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Pallf

I'm tired
Joined
May 27, 2018
Messages
207
I've got nothing better to do. I guess listen to music and prepare for the inevitable.
 
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jd300100

jd300100

Member
Joined
May 13, 2020
Messages
15
i bought a "weeks of my life" poster. the weeks are broken up into 10 year sections. i just started a new section and i can't just leave it unfinished. guess i'll have to hit 30 before i can ctb.
 
Weary Soul

Weary Soul

Soon I will be free
Joined
Nov 13, 2019
Messages
1,166
Toxic hope and for others at this point.
 
MrBlue

MrBlue

Arcanist
Joined
Jul 1, 2020
Messages
403
Family, lack of resources/reliable methods and guilt over the situation that's making me want to ctb. I know I'll ctb eventually, but those three reasons are causing me to want to stick around and suffer for as long as I'm able.
 
TooMuchToBear

TooMuchToBear

Student
Joined
Jan 3, 2021
Messages
124
-Some people who I know love me. But I also feel it might not be enough because in the end, nobody is enduring it but you.
-My pet.
-Fear of having to come back in a different human life with worse conditions because I failed the test
-SI and fear of faiing the attempt
 
RottenApple

RottenApple

Loneliness is not a phase
Joined
Dec 7, 2020
Messages
26
My mother, my brother, and my nieces
 
sweetbraid

sweetbraid

Member
Joined
Apr 15, 2018
Messages
46
responsibility, obligation. and curiosity? i should have died when i was seven months old, and i was even born premature and probably shouldn't have made it past ten days out of the womb. but i did. ive survived a car crash and attempted murders and numerous suicide attempts and im pretty damn curious to know why.
and as much awful, disgusting, painful things there are in this world, theres just as much - if not more - beauty and joy and love. and, in some way at least, i want to experience the beauty, and grow through the pain. and learn my own beauty.
 
UselessMF

UselessMF

Member
Joined
Dec 4, 2020
Messages
69
My 2 kids especially my 4 years old daughter. Everyday she look me in the eyes with her light blue eyes and tell me "I love you daddy" when I start crying she wipe off my tears. She seems to have so much love for me.
 
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Aspergirl

Member
Joined
Dec 29, 2020
Messages
9
Cant find any good methods that will most likely kill me. I want it to be either N or SN because I want as little pain as I can get before I go. There’s just no way for me to get any of those.
 
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AutoTap

Paragon
Joined
Nov 11, 2020
Messages
902
We need to find a suicide pill or something that can just be taken and we die peacefully or really fast like under 30 sec
 
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watchingthewheels

Elementalist
Joined
Jan 23, 2021
Messages
854
At this point? Defiance. I have a right to exist.
Besides that, an odd feeling that I'm supposed to be here to witness coming events.
 
happylilsht

happylilsht

Member
Joined
Jan 23, 2021
Messages
57
No available easy method.
I would say my family but in reality I wouldn’t care when I’m about to do it.
 
GenesAndEnvironment

GenesAndEnvironment

Average ctb enjoyer
Joined
Jan 26, 2021
Messages
3,793
50% family, 30% not enough pain, 20% my preferred method is a pain in the ass to execute.
 
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watchingthewheels

Elementalist
Joined
Jan 23, 2021
Messages
854
Mentalmick said:
That sounds ominous.
The visions I've had of it are ominous, indeed. Since childhood, I've been aware of the biblical revelations, lived through the "Nostradamus scenario" in 1984, as a kid in the cold war 80s. In my art, I've tried time and time again to start on a lighthearted project, only for it to turn to warnings. I Lived through Y2k, and 9/11...which I had a premonition of on that day. And if there were bad things in the past in my lifetime, it was never like the whole world shutting down. I started to let my guard down, thinking it wouldn't really blow up until after my time (even as a kid, I thought I wouldn't want to make it to 50, and I'm past 46, now), and that I would just muddle through with the time I have left. I was basically "killing time". But when I relax, that's when things usually hit, just like on 9/11, when things were actually going well for me.

Late 2019 early 2020, I was working on a couple of projects that took on a life of their own, against my original intentions, that turned into warnings that came true in 2020. It freaks me out because I don't believe rationally in the supernatural or mysticism, but it's a recurring theme in my head, nonetheless, and I can't explain it. Well, on one hand, I can explain the preoccupation with death, because I found my father after he killed himself when I was four. And I can understand the impulse to "save the world", because after that, my mother was abused by his "replacement" (that's all I can call him), and I had to save her physically, even as she was abusing her kids. The world was on my shoulders at a young age, too young. I had to try to save it, because the adults around me were letting it go to hell. So maybe there's nothing mystical about it, but that I'm just super-attuned to seeing the storm on the horizon. My doctor AND my therapist called it "hyper-vigilance", and told me I had to let it go, that that was the past, if I was to get better. But again, once I let my guard down, and that's when shit hits the fan.

If I believed in The Matrix and such, I'd think that I was creating all this subconsciously, or was being used as a conduit. But it's also like the curse of Cassandra, I've told people for years about the world cracking up like it has, and no one listened, and I can't stop it. Now I have to watch it happen. The only hope I have is that it's all a dream, or nightmare, and I wake up from it, that there's some kind of resolution that makes it worth it.
 
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Bigpink

Wizard
Joined
Oct 12, 2020
Messages
600
Haven't settled on a method I feel good about, cannot have a failed attempt
 
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reasonablylost

Member
Joined
Jul 18, 2021
Messages
34
I've been either obese or overweight most of my life and I've lost a lot of weight last year.
I want to keep going and see where I can get. Do something very few people are able to do - beat obesity.

Join a gym eventually and sculpt my body. Face my fears of judgment, exercise discipline over myself, deal with the psychological issues of not feeling good enough, and maybe even have some social connection.
 
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FuneralCry

FuneralCry

Living dead girl
Joined
Sep 24, 2020
Messages
3,032
I wouldn’t say I have a reason really, I am still here as I was brought into this world without choice and I have not managed to ctb yet, as it is hard to take our lives. I live for the sake of living. To me life is essentially pointless, all we are doing is waiting around for death anyway.
 
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