E

Eric Kalteux

Member
May 15, 2018
15
I think I’m getting close because I have started to look forward to it the same way I look forward to sleep every night.

I mean to the extent where I look forward to finally finding out the pain of the method. And I have started to want to have the experience of dying itself.

When I first started feeling suicidal, I used to think that I wanted to just press a button to CTB if one existed. But now I no longer care about abstract impossibilities, and my thoughts actually focus on wanting my method to be real. I used to only dream of the result, but now I no longer shun away the thoughts of the method that will bring about that result.

Earlier on, during the beginning of my ideations, I would avoid thinking about what would be the subjective experience while carrying out my method was happening to me. Now, I actually revel in that thought and have a smile.

I dwell on what I will experience soon the same way that one dwells on a pleasant memory of childhood. I feel nostalgic about something of the future. So deeply I feel the anticipation that it has itself become a type of memory in my psyche that feels like CTB will not just be something that is going to happen but that it also has already happened because I decided it. It feels like everything that comes hereafter in life will just be muscles performing commands from a nervous system that has already sent the orders.
 
athousandsorrows

athousandsorrows

Member
Jul 5, 2018
70
I think I’m getting close because I have started to look forward to it the same way I look forward to sleep every night.

I mean to the extent where I look forward to finally finding out the pain of the method. And I have started to want to have the experience of dying itself.

When I first started feeling suicidal, I used to think that I wanted to just press a button to CTB if one existed. But now I no longer care about abstract impossibilities, and my thoughts actually focus on wanting my method to be real. I used to only dream of the result, but now I no longer shun away the thoughts of the method that will bring about that result.

Earlier into the beginning of my ideations would avoid thinking about what would be the subjective experience while carrying out my method was happening to me. Now, I actually revel in that thought and have a smile.

I dwell on what I will experience soon the same way that one dwells on a pleasant memory of childhood. I feel nostalgic about something of the future. So deeply I feel the anticipation that it has itself become a type of memory in my psyche that feels like CTB will not just be something that is going to happen but that it also has already happened because I decided it. It feels like everything that comes hereafter in life will just be muscles performing commands from a nervous system that has already sent the orders.


Well, I'm no expert, but it sounds to me like you're at peace with the choice you've made and you've definitely made it. I've read that suicidal people are not always so easy to spot, since some of them, once they make the real decision to end their lives, actually feel relieved and happier knowing that it will be over soon. Ergo, once they've made that decision they actually seem happy and fine to the outside world, and that's why they "couldn't prevent it".

I have to confess I envy you. I wish I could arrive at the decision with absolute certainty to the point where I'm actually looking forward to it in a sort of nostalgic bliss like you describe. I'm still very much battling inside, wondering if there's the smallest glimmer of hope that can salvage this sinking ship that is my life. Alas, I'm yet to arrive to that certainty.

Whatever you ultimately end up doing or not doing I wish you the best!
 
Gray Wounds

Gray Wounds

A Phantasmagoria
Jun 27, 2018
513
When the color of my vision fades into a dull one.
 
Aponia & Ataraxia

Aponia & Ataraxia

Experienced
Jun 24, 2018
235
When all the critical substances, equipment, and money is acquired. Some (myself included) can't help but develop a sort of hypomania, --this however comes from a long line of critical thought into what it means to be human. I'm a personal advocate of rather leisurely deaths though, having lived this whole human experience within this single--yet continuous, present moment. That final succession of this life-long present to which we are each embedded is the only subjective meaning that is actually in alignment with the objective nature of time as we experience it.

Although I have no logical proofs for why we ought to enjoy ourselves during the final days, hours, minutes, seconds... I think it is an intuitive heuristic that many subconsciously share (among even those who are unconsciously, passively, or otherwise non-actively suicidal). I also have well above-average mortality salience, which likely holds the most prominent effect on both my reasoning & perception.
 
E

Eric Kalteux

Member
May 15, 2018
15
Thanks! I’m glad you understood me so well. I no longer have the conscious or subconscious conflict within myself that you describe - the loss of that is exactly the point that I think indicates inevitability.

I wish you the best as well !


Well, I'm no expert, but it sounds to me like you're at peace with the choice you've made and you've definitely made it. I've read that suicidal people are not always so easy to spot, since some of them, once they make the real decision to end their lives, actually feel relieved and happier knowing that it will be over soon. Ergo, once they've made that decision they actually seem happy and fine to the outside world, and that's why they "couldn't prevent it".

I have to confess I envy you. I wish I could arrive at the decision with absolute certainty to the point where I'm actually looking forward to it in a sort of nostalgic bliss like you describe. I'm still very much battling inside, wondering if there's the smallest glimmer of hope that can salvage this sinking ship that is my life. Alas, I'm yet to arrive to that certainty.

Whatever you ultimately end up doing or not doing I wish you the best!
Thank
 
M

millefeui

-
Mar 31, 2018
1,036
For me, I am way past my time to kill myself. I am basically a rotten fruit by now. The thing is, even if I am beyond my desired time to kill myself, I am simply not allowed to. But someday I will be allowed, and it will not take a week at most from that moment for me to be gone.

Suicide was the only choice for me and knew that very early, when I was an adolescent still. I have lived in a grayscale world as far as I can remember and my ability to travel to different places and stay there consistently (in my head) diminished considerably as I got older. I just don't like this world, this reality, etc. I wasn't made for it. Of course, this isn't all. I have to go through gender, sexuality and self image issues, too and since I was never able to fit in and enjoy life and myself, I slowly became a reclusive person. A hikikomori, if you will.

Nowadays I am past my prime. In this world, a woman nearing her 30s loses most of her value at the eyes of society. Not like it matters at all to me, since I want nothing with this reality, but it is an extra reason to not keep on living. I didn't get to enjoy my childhood, teenhood and early adulthood in this world, why would I enjoy being an older person?

Also, I will be 28 in a few months and I never finished college or whatever. I dropped from it in 2012. I am basically useless. So when I look at it, there is really no reason to keep on living.

--

OP, only you can figure that out. Only you will know what is your tipping point. Your point of no return. There was a time where something inside me changed. Despite everything I said above, up until some point I still had silly pseudo hopes and dreams, and tried to fit in, etc. But one day, I knew it was all pointless. I was fooling myself. For me, there is no turning back now. I am just playing the waiting game, and hoping either nothing or what I desire waits for me in the after death.
 
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mattwitt

mattwitt

# 978
Jun 28, 2018
2,307
I quit my job back in November. since then I've been living off of my 401k money and credit cards... when those dry up that's probably when it's time for me to see what's on the other side.
 
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Why.

Why.

Member
Jun 8, 2018
63
Nowadays I am past my prime. In this world, a woman nearing her 30s loses most of her value at the eyes of society. Not like it matters at all to me, since I want nothing with this reality, but it is an extra reason to not keep on living. I didn't get to enjoy my childhood, teenhood and early adulthood in this world, why would I enjoy being an older person?

Fuck. I turn 30 this autumn. You've described my feelings perfectly.
 
L

Life sucks

Enlightened
Apr 18, 2018
1,871
I think many things as a collective are the indicator and not a single thing for me.

And I really really mean many many things.

Pain and "Mental" problems? Have

People around me are bad? Yes

Society sucks? Yes

Can you live as you want? No

Can you do what you want? Time is short and can't do anything

Deep problems that can't be solved? There are many

The status qou locally and globally? Bad

Do you like life? No and it has inherent problems

Systems and its entities like corporations? Shit

What about waiting death? Life is a prison and a painful movie to watch, better to die right now than waiting countless years of inherent bs and aging and becoming completely useless and expired.

Can you be with people you love? No

And many more, problems don't come alone.

Its only a matter of time and I don't intend to stay and watch the painful movie
 
LittleDuckling

LittleDuckling

Member
Jun 27, 2018
18
I knew it was time when it got so bad that I couldn't find any coping mechanism to escape my reality. I have been suicidal since I was 12 but for a long time I hid it really well, I always use to joke around and I was even the class clown a lot of the time because comedy and making other people happy or laugh use to help me escape my painful reality. But then my mind couldn't take it anymore, I couldn't laugh or joke anymore, I became so miserable that it started to show on the outside too. I became extremely underweight, became pale, couldn't talk or breathe, basically I was a dead man walking, everyone thought I had cancer or was ill due to how much I seemed to change. Before I use to have escape mechanisms, but now all I thought about was killing myself every sleeping and waking moment. At that point I knew it was my time to go, I had nothing to escape from my reality, my life was over.
 
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Imaginos

Imaginos

Full-time layabout
Apr 7, 2018
633
Whenever it is I can no longer live as a hikikomori anymore, I guess. Life sucks, but, for the moment, I can afford to just keep drifting along aimlessly. Exactly as I've been doing for over a decade now. Lulled to slumber in a haze of ever present complacency, while wrapped in a warm blanket of quiet isolation. A divisive dream that ties me to the material realm, but also one I can't manage to bring myself to wake up from. That's the beauty and the curse of being a hermit. It makes life just bearable enough for one to keep on living. Dying, after all, can be such a hassle and, in the end, it's simply easier for someone like me, given my circumstances, to do nothing. Assuming I'm still around when those circumstances change however, well.....I'd rather not think about it. Ultimately, I have no faith in myself that I'll ever be able to commit suicide. I know my persistent cowardliness & general weaknesses too well to think otherwise.

RT88Bo9.png
 
athousandsorrows

athousandsorrows

Member
Jul 5, 2018
70
For me, I am way past my time to kill myself. I am basically a rotten fruit by now. The thing is, even if I am beyond my desired time to kill myself, I am simply not allowed to. But someday I will be allowed, and it will not take a week at most from that moment for me to be gone.

Suicide was the only choice for me and knew that very early, when I was an adolescent still. I have lived in a grayscale world as far as I can remember and my ability to travel to different places and stay there consistently (in my head) diminished considerably as I got older. I just don't like this world, this reality, etc. I wasn't made for it. Of course, this isn't all. I have to go through gender, sexuality and self image issues, too and since I was never able to fit in and enjoy life and myself, I slowly became a reclusive person. A hikikomori, if you will.

Nowadays I am past my prime. In this world, a woman nearing her 30s loses most of her value at the eyes of society. Not like it matters at all to me, since I want nothing with this reality, but it is an extra reason to not keep on living. I didn't get to enjoy my childhood, teenhood and early adulthood in this world, why would I enjoy being an older person?

Also, I will be 28 in a few months and I never finished college or whatever. I dropped from it in 2012. I am basically useless. So when I look at it, there is really no reason to keep on living.

--

OP, only you can figure that out. Only you will know what is your tipping point. Your point of no return. There was a time where something inside me changed. Despite everything I said above, up until some point I still had silly pseudo hopes and dreams, and tried to fit in, etc. But one day, I knew it was all pointless. I was fooling myself. For me, there is no turning back now. I am just playing the waiting game, and hoping either nothing or what I desire waits for me in the after death.

Reading you is like reading myself when I was 28. That is EXACTLY how I felt. I ended up graduating from the university at your age, which I already thought was late, and it is, depending on what you want to do. If your passion is business, then no, it's not too late, or anything that doesn't rely on your age to be honest. My curse is that I've always liked the artistic careers where age really does matter. I'm aware that I'm not ACTUALLY old, but I sure feel like it. The day I turned 30 whatever hopes of ever doing what I liked went down the drain. Also, the reality is that I never really worked towards doing what I truly like, always following others' advice (or rather orders) and never really giving it a shot to begin with. I think what hurts the most is the idea of what could have been. Like, deep, deep, DEEP inside a part of me truly believed I could've made it as an actress or a singer. Of course I don't believe there's any hope now, at all, or I wouldn't be here but rather working towards achieving that, knowing how much time and life I've wasted by trying to make others happy. If I were still 28, knowing what I know today and seeing myself today, I think I would risk it all, like I always wanted. 2 good years left until 30.

I fantasized about running away ever since I was a kid. When I say running away I don't mean like from my parents but from EVERYTHING. Literally starting over in another country where nobody knows me or my story. I came close to selling what little stuff I have which isn't much and just buying a one way ticket to wherever, like in the movie I think it's Into the Wild? Anyway, I never had the guts. I've always been scared out of my mind of failure, and ironically, I've just remained frozen, thus failing by default.
 
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M

millefeui

-
Mar 31, 2018
1,036
Reading you is like reading myself when I was 28. That is EXACTLY how I felt. I ended up graduating from the university at your age, which I already thought was late, and it is, depending on what you want to do. If your passion is business, then no, it's not too late, or anything that doesn't rely on your age to be honest. My curse is that I've always liked the artistic careers where age really does matter. I'm aware that I'm not ACTUALLY old, but I sure feel like it. The day I turned 30 whatever hopes of ever doing what I liked went down the drain. Also, the reality is that I never really worked towards doing what I truly like, always following others' advice (or rather orders) and never really giving it a shot to begin with. I think what hurts the most is the idea of what could have been. Like, deep, deep, DEEP inside a part of me truly believed I could've made it as an actress or a singer. Of course I don't believe there's any hope now, at all, or I wouldn't be here but rather working towards achieving that, knowing how much time and life I've wasted by trying to make others happy. If I were still 28, knowing what I know today and seeing myself today, I think I would risk it all, like I always wanted. 2 good years left until 30.

I fantasized about running away ever since I was a kid. When I say running away I don't mean like from my parents but from EVERYTHING. Literally starting over in another country where nobody knows me or my story. I came close to selling what little stuff I have which isn't much and just buying a one way ticket to wherever, like in the movie I think it's Into the Wild? Anyway, I never had the guts. I've always been scared out of my mind of failure, and ironically, I've just remained frozen, thus failing by default.
I see. But I don't really desire to graduate or anything like that. I am set on killing myself, so there is no reason to dedicate so much time to college at this point. Plus, I would rather spend that time staying with my dog, who will not live forever. What I really desire is either beyond this life or just plain impossible.