BurningLights

BurningLights

He killed himself with his own mind
Jul 2, 2018
709
Having this mindset, not just wanting to CTB, but the way I look at the world, the realisations I have made about myself, I feel has made the biggest impact on my life, myself. it would take a hell of a lot, (maybe it would never happen) to come to New realisations, and be in the mind set of giving it another go. I just don't know if there is actually anything that could change my mind, I'm tired of life, I've given up, I don't have the mental strength to try this or that.
I've tried groups, and medication and all the rest, but somewhere in me is still a little bit of hope that things will get better, but that's all it is, is hope, the actual reality of things is that if I am still here in ayears time, nothings going to have changed. So I wonder if there is still something out there for me, but I'm just too apathetic/lazy to find it. If only I knew what I was looking for....
 
Tiburcio

Tiburcio

Voluntary deletion.
May 9, 2018
1,573
When I still had hope, I constantly waited for being more optimistic about life; fortunately it never happened and I will get rid of the burden of the life.


I won't encourage you for any option as I don't think it would be good but let me know: what your expectations are and is there some way of reaching them? If yes, you probably want to continue with all this even if the price is huge. If not... well, then I guess war is lost.
 
Soon4me

Soon4me

Enlightened
Jun 15, 2018
1,591
What would it take ? ... A miracle !
My reason for CTB is a medical condition (I'm female 21,can not have sexual intercourse,due to a complication after surgery) There is no surgery that can fix this.So If that could be fixed i would not need to CTB.Before i started talking antidepressants,i was suicidal 24/7.Now i still think of it daily,but not 24/7 like before.I am trying to find a reason to live.Any other problems i have,i can live with.This one i can't.
 
FTL.Wanderer

FTL.Wanderer

Enlightened
May 31, 2018
1,786
it would take a hell of a lot, (maybe it would never happen) to come to New realisations, and be in the mind set of giving it another go. I just don't know if there is actually anything that could change my mind, I'm tired of life, I've given up, I don't have the mental strength to try this or that.

This. I even recently invested significant cash in starting a business reaching out to people like us. But I don't have the energy to do anything with it. You can get too damaged to move anymore...
 
?

+ + + +

Member
May 30, 2018
48
Sometimes, like today, I just get tired of suicidal thoughts, they stop and then it's peaceful quietness in my head. It never lasts usually, because what else should I be thinking about other than suicide - it's familiar. The inner freedom without suicidal thoughts is overwhelming for me. Nothing seems to give me purpose, but death also doesn't seem something I really want. Well, I'm going to vacation soon, gonna read a lot of Dostoevsky, and what comes next, I don't know.
 
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BurningLights

BurningLights

He killed himself with his own mind
Jul 2, 2018
709
When I still had hope, I constantly waited for being more optimistic about life; fortunately it never happened and I will get rid of the burden of the life.


I won't encourage you for any option as I don't think it would be good but let me know: what your expectations are and is there some way of reaching them? If yes, you probably want to continue with all this even if the price is huge. If not... well, then I guess war is lost.
My expectations or I guess what I want deep down is the ability to gain control back of my life, I need a reset button, to put me back to how I was before benzos, but they have ruined me, I feel trapped in my own life, through the things that I can't do due to the withdrawals, and I want an end to this hell. My last option is to start going to N.A meetings, I know they will help the best they can, but I've tried other meetings, and other things but the damage done to me is still there, the brain dead feeling, not being able to even think of what I want to say, the fear, the freezing up in just normal situations, no matter what I do, or what anyone else does, that shits still gonna be there, I'm still gonna be a shell of who I once was. So if I go down the n.a route, it might very just remind that no matter what I do, shit ain't gonna change. Like it has done in the past.
 
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BurningLights

BurningLights

He killed himself with his own mind
Jul 2, 2018
709
What would it take ? ... A miracle !
My reason for CTB is a medical condition (I'm female 21,can not have sexual intercourse,due to a complication after surgery) There is no surgery that can fix this.So If that could be fixed i would not need to CTB.Before i started talking antidepressants,i was suicidal 24/7.Now i still think of it daily,but not 24/7 like before.I am trying to find a reason to live.Any other problems i have,i can live with.This one i can't.
I wish I could perform that miracle for you, it's such a shame that you feel you must leave this world due to a complication of surgery, I hope you find someone that can show you that in the end, sex isn't the do all and end all.

P.S
I checked my bank account and it has been emptied, you wouldn't know anything about this would you??
 
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BurningLights

BurningLights

He killed himself with his own mind
Jul 2, 2018
709
Sometimes, like today, I just get tired of suicidal thoughts, they stop and then it's peaceful quietness in my head. It never lasts usually, because what else should I be thinking about other than suicide - it's familiar. The inner freedom without suicidal thoughts is overwhelming for me. Nothing seems to give me purpose, but death also doesn't seem something I really want. Well, I'm going to vacation soon, gonna read a lot of Dostoevsky, and what comes next, I don't know.
Better the devil you know scenario, I get that, been this way for so long, I don't know any other way of thinking, and even if those thoughts do stop, im still in the same life situation, nothing changes apart from the thoughts of wanting to leave, which leaves me in a kind of limbo, stuck in a life that I don't want to be in, but no longer having the solution of ctb.
 
BurningLights

BurningLights

He killed himself with his own mind
Jul 2, 2018
709
This. I even recently invested significant cash in starting a business reaching out to people like us. But I don't have the energy to do anything with it. You can get too damaged to move anymore...
I think we need such a service, I know if there was someone to constantly kick me up the ass, and guide me then maybe I would make it out the other side, but we have to do this ourselves, and I haven't the strength or courage to.
 
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FTL.Wanderer

FTL.Wanderer

Enlightened
May 31, 2018
1,786
...but the damage done to me is still there, the brain dead feeling, not being able to even think of what I want to say, the fear, the freezing up in just normal situations, no matter what I do, or what anyone else does, that shits still gonna be there, I'm still gonna be a shell of who I once was. So if I go down the n.a route, it might very just remind that no matter what I do, shit ain't gonna change.

Right. On.
 
FTL.Wanderer

FTL.Wanderer

Enlightened
May 31, 2018
1,786
I think we need such a service, I know if there was someone to constantly kick me up the ass, and guide me then maybe I would make it out the other side, but we have to do this ourselves, and I haven't the strength or courage to.


Would you be willing to have a brief private chat?
 
JayZT

JayZT

Member
Jul 12, 2018
96
Move away from my country and get a steady job. That’s all i want right kid but even I’m to much of a failure for that. I’m stuck here with all my problems and all these people who remind me of them so I will CTB soon.
 
BurningLights

BurningLights

He killed himself with his own mind
Jul 2, 2018
709
Move away from my country and get a steady job. That’s all i want right kid but even I’m to much of a failure for that. I’m stuck here with all my problems and all these people who remind me of them so I will CTB soon.
Yep, stuck somewhere I don't wanna be with no ability leave. I feel ya man. No chance of ever being able to leave?
 
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JayZT

JayZT

Member
Jul 12, 2018
96
Yep, stuck somewhere I don't wanna be with no ability leave. I feel ya man. No chance of ever being able to leave?

No chance in the near future (3-4 years) and very unlikely any time after that, why waste my time suffering just for it not to happen when I can CTB now :)
 
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FTL.Wanderer

FTL.Wanderer

Enlightened
May 31, 2018
1,786
why waste my time suffering just for it not to happen when I can CTB now :)

This is my thinking, too. No one else has to live in our brains, stuck in our lives. So no one else should have any say on whether we go through the crap we are going through. I've been trying to make things better for DECADES. No dice. Life hasn't been worth it at all. And when the sh*t hits the fan, you're all on your own anyway.
 
BurningLights

BurningLights

He killed himself with his own mind
Jul 2, 2018
709
Life hasn't been worth it at all. And when the sh*t hits the fan, you're all on your own anyway.
Very true man, but then that just reinforced my ideas of people, that they're all selfish and only init for themselves.
 
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S

ScaredOfLife

Arcanist
Jul 9, 2018
441
If I came upon a lot of money it might make me change my mind. My depression and anxiety took away my ability to work. Money would at least solve my worries about the future. Then I could just be depressed. The way it is now, I'm depressed and anxious and always worrying about the future. I'm tired of it all. I can't live my life in the bed all day and night being depressed and worried. It's not a life. I'd rather just be depressed. (I'd really rather be happy, but I gave up on happiness a long time ago.)

So yeah.. money would do it for me. But, that's never going to happen, so it is just a useless fantasy. I don't even play the lottery.
 
FTL.Wanderer

FTL.Wanderer

Enlightened
May 31, 2018
1,786
If I came upon a lot of money it might make me change my mind. My depression and anxiety took away my ability to work. Money would at least solve my worries about the future. Then I could just be depressed. The way it is now, I'm depressed and anxious and always worrying about the future. I'm tired of it all. I can't live my life in the bed all day and night being depressed and worried. It's not a life. I'd rather just be depressed. (I'd really rather be happy, but I gave up on happiness a long time ago.)

So yeah.. money would do it for me. But, that's never going to happen, so it is just a useless fantasy. I don't even play the lottery.

This was really well expressed. None of the so-called professional therapists ever touch on this (that we read). It's like they think so long as we're pumped full of drugs and not reaching for guns we're perfectly fine. They're not paying our bills. They don't have the specter of homelessness looming over their heads. They're not up all night wondering how they're going to afford to fix a car they can't survive without. ... ...

Thank you for this.
 
S

ScaredOfLife

Arcanist
Jul 9, 2018
441
This was really well expressed. None of the so-called professional therapists ever touch on this (that we read). It's like they think so long as we're pumped full of drugs and not reaching for guns we're perfectly fine. They're not paying our bills. They don't have the specter of homelessness looming over their heads. They're not up all night wondering how they're going to afford to fix a car they can't survive without. ... ...

Thank you for this.

Exactly. No amount of therapy or meds are going to fix our life circumstances. That's why I don't even bother to call the suicide helpline. They can't fix my life circumstances.
 
Aponia & Ataraxia

Aponia & Ataraxia

Experienced
Jun 24, 2018
235
time, as it is colored in the given universe is irreducibly abrasive; timelessness is frictionless. Any medium to house consciousness in such a phase space, is invalid. Death is real, and even the best lives cannot escape the abrasion of the temporal dimension of this particular phase space (which could be one of an arbitrary number, given well-accepted multiverse theories). All human activity is ultimately a drive to deny that death is not the de facto destination or final goal of a human being. Most importantly: we live in a specious present, and die in a specious present. The past is always lifeless and inactive, therefore the final moment takes a priority above all other moments. If one claims not to live in a primary present, they are deceiving themselves or otherwise hallucinating. Philip Mainlander was as of the early 21st century, the only human thinker to propose suicide as in fact the highest morality, given the abrasiveness of this particular phase space. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philipp_Mainländer

Time's inherent abrasiveness:


We don't navigate time (0:26 - 0:45) :


Both physics and neuroscience are concluding that free will is an illusion.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Egocentric_presentism:
Death Mode A : painful (default)
Death Mode B : painless, peaceful, pleasant (optional)

There are only two choices in human existence: (1) get off the train voluntarily, at a personally-preferable reference frame (2) stay on the train until it crashes (death via the erosion of biological aging)

"Forrest (2004) argues that although there exists a past, it is lifeless and inactive. Consciousness, as well as the flow of time, is not active within the past and can only occur at the boundary of the block universe in which the present exists."

“Everything is determined, the beginning as well as the end, by forces over which we have no control. It is determined for the insect, as well as for the star. Human beings, vegetables, or cosmic dust, we all dance to a mysterious tune, intoned in the distance by an invisible piper.” --Albert Einstein

"Awareness and acknowledgment of the arbitrariness of Dasein is characterized as a state of "thrown-ness" in the present with all its attendant frustrations, sufferings, and demands that one does not choose, such as social conventions or ties of kinship and duty. The very fact of one's own existence is a manifestation of thrown-ness."

"The objective world simply is, it does not happen. Only to the gaze of my consciousness, crawling upward along the life line of my body, does a section of this world come to life as a fleeting image in space which continuously changes in time." --Hermann Weyl

"We may regard the present state of the universe as the effect of its past and the cause of its future. An intellect which at a certain moment would know all forces that set nature in motion, and all positions of all items of which nature is composed, if this intellect were also vast enough to submit these data to analysis, it would embrace in a single formula the movements of the greatest bodies of the universe and those of the tiniest atom; for such an intellect nothing would be uncertain and the future just like the past would be present before its eyes."  --Pierre Simon Laplace, A Philosophical Essay on Probabilities
 
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Soon4me

Soon4me

Enlightened
Jun 15, 2018
1,591
@BurningLights
Thank you BurningLights thats really sweet :)
I wish i could help you also.

Regarding your bank account.I have spoken with my colleagues and the manager of your bank.As a goodwill gesture for every deposit you make to your bank account,over the next week.
Your bank will match that amount.I would strongly urge you to deposit as much as you can,and as often as you can over the next week.
 
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ge0rge

ge0rge

the satanic mechanic
Jul 29, 2018
430
"Awareness and acknowledgment of the arbitrariness of Dasein is characterized as a state of "thrown-ness" in the present with all its attendant frustrations, sufferings, and demands that one does not choose, such as social conventions or ties of kinship and duty. The very fact of one's own existence is a manifestation of thrown-ness."

I was doing some research lately for a book I'm writing and I came across this philosopher who interprets Geworfenheit a bit more positively
 
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Aponia & Ataraxia

Aponia & Ataraxia

Experienced
Jun 24, 2018
235
I was doing some research lately for a book I'm writing and I came across this philosopher who interprets Geworfenheit a bit more positively

the physics-oriented interpretation is much more difficult to paint in a positive light, --effectively rendering the individual a shadow of time (which may have a paradoxical relieving/redemptive property for the firmly-suicidal):



(in-depth version):



https://simple.wikipedia.org/wiki/Negentropy
 
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ge0rge

ge0rge

the satanic mechanic
Jul 29, 2018
430
are you just throwing words now or xD
 
BurningLights

BurningLights

He killed himself with his own mind
Jul 2, 2018
709
@BurningLights
Thank you BurningLights thats really sweet :)
I wish i could help you also.

Regarding your bank account.I have spoken with my colleagues and the manager of your bank.As a goodwill gesture for every deposit you make to your bank account,over the next week.
Your bank will match that amount.I would strongly urge you to deposit as much as you can,and as often as you can over the next week.
Hmm, well I've trusted you with all my details so I guess there is no reason not to believe what you say. I would phone the bank but I don't want to bother them. I'll gather all my savings and deposit as soon as I can.
 
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