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RileyTanaka

RileyTanaka

ill / failure
Joined
Mar 20, 2020
Messages
265
Irreversible, debilitating health problems; financial ruin; social ruin; guilt and shame at my decisions; poor quality of life; depression; interpersonal deficits; the world is ending anyway.
 
idek

idek

-
Joined
May 18, 2020
Messages
16
I'm a failure at 95% of what I try to do in life. I fuck up everything.
I have been trying really fucking hard these last couple of years and all I can see is how much I'm screwing up.
All of my friends have left... even the kindest and most understanding of them. I annoy everyone because I'm so obsessive.
Like I can't even enjoy anything in my life without driving someone nuts talking about it.

Most recently, I've failed the person I love maybe the most in the world. He hates me and he agrees he just wants me to go away (forever). I've hurt him. I've done things I swore I'd never do... and I can't fix that... I can't change the past.

It's bad enough that my best intentions have done no good, that I contribute nothing of value to the world...
It's worse that I've failed him.

The only way I can save him from the trauma of living with me is to end my life. I know that'll be another trauma... but he'll hardly notice and he'll barely remember me if I die now. I'll just be a vague memory and stories he's been told...
and I have no doubt in my mind that that will be better than me living and continuing to fuck up (spectacularly, might I add).

I'm sure by how I've said this you can guess who this person is - and I'm sure you'd say the same thing everyone would "he wouldn't be better off without you"... but perhaps if I told you I hit him because he kept hitting other living things (as if that justifies it - cus it doesn't), maybe you'll see where I'm coming from and why I need to die. The tragedy is that I've lived several months since I did that. I'm a bad person - OBVIOUSLY.

It's better I'm dead than an abuser.

It's that simple... and really, there's not a damn thing I could say that would contradict that not excuse my actions. I'm finally beyond redemption and I guess... might as well end it while I'm behind.
On the bright side, only family has to mourn as everyone else has finally decided I'm not worth their time - including a friend I've had for about 20 years who doesn't even want to talk to me (and I don't know what I did, but I really can't blame her).
 
du2497

du2497

Member
Joined
Mar 17, 2020
Messages
24
Other than family I don't have anyone, no friends, no social life. Last time I had a girlfriend was 9 years ago. I don't know how to socialize or not wear my heart on my sleeve. Even before COVID I'd spend every weekend in my room, alone while people laugh and talk loudly (there are some bars around here). I'm almost 30 but have the relationship experience of a 14 year old it seems. Also ditto for fucking up constantly, I can't do anything correctly, even simple things.
 
F

Fedrea

Specialist
Joined
May 14, 2020
Messages
327
No more crushing guilt, no more tinnitus, no more fear about the future, no more new blows and disappointments, no more loss. Just to go to sleep forever. Dream about it every morning and night now
 
I

ImpetuousGnome

New Member
Joined
Feb 3, 2020
Messages
3
I want to spare myself all the pains of existence. I don't want to endlessly consume limited resources that future generations will need to survive. I don't want to see all the things I care about wither away. I'm afraid of growing old. I've seen many of my relatives live far past the point of dignity, and I'm terrified that I will burden my family as they do. I'm afraid of not being good enough, that if I spent decades in this world and still had nothing to show for it, if I did nothing to better the overall state of mankind, then I would truly be a failure. I can shield myself from the pressure to achieve in death. I want to die because the conditions in which we are expected to live- doing mindless work for a grim standard of life only moderately above that of homelessness and exploring others for survival are appealing to me. I do not want to exist at the expense of another. I want to die because I can't find any purpose in my life or the world around me, and my efforts to fix my worldview only lead to my sinking further into the mire of the world's unfairness. Also because I'm very depressed, but that one's hardly relevant now, is it?
 
Bct

Bct

Disqualified from Being Human
Joined
Apr 20, 2020
Messages
420
Loneliness (have nobody close even with family), incompetence (have no marketable abilities), bad personalities (a lot of people were hurt)
 
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I_love_to_bake

I_love_to_bake

Student
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
167
TheGoodGuy said:
I am just tired of thinking of reasons not to
Right? I'm tired of thinking up new reasons after the old reasons fell through. Hopelessness is weird. You never know if it's just a feeling, or a realistic logical conclusion.
 
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TheGoodGuy

TheGoodGuy

Visionary
Joined
Aug 27, 2018
Messages
2,475
I_love_to_bake said:
Right? I'm tired of thinking up new reasons after the old reasons fell through. Hopelessness is weird. You never know if it's just a feeling, or a realistic logical conclusion.
It´s such a desperate thing when you think about it there isn´t no upside to keep existing I have been suffering for so many years and I just have to keep coming up with excuses not to ctb and it´s really pathetic because life isn´t precious at all when I´m gone it´s just like removing one grain of sand from the desert life really is insignificant.
 
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Nobody's Daughter

Nobody's Daughter

Scratching at the surface
Joined
May 24, 2020
Messages
19
So I don't have to feel anything anymore.
I feel too much.
To be an emapth is both a blessing and a curse.
 
P

pete_x

Good god, let's eat !
Joined
May 9, 2020
Messages
341
Insightful but unwelcome homicidal rage.
 
mpnf

mpnf

Mental anguish..no more please.
Joined
Oct 3, 2019
Messages
184
IwishIwasAttractive said:
I saw this tweet that said "my thoughts before anything: maybe if i wasn't ugly" and i was shocked by how real it was. being ugly my only reason.

whats urs?
I can't take the pain. I feel like my soul want to die as well.
 
N

neveraskedforthis

Member
Joined
May 16, 2020
Messages
24
I just long for something constant and im tired of this fucking rollercoaster, my mood is changing a couple times an hour and i keep getting these compulsions. I long for peace and non existence
 
aliceinwonderland

aliceinwonderland

Marie
Joined
May 21, 2020
Messages
21
KiraLittleOwl said:
Botched plastic surgery. Basically the same reason as yours.

X3.. And they had to do reconstructive surgery in my face because of the mistakes doctors did before, it went worse: It's just unbearable.
 
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kokporn

kokporn

Worm feed
Joined
Feb 1, 2020
Messages
50
diabetes, social phobia, small cock, loneliness
 
Chronicillness

Chronicillness

Student
Joined
Jun 19, 2018
Messages
155
24/7 sensory torture―a result of numerous rare health disorders. I hate my appeareance too, like you. That shit is stressful as fuck. I don't have body dysmorphia disorder, I have the ability to objectively judge myself, so I would call it body dysphoria: the ugliness/inferiority of the pile of meat you inhabitate causes extreme dysphoria and stress. I'm majorly depressed and panicked 24/7 too.

However, if my physical health issues went away overnight, I think I'd be able to build myself back up and live a life that is somewhat worthy of continuing.
 
K

KiraLittleOwl

Lost in transition
Joined
Jan 25, 2019
Messages
990
aliceinwonderland said:
X3.. And they had to do reconstructive surgery in my face because of the mistakes doctors did before, it went worse: It's just unbearable.
Oh.. I am extremely sorry about your situation, I know how much mental anguish can bring something like that..
What went wrong if you don't mind sharing?
 
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aminend

aminend

Mage
Joined
May 24, 2020
Messages
520
Till 3 months ago my life was great. I was a healthy and happy person. Many were jealous for me. But due to covid 19 I've faced with a anosmia I lost my senses of smell and test and it causes a sever depression for me. I used many medicines for depression and also anosmia but that's continued
 
Cosmiq

Cosmiq

Student
Joined
May 7, 2020
Messages
198
Because I've always wanted to leave here. I'm bored and have never been "excited about life". I'm just not interested in most things that people consider "living" I'm 30 and never even wanted to get this old. The fact it's pretty much downhill from for most people has continued to keep me from gaining any type of hope. I'm not a fighter or resilient about something I never really wanted.
I'm not exactly ugly, but I've never seen myself as some gorgeous person, I'm not dirt poor but I'm not privileged either, I have friends and have had more, but it's all been worthless to me. I really mean it when I say I wish I could just replace myself with someone that just needed someone to be their friend, or someone to show romantic interests in them. I've been at a party or out with friends on many occasions where I was enjoying it, but still wanted to step off a rooftop of a cool party because why wait until I was in a downward spiral to end it all. The things that supposed to make me happy or want to live and flourish just don't. If I had all the money I could. I'd still want to ctb it'd just mean I'd have the funds to complete a bucket list. And I don't want to drag a girl or create a family, knowing I'd still want to end it. I once participated in group therapy because my therapist thought it'd help. All it did was make me more sure that I wanted to end it. I got to hear about a young attractive wealthy man talk about how much he hated his life, but also an older accomplished man that was retiring soon, he was a grandfather, and had many people who love him and people at work that admired him but he had life long depression, nothing he did alleviated it.
 
Nohopeinhell

Nohopeinhell

Member
Joined
Mar 1, 2020
Messages
86
365 days 24/7 i am in constant physical pain. 2 years ago i had the perfect job as a nurse, my own home, relationship and money. Now i have none of those above. I suffer from debilitating pain every single second of each day. My younger sibling died also recently. Sudden and unexpectedly. One minute he was fine, next he was gone. Just like that. He always said when he dies when he is older he wants it to be instant. This was instant.

I don't have money anymore, no job and more than likely never work again in my lifetime. I am still here at the moment for my mother. She needs me right now.

I am on various medications, ketamine, lidocaine, patches etc... i have tried every single option. CBT is my last option now.
 
GiveMeNovacaine

GiveMeNovacaine

Member
Joined
Jun 11, 2018
Messages
50
I get little to no pleasure.
 
S

SSlostallhope

Student
Joined
May 23, 2020
Messages
193
Couple of reasons

I have a few different mental health problems that make holding down a job or relationship or friendship extremely hard.
I’m broke
Neither of my parents are alive
Lost a few close friends to car accidents or suicide
My brothers and sister are always arguing and it’s really draining I’m seemingly stuck in the middle of it all and I don’t want to be
Don’t feel like I have much of a purpose to be honest