Anarchy

Anarchy

Invisible anarchist
Jul 9, 2018
384
Personally, I know that I will die by suicide. I feel unsure about it because it is very, very hard to imagine. But I know that I will eventually, even though I am so anxious about it, because there's no way that I'm going to go to college and be ignored all over again. There's no way that I will live such an isolating existance without ending up killing myself.
I know that my life won't ever be worth living, because I have lost the only person who I have ever loved, never to be seen again, and nobody who I meet will ever be as genuine as they are.
I am incapable of making friends and am ignored by everyone as I am too ignoreable and unlikeable.
And everyone seems fake to me anyway. Even the way they look - practically everybody looks artificial to me. Of all the people I've ever encountered, only one has ever struck me as genuine, and they ignored me like everyone else did. I know I have no chance, because everyone ignores me, even if they seem like they're not a person who would; even the most respectable person would ignore me as soon as anyone else came along because that's just the nature of who I am.
Everyone who I meet ignores me, every stranger who I meet, and if stangers aren't a good enough indication that everyone ignores me, well, my family does too, plus the most honourable person I've met. So, if the best person I've met ignores me, who will acknowledge me?
If the people who I live with and spend every day of my life with ignore me, who will acknowledge me?
If people who don't even know who I am and if I'm worth speaking to ignore me, who will acknowledge me?
No-one, that's who. It doesn't matter how good or how close to me they are, or if they don't know me, they will ignore me anyway.
That's how I know that I will kill myself. As far as I'm concerned, nobody goes through life being completely and utterly invisible and unlikeable and doesn't kill themself.

I also know that I will do it because almost every thought that I think is a thought crime. I think thoughts that only the "worst" people in the world would think acceptable. So, even if I were to find a genuine person who acknowledged me, and made an effort with me, I wouldn't be able to tell them everything. If I told them what I really wanted and what I really thought, they would ignore me. They would think that I'm evil.

Furthermore, I am extremely arrogant, which makes it very hard to be around others. I'm also sensitive to noise which makes it hard to be around others.

Also, my body's pretty much ruined. I feel uncomfortable a lot of the time. I ache a lot, but I don't have chronic pain. At one point I thought that I was having a heart attack because my chest and neck and upper back and shoulder ached a lot and I had difficulty breathing. I just generally feel unwell and don't feel hungry or thirsty much at all.

I'm too anxious to really do anything. I would never, ever book a doctor's appointment. Ever.
I can't even speak most of the time.

I hate living with my family but I'd have to wait a year and a half to move out, and then I'd be homeless. Even if I found a place on my own, I'd struggle.
I'm extremely opposed to the government and society. It makes me sad that I will never see the world without government. I wish for all governments wordwide to be destroyed and for there to be no leaders or laws whatsoever. And of course I can't tell people this without being verbally attacked because it's a thought crime. Just one of my many thought crimes.
If I ever told anyone here my biggest thought crime, I would be ripped to shreds, metaphorically. Basically, if I were to act on my biggest thought crime, and were caught, I would be imprisoned for life.

So, I know that I will end up doing it, even though I am terrified of the thought of being hit by a train, because I'm just not an acceptable person. I hate society, and everyone in society dislikes me or is indifferent of me, and if they knew me fully, they would also hate me. I am incapatible with society.

They say for someone to be reformed, they need to admit their deepest thoughts, but if I do that, they will want to put me in prison. So I will never be reformed.
It's such a bad system. People get ignored and mistreated, and then they become really messed-up. And then, even though it's not their fault, they can only hope to get help before they reach a certain point. They can get help if they hate themselves, but not if they hate other people. It should be expected that they hate others after what they've done to them, but it's considered unacceptable to hate them.
They say they want to prevent murders, but if anyone future murderer ever confessed to wanting to kill people and not feeling guilty, then they would recieve so much hate, and they would just be mistreated even more, and they'd probably be put on a watch list.
The culprit gets to mistreat the victim as much as they want, and when it reaches a certain point, the victim can't get help because they're not even considered a victim anymore - they're a future culprit.

I'm sure that I will do it because the only way I could be a person who others could accept fully would be if I were reformed. But I'm so fucked-up that nobody would think of reforming me, and I don't even want to be reformed.
 
Suicideisnirvana

Suicideisnirvana

-
Aug 4, 2018
312
My resolve, a journal i've kept for three years and where i didn't change my opinion all that time, plus the fact that some of my problems are unsolvable, due to things that are unchangeable part of the universe (like the fact that we judge people mainly on their looks), it's not something i can suddenly accept one day, or "work on" even with the outmost optimism it can't be changed. And i just refuse to accept that i have to treat people differently and be treated differently just because of the way their/my face look, live in solitude and sadness just because of the way my face look etc.
 
O

okyeah

-
Jul 20, 2018
425
I’ve lived enough of a life to understand why I have failed over and over. Relationships, sports, friendship, school, everything. Why my parents live the pathetic life they do. Why I am doomed to the exact same fate. We are just animals unfortunately and we don’t have as much control as we would think. If you were raised like I was you would suffer a similar fate. I have chosen to accept that I would rather die than struggle for 10-20 years more to achieve some form of “success” that likely will be achieved too late for anyone to care about it. Wage slavery is also a real thing. I have a “choice” in a capitalist world - either be homeless or slave at a shit job to pay debts for 20 years. Chasing the fucking carrot on a stick that you will never reach.
 
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Deleted_9cKnXB34QG

Mage
Jun 26, 2018
501
I have schizoid PD so my decisions are not really based on emotions, it's more about logic and reason for me. And it's only logical to end this existence - existence I've never asked for.
I've been here long enough to understand that I'm simply incompatible with this world, life and other humans. There's no point to continue.

And I'm not even in some deep despair, I'm not crying my eyes out every day all depressed and defeated, having an emotional turmoil like many people on this forum. I'm just sitting here, almost completely content, going over my plan step by step. Thinking what kind of liquor I should buy and what to do with the rest of my savings since there isn't anything I'd like to buy anymore.
TBH I feel like I'm paying "Roy" and I can't get myself to take this life (or death) seriously.
 
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Blowba

Blowba

A Girl on the Shore
Aug 12, 2018
76
I want to believe that I am going to do it but there's a part of me that loves to make myself suffer in which I start to over think that I shouldn't ctb because if I do I will finally find peace a peace that I believe that I don't deserve at all so the punishment I give myself is the only thing holding me back
 
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NoLifeNoPain

NoLifeNoPain

Dinosaur
Jun 17, 2018
1,694
I'm not reading this, I apologize. Answering to the title, I did it once, I don't see why I can't succeed another time. And that time I want to catch the bus for good
 
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C

Comatose11

Mage
Jul 26, 2018
576
I hope I can do it once I’ve got the proper rope. The thought of living doesn’t appeal to me. I just don’t see the point of how the world works and I don’t fit in with society. I’m that awkward outcast that everyone hates.
 
BasedGod

BasedGod

Break the chains
Aug 13, 2018
38
Nothings changed, and I know it will stay that way. Things that are out of my control like my genetics and my face features are not changeable. I just want to leave this world painlessly, so it's been a struggle to find the right technique but I think I have it down now. Shouldn't be too long now. I just can't wait to go home.
 
D

Dip

Student
Jul 27, 2018
171
I've been considering my options the last couple of years. At various points in my life I've been employed, self-employed, unemployed and (earlier this year) hospitalized for a failed suicide attempt.

I'm tired of jumping through other people's hoops for treats when employed or for keeping the unemployment benefits, I'm no longer interested in spending time selling useless crap to others and chasing marketing trends and I certainly don't want to be imprisoned and drugged (was incredibly lucky to avoid drugging when I was in the psych ward, most likely won't be as lucky next time).

Given the above the only remaining options are to live at my parents with little privacy and zero autonomy, homelessness or death. I choose death and this time I'll be going with a much more simple method (hanging). That's what makes me sure I'll do it.