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Tired

Member
Mar 28, 2018
10
I have a boyfriend who loves me more than anything but I don't think I can go on anymore. I'm trans and without ffs, which in my circumstances I need and will never be able to afford and quite frankly I can't handle this anymore and don't want to live with this anymore. I know if I ctb it will devastate him and could send him spiraling. He's the reason I've held on so long but I just can't do it anymore. What the hell do I do?
 
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PeacefulTonic

Wizard
Aug 10, 2021
637
It’s a really tough spot for sure. I’m in a situation where I’m living for others too. Have you spoke to him about it?
 
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Tired

Member
Mar 28, 2018
10
It’s a really tough spot for sure. I’m in a situation where I’m living for others too. Have you spoke to him about it?
He knows I've been suicidal but I spare him the full brunt of it as I can see how even the smallest bits I've told him tear him apart. He found my posts on the old reddit sanctioned suicide board and had a breakdown at work. He wouldn't tell me right away why he was so upset but when he finally did he said he loves and supports me no matter what but asked that I tell him if I'm thinking about killing myself so we can work through it. It tore me up how much that upset him so I haven't really shared much since.
 
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PeacefulTonic

Wizard
Aug 10, 2021
637
You should talk to him about it then. At least give him a chance. But at the end of the day I’m sure he knows that it’s your choice.

I know for me personally, at this point at least, no matter what anyone does or says, I’m gonna ctb 100%
 
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Tired

Member
Mar 28, 2018
10
You should talk to him about it then. At least give him a chance. But at the end of the day I’m sure he knows that it’s your choice.

I know for me personally, at this point at least, no matter what anyone does or says, I’m gonna ctb 100%
The problem is I know having family members ctb increases the likelihood of them doing it themselves. I don't know if breaking it off and waiting a while would stem that or not but then again I suppose anyone who has done that isn't around to give me advice :(
The problem is I know having family members ctb increases the likelihood of them doing it themselves. I don't know if breaking it off and waiting a while would stem that or not but then again I suppose anyone who has done that isn't around to give me advice :(
I regret getting him involved with me even though I knew how my life would go he doesnt deserve this, I can't forgive myself for doing something so selfish.
 
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PeacefulTonic

Wizard
Aug 10, 2021
637
Either way he will be devastated. Maybe it’ll hurt less if you talk to him about it beforehand. That’s up to you. Many people choose not to tell anyone because of the fear that they will tell others or call the police on them
 
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pajoe1976

Just want it all to be over
Oct 25, 2021
113
I’m in the same boat. My husband will be devastated when I ctb. I’m working to make sure everything is setup for him as far as bills and stuff after I’m gone. All I can do is ask for his forgiveness. If I didn’t have him I wouldn’t be here right now.
 
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Nanako

Member
Dec 24, 2018
51
I'm in the same boat. I know it will devastate my parents, they don't deserve it but I can't just suffer for the rest of my life for their sake either. Life is so unbelievably cruel.
 
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AppleTreeDog

AppleTreeDog

Member
Nov 20, 2021
48
I regret getting him involved with me even though I knew how my life would go he doesnt deserve this, I can't forgive myself for doing something so selfish.
This is exactly how I feel about my partner. I feel so bad that I "trapped" him in this relationship and "made" him fall in love with me, and how devastated my depression and suicidality make him feel. :( I regret it so much every time I try to open up to him about my depression. I feel so selfish.

I'm also trans (FtM) and not sure I'll ever be able to do the medical transition I need to feel more okay living in this fucked up body I was born in. Even if I do, I know I'll never pass, I'll just look like a weird 12 year old boy since I'm so short and my Asian genes already make me look like a teenager (I'm 35).
 
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lastlife_

Member
Nov 15, 2021
36
I don’t know if you’re confident enough to be on social media to tell your story and journey, but at times when I’ve reached absolute boredom and opened up an app like tiktok I’ve come across videos from people who talk about their experiences with being trans and have received donations from their viewers on sites like justgiving to fund their surgeries. I know this way of raising money isn’t for everyone because there will always be hateful people online.. but if you’ve got a thick skin and want to tell your story, it’s an option..