anything about living. It's just that I know i'll never enjoy living again because of poor health.
 
Tiburcio

Tiburcio

Voluntary deletion.
May 9, 2018
1,573
I think having a partner or having a doctor assist you can help you with that.
I'm healthy and physically painless so no doctor would help me. Having a partner would create me unnecesary pressure at the moment of going. Also I prefer dying in solitude.
 
athousandsorrows

athousandsorrows

Member
Jul 5, 2018
70
Very understanding and supportive family that I love. Parents are ill, fragile and sensitive....

Fear of a failed attempt that leaves me in a terrible state.

It's easier to just keep on at the moment. I don't really care about going to prison, being homeless etc. so I don't really fear anything about living. It's just that I know i'll never enjoy living again because of poor health.

I find it fascinating how physical and emotional pain are perceived to be so different yet are so related. If I understand you correctly, you have a loving, supportive family, but you're in bad health and in pain, and that's what drives you to want to die. In my case, I have no physical pain, but I haven't a supporting family that loves me and that's what drives me to want to die. Completely opposite scenarios it would seem, yet arriving to the same conclusion. Interesting, right?
 
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Jon86

Jon86

Specialist
Apr 9, 2018
371
I find it fascinating how physical and emotional pain are perceived to be so different yet are so related. If I understand you correctly, you have a loving, supportive family, but you're in bad health and in pain, and that's what drives you to want to die. In my case, I have no physical pain, but I haven't a supporting family that loves me and that's what drives me to want to die. Completely opposite scenarios it would seem, yet arriving to the same conclusion. Interesting, right?

Yep, you got it right. I have numerous physical health ailments that I have no control over that have left me depressed for nearly 20 years. My childhood was amazing, family, friends, school etc. everything was great. Life is random.

How old are you? I envy your position as I feel a good friend/partner could really do wonders for someone in your position. I suppose the grass is always a bit greener on the other side.
 
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skyofAuroras

skyofAuroras

-
Apr 10, 2018
136
What keeps me Here is my friends and family. Mostly two siblings of mine. I know if I were to ctb there would be an extremely high chance of my twin following me. Both him and my little sister have depression and I don't have in me to leave them. I know I wouldn't matter to me if I'm dead, but I still don't want to hurt them. The whole reason I'm trying to get better is so I can help them. I know I can't keep living for others, but if it keeps me alive for another year then that's fine.
 
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athousandsorrows

athousandsorrows

Member
Jul 5, 2018
70
Yep, you got it right. I have numerous physical health ailments that I have no control over that have left me depressed for nearly 20 years. My childhood was amazing, family, friends, school etc. everything was great. Life is random.

How old are you? I envy your position as I feel a good friend/partner could really do wonders for someone in your position. I suppose the grass is always a bit greener on the other side.

I'm 31, close to 32. I've known good people in my life. I've been in love. It just never pans out no matter what. I'm convinced I'm the problem, though. I'm just not made for life with other people. I'm very changing. One day I'll be more or less cheery, or at least a little more comfortable than usual in my own skin, and I'll be a nice person to talk to, even funny; but then it's all just horrible and nothing is good and I'm a very depressive person to talk to, so people get tired of me frequently and easily. I also tend to disappear for days on end without talking to anybody because I just don't want to deal with people, so that also drives them away most of the time. I'm just unhappy man. No one person or even group of people can help you out when you feel this way, as you well know from your own circumstances.
 
athousandsorrows

athousandsorrows

Member
Jul 5, 2018
70
What keeps me Here is my friends and family. Mostly two siblings of mine. I know if I were to ctb there would be an extremely high chance of my twin following me. Both him and my little sister have depression and I don't have in me to leave them. I know I wouldn't matter to me if I'm dead, but I still don't want to hurt them. The whole reason I'm trying to get better is so I can help them. I know I can't keep living for others, but if it keeps me alive for another year then that's fine.

I'm so sorry for my ignorance but I'm new to this forum and these types of conversations in general. Does cbt mean cut the bullshit? I know it means to kill yourself, but what do the actual letters mean? Sorry for the stupid question.

Now, to your answer, I think love is probably the most powerful feeling in the world, no matter how corny or cliche it sounds. Love for my pets is what's keeping me here, love for your siblings keeps you here. There's nothing wrong with that. If you do manage to get better, I'm sure they will absolutely appreciate it, especially if they suffer from depression. I've heard twins have the most amazing connection, so I'm sure your twin would be absolutely devastated. On the other hand, I'd like to think that if anyone I loved were suffering so much to want to end their life, depending on the specific circumstances, I would be as supportive as can be. Some people have amazing lives, yet are still horribly depressed. Some people have what would seem to most of us like a miserable life, yet they are happy. It's just a mystery, but whatever you decide to do I wish you the best of luck! And if you're working towards getting better, then I really wish you success!
 
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skyofAuroras

skyofAuroras

-
Apr 10, 2018
136
I'm so sorry for my ignorance but I'm new to this forum and these types of conversations in general. Does cbt mean cut the bullshit? I know it means to kill yourself, but what do the actual letters mean? Sorry for the stupid question.

Now, to your answer, I think love is probably the most powerful feeling in the world, no matter how corny or cliche it sounds. Love for my pets is what's keeping me here, love for your siblings keeps you here. There's nothing wrong with that. If you do manage to get better, I'm sure they will absolutely appreciate it, especially if they suffer from depression. I've heard twins have the most amazing connection, so I'm sure your twin would be absolutely devastated. On the other hand, I'd like to think that if anyone I loved were suffering so much to want to end their life, depending on the specific circumstances, I would be as supportive as can be. Some people have amazing lives, yet are still horribly depressed. Some people have what would seem to most of us like a miserable life, yet they are happy. It's just a mystery, but whatever you decide to do I wish you the best of luck! And if you're working towards getting better, then I really wish you success!
Ctb stands for "catch the bus" implying suicide, it was commonly used in the sanctioned suicide subreddit.

I actually remember one time my twin admitted to having suicidal thoughts. He told my that he always imagined doing it with me. He still has a lot of mental health issues, but as far as I know he isn't suicidal anymore. Although I don't think he would blame/ judge me if I chose to take my life. You're totally right about twins having amazing connection.

"...whatever you decide to do I wish you the best of luck!" Thanks for the support.
 
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athousandsorrows

athousandsorrows

Member
Jul 5, 2018
70
Ctb stands for "catch the bus" implying suicide, it was commonly used in the sanctioned suicide subreddit.
"...whatever you decide to do I wish you the best of luck!" Thanks for the support.


Oh! Didn't know. I actually looked for the subreddit and found out it was closed so that's how I came to be here. Thank you! And as far as the support, well I wouldn't be here if I didn't believe this couldn't be a place for support for all of us! Good vibes to you!
 
Imaginos

Imaginos

Full-time layabout
Apr 7, 2018
633
Nothing. Literally nothing. If I wasn't so afraid of death then I'd be gone (*snaps fingers*) like that. I don't really count that as a reason to live, however. I suppose it's "keeping me going" in a sense, but in the worst way possible. In the end it's just a barrier that serves no other purpose than inflicting me with pain. Like being chained to a rock while I'm slowly roasted alive by the sun.
 
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EternalSanction

EternalSanction

-
Jun 7, 2018
252
My Cat, my family and hot having reached that final level of determination. I'm pretty neutral though at the moment, not taking too much pressure on my self and just waiting for it to happen
 
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