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Gray Wounds

Gray Wounds

A Phantasmagoria
Jun 27, 2018
513
Now I'm turning into a fucking psychopath. I fucking itch for the knife and just kill everyone listed in my Death Note.

Damn, I really need to end me before I go out of control and murder human beings starting from this fucking house.
 
Tiburcio

Tiburcio

Voluntary deletion.
May 9, 2018
1,573
Hey,

I never said this before because people could judge me wrongly, but I recently saw some of your posts and I feel in a very similar way.

Normally I don't like torture, but when I'm angry everything changes. I have murder thoughts daily and there is no day when I don't think in all the atrocities they do and I don't feel a deep wish of causing damage to someone.

This gets progresively worse. I reached the level of bloodlust when I only want to cause them as pain as they caused (a lot). In rare ocasions, I want to rip them (something rare as the idea normally horrorifies me) and cover me in the blood of my victims.

I never will do it, I have a lot of self-control but I don't know if all this srress and fury will be discharged in such way. I hope no, I don't want to go to prison.

I only want this feelings out of my head, they are harmful for me.
 
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Gray Wounds

Gray Wounds

A Phantasmagoria
Jun 27, 2018
513
Hey,

I never said this before because people could judge me wrongly, but I recently saw some of your posts and I feel in a very similar way.

Normally I don't like torture, but when I'm angry everything changes. I have murder thoughts daily and there is no day when I don't think in all the atrocities they do and I don't feel a deep wish of causing damage to someone.

This gets progresively worse. I reached the level of bloodlust when I only want to cause them as pain as they caused (a lot). In rare ocasions, I want to rip them (something rare as the idea normally horrorifies me) and cover me in the blood of my victims.

I never will do it, I have a lot of self-control but I don't know if all this srress and fury will be discharged in such way. I hope no, I don't want to go to prison.

I only want this feelings out of my head, they are harmful for me.

thanks for telling me. it's good that you still have your control. i do not have mine. and I cannot take these thoughts off of my head. sometimes, they just tune down. but most of the time, they're with me. and in those times, I am left with no choice but to hurt myself to satisfy that feeling in me. and if i can't, like now, i just itch. my whole body itches to the thought. and I do not know if I will succeed until it tunes down.
 
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Gray Wounds

Gray Wounds

A Phantasmagoria
Jun 27, 2018
513
i'll just watch torture videos and see if it will do any difference to the situation. or anything to alleviate this before my preferred date to ctb
 
Gray Wounds

Gray Wounds

A Phantasmagoria
Jun 27, 2018
513
And then I fucking survived the day again without losing all of my remaining sanity.
 
Dead_Inside

Dead_Inside

Wizard
Jul 2, 2018
625
SI and HI ... yep don’t tell anyone about that for sure. I didn’t even know that if you thought about killing someone - even if they where the one who had been hurting you for a long time - it’s considered bad. Was an unfortunate recent discovery of mine ....
 
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Gray Wounds

Gray Wounds

A Phantasmagoria
Jun 27, 2018
513
SI and HI ... yep don’t tell anyone about that for sure. I didn’t even know that if you thought about killing someone - even if they where the one who had been hurting you for a long time - it’s considered bad. Was an unfortunate recent discovery of mine ....

I'm quite loudmouthed and have most of the time threaten human beings, saying that I will kill them or that I should. And that I do not know if any of my ways to cope with that part of me can still suffice that itch when it once again, strike. I know they can get me nailed because of this. but can they? will they without having their asses in jail together with me? that'll be like giving me my preys so that I do not need to hunt them down.
 
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Dead_Inside

Dead_Inside

Wizard
Jul 2, 2018
625
I'm quite loudmouthed and have most of the time threaten human beings, saying that I will kill them or that I should. And that I do not know if any of my ways to cope with that part of me can still suffice that itch when it once again, strike. I know they can get me nailed because of this. but can they? will they without having their asses in jail together with me? that'll be like giving me my preys so that I do not need to hunt them down.
Have to remind myself that unless I fully plan and excecute on my plan I shouldn’t even say it out loud. I am tired of giving them the fucking satisfaction. It kills me but I hate that anyone can make me feel that way. I sure as hell won’t let them see me get dragged off like a crazy person. No. I know they will be happy enough to find out I killed myself.
 
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Gray Wounds

Gray Wounds

A Phantasmagoria
Jun 27, 2018
513
Have to remind myself that unless I fully plan and excecute on my plan I shouldn’t even say it out loud. I am tired of giving them the fucking satisfaction. It kills me but I hate that anyone can make me feel that way. I sure as hell won’t let them see me get dragged off like a crazy person. No. I know they will be happy enough to find out I killed myself.

I respect your decision regarding the matter. Thank you for that.
 
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Dead_Inside

Dead_Inside

Wizard
Jul 2, 2018
625
It’s nice to know other people have similar issues ... I feel alone and I hate my thoughts so getting to hear someone else struggle with it sucks but helps me a bit?
 
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Aponia & Ataraxia

Aponia & Ataraxia

Experienced
Jun 24, 2018
235
"Not only is suicide a sin, it is the sin. It is the ultimate and absolute evil, the refusal to take an interest in existence; the refusal to take the oath of loyalty to life. The man who kills a man, kills a man. The man who kills himself, kills all men; as far as he is concerned he wipes out the world." --G.K. Chesterton

Even palpably insane, negentropy-worshiping Christians from bygone times are spot-on, occasionally.

the above quote outlines this concept: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personal_horizon

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vertiginous_question
https://simple.wikipedia.org/wiki/Negentropy
 
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