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Invisible anarchist
Jul 9, 2018
I often wonder who the people are who kill themselves so spontaneously. You know the ones I'm talking about - the ones who do it with so little hesitation that they make it seem almost nonchalent.

I could have been one of them, I think. I always felt comforted and excited by the thought of stepping in front of a moving vehicle, at one point: no fear whatsoever. At that point, my thought processes were more along the lines of "Wouldn't it be cool if I jumped now" rather than "I'm going to do it".

My theory, is that the more you try to mentally prepare for your death, the more hesitant you will be to do it.
I always used to think of those people as having gone through the greatest suffering imaginable and not coping at all, and having been through the whole preparing-for-your-death practice, and thinking about backing out but finding enough resolve to do it unhesitantly, due to their suffering.
But now that I think about it, maybe those people didn't go through the most suffering they could have. Maybe their suicidal thoughts were a lot less 'advanced' than those of people on this forum. Maybe they were vague thoughts of not wanting to be here, and because they didn't try to prepare, they didn't even have to accept their death. Maybe they were more near the beginning of the 'slippery slope' of depression, and their thoughts were a lot less debilitating, and that's why they were able to do it.

I think, that maybe it can be too hard to accept one's own death, and so the maybe the best thing to do is to accept that it can't be accepted and stop trying to mentally prepare so much.
Fear is a strong instinct and is really hard to overcome; I've been trying to overcome it but it seems illogical now...better to accept that the fear is unescapable and cross that bridge when it comes to it. Easier said than done.


Jul 2, 2018
I didn’t actually succeed (obviously right?) but... I only waited long enough to get my pills together. I can’t really explain why I wasn’t worried - other than to just say I hate my failure and I hate what I see in the mirror, that piece of shit failed everything it tried and I am so tired of being it. I was done... but maybe I hadn’t given the consequences enough thought or something? I am not a very spontaneous person ... but I just wanted to end this stupid game.
I am more afraid now that I have failed. I am afraid of the failure. The way everyone looks at me .... I am literally that person who can’t even kill themslves right.
I am stalled right now because of some financial issues (and people are a bit suspicious of me ) but if someone would stand here... give me a gun a couple of minutes of how to do it. Well, I would be toasting the devil in hell within the hour.
Figure the lack of self care and fear is life’s way of telling my worthless self to leave.


Jul 21, 2018
Yes, I've been wondering about this, they made it look so easy, "18 year killed self," or maybe it just looked like that. Indeed, the fear or survival instinct cannot be negated, or efforts to reduce it may even end up making it stronger. I feel that it's like an indestructible wall, and you have no choice but to just climb over it to get to the other side. It requires some kind of madness to do so, going far south when all compasses point north. I can't say that I experienced in an event in a single day so much pain and disappointment that makes me want to kill myself right away. What many of us experience is the slow burn of problems piling up, which leaves us so much time to contemplate, cycling between bad days and some brief moments of hope.