• Welcome! SanctionedSuicide is a forum for the discussion of mental illness and suicide. Please read our rules and our Principles.
    If you are in need of immediate support, please call the Samaritans hotline at (877) 870-4673, or check our recovery resources.

AverageFanEnjoyer

AverageFanEnjoyer

The Hated One
Sep 26, 2021
1,890
the whole ctb process that i'll go through, or even better, will the SN even arrive? I constantly worry about this one.

also, how do I ctb while still having some kind of contact with my ex with whom I'm still on good terms with and will spend the winter holidays with?
 
NearlyIrrelevantCake

NearlyIrrelevantCake

The Cake Is A Lie
Aug 12, 2021
554
Pain.

Woke up with a migraine and my hips on fire, like there's burning sand in the joints. Took extra Gabapentin for the hips and it helped a bit... Migrain's still here ~12 hours later. Only have Tylenol and no codeine and the migraine doesn't want to bugger off with just the Tylenol.
 
miserableforever

miserableforever

Specialist
Oct 23, 2020
346
My ex was just outside my house at midnight, hiding with lights off in his car. Supposedly visiting a friend that lives around my complex. Sureeee.
Now I get to sit here all night worrying about my 2 kids. Divorced for 3 years. As if I didn’t have enough to deal with..
 
Dr Iron Arc

Dr Iron Arc

Into the Unknown
Feb 10, 2020
16,239
Thinking about my doctor appointment today, they said my sugar levels are looking too high. What else is new? The doctor tried recommending me a bunch of things I don’t want to do and when I refused I could tell they were getting frustrated but how is going on a diet supposed to be helpful? I didn’t say this to them but if the idea is for me to live a happy life then it’s physically impossible for me to do that if I can’t eat unhealthily. Cut carbs? When I literally eat have to eat rice and or noodles everyday? And how am I supposed to eat vegetables when I’m allergic to a bunch of them and the ones I’m not allergic to either don’t fill me up or don’t count because they’re corn and potatoes? I’m feeling hungry for something extremely fattening just typing this. Nothing can stop me from wanting to eat bad food so might as well just kill me.
 
S

Salkak

Member
Dec 9, 2021
32
So many things. God knows why studying is hard for me. May be I am just stupid. Every morning I wake up with my heart beating like crazy and I start contemplating about suicide like every fucking morning. All my friends call me only when they need something. I am there for every one but nobody is there for me. I've never had any romantic relationship. I can't eat or sleep properly. I don't even know if can share my thoughts with my therapist.It makes me really depressed thinking how I constantly think of killing myself without even living my life.
 
W

Wisdom3_1-9

he/him/his
Jul 19, 2020
1,496
My mother.
It's too detailed to go into on here and really get my point across, but she's become insufferable. She is staying with me for two more days, then we are traveling together for two days, then I'm moving her into a new apartment and staying with her for a week. I can't wait till this is all over. I'm so angry right now. I am looking forward to minimizing my communication with her after these next few weeks are over.
 
T

tieiwi

Member
Dec 11, 2021
84
Nobody cares about my feelings!!!! I’m constantly being called dramatic or ‘starting drama’ when I voice that I’m upset about something. Then I see how other peoples feelings are taken seriously and I feel like a joke. Makes me very sad.
 
S

Spacedoutfailure_

Member
Jan 11, 2022
9
The fact that my dad drank himself to death. The fact that if I don't CTB I'll probably end up doing the same. The fact that I was born poor relative to my peers and got rejected by them for it. The fact that I've been a sexless loser throughout my teens and twenties. The Matthew principle. It's just all shit and unbearable now.
 
mixolydian

mixolydian

broken body, broken mind
Aug 2, 2020
387
The fact that I'm so old and have nothing to show for my life because of chronic illness. The fact that I'm basically in poverty even though I used to be an ambitious hardworking person. The fact that any opportunities to make money for me now are going to be shitty ones where I'm basically exploited at a basic human level.
 
Dr Iron Arc

Dr Iron Arc

Into the Unknown
Feb 10, 2020
16,239
I feel really angry today at my friends. Why? Not for anything any of them have specifically done to me lately. I’m just kind of mad that I have them today. So many people whether in this forum or outside of it suffer from loneliness to such a degree that they can’t even make friends and here I am with too many to count and none I even want because for various reasons I can’t let any of them in to peer into my deepest mind recesses enough. I wish they would just once be able to see the monster I really am. I wish they could see that whatever forms of kindness or humor I’ve shown them were merely pathetic displays of cowardice meant to manipulate people into liking me instead of being true to them.

Part of me wants them to stop caring so they’ll let me die but another part also wants them to stop caring because it’s the right thing to do and I hate seeing my friends waste any bit of concern on someone so useless and corrupt as I. This all extends to my family as well but they have the meaningless bond of family as an excuse. I just want people to stop beating around the bush and call me hateful things because I AM a hateful person. If only people knew just how much hate there was inside of me for plenty of people and groups who don’t actually deserve it at all and yet my hate is there all the same. I need to be eliminated.
 
S

StarryStarry

Specialist
Oct 25, 2021
338
I feel frozen. I can't move forward and I can't move back. I can't move. I can't think. My mind is so cloudy I can't put anything in perspective. Do I ctb or move 3000 miles away, give away everything own and start over. Starting over sounds so good, but will I bring my baggage with me? But if I do, I'll have insurance. But I'm so afraid. I'm so afraid to drive 3000 miles by myself. What if .................. what if ............... It would be so much easier to leave and go to my little girl, ctb. No more tears, no more loneliness, no more struggles, no more looking for a job or worrying if I'll be fired. WTF do I do? Need to decide today. today is D Day.
 
W

Wisdom3_1-9

he/him/his
Jul 19, 2020
1,496
I’ve been gone for eight days. It was an exhausting week, helping my mother move into a retirement community. I returned home last night after a 14-hour drive. In those 8 days, my husband didn’t put away any of the Christmas decorations. There was laundry on the floor, piles of dishes, multiple half-filled cans of pop throughout the house, etc. It’s not a disaster or anything like that, but it’s just enough that instead of spending my day off this week recovering from an exhausting eight days, I need to spend it cleaning and doing laundry. I just want a break.