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NeverSatisfied

NeverSatisfied

Experienced
Joined
Dec 28, 2020
Messages
219
Idk where to post this but the only thing that has kept my SI so strong is the fact that my sister and I start the prospect of having built generational wealth in my family. I'm Black so this is a big deal without saying what I'm going to the next sentence. We are the first from my mom's side to graduate hs in the normal amount of time without getting pregnant, joining a gang or joining the military. And I'm the first to graduate from college on both sides without doing either of those things. I literally feel like I have no idea what I'm doing or what I even want from life though I'm so depressed. The only thing that's kept me here is the idea of having a Black child and being able to pass on a greater deal of wealth to them. I've been suicidal for a while now. When I was younger I'd imagine adopting a child, giving them my money, then dying. Now I realize that process would take too long because I'd be in my 60s before that's feasible. But also the idea of raising a Black child who can pass down even more generational wealth and help other minorities around them is empowering to me and the only thing keeping me here.

Does anyone else have that one thing/bother/itch that's keeping them alive?
 
Conker

Conker

Experienced
Joined
Oct 22, 2019
Messages
204
Well, QoL is tolerable thus far so I figure may as well finish this final rollercoaster ride. Not like any of us have much years left anyways before society collapses.
 
Gnip

Gnip

Bill the Cat
Joined
Oct 10, 2020
Messages
633
I promised my mother (who does not make promises herself BTW) that I would not CTB within her lifetime. However, sometime within the next few days, I will order multiple bottles of SN. I have non CTB uses for it, and if something does happen to my mother, I will have an emergency stash to dose myself with immediately.
 
B

Bigpink

Wizard
Joined
Oct 12, 2020
Messages
600
Dithering over CTB. Have no purpose to being here.
 
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muffin222

muffin222

Enlightened
Joined
Mar 31, 2020
Messages
1,222
I'm technically in recovery and am currently seeing a therapist, so I vowed to myself to stay alive for a bit longer and give recovery another go. Whether I'll actually recover and cease to feel suicidal is yet to be seen, though.
 
D

Deleted member 24006

Member
Joined
Nov 20, 2020
Messages
60
The "even though(s)": Even though I have multiple methods available and ready/hidden, I'm so apathetic about everything I don't even care enough yet to use one - but do most seriously wish I were deceased each morning. Yeah, yeah, yeah ...... effects of depression bla bla bla ...... I know. Even though God isn't people, can I really trust He'll not commit me to a worse hell than I have now because I'm such an unpardonable, ungrateful, unreliable, unloveable/loved dirt bag? Many post on SS about afterlife, but our "beliefs" about what comes after life will not change the salient realities of what awaits us all any more than being able to fly just because we believe. Note I'm not talking about "faith", but instead mere "belief" ........ big difference even though many don't realize it. Or that sentences aren't really supposed to end with "its." Cheers
 
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UpandDownPrincess

UpandDownPrincess

Arcanist
Joined
Dec 31, 2019
Messages
453
My husband. He would feel so betrayed and hurt. I don't think I could ever do that to him.
 
Sherri

Sherri

Archangel
Joined
Sep 28, 2020
Messages
5,904
My fellow ops here help me a lot. Never thought I would make it to the new year when I first joined in September.
 
BehindTheWall

BehindTheWall

May 21th 2021
Joined
Aug 26, 2020
Messages
136
My girlfriend, mainly. She's adorable and don't know how much I'm suicidal.
 
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T

Tired_Tired

Student
Joined
Nov 25, 2019
Messages
162
CTB and staying alive, no need special reason. As long as you are comfortable with it. Some homeless want to stay alive. Some rich or with love ones also want to CTB.
 
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WhiteDespair

WhiteDespair

The Temporary Problem is Life
Joined
Oct 24, 2019
Messages
734
Nothing in particular. I nominally exist.
 
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Z

Zenpurrz

Member
Joined
Oct 31, 2020
Messages
19
My three cats are the reason I am alive. They are my only company. Any comfort or happiness I experience either comes from or is due to them. I need to make sure they will have a forever home where they will stay together, be well cared for and loved before I ctb...
 
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